To think there are reasons for favouring mothers?

[AnneNonimous]

I am well prepared to be completely flamed for this but here goes.

I see a lot of stuff on here about equal rights for parents - that there is no reason why a mother should be favoured over a father when it comes to caring for their children etc. I'm not 100% sure what the current situation is now when people go to court, I know mothers generally were favoured over fathers unless there was a very good reason for them not to be. If someone could update me I'd be grateful!

Now I would like to say that I do think fathers should have equal responsibilities to their children. That fathers should always have access rights unless there is a child protection issue.

But AIBU in thinking that there is good reason for favouring mothers when it comes to divorces and residency?

As a mother I know it would just kill me to have my son not live with me. His dad doesn't and has never felt that way. He might think it would be better if he did but he doesn't feel what I would feel. And to me this seems to be the general case. It just isn't the same. My dad was and is a great dad, I know he loved me as much as my mum did. But there was still something very different. She still misses me terribly if we are away from eachother for a long period of time. And he never seemed to feel that.

I know there are exceptions, but there must be a reason why so many men walk away from their children so easily when so few women can do that? I know of countless men that have walked out on their kids very easily. I know of one woman - who was a drug addict all the time.

I'm not sexist I don't think. There is just an obvious difference in being a mum and being a father and I'm sure I can't be the only one to see that?

[donnasummer]

and?

[donnasummer]

soontobe biological determinism is v reductive tho

[donnasummer]

the and? was to the phone stalker person

[LineRunner]

Oh dear.

[cantthinkofadadsname]

What about adoptive parents? Or babies conceived through surrogacy? Do you think the bond is stronger for mums then?

[donnasummer]

good point, can't

[SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh]

Outside of situations where a baby is being breastfed (in which case it's the mother who is the more important parent, obviously, as men can't breastfeed), it should depend on who is the main caregiver. Mostly that's still the woman. That's why children live with their mothers after a split more often than they live with their fathers.

[cantthinkofadadsname]

And it's very hard to get a child to sleep when he's almost gone and the phone rings. And then he wants to go home to "his bed".

But we got past that stage. I ring up my son occasionally but not everyday. I know he's ok.

[AgentZigzag]

Even though I was saying earlier on that everything after the birth is socially constructed, I did notice when my DDs were babies that there was definitely something biological in the urgent feelings I had for them.

I think mens testosterone levels drop when they're in the presence of their own babies, making them less aggressive, so maybe there's something there as well?

[soontobeburns]

As I said mine comes from the generalisation I am not a mum but I do agrer I am conditioned to believe thay biological deternination plays a big factor.

I kmow adoptive kids for example are loved so so much but it is conditioned to think (wrongly I know) that if someone has an adoptive and biological child the bond would be more with the biological child.

Again im not saying this is my opinion just that it is what society conditions you to believe.

Not same but I am closer to my non blood "uncles" than blood so I know it is just a conditioned thing.

[donnasummer]

it would not 'just kill me' not to have me dc live with me
you are overthinking this op, some dc live with their dads, some with their mums, some with other carers, every family is different

[donnasummer]

soon, don't say you are conditioned to believe you buffoon - do you think so or not? your experience says no, so trust that!

[millie30]

I absolutely believe that I love my DS more than his father does and that I am a better caregiver than he is. That is because of my ex's shortcomings though, and not because I'm a woman.

[DrRanj]

I have thought about this and I honestly think that if dp and I split up we would go joint custody. I work full time, as does dp, and he truly does at least half of the parenting including baths, bedtime, housework, nappy changing. It wouldn't work if I had dd all the time and him only once a week, I need him for childcare and he would be devastated not to see dd if not daily then very frequently, including overnights, as he is used to being so hands on.

Not that I plan to split with dp, but I do often mull over the dynamics of our family from time to time!

[soontobeburns]

donna sorry if I worded it wrong. I was brought up in society from what teachers,media, sociologists told me. (Biological)

From life experiences and knowledge I know its wrong.

Does that make more sense?

[AnyFucker]

donna, you're not really feeling love much, are you ?

[AnyFucker]

if DH and I ever split, he is having 50% custody whether he likes it or not < boom boom >

[soontobeburns]

though buffon wss rather rude

[donnasummer]

I'm sorry, that was rude of me
Believe what you experience not what you are told
You sound like you have your wits about you.

[WorraLiberty]

I think back in the 1950s one could fairly reliably say there were far more reasons for favouring Mothers.

But as we're moving (albeit painfully slowly in some cases) towards much more equal parenting and responsibility, I'd say not so much now.

But again, it depends on the parents and the children involved.

[AnyFucker]

I love Donna Summer. Takes me back to my misty youth....

[donnasummer]

you put it beautifully and in a loving way worra

[donnasummer]

Thanks babe

[BadWickedWorld]

I know it's not politically correct, but I agree with you. That is down to my circumstances though, I had a much closer relationship with my Mother than my Father, and although I was gutted when he died when I was 15, I was utterly devastated when my Mum died in my 20's.

My children basically get all of their emotional attachment from me, dp is very stand offish, hardly ever hugs or touches them, mostly tells them off.

Not surprisingly my children all favour me, I actually hate this state of affairs, but is it my job to police my dp's relationship to his children?

I don't really know, he is very affectionate when they are babies, this then reduces to him being very shocked when dd(9) gave him a hug .

This makes me terribly sad, but it is obviously his style of parenting, not really sure of what to do tbh, I'm really scared that if I die my children will experience no love or understanding whatsoever.

[AnyFucker]

I think Donna Summer died. Very sad, that.