SAHM goes back to work after 10 years - how do you cope with the resentment?

[MsGasket]

So I yelled at DH this morning that I hated him and that I would keep telling him that until he left - I don't want him to leave (yes, I know v. unreasonable behaviour from me), I'm just finding it difficult to cope with my feelings of resentment. At least I think that's what I'm feeling.

AIBU to think that just because I only work part-time (so that the family continues to 'function') I shouldn't have to run the place!!! Yes, I know there are women that work full-time and run the home which is why I'm writing this in the hope of gaining some perspective.

This post could be epic so I'll stop now and write more throughout the thread as necessary. I'm a fairly regular poster but have name changed.

[MsGasket]

niceguy2, I have to wonder what it is you expect your poor DH to do? What more can he do? Genuine question. Can you quantify what extra you want him to do?"

You've hit the nail on the head. There is nothing that he can do, I'm just shouting at him because he shouted at me first when I told him I was feeling resentful of everything that had to be done tomorrow.

Not every Monday is as bad as tomorrow. I have 3 DC. My eldest is at a school 45 mins away. She gets a bus but its 10-15 mins (x2) to drop her off/pick her up. Other DC can get school bus but on my days off I drop them off and pick them up (15 mins each way). Tomorrow we are going to look at a new school for one DC (15 mins each way in opposite direction), drama lesson x1 plus violin lesson x2.

We are semi rural (in case you hadn't guessed).

[RandomMess]

I think the issue is that all the "responsibility" falls to you.

Dh doesn't do the school run, you prepare all of it arrange it he just throws them out the car.

I've left the menu planning and cooking to dh since I went back to work FT - OMG we are spending tonnes, eat rubbish and it's not improving much depsite it being 2 years yet I resent the other option which is me decide the menu, shopping list and do EVERYTHING bar cook it.

Very hard to put into words.

[flattyre]

I'm suggesting that she should get a grip and be indomitable instead off among about her lot without trying to fix it.

[flattyre]

Of moaning.

[NoelHeadbands]

Are you fed up of having to do all the thinking all of the time? If so, I kind of get that.

Me and DH both work FT, and share everything else but the 'thinking' about stuff generally falls to me. Which sounds like I've just described my DH as an unthinking idiot, which isn't the case

If its not then, I dunno either...

[boodles]

Is the problem that you are now working part time but still also doing every thing you did when you weren't working and that is making you resentful of your DH?

It sounds to me like you are mentally tired of all the children/house things. That you would like your oh to clear some of your headspace by taking on not just some of the family jobs but also some of the family thinking?

If so I do totally get where you are. I have gone back to work part time after a long time as a SAHM. I went back to work because I was mentally worn out by the drudge of the menial crap, depression, and other things I won't go into. I have loved going back to work but found it hard to still have to do all the family thinking still, that is what was causing my depression. It has taken time, we are two years in now, but my OH is now seeing the things I have to think about and is helping me by doing some of that thinking. There are some chores he can't be there for, like the school run, but he helps me by helping to make sure that we know where children's uniforms are, lunch boxes and other things needed for specific days. This has not just helped me but helped us as a family as I feel mentally freer to be able to think straight.

I still do the lions share of things but I know he cares because he tries to do some of my wifework.

[RandomMess]

Noel that's it for me definately. Dh will do anything I ask, it's just I have to think it all through and then ask - arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[TumbleWeeds]

I am getting the feeling that one of the issue is about responsibility.
That you always in mind what needs to be done with the dcs whereas your DH will do the school run/take the dc to the bus but 'forgets' stuff ie isn't completely involved in taking them to school and thinking about everything that needs to be done.

Tbh, I would stop reminding him that he needs to remind your dd to take her ballet stuff. If it's his turn to take your dd to school then he should be responsible for all of it (as well as your dd tbh!).
Same with planning what happens at the weekend/week day, all the drops off etc...

But I have to say I would also work on that resentment. You need to take a bit of time to check what you are resentful about. Write it down and take a look at it when you feel calmer (perhaps the day after?). Look at what it is exactly that you aren't happy about.

I know at some point I could have written something similar ie DH was involved in the running of the house but I was still seething about the work that needed to be done etc... The reason was that in his mind, what he wanted to do always came first and the dcs last. Which very clearly left me with all the responsibility re the dcs and running of the house. It took us some time to reach a situation where he decided he was going to involve ie take responsibility. Since he has done so, he doesn't do much more than before BUT it's done in a different way so that I know the burden is shared iyswim.

[janey68]

Msgasket- you've had choices in your life. You could have continued working and organised childcare arrangements. Yes, being rural and having children at different schools (especially one so far away) would
Make the logistics trickier, but it's no different to what many of us do.
But bear in mind that having several children, getting up and organising them and doing childcare drops before 8am, then going and doing a fulk days professional work before coming home and doing the household chores (which dont magically disappear for WOHP) is not without it's stresses either. You had ten years of not having that particular stress. You're now realising that your choices have stress points too. You sound frustrated and bored with your life. So you need to work out what it is you want, and talk to your husband about how to achieve that. Not throw a princessy strop.

[NoelHeadbands]

See me, Random and Boodles are all singing from the same hymn sheet with the thinking

[anotheryearolder]

OP you seem to have got stuck in a lifestyle that suited you as a SAHM but are unwilling to change anything .

12 x 15 mins running around after your DC is ridiculous - they can cycle to the bus and get the schoolbus rather than you dropping them on your days off.
Cut down on all the afterschool stuff - its exhausting .

You are resentful and blaming but unwilling to make changes - if all this is too much for you do something about it !

[TumbleWeeds]

xpost. Just let him deal with all this for a week and see what he thinks of it.

