SAHM goes back to work after 10 years - how do you cope with the resentment?

[MsGasket]

So I yelled at DH this morning that I hated him and that I would keep telling him that until he left - I don't want him to leave (yes, I know v. unreasonable behaviour from me), I'm just finding it difficult to cope with my feelings of resentment. At least I think that's what I'm feeling.

AIBU to think that just because I only work part-time (so that the family continues to 'function') I shouldn't have to run the place!!! Yes, I know there are women that work full-time and run the home which is why I'm writing this in the hope of gaining some perspective.

This post could be epic so I'll stop now and write more throughout the thread as necessary. I'm a fairly regular poster but have name changed.

[fluffyraggies]

X posted massively!

[JumpingJackSprat]

you need to stop this and now. your children wont remember the apology as much as they will remember you saying that in the first place. they were crying about it for fucks sake. you say you havent caused his self esteem issues but by god you cant be helping! you need to get some professional help from somewhere before you drive him away and break up your family.

[MsGasket]

We really must get a cleaner. It was a New Year's Resolution to do so. I made myself feel better about doing so by suggesting we got one on a Friday so that the house could be tidy for the weekend for everyone to 'enjoy'.

There is nothing wrong with being a cleaner. My mum enjoyed her job and yes, it meant that she could work part-time during the day when we were at school.

Part of me feels that I should be able to clean my own mess. We've all tried being less messy, and everything has a place iykwim, all labour saving devices are installed etc but I just hate doing it. And I don't think it's because I'm lazy/can't be arsed.

[fluffyraggies]

2 of my 5 PT jobs were cleaning other peoples houses. I hated and resented doing it.

But that was my problem

[MsGasket]

Hesterton, your post has made me cry. Thank you so much. Tell me more about where you are at now.

[simplesusan]

I do think that part of the problem is your desire to send your dcs to the best possible school. Sorry but there is a consequence to that- time.

You either accept that you will be trailing them around for a very long time or you send them to the nearest school.

I do get the frustration of organising though. I do the majority of this. If I leave dh to do the shopping then I have to accept he will not always shop around for the best price. Sometimes I get annoyed other times I just think well, trade off again, I save time but pay for it financially!

[gorionine]

How old are your Dcs? can they not contribute to household chores? appologies if you already answered it and I missed it.

[MsGasket]

JumpingJackSprat, I did think that getting professional help might be the answer. Starting this thread is a way forward. I know that what I did was wrong, I'm not condoning it in any way.

[janey68]

If you have decided to have 3 children and send them to 3 different schools because you think that's what's best, then you can't really complain and stamp your feet when that impacts on your daily life.

There are options here. You could move house. Ok, it's a major thing but your dh already commutes for nearly 2 hours and the school runs sound horrendous so yeah, you've created a monster which suits none of you. Or, you could do what many parents of several children do and accept that their lives involves some compromise. We decided on a primary for dc1, and frankly, dc2 had to fit into that. Obviously if he'd been really unhappy or ill suited we would have rethought, but we didn't go out of our way to scour all the other schools in the vicinity just in case there was one which suited him slightly better. Family life is all about compromise. You cannot possibly run a harmonious family while trying to meet every little detail of need for each child, regardless of how inconvenient that is. You sound tbh as though you've been a martyr mummy- deciding that you had to be at home for 10 years, that a cleaner was a sign of weakness, that you are failing your children unless they all go to different schools and do violin lessons... The trouble with martyr mummies is that once the resentment starts to surface as it is with you, it can totally backfire because all your intentions about wanting to sacrifice your life for the children are a waste once they realise how you feel.

Start living your own life and your dh and children will thank you for it

[MsGasket]

DCs are 5,9 and 11. They are good kids, no trouble and a fairly good help at home.

[Hissy]

I'm trying reeeely hard to be sympathetic. Honestl, I am, but the

"I tried working FT for a few months and it wasn't sustainable' comment meant I had to hide the knives.

I'm on my own, work FT, and have no-onme to help with either the school run, OR the funding of my childminders.

If working FT is not sustainable, wtf am I doing then?

Who shall I verbally abuse? I sincerely hope your DC didn't hear you. You should be ashamed of what you said. You have no idea how well your bread is buttered.

