Actually, I think my sis is being selfish and unreasonable

[BerylStreep]

My Mum who is retired and lives on her own is really unwell. She has been hospitalised, and has since been discharged, but still very poorly, while she waits for a procedure which she will be in about 3 or 4 months time.

Me and 2 other siblings have been caring for Mum since she became ill about 6 weeks ago - calling every day to prepare meals, do dishes, laundry, shopping, make cups of tea, have a chat etc. Even when she was in hospital there was a fair amount in terms of laundry, visits etc. We all have DC, jobs etc, but it is no problem to do it as we are all really worried about Mum. Another sibling has even flown home from abroad to help out.

Mum is finding it really hard to get up and down stairs - thank goodness she installed a downstairs bathroom a couple of years ago. Yesterday she said she was thinking of buying a 3 seater sofa so that if she is too unwell to go up to bed, she can stretch out on a longer sofa and sleep on it (she only has a 2 seater sofa at the moment).

We have a further sibling, the baby of the family, who works abroad - let's call her Barbara. She is single with no DC. She moved out of her flat here about 8 years ago, and moved abroad to study, and now works abroad - it is unlikely she will ever return to live here. She has used 2 of the bedrooms in my Mum's house to store her furniture and possessions since then, making these 2 rooms unusable, but Mum doesn't mind.

When Mum said yesterday about buying a sofa, I immediately thought of Barbara's 3 seater sofa which has been in one of the bedrooms for the last 8 years. This would be a perfect solution, as Mum isn't even well enough to go shopping for a sofa, doesn't really have the income to be able to afford it (would be using savings), and probably only needs to use it for about 6 months until she has had her procedure and recovered. I suggested this to Mum, who said she would ask Barbara.

So today I was speaking to one of my siblings, who told me Mum had asked Barbara if she would be able to use her sofa. Mum had given assurances that she would care for it, use throws etc. Barbara has said no, she doesn't want Mum to use it.

[Mouth hangs open] Un-fucking-believable. So, is she being unreasonable?

[LucyGoose]

I am disgusted with your spoiled sister and her sh*tty attitude. So attached to a sofa, after 8 yrs? WTF? With your mom ill and wanting to lay out??

Its good she's coming over at Xmas so she can see what is happening in the real world. And I hope you all have a good word with her then.

[maddening]

All that is left to do now is to take a shit on thwarted sofa.

[maddening]

The sofa

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

She hasn't even made an excuse. Reminds me of a period of my life? What does that even mean in the context of a soft furnishing? Remembering a sofa doesn't stop it being unusable as far as I know. Could you talk to your sister yourself and explain what you have here? If she has the full facts I don't see how she can refuse your mum's reasonable request to use the sofa.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I would be tempted to go back and say how the sofa will now always hold memories for you of how little she cared about your ill mother.

[bringbacksideburns]

You need to call her on this.

Your mother doesn't need to know and you all can make it clear she is to be kept out of it when you talk to her about it.

You tell her in no uncertain terms that your mum is far more ill then she realises, never being there. And that you find her attitude selfish in the extreme and would she mind getting rid of some of her possessions to free up your mother's rooms as she now spends more time downstairs.

I don't understand why you are pussyfooting around this grown woman. I think that's probably why she is so spoilt - precisely because of that.

[bringbacksideburns]

Oh and at Christmas i hope she gets a bloody good wake up call!

[fuzzpig]

Indeed, bringback. Maybe as a present you could get her a little tiny doll's house sofa

[captainmummy]

Use the damned sofa - it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission. When she is over at xmas you can point out how ill your Dmum is, how she needs a downstairs 'bed'.

Then if she still wants it storedaway again - start priming your mum about moving to a bungalow (a 1-bed) as stairs are actually too difficult for her now. Then sis will have to shift her rotting stuff.

[BerylStreep]

Pussyfooting around is precisely what I am doing, I'm not proud to admit it.

With such a large family, any conflict in the past has usually been characterised by (the offender usually) going off into a complete strop, what with attack being the best form of defence, dragging everyone else into it, and creating a family feud for about 3 years before it gets resolved.

I am so upset on Mum's behalf, but I will get told by Barbara that it's none of my business and to butt out. Mum won't thank me for causing aggro, so I will end up being in the wrong. It's really for Mum to call her on it, but she probably wouldn't at the best of times, and certainly not now that she is so unwell.

