Toxic friend WARNING IT IS A WHOPPER!

[JudgeJodie]

This will be be a long one!
Ok, so I have this woman in my life. She is godmother to my 12yr old dd and 5 yr old ds. For about the last three years she has treated me like shit on her shoe. She can go from full on buying ad-hoc friend gifts to complete and utter silence from one day to the next. In fact from one hour to the next. There is never an explanation for it, and when I pull her, most times she will tell me I am imagining it and this is just who she is.

So far so obvious. Dump the toxic friend. Only it is not that simple as we work together. In the same room.

A couple of years ago she was diagnosed with depression and was off for a fortnight. By this point we were barely speaking at all, all the effort came from me. I was treated to one word answers and grunts on a good day. Others in the office were treated fine.

Things started to get really bizarre. As an example we had a conversation on a Monday(one of her rare talkative days) about the masoods in eastenders. She said she hated corrie as it was caricatures of northerners, but loved eastenders, particularly the masoods. Cut to the Friday, some big storyline had happened with them in ee so I said "ooh did you see that last night with zainab" and she just shot back at me in a room full of people "I don't watch that pile of shit, I'm a corrie girl" and then turned her back on me.

I was baffled to say the least, it had been five days since our conversation so it was obviously said just to disagree and be rude. That was when I started noticing more and more her erratic behaviour towards me in particular. Tbf she was also rude to a few others as well but she saved the best of her venom for me.

So I confronted her. I took her to the board room and said we are going to sort this out. At first she was like a petulant teenager and refused to even look at me. Then she got angry and stared bringing up decisions that I had made with regards to work five years earlier (that were nothing to do with her and had no impact on her job). She said she didn't agree with them and that was why she was being funny with me. This was the first time she had admitted it. But FIVE YEARS! I told her it made no sense, and then we continued on the rollercoaster of emotions when she burst into tears. She then went with we hurt the ones we love and she doesn't know why she does it. She was glad I had pulled her about it and it wasn't going to happen again. Then she hugged me and, this is no exaggeration, grabbed my hand and started to skip out of the boardroom saying how happy she was that we were friends again.

Being as we were in a work environment I figured the best course of action was to go with it for everyone's sake and be wary going forward.

I was right to be wary as it wasn't very long at all before things returned to how they were. Only worse.

Time and again I would pull her about it only to be told it was in my mind, but then she would be ok for a day or two. So she obviously was aware of her behaviour.

The last time I pulled her was Christmas and she told me if I ever felt like she was being off with me I should just approach her at her desk and give her a kiss on the cheek. I told her she could kiss my arse, if she was off with me I would talk to her not fucking kiss her. This time she had been missing me off emails relating to a Christmas party being arranged by one of the bosses. I was supposed to be invited but had somehow been accidentally missed off four emails. She said she doesn't know how it happened and she can see why I would be suspicious. Then said she thought she had talked to me about it. Obviously this wasn't the case as she hadn't spoken to me in weeks.

So cut to this last week, and if you have stuck it out this far thanks!

I had to make a work related decision regarding disciplining someone. Never nice to do when you work in an open plan office but it was a business decision not personal. She came over and hugged me, told me I was absolutely right to do it, and it was about time.
This was on a Friday. Then on the Monday she was off with me as was the person on the receiving end of the disciplinary. I emailed her and asked why she was off again and she replied that she couldn't believe I had done it to such a nice guy and she was very upset by my decision. WTF!
I replied back and told her it was none of her business, and that I was confused by her reaction considering she had positively encouraged me to make things formal. She was clearly caught out being two faced and reacted very badly. At that point I got a text, silenced it before it had even finished as I was on the phone. She started effing and blinding at the top of her voice to me across the office about my phone. I ended the call and to my shame started swearing back at her. She couldn't believe that someone had called her on her two faced behaviour and tried to detract by moaning about my phone.
I told her to fuck off and we haven't spoken since. So the atmosphere is terrible now in the office. She has been telling people not to talk to me, snorting under her breath if they do and when I have asked them why on earth grown adults would go along with it they have said they don't want her to do to them what she did to me. Cheers!

Anyway I went to the boss with a proposition of moving her department to another room so we don't have to see each other and to my surprise he agreed to consider it. I didn't make anything formal but I did tell him why. Two days later he called me to tell me it was going ahead but would take a couple of weeks. This is because he had received other on the record complaints since we spoke. Don't know who, but pleased.

I can't sleep properly and it is on my mind all the time. AIBU to allow it to bother me so much? Should I just suck it up for a fortnight until she is in another room and I don't have to see her. I can't stop wondering why she has behaved like this towards me. I feel like I am going mad.

I have never been a drama llama but equally I am no walkover. Pretty pissed with myself for letting it get this far actually. I didn't want everyone in the office suffering and they were happy to throw me under the bus! I have been looking at bullying websites but it feels ridiculous to give it that name as I am a confident grown woman.