[niceguy2]

I don't know what the answer is. Well I do but I suspect you won't be willing to do it. And that is to cut back on all the activities you've got your kids signed up for and maybe move them to the same school so there's less travelling around.

Either that or quit work. I don't think a cleaner will work since it seems that it's the running about which is causing you the most stress.

But hopefully by now you have realised that telling your DH that you hate him and that you will keep telling him that is wrong and I hope you have the strength and good grace to apologise.

You've taken your frustration out on him which whilst understandable doesn't make it any less wrong. Make up and have a sensible discussion about where you go from here. Opening up a battle here helps noone.

[anotheryearolder]

ps there are some great threads about organisation on here

The best thing we did was get a family diary/planner thingy that sits on the kitchen counter.
Life revolves around it !

[MsGasket]

NoelHeadbands and others, yes, the 'thinking' is definitely part of it.

RandomMess, it is very hard to put into words but I get where you are coming from with the shopping. DH when he does the shopping spends far too much and a lot of it is rubbish/not well thought out.

When I am out at work I am much happier but I have the option of working from home a lot of the time and by doing so I free up the time and money that would be spent on my commute (1hr each way). DH on the days that he works has a 1hr45min each way commute. Both of these are in the opposite direction to DD's school.

We (mostly I) have created a monster, haven't we and I'm not talking about me, I'm talking about our 'lifestyle'.

[JumpingJackSprat]

do your children hear you tell your husband that you hate him and want him to leave?

[MsGasket]

The ages of my DC mean that they have to be in 3 different schools. We have chosen the schools which are best for each of them.

Would ideally send all 3 private and then there would be much less running around but can't afford to.

Niceguy2, I have already apologised to DH and he to me and we have agreed to talk later. Hopefully after this thread I will be able to bring something useful to the table.

My DH has fairly low self-esteem (don't say it's my fault because it isn't), so anytime I bring up my 'unhappiness' he takes it personally and thinks I'm attacking him which really I am not and what I hate about him/the situation is that it's very difficult to move beyond him feeling bad. I usually end up reassuring him that it's not him it's the situation and by that stage we are both rung out.

[MsGasket]

JumpingJackSprat unfortunately I think they must have heard me as they were all very upset, we were all in tears (not DH). I know this is not good for anyone but we have both explained to them that adults get cross and shout and say things they don't mean and they heard us both apologise to each other.

[BegoniaBampot]

something you said struck chord. i'm in sort of same positon though don't work and husband works away a lot. we had a balance of i do kids (all in school) and house, he works. only now he is home A LOT and i find it difficult. my routine has gone. i hate doing housework when he is watching telly or creating mess, even though he might be working on his lap top later.i just don't like the change and i find his presence annoying.

[bigTillyMint]

You need to change what you can change - maybe you can't change the school run bits, but you could get a cleaner (if you can afford one) and get shopping delivered. That will free up a lot of time so that you don't feel so resentful running about after the DC.

[marriedinwhite]

Like Hollyberrybush my DH is another who has always been out at 7.30am and not back until at least 8pm.

When I was a SAHM I did everything, admittedly with a cleaner too, and didn't resent it. I was lucky to be able to be at home for 8 years.

When I went back to work initially it was part time, 20 hours a week, and to be fair that was the hardest. I didn't have the cleaner more and got home at 3ish after working hard for 5.5 hours to launch into the school runs, activities, kit prep, teas, tidying, etc.. IMO part time work and a family offers the worst of all worlds - you don't get the appreciation at work coz you are only part time and you overcompensate at home because you are back at work.

Working full time I am out of the house from 9-6ish, compared to DH's 7.30 to 8ish - so yes I do expect to do more the household stuff because I am available to do it when DH isn't. With a full time job I also find it easier to justify extra help at home. Our DC are older teenagers now but certainly the easiest time was the three year period when they were younger, I was full time and we had an au-pair.

I think you just need to organise yourself differently OP and stop feeling resentful. As others have said if neither of you like cleaning and domestic stuff; contract it out. What's wrong with being a cleaner - why do you feel your mum shouldn't have been one. She clearly did it to help look after you when perhaps there weren't alternatives for her; there are other families in a similar position - why would you prevent another family having a little extra?

[scottishmummy]

you find the presence of the wage earner who facilitates your housewifery annoying
priceless,send the selfish bastard to the shed how dare he disrupt your routine
the routine that includes mn of course

[MsGasket]

scottishmummy, I'd much prefer to be working in a job that I love than running around after the DC.

BegoniaBampot, will you/do you tell your DH that you find his presence annoying? How will/did he respond to that?

[scottishmummy]

can you downscale the running about.

[fluffyraggies]

I get the thinking side of this too.

I have 3 teen DCs (by XH) Since they were born i always worked PT. Sometimes 5 PT jobs at once. For years i did the lions share of the housework, raising the children and running the home plus juggling all these jobs so that one of us was always at home for them. It got to the stage where i was so used to doing everything that although i hated the situation i didn't want help. XH worked FT and would come home and expect to do nothing more. it was harder work to get him to help with anything than to do it myself.

I have a new DH now and the kids are older so less high maintenance. Also, for the first time since i was 15, i'm not working. So my life is much less stressful than it was.

In the past and even now though - it's me doing all the thinking and knowing and remembering. I hate the fact that primarily it's only me that really cares if the house is tidy or not.

It's a hard habit to break out of. So in some ways i can sympathise with you OP.

BUT - it sounds like your DH is trying quite hard to do his share. His share IS going to be lass than yours as things stand, but at least he's aware of this. It sounds like you're fighting against yourself. If you're good at running the home - run it. Recognise the job for what it is - a really important one. When the children are a little older you will be able to do more hours at your paid job which you love perhaps.