To think there are reasons for favouring mothers?

[AnneNonimous]

I am well prepared to be completely flamed for this but here goes.

I see a lot of stuff on here about equal rights for parents - that there is no reason why a mother should be favoured over a father when it comes to caring for their children etc. I'm not 100% sure what the current situation is now when people go to court, I know mothers generally were favoured over fathers unless there was a very good reason for them not to be. If someone could update me I'd be grateful!

Now I would like to say that I do think fathers should have equal responsibilities to their children. That fathers should always have access rights unless there is a child protection issue.

But AIBU in thinking that there is good reason for favouring mothers when it comes to divorces and residency?

As a mother I know it would just kill me to have my son not live with me. His dad doesn't and has never felt that way. He might think it would be better if he did but he doesn't feel what I would feel. And to me this seems to be the general case. It just isn't the same. My dad was and is a great dad, I know he loved me as much as my mum did. But there was still something very different. She still misses me terribly if we are away from eachother for a long period of time. And he never seemed to feel that.

I know there are exceptions, but there must be a reason why so many men walk away from their children so easily when so few women can do that? I know of countless men that have walked out on their kids very easily. I know of one woman - who was a drug addict all the time.

I'm not sexist I don't think. There is just an obvious difference in being a mum and being a father and I'm sure I can't be the only one to see that?

[ClippedPhoenix]

It's called mummy love and can't be beaten

[donnasummer]

No? evidence? or is it another truism

[pylonic]

FreckledLeopard has nailed it for me. In trying to civilise ourselves we suppress our animal instincts.

Not all of those instincts are destructive..

[millie30]

I have zero memories of my mother, who gave birth to me. But I have a majorly strong bond with my stepmother who raised me. She displayed all of the maternal instincts and protectiveness to me that others on here are attributing to biology. Yet some mothers give birth to children that they then neglect or abuse.

[AgentZigzag]

'so - the good reason for favouring women re custody is tradition? '

A reason for favouring some women over some men, yes.

But I didn't say it was a good enough reason, I put the 'and I'm not saying that's the best way!' bit in so there wouldn't be any ambiguity about what I was saying.

[ClippedPhoenix]

No need for evidence sometimes, some things just "are"

[donnasummer]

ah my good god
and just after clintons went bust too

[donnasummer]

well no not all those animal instincts are destructive but no leopard yet has spoken Mandarin or had a power shower installed
up to you

[ClippedPhoenix]

what the fuck has cards got to do with it

[donnasummer]

I need mug with 'some things just are' on it

[ClippedPhoenix]

Or power showers for that matter

[BadWickedWorld]

I think probably knowing someone from when they first existed would count as a bond. Obviously there are other bonds that occur.

[donnasummer]

clinton speak
mummy love can't be beaten
some things just are
mug language

[ClippedPhoenix]

Not sure I can relate to a leopard either, a praying mantis or black widow maybe.

[BadWickedWorld]

Millie30 I think the bond is about care rather than biology. The bond between child and Mother/other carer is about experience rather than biology.

[donnasummer]

I think maybe I am a bit pissed
Thanks for being so gracious (raaah)
I still disagree with biological determinism and support the power of conscious lurve, though - without class creed race or gender
peace out and nn

[donnasummer]

or wot sober bww said

[saladcreamwitheverything]

I can see it from both sides..obv nature dictates females will be more capable of looking after their offspring especially in the early years (ability to BF etc).

But..males are able to look after their offspring too however the legal system does seem to favour the woman IME whatever crap she comes out with

My DH has spent £20,000 in legal fees to get access to his DS1, Social Services got involved to agree with DS1's mum that he shouldn't have access to the child, yet when DH is SAHD to my DS (his DS2), they don't have any issues?? (i made a point of asking my midwife to make contact with SS to make sure there were no "outstanding issues" with regard to childcare and they never got back to her)...the mind boggles...not saying my DH is an unfit parent, but going by what SS had said previously, you would have thought he'd have been "flagged up". Wonder why Baby P and all the others got overlooked?