So as not to drip feed some important points.

She weaned herself of her medication after the depression only four weeks into taking it.

She has no boundaries with regards to her manners. She will best blatantly rude to people that everyone goes foetal!

I can think of at least four people who have worked under her and been the best thing since sliced bread only to be hounded out of a job weeks/ months later for some perceived slight to her moral compass. None work related but they went anyway. The way they dressed. They had cheated on their husband. Decided to marry someone she deemed was controlling.

A friend of hers for over twenty years was treated exactly the same (ignored, ostracised etc) out of the blue but she told anyone who would listen it was because he had feelings for her.

She has withdrawn from social contact with work mates. This was the only social life she had. Without sounding mean she has no friends outside of work and spends all her time with animals. Although she has recently taken up with a young girl from work who happens to be the disciplinary boys girlfriend.

What can I do to switch off from this situation? It feels better just to get it written down.

[JudgeJodie]

Actively ignoring. That fits perfectly, as she will be overly nice to other people if I don't pick up on her negativity quick enough. She will step it up a gear so it is always apparent.
Sounds ridiculous like I am stuck in some teenage hollyoaks style drama!
Sorry to hear you have been on the receiving end of similar. Tis shit isn't it!

[JudgeJodie]

And reading the thread makes me realise as we'll that a lot of people, probably most, would not put up with what I have. They would be angry, hostile. I just feel sorry for her

[JudgeJodie]

Well not we'll

[DIYapprentice]

'Tis very shit!!!! And very little I can do about it as we have children at the same school and live in a small(ish) village.

[DIYapprentice]

You need to let go of feeling sorry for her. I felt sorry for my ex-friend and others used that to avoid having to stand up to her. I have now become firm - if they won't stand up to her then I limit my trust in them.

[JudgeJodie]

So you are stuck with it to a point as well. To be unable to just walk away sucks!
And I agree about limiting the trust in some friends. I was particularly pissed at one person who I had helped endlessly for years, and how spineless they have shown themselves to be. that ripped my rose coloured spectacles off I tell ya

[DIYapprentice]

Have PM'd you.

[mamakoula]

You are describing somebody I worked with. I am glad to hear you are being supported. Two weeks will roll around soon enough.

Disengage. Set up firm boundaries. Sounds like you are beginning to understand what you are dealing with. Nice it ain't. Document and keep it at home.

Treat yourself well.

[Morloth]

Just stop engaging, only speak with her when work requires it and then the minimum necessary, politely of course.

If she goes off again, do not respond, simply refer it to your manager.

It all sounds quite unprofessional and I would be very unimpressed if it was happening in the team I manage.

[Pigsmummy]

Is there any treatment for Borderline? Just out of interest?

[SirBoobAlot]

Pigsmummy: There is a relatively new therapy course called STEPPS, with a follow-on called Stairways. It's an educational therapy program, where you basically learn to retrain your brain, and handle your emotions in a more regulated form, along with looking at dealing with relationships. All the results so far from it are looking very positive. Can say myself having nearly completed STEPPS, and looking to start Stairways in April, that it is bloody hard work, but I can already see the benefits.

Otherwise, things like CAT or DBT (CBT generally isn't the best course of action for BPD sufferers) can be very beneficial. Medications can be used as conditions like depression, anxiety and psychosis are often co-morbid with BPD.

A lot of people do get to a point where they no longer fit the criteria for BPD, and often this is about 10-15 on from initial symptoms. Obviously this depends on the severity. For others it is a case of learning to manage and cope with the huge challenges that BPD sets on a day to day basis. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the first, but if I can manage the latter, I'll be satisfied.

I'm not a professional, just a sufferer, but if you have any questions that I could help with, please feel free to PM me - am very open and honest about my illness.

[EldritchCleavage]

That could be my sister's old boss. Crikey, she was a nightmare. The only consolation for my sister (also stuck working in the same room, left for a less well paid job to get away from her) was that being her was its own punishment.

It sounds like BPD to me too (have had a BPD 'friend') but it doesn't really matter what it is, except for you to understand you can't help her, shouldn't try to for your own sake, and it won't get better.

One thing jumped out at me from your post-not wanting to call it bullying because you see yourself as strong and confident. Well, snap. In my case it was a male colleague and it wasn't until my mother sat me down and said 'Face it, you're being bullied' that I started to have some success in dealing with it.

The strong get bullied just as much as the weak, and there is no stigma in being bullied, it just means some unpleasant person has decided for whatever reason of their own to focus their unpleasantness on you.

