AIBU - DS seems to think I am!

[HappyHome14]

My DS is driving me mad

He's 15 and he used to be my closest friend, but recently he's changed, and won't listen to me anymore

He has got it into his head that he wants to go to College next year - but he wants to go to a college that runs a watersports course, and he'd have to live there in a room during the week because it's so far away.

He's been into watersports as a hobby since he was little, I've driven him everywhere at weekends and he's missed class time for school competitions, but he's not going to be an Olympic champion, so I don't understand why he's got this idea in his head that he can make a job of it. The teachers at school and his clubs aren't helping, they have told him that this particular college is a great place, and that he'd really enjoy it, it's a good idea and have told me how proud I should be of him . I took him to the open day there in the hope it would put him off, but he still wants to go! But he's too young to leave home and live with loads of other teenagers; he can't cook (he's not messing up my kitchen!) I do all his laundry and I buy him everything he needs so he's never had to manage money - how will he cope away from home?

I've told him that he will be going to local 6th form and after a year, we can talk about it again - but I'm hoping that he gets a steady girlfriend or gets a job, so he doesn't want to move. Now he says that wants me to go and look at the 6th form with him at the open day next week, but whats the point? Its the only one locally, so that's where he has to go.

My exH isn't helping - he's told DS that he should "follow his dreams" if that is what he wants to do . He took DS to open a bank account and is offering him money to do odd jobs and for helping out in his GF business, he's telling DS how well he's doing at school and he's even told DS that once he's 16, he can choose where he wants to live He took me to court to see the DC's ages ago, but the Court said that they should live with me and DS decided that he didn't want to see exH anymore after he moved his new GF in. exH kept on harassing DS, writing to him, going to school parents evenings, sending presents and he has wheedled his way back into DS life now with all this talk of going to college, and DS believes it! Ex keeps asking when me, DS and him can sit down and discuss it - but I can't stand the sight of the man, and it's nothing to do with him, anyway.

Now my Mum's getting on at me too - she has to look after the DC's while I work, and she moans about not having any free time - but now DS is nearly old enough to look after his younger DBro, my Mum is saying I should let DS move out!

How can I talk sense into my DS? He just won't listen to me at the moment; I've tried yelling at him, bribing him, crying and telling him how much I will miss him, but he's obsessed and no-one except me is being realistic

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I'd have to say that 5 in a supposedly serious post is quite impressive.

Do you have management issues?

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks."

[financialwizard]

Is this a reverse AIBU thingy?

If not are you serious? You're completely mad if you don't let him go. Spend the next year teaching DS the life skills he needs to go to that college and let him follow his dream or you run the very real risk of him resenting you for the rest of your life.

Why would you not encourage him to follow his dreams? I feel very sad for your DS if you really are this way with him.

Sounds to me like you need him more than he needs you.

[MsElleTow]

We read on here, so often, that people have teens that have one drive, don't want to do anything other than bimble along and play on an X box!

You have a lad who is driven and motivated and knows what he wants to do! You should be proud and encouraging him, not stifling and suffocating him. You carry on the way you are going and he will go and not come back! I feel so sorry for him.

My youngest DS is the same age as yours, he wants to be a nurse. I am encouraging him all the way. I don't know if he will be the best nurse in all the world, but I know he will be the best nurse he can be!

[ClippedPhoenix]

[exexpat]

I somehow doubt the OP is going to return to this thread - it's her (?) first and only post on MN...

[Graceparkhill]

Ah well- it got my adrenaline going.

[financialwizard]

Actually you can have my very first if this is real

[Merrylegs]

I'm thinking it's character in a book? Like if she had said 'oh and he lives in a cupboard under the stairs' kind of thing. Hmm. Watersports.....Freewilly?

[Dead69Girl]

YABU!!!

its his life and his choice, if you stop him then it could cause problems for your relationship with him,

let him live HIS life

[NewKateMumsnet]

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[shewhowines]

I can understand you being apprehensive about a 16 yr old moving out, but YABU for all the reasons mentioned by others. I also think it's great that your exH has proven his love for his Ds by fighting so hard to maintain a relationship with him, through so much opposition and hostility.

Grow up and put your son before yourself - even if you are naturally worried about how he will cope.

[hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman]

My DS is 20 now but for as long as I can remember he dreamed of being a falconer. Hand on heart, I very much doubted it would happened for him, it's not exactly the sort of job you can study for but I would never, ever have tried to stop him achieving his dream. He went to college, studied animal management and took a job he really didn't want. He hated that job so moved to one that was slightly better. Every weekend he would go off and volunteer at a local falconry place, he'd go no matter what the weather and he'd put long hours in doing the cruddy jobs no-one else wanted to do. At the grand old age of 19 he applied for a job as a falconer 200 miles from home and do you know what? He's there now, working his socks off and getting rave reviews. I am bloody glad we never rubbished his ideas and dreams.

There are jobs in the world of water sports why shouldn't your son achieve HIS dream? Let him go to the college. He'll learn to look after himself very quickly.

[FlankerMum]

OP, if you are genuine . . .

I can sympathise with how you're feeling but not with how you're behaving!

I'm in a similar situation with my 15 year old DS, who announced at 14 years old he wanted to do 6th form in a similar college (a rugby college) when the time came. This would involve him boarding at the college with other boys his age but being responsible for laundry, budgeting, self catering etc.

When he first talked about this I felt a huge pit in my stomach and not a little panic! He is my only son, the light of my life, I can't imagine him not being here at home with us and he's far too young to be doing all that!

BUT at 15 years old, he's in year 10. He has the rest of year 10 and all of year 11 before he would move away. Young men grow and mature so much in those years! Already he has shown maturity, ambition, realisation that to achieve in his chosen sport he must work exceptionally hard and have enduring commitment. I'm so so proud of him for this and wouldn't dream of trying to hold him back! Is he going to be an international rugby player? I don't know, the odds are long, very few make it that far, but to have a dream, a goal in life will give him purpose and shape the man he will become. It will open up all sorts of opportunities for him along the way. Surely better that than mooching along at the local 6th form, ambition squashed before he even starts, thinking there's no point in aiming for the highest he can.

Seriously, I understand your feelings but really and truly they are all about you! I know this because I had those feelings too, I'm just glad I managed to hold them in because I realised that they were 'poor me' feelings and as a mother I have to help him all I can to achieve his potential. He will meet enough obstacles to success along the way, how can I, his mother be the first one?

It's not too late for you to change your approach and help your son. You are going to be so incredibly proud of him one day! Wouldn't it be great one day for him to tell people how proud he is of you and how much he loves you for being there for him and supporting him when he most needed it? Or do you want him to say 'well it was no thanks to her'?

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Yabu to not let him go. Also are bu to consider your child your closest friend. That is not what parents are for.

Your exh is giving him the right advice.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

How have so many posts been deleted already?!

I miss all the fun!

[expatinscotland]

Reverse AIBU?

YABU.

[SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots]

Flanker that is a beautiful post.

[Floggingmolly]

Your relationship sounds horribly unhealthy.
Your 15 year old son is not supposed to be your closest friend. You won't allow him to learn to cook because it would mess up your kitchen ; he'll eventually grow to hate you if you stifle every bit of life and independence out of him because you've got no life of your own.
No wonder he's desperate to get away.

[squeakytoy]

I cant take this OP seriously at all. It has to be reversed or a wind up.

[FiercePanda]

This sounds like a storyline from Doctors.

Seriously, OP, if there's even a shred of a chance of this being genuine, you sound like one of those creepy mums who beg and cry for their "wittle baby bwoys" to stay at home with them forever. I'd be so proud of my DS if he got to fifteen and had all this ambition, passion and drive - the fact you can't see this is ridiculous. He's your son, not a possession to keep forever like a prize, and he's growing into an adult and needs to be cut from the apron strings... and for god's sake, let him cook. He's more than capable of cleaning up afterwards.

[AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow]

Oh lord, you are not being very supportive are you? and to be fair your Ex H sounds like a dedicated Dad..
exH kept on harassing DS, writing to him, going to school parents evenings, sending presents and he has wheedled his way back into DS life now with all this talk of going to college,
what is wrong with you woman? keep this up you will be on your own,looking after your DS2 and your eldest won't want anything to do with you.