To limit DH to £50 per week?

[MrsKoala]

Name changer - Inspired a bit by another thread, i am now wondering if i am being controlling.

I am a sahm and DH either works from home (all Jan) or into central London (2 hr commute). If DH is at home he will go to the co-op (which is very expensive i think) for something to eat when we have a kitchen full of stuff. He will return with snacks/lunch which adds up to about £10. He also will pop to wetherspoons in the morning for breakfast, which is about a fiver and often go to costa for a break in the avo for coffee and a cake. If he is at the office he can spend about £30 on breakfast, lunch and snacks/drinks.

I appreciate he just wants to get out of the house/office and we can afford it some months - If it means he gets ALL the money left over after bills and we don't save or put anything away for holidays. But most months he draws on our savings account as he has gone overdrawn.

I have suggested we both draw out £50 per week for our 'extras'. He thinks this is wildly unrealistic and is bristling with me when i have suggested he cannot use the savings account as a slush fund for £100 here and there when he goes overdrawn.

I want us to start living within our means but DH feels that he earns a good salary and should be allowed to buy coffee when he wants it (sounds reasonable but when you add it up it is ). We now have an issue where i am restricting myself to accommodate his spending. My MA will stop next month so we need to be even tighter with ourselves.

I wish i didn't have to try to control his spending but i am really worried - despite him earning a decent wage. Our outgoings appear to be huge and we are hemorrhaging money :(

So AIBU to give him a budget?

[Trills]

Oh yes, poor DH, he used to be able to spend as much as he wanted but now the money is running out and mean old wifey is making him stick to a budget.

[kickassangel]

I think he needs to see a therapist. It sounds like he is genuinely lost in it all but also unwilling to change. You are his partner, trying to parent him won't be good for you. Some kind of outside help is needed.

[Trills]

He is an adult. But he has not acted like one.

[StillSmilingAfterAllTheseYears]

Why do you feel sympathy for him?

[StuntGirl]

^ This.

[StuntGirl]

x post. Was meant to be in response to trills but works equally well with smiling.

[scottishmummy]

look pragatically if money tight you lose luxury of housewifery
if he m-f you look for a weekend job to get you by,oent incur chidcar cost
I agree it's v alarming and scary.if as bad as you say then yes you do work

[MrsKoala]

astley - he was blinded by the fact it was such a good deal thru work and his mum who deals in shares encouraged him. she thought he was cutting back to cover it - but he just maintained his lifestyle.

i don't know what's in the savings now. we may have a few thousand in an isa. he's got a cheque for 6k for consultancy but that needs taxing etc. i've got £500 in my name and the sale of a flat with exh in jan which should give me 2k

[MrsKoala]

he wont look after the baby for night or weekend work - he can't, he is abroad a lot with work.

[StuntGirl]

Scottishmummy - when they are in the states all she can do is be a housewife.

Koala - you need to be earning. He has proven he cannot be trusted to financially care for his family. Could he go to the states alone? Could you get a different visa allowing you to work while over there? I think the options as they currently stand are absolutely unworkable. Something has to change.

[MrsKoala]

when he's not away, he works every weekend at home or goes to the TA. i can't see anything i could do. i also don't see why i should if we could be absolutely fine on a good wage.

[MrsKoala]

i could possibly work in the states but it wouldn't cover childcare costs.

[StuntGirl]

Ok so your visa allows you to work?

[pregnantpause]

Sympathy?! he's spent all of your savings and refuses to take any responsibility! wtf happened to your half?! how's his guilt going, for having spent all the money? what next, when savings runs out? credit? In a new country with no support no job of your own, and this idiot in control of finances and a child involved I would be very very worried

How can you afford to be thinking about another child? with no savings and security in finances how is that even an option? I'm sorry but we all lived alone before having got married and have kids. most of us pissed a lot of any wage we earned up a wall, most people are selfish when alone. but when you chose to be with a partner and esp a parent you stop being selfish. stop wanting to be selfish.

[MrsKoala]

the company are sponsoring a green card. once this is applied for i am told i could. i don't know what i could do tho. i am not very employable so would be low paid and who would look after ds?

[scottishmummy]

how will things improve in us?what's he willing to commit to,get this under control
will his wages go sole account,that you have access to?do you have an accountant
he has no notion of budgeting,it's head in sand considering another baby in this mess. really it's nutty to even think of a baby in that chaos.if you're struggling

[MrsKoala]

he doesn't have guilt because the money is still there just in shares iyswim. simply put he subsidised buying the shares with the savings - so now we have 30k in shares. However, i was led to believe this was as well as the shares. sorry for not being clear. we have lived beyond our means as we could have had both if more frugal. hope that makes sense. sorry.

[StuntGirl]

I suspect the ultimate answer here, if your husband will not reign in his spending, is that you don't go to America with him.

The childcare costs for your son will need to come out of both of your wages. So it won't ALL be out of yours. Once you have a job you will be in a better position to get a better job, or a promotion. What salary you start on won't be the salary you stay on. The fact is you need to start looking out for yourself and your child, because your husband is only looking out for himself.

I would only consider going to America if I had enough money squirrelled away to leave if I needed to.

[scottishmummy]

once in us you'll be able work,theyll not disbar that at all

[MrsKoala]

i know what you mean SM the thing is on paper there is loads of money. it just flows in and out so quickly my head is spinning.

our agreement is - all use of accs other than joint is off limits for both of us without agreement from the other. we will have an allowance from the joint which we must stick to. bonuses are for the savings not holidays anymore.

[Astley]

Ok, it's not great but it's not that bad!

They have £30k in shares
'A few thousand' in ISA's
Plus a cheque for 6k so after tax maybe £3k?

He has hardly driven them into the poor house!

They could have more saved, but in fairness the above is pretty damn amazing in these financial times.

[MrsKoala]

i have no idea what kind of work i could do. i'm shit at everything :(

[scottishmummy]

you have both been flawed,spendings,hols,not keep track ,and his reckless spending
sit down,work out a mutual reliable budget
this really is make or break time,need for complete transparency and rein it in

[MrsKoala]

sorry i didn't mean to sound so self pitying - i'm just not great at office stuff.

[Trills]

It doesn't matter if he has driven them into the poorhouse or not - he has spent money that was not supposed to be spent, misled Koala about what they had and where it was, put savings that were supposed to be joint into shares without her permission or knowledge, and he continues to refuse to consider budgeting because it makes him "distressed and confused".