In my case what worked was polite distance and ruthlessly ignoring everything else. I would typically have the bully in my room (separate offices where I work) for ages doing his wind-up, disruption, interference thing. It changed from the day when, after a few minutes I said I had to get on with my work, and completely ignored him for another 20 minutes while he pratted about trying to get me to engage. After a couple of weeks of that, he moved on. I wasn't a fun victim anymore. He wanted attention-positive was good, but negative was better (anger, impatience, even contempt-it all meant he'd got to me).

I suspect your 'friend' may have a similar need for attention and to be the centre of an emotional drama at all times, especially if she doesn't have relationships outside work she can feed off.

[Moominsarescary]

Yes she does sound unwell, possibly BPD but could be any number of other MH problems if she isn't receiving treatment .

Usually I would say if she's a good friend offer support and encourage her to get treatment but I think it's different in this case as it's affecting your working environment. I'd probably disengage at least untill she moves office.

If you then want to work on the friendship maybe offer support. However it can be emotionally difficult supporting someone suffering mental illness, especially if they won't engage with services.

As sir says the therapy stepps is really good and lots of people who suffer from BPD are finding it beneficial, my best friend included.

[MusicalEndorphins]

She sounds like she does have some sort of mental illness.

[JudgeJodie]

Hi all, I got through today and I have to say I found it easier than the last few days having read all your replies last night. Thanks so much. I would love to think that I could pass some of this info on to her but the silence continues and unapproachable doesn't come close to covering it. Hey ho, as you all say I can't solve this for her only look after my own well being. And I am so much clearer about the whole thing now I know I can do it.

[cumfy]

So you asked why she was being odd.

And she told you.

The business decisions you made 5 years ago. (which tie in with your 3 year estimate).

So.... what were those decisions and did you discuss this further with her ?

[JudgeJodie]

Hard to say without outing myself too much. Basically we had a management meeting re a show of no faith in an important member of senior management. Everyone was invited (managers) and those that had issues chose to attend (85%) the others chose not to. In the end the decision made amongst us all was to do nothing but keep records in the hope that it worked itself out. It did and so nothing came of it. I was not the "ringleader" either just a manager with genuine concerns who attended with lots of others. And the time frame doesn't fit as she was fine for two years after that! And no issues with the very many others who also attended. When I pointed that out to her is when she changed tack and went with hurting the ones we love.
There is so much more but the op was already epic.
My dad died of cancer just over a year ago. The whole time he was ill she never once asked me how he or I was. When he died she was the only one in the room not to send a card or come to the funeral. I asked her about that and she just said "oh you know me I prefer animals to people"
I had a boob job a few years ago, she ignored me for three weeks after I told her. When I went off for the surgery she never wished me luck or anything. When I asked her about it she said " I can't stand fake. Fake boobs fake hair fake nails. It's all shit to me. My boobs are real "
Insecure some!
Anyway I see now that as per the above posts I was conditioned. I was so grateful on the odd days she was ok (ish) with me that I let it slide for ages. I am kicking myself now that I have let it go on for so long

[Molepom]

Dont beat yourself up over it. It happens to most of us.

These people are great at being a really good friend for a couple of years to get you all nice and secure, then slowly work away at you, chip, by, chip so slowly you dont notice at first. Then they get bored and up the anti..go for something much closer to hurt you with and on and on it goes with a few breaks of "normality" in the middle just until you feel secure again and then the process starts all over again.


The good news is...now you've been through it, you will be much more aware of it happening next time and will back off a lot quicker.

[JudgeJodie]

Thanks molepom. I certainly hope I would see it coming next time, but at the same time I don't want to become cynical. In a way I hope she has mh problems (don't flame me!) as it would be beyond comprehension to imagine anyone, let alone a friend, consciously and willingly behaving like that. At least if it is, to some degree, out of her control it is easier to understand.

[cumfy]

She seems to be very egocentric, highly manipulative and sociopathic; skilled at disposing of anyone who becomes inconvenient or shows her up.

This seems to be what she is doing to you.
Identifying you as a threat and getting rid of you!
Just like those pesky, competent colleagues she sabotaged!

Have you stolen a march on her careerwise ?
It seems she is certainly only too aware of how much "material" you have on her, re her modus operandi over many years, hence why she perceives you as a constant "thorn in her side".

In any case I would watch your back; I'm not sure her just moving to another room will "solve" this, it may well just be another phase so far as she is concerned.

Basically she seems to have some sort of personality disorder.

[PartTimeModel]

Multiple personalities perhaps. Too weird!

[JudgeJodie]

I haven't stepped on any toes career wise. I have progressed through the company though and she has been in the same job for a looooong time. She has never expressed an interest in anything other than what she already has, but the nature of her, is that even though she doesn't want it, she doesn't want to see anyone else have it either.
I do wonder if she thinks being on her own is a good idea now but the reality might not be all she wants it to be. She worked alone for her entire time until we moved offices about three years ago. Never quite settled into the concept of open plan. But knowing her she will want the best of both worlds.