Toxic friend WARNING IT IS A WHOPPER!

[JudgeJodie]

This will be be a long one!
Ok, so I have this woman in my life. She is godmother to my 12yr old dd and 5 yr old ds. For about the last three years she has treated me like shit on her shoe. She can go from full on buying ad-hoc friend gifts to complete and utter silence from one day to the next. In fact from one hour to the next. There is never an explanation for it, and when I pull her, most times she will tell me I am imagining it and this is just who she is.

So far so obvious. Dump the toxic friend. Only it is not that simple as we work together. In the same room.

A couple of years ago she was diagnosed with depression and was off for a fortnight. By this point we were barely speaking at all, all the effort came from me. I was treated to one word answers and grunts on a good day. Others in the office were treated fine.

Things started to get really bizarre. As an example we had a conversation on a Monday(one of her rare talkative days) about the masoods in eastenders. She said she hated corrie as it was caricatures of northerners, but loved eastenders, particularly the masoods. Cut to the Friday, some big storyline had happened with them in ee so I said "ooh did you see that last night with zainab" and she just shot back at me in a room full of people "I don't watch that pile of shit, I'm a corrie girl" and then turned her back on me.

I was baffled to say the least, it had been five days since our conversation so it was obviously said just to disagree and be rude. That was when I started noticing more and more her erratic behaviour towards me in particular. Tbf she was also rude to a few others as well but she saved the best of her venom for me.

So I confronted her. I took her to the board room and said we are going to sort this out. At first she was like a petulant teenager and refused to even look at me. Then she got angry and stared bringing up decisions that I had made with regards to work five years earlier (that were nothing to do with her and had no impact on her job). She said she didn't agree with them and that was why she was being funny with me. This was the first time she had admitted it. But FIVE YEARS! I told her it made no sense, and then we continued on the rollercoaster of emotions when she burst into tears. She then went with we hurt the ones we love and she doesn't know why she does it. She was glad I had pulled her about it and it wasn't going to happen again. Then she hugged me and, this is no exaggeration, grabbed my hand and started to skip out of the boardroom saying how happy she was that we were friends again.

Being as we were in a work environment I figured the best course of action was to go with it for everyone's sake and be wary going forward.

I was right to be wary as it wasn't very long at all before things returned to how they were. Only worse.

Time and again I would pull her about it only to be told it was in my mind, but then she would be ok for a day or two. So she obviously was aware of her behaviour.

The last time I pulled her was Christmas and she told me if I ever felt like she was being off with me I should just approach her at her desk and give her a kiss on the cheek. I told her she could kiss my arse, if she was off with me I would talk to her not fucking kiss her. This time she had been missing me off emails relating to a Christmas party being arranged by one of the bosses. I was supposed to be invited but had somehow been accidentally missed off four emails. She said she doesn't know how it happened and she can see why I would be suspicious. Then said she thought she had talked to me about it. Obviously this wasn't the case as she hadn't spoken to me in weeks.

So cut to this last week, and if you have stuck it out this far thanks!

I had to make a work related decision regarding disciplining someone. Never nice to do when you work in an open plan office but it was a business decision not personal. She came over and hugged me, told me I was absolutely right to do it, and it was about time.
This was on a Friday. Then on the Monday she was off with me as was the person on the receiving end of the disciplinary. I emailed her and asked why she was off again and she replied that she couldn't believe I had done it to such a nice guy and she was very upset by my decision. WTF!
I replied back and told her it was none of her business, and that I was confused by her reaction considering she had positively encouraged me to make things formal. She was clearly caught out being two faced and reacted very badly. At that point I got a text, silenced it before it had even finished as I was on the phone. She started effing and blinding at the top of her voice to me across the office about my phone. I ended the call and to my shame started swearing back at her. She couldn't believe that someone had called her on her two faced behaviour and tried to detract by moaning about my phone.
I told her to fuck off and we haven't spoken since. So the atmosphere is terrible now in the office. She has been telling people not to talk to me, snorting under her breath if they do and when I have asked them why on earth grown adults would go along with it they have said they don't want her to do to them what she did to me. Cheers!

Anyway I went to the boss with a proposition of moving her department to another room so we don't have to see each other and to my surprise he agreed to consider it. I didn't make anything formal but I did tell him why. Two days later he called me to tell me it was going ahead but would take a couple of weeks. This is because he had received other on the record complaints since we spoke. Don't know who, but pleased.

