To say STOP asking posters WHY they decided to become pregnant, have more dc etc

[akaemmafrost]

When they post about problematic relationships or life situations? And CERTAINLY NOT when there are disabilities involved.

Three times on three separate posts I have seen this question today and it infuriates me. I would be interested to know how many of you who ask that question would ask it face to face to a struggling pregnant woman or mother in terrible pain in RL.

1. They can't give them back and I am quite sure no matter whatever their personal situation they would not want to.
2. It adds NOTHING whatsoever to the discussion or support requested, it's a total dead end question that ensures the poster goes immediately on the defensive and feels ever MORE shite than when they first posted. Not terribly helpful in abusive situations.
3. No one can predict what will happen, life changes in a heart beat.
4. It makes you sound unbearably smug and judgey and like you don't have much life experience tucked up in your little ivory tower.

Thank you.

[dequoisagitil]

It drives me barmy.

You might have someone who is heavily pregnant or something who is clearly distressed by events in her relationship, and some twat comes on and says something like "why did you get pregnant, then?"

Poor woman can't fucking rewind time, can she? Not useful, hindsight is 20/20, leave her alone if you've nothing sensible to say.

[akaemmafrost]

Yes TSC that's fine . Because there's no children already here. I'd be the first one to say "maybe hold off on TTC for the moment perhaps?" Don't CREATE that situation if it can be avoided.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Yanbu.

The only correct answer to that question is

" fuck off to the far side of fuck, when you get there fuck off some more you cunt"

[Overcooked]

It could also be saying 'you need to ask yourself why you got pregnant in your situation', looking at it objectively...

[akaemmafrost]

It's saying "you shouldn't have had your children/be pregnant" in your situation. No one has any right to say that imvho.

[Overcooked]

Re your second post, I think that is your interpretation of what is being asked, I certainly wouldn't read that far into that question as a third party. I would think it was questioning your judgment but not the love for your child.

[Overcooked]

Hmm, I can see what you're saying but is it sometimes a clumsy way of asking 'what drew you to a man like this, why, when things were so bad do you think you then went on to have children with him?'.

Again though, as you say above, not really a question for someone in the thick of it, it would be for later down the line

[akaemmafrost]

And another thing I would go through all that I went through a hundred times to still have my dc. I am sure most mothers would. When you ask that question you are diminishing their love for their children. You are essentially telling them they should not have had them. I would make the same choices again if it meant I still had my dc.

[akaemmafrost]

No, I really, really don't. Not when someone is desperate and in the thick of it, which is where I have seen it asked, people in really bad situations asking for help and posters just saying "I have to ask why are you even pregnant by him?". What is the answer to that? Are they supposed to apologise for being so stupid?

Just for example.

"My dh has cheated on me repeatedly, he's financially abusive, he attacked me while I was pregnant, he cheated on me while I was pregnant etc, I am devastated, can't think straight"

Response:- "I have to ask why you would even have children with this man?"

Do you see what I am saying? Is that the time to ask that question? When the poster is at rock bottom? With experience comes wisdom, the time for reflection is surely when the crisis has passed. It's turning responsibility for the situation on to the woman. You should have known he was like this, you should have had the experience and knowledge to protect yourself and not get pregnant.

[Overcooked]

Well in your situation for example you might answer 'because I truly thought that this was just how relationships were, but now I am beginning to realise that I was wrong, that he had worn down my self esteem etc' it might also prompt you to seek some help or counselling so that history wouldn't repeat itself.

I am kind of musing here as I don't know whether that is right ( nor would I actually ask the question), but do you think sometimes the question may actually be helpful?

[akaemmafrost]

Well I had two dc in a crappy marriage, but I didn't realise it was crappy, I thought this was just how things were, had to work harder at it, must be me, I will try harder etc. I learned mainly here on MN that my marriage was abusive. But I do not question why I had my dc, every day I am grateful that two fab people came out of it. Oh and they both have SN too and I am STILL grateful and happy every day that I have them. I feel privileged.

I think it is quite rare for someone to have full awareness of their rubbish circumstances then STILL have a child anyway. So to ask someone whose situation may appear to YOU to be unsustainable for a child is insulting, accusatory and judgemental. Again I would like to ask what answer are you wanting to hear when you ask that question?

[Overcooked]

Annie - lesson learned? It's incredibly sad that a baby is brought into the world to try and teach a lesson - especially as the lesson wasn't learnt and the DH continued to be useless. Anybody that did this should be asking themselves why they had a baby in this situation.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I dare say she thought that having a child on the way would galvanize him into a frenzy of desire to financially support his family. Lesson learned, hopefully. (Assuming it isn't one of those benefit bashing threads with, er, unproven assertions.)

[letseatgrandma]

I agree in most cases but a post a few days ago made me roll my eyes-the one where the OP ttc with her husband who had been out of work for 18 months (and wasn't looking for work herself) and then moaned when she got pregnant that he still didn't work and how would they manage.

In that case-I truly thought it was naive and foolish to ttc.

[Flossiechops]

Yanbu, I read a thread today where the op was having a difficult time with her dh. A poster asked if the op knew he was such a twat why she had married him and had dc, at this point it's hardly helpful is it? Plus presumably the op loves her dc!

[PandaOnAPushBike]

I've been asked this on MN and I agree OP, it's a really nasty thing to ask. Thankfully when some posters were saying it to me, the majority stood up to them. In my case it was judgement based on their ignorance and prejudice because I dared to mention being disabled and pregnant in the same post.

[Overcooked]

Isn't there an argument here that people sometimes need to step back and the self why they decided to have another child in the circ's rather than prioritise themselves or their existing child/ren and what steps can they take to stop them making similar decisions in the future.

[ReindeerBollocks]

Exactly Quint

[akaemmafrost]

Like I said earlier. Saying "please consider no further pregnancies in your situation" is very different from the hectoring "WHY did you become pregnant in your situation?". The first offers thought for future decisions, the second adds nothing at all of any use to the current circumstances.

[Anniegetyourgun]

It's a bit like the old chestnut where someone asks the way to x and is told "well, if I were trying to get to x I wouldn't start from here".

[PureQuintessence]

Yes, but hopefully the horse wont bolt more than once, after it has been pointed out that it is possible to close the stable door....

[ReindeerBollocks]

It is a bit like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted.

However, if I'm really honest I would be thinking that they did have a hand in their situation and probably less of a right to moan.

Prsonally it's about taking responsibility for your own actions, unexpected pregnancies aside, I know many women who are pregnant when they are in truly dire situations. It's only of their own making but ultimately the children will be the ones who suffer with the consequences of their parents actions.

Am I perfect? No, not at all. I constantly question bringing DC2 into the world when having a disabled DC1. But at least I knew what we would be facing.

[honeytea]

honeytea and what of accidental pregnancies? Are you one of the posters who would advocate termination?

I wouldn't advocate a termination. I understand some pregnancies are contraception failures. I would only comment when a poster is complaining about a situation that could have been avoided had they not become pregnant and they were actively TTC. I have only ever said it once on mn.

If the reason for them TTC a child dispite not having enough money to live a lifestyle they want or not having enough time to see the child as much as they would like is that having a child is more important to them than anything else than it might help them to focus on the positives rather than dwelling on the negatives.