To think there are reasons for favouring mothers?

[AnneNonimous]

I am well prepared to be completely flamed for this but here goes.

I see a lot of stuff on here about equal rights for parents - that there is no reason why a mother should be favoured over a father when it comes to caring for their children etc. I'm not 100% sure what the current situation is now when people go to court, I know mothers generally were favoured over fathers unless there was a very good reason for them not to be. If someone could update me I'd be grateful!

Now I would like to say that I do think fathers should have equal responsibilities to their children. That fathers should always have access rights unless there is a child protection issue.

But AIBU in thinking that there is good reason for favouring mothers when it comes to divorces and residency?

As a mother I know it would just kill me to have my son not live with me. His dad doesn't and has never felt that way. He might think it would be better if he did but he doesn't feel what I would feel. And to me this seems to be the general case. It just isn't the same. My dad was and is a great dad, I know he loved me as much as my mum did. But there was still something very different. She still misses me terribly if we are away from eachother for a long period of time. And he never seemed to feel that.

I know there are exceptions, but there must be a reason why so many men walk away from their children so easily when so few women can do that? I know of countless men that have walked out on their kids very easily. I know of one woman - who was a drug addict all the time.

I'm not sexist I don't think. There is just an obvious difference in being a mum and being a father and I'm sure I can't be the only one to see that?

[SoWhatIfImWorkingClass]

YABVVVVVU.

[donnasummer]

ah, you're just conditioned to think that
streetlyalife

[TheFallenNinja]

I was going to add something measured and considered but frankly I think that anyone who believes that a woman's love to a child is in some way better than a mans is full of shit.

[donnasummer]

donnasummer can't die!

[pylonic]

Depends on the father.

My children's father professes to love them, but he hasn't seen or spoken to them in over a year now, prior to that contact was sporadic, a couple of times a year.

Even before I left him,he never shared any parental duties.
He didn't have the maternal instinct equivalent.

This is probably because he's a psychopath, but I do get that feeling that some men just don't have that same strength of bond, and it figures, because they don't carry them, they don't feel two hearts beating inside their own body, they don't experience the same flood of unique nurturing hormones that women do at childbirth and during breast feeding.

But they are also mostly excluded from much of the initial early bonding simply because baby is constantly attached to the mother's breast for the first few months. Historically, it's always been this way, hasn't it? And then of course, society insists Mum can stay home on maternity leave whilst Dad stays at work, so he is set up for gradual exclusion from the beginning.

[donnasummer]

spot on ninja
pylonic have you heard of this new fangled thing called paternity leave? no, I kid you not ...

[pylonic]

I have Donna, is it something like 3 weeks unpaid and then only if the employer agrees with it?

[FreckledLeopard]

I'm with the OP on this one. It might be a generalistion and I accept that there are circumstances where it doesn't ring true, but overall, I believe mothers have a deeper sense of love and care that fathers, towards their children, and I believe that women should be the primary caregivers until at least puberty.

I find the idea of motherhood and bonding as a social construct to be utter bollocks. I am of the very firm belief that gender plays a key role in upbringing.

Fundamentally we are mammals. We can kid ourselves as much as we wish that we are logical and enlightened and somehow different to other species. We're not. Look at the animal kingdom - mothers are the primary caregivers to their young. Male animals may play varying roles in their offspring's upbringing, but I have yet to see evidence from the world of mammals that shows fathers to be involved to the extent that mothers are.

I think women's hormones make them more nurturing, make (most) of them want children and tie women strongly to their offspring. New mothers envisage situations in which their child could be harmed and do their utmost to safeguard against this. Of course there are exceptions, but I truly believe that women have a stronger nurturing instinct than men.

Also, biologically, women have a greater interest in protecting their offspring. Men can have multiple sexual partners and multiple children, relatively easily. Women have to grow a child inside them for nine months.

Sorry, but to me it's a no-brainer. YANBU.

[donnasummer]

well I didn't feel unique nurturing hormones at childbirth I felt like I was being ripped in two
more likely a man would bond a baby, logically, since he didn't have to force it out of his nethers!
To summarise - biological determinism is a bit crap, really, and why are we competing about how has the most lurve anyway? if my dc's dad said he'd have them for another week I'd be made up tbh

[donnasummer]

snails, now they are hermaphrodites
let's not look at the animal kingdom

[donnasummer]

seahorses

[AgentZigzag]

I don't think it necessarily comes down to something 'better', but if you look at it in terms of someone has to look after them, and if it's someone in the parents of the childs home, then traditionally it's been a woman (and I'm not saying that's the best way! But we have to work with what we've been given by previous generations).

You can change the reliance on women for doing that of course, but it's not really surprising if it's the default position in some ways after all the hundreds/thousands of years of it being a woman's responsibility.

[TheFallenNinja]

I also don't think that either separated partner has the impartiality to judge the others "love" for their child.

Whilst its refreshing to see some pragmatic views here, the prevalent scenario is hero to zero overnight.

I don't believe we should have children to enrich ourselves or make ourselves feel good about ourselves, this should be the normal byproduct of being a good parent i.e we earn the good feelings we get by carrying out our responsibilities to the best of our abilities (and sometimes beyond).

[donnasummer]

so - the good reason for favouring women re custody is tradition?

[AnyFucker]

The other thing is, until we stop making angels out of men who "help" with shitwork and childcare, not much will change.

it's not men holding men back, often

[AnyFucker]

(I don't think that a man who does his fair share is anything special, but many women do)

[TheFallenNinja]

Excellent point Anyfucker

[ClippedPhoenix]

I think it comes down to biology at the end of the day, women bear them, they grow inside us otherwise the man would also be able to conceive. A mum in most cases has a unique bond.

[donnasummer]

af I totally agree

[BadWickedWorld]

I just think oh come the fuck on, something you have actually grown from your own body, you are going to take greater care of than something you helped create a long time ago and have no actual connection to.

We are basically still animals, if you are male you could still have offspring all over the place, female, you are going to look after your one offspring well.

Males are perfectly capable of nurturing babies, but it doesn't happen often.

[donnasummer]

clipped I hope we transcend basic biology really
you'd hope so, wouldn't you

[ClippedPhoenix]

Children become far more fucked up by a mum that's a wrong-un than a father.

[donnasummer]

or you could say look I've grown the bugger from my own body n all, now you have a turn

[TheFallenNinja]

There may be a "unique bond" due to the carrying and delivery but there will be a unique bond when I explain the offside rule to my DD or take her to her first formula 1 race. So how does one unique bond trump another?

[ClippedPhoenix]

Nah, doesn't work that way donna.