I can't sleep properly and it is on my mind all the time. AIBU to allow it to bother me so much? Should I just suck it up for a fortnight until she is in another room and I don't have to see her. I can't stop wondering why she has behaved like this towards me. I feel like I am going mad.

I have never been a drama llama but equally I am no walkover. Pretty pissed with myself for letting it get this far actually. I didn't want everyone in the office suffering and they were happy to throw me under the bus! I have been looking at bullying websites but it feels ridiculous to give it that name as I am a confident grown woman.

So as not to drip feed some important points.

She weaned herself of her medication after the depression only four weeks into taking it.

She has no boundaries with regards to her manners. She will best blatantly rude to people that everyone goes foetal!

I can think of at least four people who have worked under her and been the best thing since sliced bread only to be hounded out of a job weeks/ months later for some perceived slight to her moral compass. None work related but they went anyway. The way they dressed. They had cheated on their husband. Decided to marry someone she deemed was controlling.

A friend of hers for over twenty years was treated exactly the same (ignored, ostracised etc) out of the blue but she told anyone who would listen it was because he had feelings for her.

She has withdrawn from social contact with work mates. This was the only social life she had. Without sounding mean she has no friends outside of work and spends all her time with animals. Although she has recently taken up with a young girl from work who happens to be the disciplinary boys girlfriend.

What can I do to switch off from this situation? It feels better just to get it written down.

[JudgeJodie]

Thanks all. When I asked her to be gm she hadn't started all this. My dd is 12 and ds 5. Up until we moved I hadn't been on the receiving end of this toxic behaviour. She adored them, but has since last week ripped down the pics of them from her desk and unfriendly daughter on twitter (disclaimer I don't do social networking. I am a MNer through and through!). I hadn't bought the kids into it at all.

[Pigsmummy]

I agree with Expat, it's because you are a nice person that she is behaving like this to you, reassure yourself that you have healthy relationships OP, this isn't your fault

[GregBishopsBottomBitch]

It almost sounds like she has 2 different personalities, weird but true, she nice and then she changes, shes obviously unwell and in need of help.

[Boomerwang]

Very childish. Even if she has an MH issue. Bury yourself in your work and ignore everything she says and does. She might pull a few more of your strings emotionally, but when it comes down to it, she's not consistent, she's crap at communication and she's not doing much for you as a friend. Let her slip away quietly in two weeks and don't waste any more time with her.

[JudgeJodie]

Wow pigsmummy, you have hit the nail on the head in your post.

On the day I finally told her to fuck off I text my husband to tell him. Bless him he is not the most perceptive of blokes but he text back and said watch put babe. She will play the victim and blame you. Lo and behold I left at 2:30 and by 2:35 she was sobbing at her desk about how after all her years service blah blah blah no one should speak to me like that blah blah blah!
I forgot to mention in my ranting mode that there is in fact one girl with bigger balls than the rest of the (male) office put together. The next day after all being told not to speak to me she came in, put her bag down and walked over to me and said good morning, how are you today etc.. Just to make a point that she won't be told what to do and she won't be a party to isolating anyone. Nice girl.

[Branleuse]

armchair diagnosis is that she has borderline personality disorder

[QOD]

Oh you poor thing. Get all your texts etc in a file. Be ready in case she turns.

[Yfronts]

I think she may b still depressed. I think everything that she does is a reflection of her inner turmoil. If she had felt more together she would probably be much more level. Don't take things personally. Keep some space between you.

[SirBoobAlot]

I think she sounds seriously ill, actually. The huge personality switches, the little lies, problems with boundaries and respect...

If you want to distance yourself from her, think that has to be your choice and is perfectly understandable. But do think you should explain to her why, and tell her that she needs some help, as loosing out on a friend may prompt her to assess her mental state more accurately.

I feel equally sorry for you both, to be honest.

[SirBoobAlot]

Branleuse I was thinking that, but seeing as I also have BPD, didn't want to be the first to say it.

[YokoUhOh]

Yes, I immediately thought borderline personality disorder (also known ad Emotionally Unstable Disorder).
You might recognise some of these symptoms in your friend: en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

[YokoUhOh]

(Great name, Branleuse, made me laugh)

[EnjoyResponsibly]

Is there no way you could take leave/work from home until she has moved.

If not, between now and then start to document every conversation. You can bet your hat she will be.

If you can, use your OP to record chronologically previous issues. No need for an essay, just bullet point notes.

I suspect this will get worse before it gets better. Be prepared.