Look at the children's activities, and adjust as required to make them work for you. 1e8 wdm car journeys is a waste of resources. Could you walk/cycle/make a round trip of it? Your H could organise the dinner on the days he works from home, but it might mean you batch cook to achieve it.

Screaming at a man that actually does do a fair bit is not on.

[MsGasket]

janey68 I am sure there is some truth in this: "The trouble with martyr mummies is that once the resentment starts to surface as it is with you, it can totally backfire because all your intentions about wanting to sacrifice your life for the children are a waste once they realise how you feel."

It adds to the stress/gravity of it all.

[mumblechum1]

I've always worked PT and always done all the domestic stuff in the 22.5 hours that I have "free" while DH is working.

Seems fair to me.

If you are both working FT then you should either share the domestic stuff equally or both pay someone else to do it for you.

[bigTillyMint]

The DC will be fine - it was a one-off melt-down.

And reorganise your lives so that it all works better!

[janey68]

You do sound as though you're reflecting on your behaviour and feelings and genuinely wanting things to be different.
Yes- the martyr mummy thing does add to the guilt and is extremely destructive . Children need to be loved , secure, encouraged. They dont need to be sent to the 'perfect' school, or to have mum
Ferrying them round for 3 hours a day. They really don't. I think the post upthread which describes how as these things have gradually crept up on you is spot on. You haven't intended this. But you've taken a big step
In recognising that you've created a situation which is making you frustrated and unhappy. And your dh and children (and you) deserve better

FWIW my own mum thought she was doing the 'right thing' by spending most of her adult life either at home or working in very part time jobs way beneath her true capability. I think she would have been happier seeking more fulfilling work outside the home. My siblings and I would have coped with having a front door key and getting our own tea a couple of times a week. What's difficult and stressful for children isn't the practiclq childcare and home adjustments - its sensing that a parent isn't happy

[bigTillyMint]

Janey, I think that is so true - What's difficult and stressful for children isn't the practiclq childcare and home adjustments - its sensing that a parent isn't happy

[janey68]

Hesterton- yes children may survive having an unhappy parent. But surely most of us want more than survival?
My point is really that generally , children are pretty adaptable creatures and can deal with straightforward practical changes more readily than they can deal with the more abstract feelings of sensing that mum or dad isn't happy.

[boodles]

Hesterton, I am nodding like mad at your posts.

[feelingdizzy]

Hissy,I was thinking the same,I really try and put myself in other peoples shoes and realise that things aren't always as they seem.

But I am like you parenting alone have done for many years,working full time,what gets me about these threads is that I don't find it that hard really,but couldn't imagine having the choices that are presented ,part-time,cleaner,dh sharing chores.

I don't want or need sympathy I have a fab life,but would really want people (op)to appreciate the choices they have and exercise that choice because sometimes its not always there.

[MrsHoarder]

The first thing that jumps out is 12 journeys. How many of those are drop off, dash home, be there for 10 mins, come out again to pick up? Can you make an hour out for yourself in that, go to a cafe or pub with a book and have a nice quiet nonalcoholic drink?

And yes to writing everything down. If there is a list by the door of who needs what then at those ages they should remember if for themselves. Get a cleaner as you can afford it, don't just rail about the cleaning needing doing. And try to get the DC together logistically. So if there is a tiny tiny benefit from the 9yo going to a different school to the 11yo consider whether it is really worth the logistical headache of having to pickup from two schools etc. See if they can do sports clubs in the same place at the same time. See if a music teacher can come to you.

Finally as you have to drive everywhere I assume you live in a village? If so, is it time to consider moving to a town where the DC will be able to be more independent in terms of getting to activities from about 10-11yo instead of being dependent on you driving them everywhere until they pass their driving test?

Yes your current lifestyle isn't working, but it could be fairly small changes that would make it work. As long as you sustain your DC's education, and yours and DH's careers (not necessarily all in their current locations) then everything else can be changed if you want it to.

[MsGasket]

Thank you all very much for taking the time to post. I agree as does DH that something needs to change. Neither of us are sure what exactly that is at the moment.

I will take on board what you said Hesterton about the importance of being needed. I'm glad that you are in a happy place right now. Love the sound of your house and eating dahl and drinking wine...