Anyway I suppose my point is women are supposed to be nurturing and the ideal parent but they can also be bitch trolls from hell with no regard to what the child needs whatsoever :-)

I do accept some men are arseholes and those that don't want anything to do with their kids should be castrated

[SpringIsComing]

I disagree with the OP. The only thing that should be favoured, should custody arrangements unfortunately end up in court, is the interests of the children and that will vary a lot from family to family taking into account all sorts of factors.

What is very clear from all the research is that some form of shared custody really is preferable for children - it doesn't have to be 50/50 (which gets everyone clutching at their pearls round here) and there are recognised ways of doing it even in conflictual situations. There are lots of different ways it can work and doesn't require a high level of parental contact.

Thank fuck we've moved on from every second weekend access for fathers who ask for and want more. That's just barbaric to the children and a bit 30 years ago. I have 50/50 custody based on what I agreed with my XH before we had children and also on reading all the research I could find on the topic and it was very difficult to begin with, but when you have children you have to do what's best for them.

OP there are lots of different reasons for the issues you raise and a lot are societal.

[ClippedPhoenix]

I still feel that no-one is addressing the issue of kids being far more affected by a mothers inability to love their child than a fathers.

[Lifeissweet]

I have 50/50 custody of DS with my ex h. When I left, I left DS with his father and visited for a few months until I sorted out somewhere to live. This was what was best for DS. Of course it tore me up being apart from him, but it wasn't about me, it was about what was best for DS.

I would never have assumed that I would be DS's primary carer because of my sex. His father is every bit as bonded, capable and loving as I am. He always was an incredibly involved father and always challenged assumptions about maternal vs paternal bonds. E.g. When DS had an operation, the nurses assumed I would go down to theatre with him. ex H wouldn't have it and neither should he have done - he felt the need to be with him ever bit as much as I did, so he went and I stayed on the ward. It was always like that.

He is far more involved with DS's schooling than me - I am a teacher and rarely get to have contact with the school - ex h is a school governor. He goes to all of DS's medical appointments, as I often can't take time off. If anything, although custody is 50/50, ex h is probably the primary carer.

Society would probably attempt to make me feel guilty about that, but I don't. We are both devoted parents - just not one more than the other.

[SpringIsComing]

I still feel that no-one is addressing the issue of kids being far more affected by a mothers inability to love their child than a fathers.
I possibly missed that as an issue relating to this thread I didn't read every single post, but do you have any kind of references to back that up? Children are deeply affected by rejection or bad treatment by either parent. How do we know it's 'far more'?

[ClippedPhoenix]

Every time I have read factual based literature about violent crime it usually crops up that the mother was either indifferent, absent or cruel.

Not wanting to bang on about my upbringing but forgiveness never came for my mother, i can not and will not ever understand, being one myself, having something actually growing inside you, that you would not have a very unique bond that surpasses anything and everything.

[SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh]

Far more men than women walk away from their children without a backward glance because:
they don't want to do any domestic shitwork
they have started a relationship with another woman and therefore do not want any reminders of a previous relationship
they are 'free spirits' and therefore should be excused from taking any responsibility for anyone else ever.

Lots of men walk away without even considering how the child they fathered will be raised, fed, housed, cared for. In most cases where a woman leaves her child to be raised by someone else she will have chosen the person who is going to raise the child and made sure the child will be OK.
Yes, there are lots of decent, loving fathers - and a number of fathers who are prevented from participating in their children's lives because their children's mother is unreasonable. But in the vast majority of cases, men are more selfish than women. Because we live in a culture with a long history of seeing women as men's servants and property, and as things that exist to take up the slack when men fail in their obligations.

[ILoveSaladReallyIDo]

I'd imagine that if you had to go straight back to work immediately after the birth (no MA equivalent for self employed men), and weren't trusted to be alone with the children till they were about 2 etc.. it'ld be easier to walk away regardless of your sex.