To say STOP asking posters WHY they decided to become pregnant, have more dc etc

[akaemmafrost]

When they post about problematic relationships or life situations? And CERTAINLY NOT when there are disabilities involved.

Three times on three separate posts I have seen this question today and it infuriates me. I would be interested to know how many of you who ask that question would ask it face to face to a struggling pregnant woman or mother in terrible pain in RL.

1. They can't give them back and I am quite sure no matter whatever their personal situation they would not want to.
2. It adds NOTHING whatsoever to the discussion or support requested, it's a total dead end question that ensures the poster goes immediately on the defensive and feels ever MORE shite than when they first posted. Not terribly helpful in abusive situations.
3. No one can predict what will happen, life changes in a heart beat.
4. It makes you sound unbearably smug and judgey and like you don't have much life experience tucked up in your little ivory tower.

Thank you.

But when you ask the question what are you wanting/expecting to hear? And will it assist you in the advice/support you give, if so, how?

That was for specialsubject btw.

I think it all the time, although I try not to post it.

I am not always a nice person though .

It's very easy to judge a situation when you're not it it. I was with an emotionally abusive partner for a few years before I met DH. I'm sure an outsider could easily have told me I was being an idiot and needed to get out, which would have been true, but I was very depressed, had absolutely no confidence and was being manipulated by a very nasting controlling person. Even if someone has made relationship/baby decisions that may not necessarily be the most sensible thing at the time, pointing it out is counter productive as it simply stops people asking for help.

In the extreme:

Person A - "I'm pregnant by a emotionally and physically abusive man and I'm scared to leave because he says he'll kill me"

Person B - "how could you be so stupid as to get pregnant by such a man?"

Person A is too upset to return for the thread or ask for help again.

Person B retires from the thread content in the knowledge that they are right and perfect and would never be so stupid to get into such a situation themselves.

I suppose by asking the question it might make them take responsibility for the situation, you can't put a child back but maybe they will consider not creating any more.

pseudo. Exactly. Asking that question is entirely for the benefit of the person asking it. It does absolutely nothing for the poster seeking advice except make them feel rubbish.

Agree Honeytea but that's very different. I think it's fine to say "please consider not getting pregnant or pregnant again in your situation alongside advice. It's very good advice actually. But questioning existing pregnancies and children is needless and pointless and often just unkind imvho.

Yanbu!

YANBU at all....drives me mad when people do this.

joyfulpuddlejumper that is outrageous!

I understand, but it is frustrating when the OP posts that they had no income for three years yet deliberately conceived and now doesn't know what to do for money.

joyfulpuddlejumper People are lovely aren't they. :( We could told much the same by a doctor, obviously how dare I have a contraception failure while suffering from depression and disability.

But quite a few of life's problems are self-made. And a lot are not. But I told you so seldom helps anybody or pointing out the obvious like why did you do such and such. Well the person did do such and such and now has to deal with it and wants advice.

I'd never ask it, but I often think it.

"Why are you ttc with this man/in this situation" is a fair question, I think (provided the man and/or situation really is grim), as it challenges the OP to think about what they're doing before it's too late. However, once the baby is on the way, and most certainly after it's born, it's really totally unhelpful.

Ask me (unhelpfully) why I had four children with the waste of space that is XH, and I can only tell you that it seemed like a good idea at the time. Hindsight's a wonderful thing innit.

Yabu.

But I am not very nice.

honeytea and what of accidental pregnancies? Are you one of the posters who would advocate termination?

I wouldn't advocate a termination. I understand some pregnancies are contraception failures. I would only comment when a poster is complaining about a situation that could have been avoided had they not become pregnant and they were actively TTC. I have only ever said it once on mn.

If the reason for them TTC a child dispite not having enough money to live a lifestyle they want or not having enough time to see the child as much as they would like is that having a child is more important to them than anything else than it might help them to focus on the positives rather than dwelling on the negatives.

It is a bit like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted.

However, if I'm really honest I would be thinking that they did have a hand in their situation and probably less of a right to moan.

Prsonally it's about taking responsibility for your own actions, unexpected pregnancies aside, I know many women who are pregnant when they are in truly dire situations. It's only of their own making but ultimately the children will be the ones who suffer with the consequences of their parents actions.

Am I perfect? No, not at all. I constantly question bringing DC2 into the world when having a disabled DC1. But at least I knew what we would be facing.

Yes, but hopefully the horse wont bolt more than once, after it has been pointed out that it is possible to close the stable door....

It's a bit like the old chestnut where someone asks the way to x and is told "well, if I were trying to get to x I wouldn't start from here".

Like I said earlier. Saying "please consider no further pregnancies in your situation" is very different from the hectoring "WHY did you become pregnant in your situation?". The first offers thought for future decisions, the second adds nothing at all of any use to the current circumstances.

Exactly Quint