Do you have an HR dept? Go and have a confidential chat about your concerns for her evident MH issues, then let them help her if they can.

[Lavenderhoney]

I would talk to my boss and hr detailing all you have written in your post. You have to seperate friend and co - worker as clearly she is not a friend but a co - worker with problems that need to be highlighted to protect yourself and anyone else. ESP anyone unfortunate enough to work with/under her.
Document everything and let the relevant boss/ hr know you are doing so. Communicate as little as possible with her and always copy / invite others to meetings, even if ones about behaviour. Good luck!

[0blio]

I have a colleague like this and have found the only way to cope with her behaviour is not to engage with it.

She is extremely manipulative and attention seeking and is an emotional drain on our team. But because she networks unashamedly and flirts with management (mostly male), she gets away with lots of bad behaviour.

I appreciate just how difficult it is, especially when you have been friends in the past, but for the sake of your own sanity ignore, and if you have to interact with her keep it strictly professional - and public.

[SirBoobAlot]

This is the diagnostic criteria for BPD.

[ExpatAl]

It's not the OP's responsibility to diagnose.

[SirBoobAlot]

No, maybe not. But understanding what is going on and persuading someone to access help comes under the bracket of 'friend'.

[LineRunner]

I feel for sorry for the member of staff caught in the middle of this.

[ExpatAl]

This is HR's role, not the OPs. I don't mean to be rude to you but I am concerned that the OP, being a loyal friend, will feel obliged to continue the relationship if there is an actual 'illness'.

[trixymalixy]

She sounds like a nightmare. If I were you I'd be keeping evidence of her behaviour. Not to use against her, but in case she tries to get you sacked. It sounds like she's capable of anything. She doesn't sound as if she's well.

[SirBoobAlot]

You know whenever someone starts a sentence with "I don't mean to be rude but...", they inevitably are.

[Crikeyblimey]

Do you work with the woman I used go work with?

I could write a book about the lies, the two facedness, the extremely odd behaviour and the love of misery but this is your thread.

My only advice is to wait out your time to be shot of her. Do keep emails and texts though as the woman I know just keeps getting shunted round departments making her colleagues miserable but continues to be paid a decent wage as nobody makes it official.

When I moved depts to be away from her, it was like the cloud had lifted. I had forgotten how a "normal" work environment should be and it was bliss.

Take deep breaths and try not o give her anymore of your energy. It won't fix her, it will just drain you.

I will just tell you 2 of her "gems" though.
I was hospitalised with an asthma attack and she said to me when I returned to work 8 weeks later that "I did send an email round for a collection for some flowers for you but being just after Christmas nobody wanted to contribute as they were all sling"! Lying bitch - I didn't even ask why I'd had no cards or anything, she chose to just tell me this.

I left that dept (she was my supervisor at the time) to take up a secondment as a promotion (to be on the same grade as her). She has since told at least 2 people I know well that "she had me moved". :(. I so wish I'd made a formal complaint about this one because mud has a tendency to stick.

[JudgeJodie]

Sorry been away talking it over with my mum. Between this thread and her advice I am going to put on my invisible cloak of invincibility and brazen it out for the next fortnight or so.
Thankfully it is complete radio silence for us so nothing continuing to document. I emailed the boss this afternoon and told him it is making me feel sick and effecting my life out of work. He acknowledges and is there if I need him, as are HR. I will now write down bullet points and take screen prints of everything just to have it ready. Tbf the boss was not surprised in the slightest
When I told him. He is one of those bosses who somehow knows everything that is going on. He has prob seen for himself but can't do anything until someone tells him.
I have looked at the various mh links and have had my suspicions in that respect for a while. Thanks for the info all.

[DIYapprentice]

I agree with Borderline Personality Disorder - I HAD a friend who turned on me in a similar manner and I did a lot of research and her behaviour fits this.

She chopped and changed her view on things, one day up, next day down, chopped and changed her depression medication, felt vicitimised by people and situations etc.

After blowing up at me and ranting and raving over a small incident she now actively avoid me - turns her back on me if I approach a group she is standing in, detours around so that she doesn't have to acknowledge me etc. Others won't tell her that her behaviour is inappropriate because they don't want to be on the receiving end of this.

It doesn't end - she has been actively ignoring me for over a year.

I doubt my ex friend or your ex friend/work collegue will ever be diagnosed but at least we can at least understand what has happened, and take active steps to protect ourselves.