Hmm, writing it down makes it all sound very dysfunctional. Not far from the truth.

[QuickLookBusy]

Beryl I completely understand why you are reacting as you are. As your mum is ill there isn't any use in upsetting her.

I do think as your mum has to buy something new anyway, hat a day bed would me much more comfortable for her than a sofa.

I really hope your sister realises how outrageously she is behaving when she visits at Christmas.

[dinkystinky]

Your sister is definitely being unreasonable - I'd call her and explain the situation properly (I suspect she wasnt listening when your sister called if she was hungover and your mum didnt explain how ill she is when she called) and see if she still says no. If she does still say no, I think it is entirely right and proper that she makes a proper and meaningful payment towards a new sofa, or even better, a bed that can be housed downstairs (if there is space) for your mum - after all, she's been enjoying free storage courtesy of your mum so its time for her to do something nice back for her.

[Lavenderhoney]

Sentimental memories of a sofa? That sits in your mums for 8 years? She is having a laugh. So much so that these memories are worth more than your mum being comfortable and the risk of you all not talking to her again. However taking a job thousands of miles away does strike me as not being someone who would mind that as it would not really affect them.

I assume she has a sofa where she lives now? Will it be hurt when she leaves it for Christmas? And the one at your mums, does she give it a cuddle? 'woman, x yrs, marries sofa. Family stunned."

Is she married or have a bf? You can imagine the conversation -

babs ' yeah, got this old sofa I love and it lives at my mums under a pile of other stuff. Been the for 8 years. And my mum is now really sick and asked to use it. The cheek! I love that sofa. My sisters are really fed up with me. No one understands. The cheek of them!' I know she is very sick and frail, and I never use it or see it, plus it's got fag burns' No, I don't have a photo of it.

Bf- what?

Babs- so, are we still getting married?

Bf - no! Runs away screaming

Babs- tosser. The cheek of it.

Your mum knows what she is like. I think your mum can't cope with the stress over a sofa, but it's not really the sofa, it's about her lack of empathy and love, and you having to put up with it.

Make sure she sleeps on it when she arrives for Christmas.

[diddl]

Perhaps when your sister sees how ill your mum is, she´ll change.

And yes, your mum should have dealt with it by now.

But-you are there now & if it needs dealing with now, then it does tbh.

So move the sofa if necessary & deal with it when sister comes over.

Or, get a sofa bed if that would be more comfortable.

[diddl]

TBH I´m amazed that Barbara was even asked.

It´s been in your Mum´s house for 8yrs-isn´t it hers by now??!!

Is everyone frightened of Barbara?

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

If your OP has been, "is my sister being unreasonable and selfish for taking up two rooms at my mum's house with her old furniture for 8 years while she lives abroad", I would have said a resounding YANBU. For her now to be so unkind to your mum when she is sick is beyond horrible. I actually think it is worth making a fuss over although obviously without your mum being aware of it. Getting rid of all the excess furniture in case your mum does need to move to a bungalow seems sensible to me too.

[SpinningBirdKick]

Firstly, I must apologise for your sister being a twat

...just use it- what's she going to do- sue you all?

Precious, ignorant ungrateful bitch....

[Felicitywascold]

This is outrageous. Please tell me you are going to give her what for?

[BlueberryHill]

First off, your sister is behaving so badly, everyone is saying she is a twat, and she is. There is a great temptation to think fuck it, I'm using that sofa ro to just let rip at her and tell her what you think, she is being so unreasonable to not let you use it for your mother.

However, your mum, you and your other sister have so much to deal with right now, physically and emotionally. Forget Babs and your sofa, unless you think that you can get her to change her mind without an argument. Your mother is unlikely to feel happy using it and she doesn't need a family argument about it right now. Get her another sofa / day bed and something that she will feel comfortable in. I'm so sorry that your sister is adding to your and your mothers stress at this time, don't let it eat you up and focus on what is important, your mother feeling as comfortable as possible.

[captainmummy]

I agree with Quick - it's more than about the sofa. The arguments in a large extensed family are not inconsiderable - however, I'd put the feelings of my mum (ill or not) above my concern for my little sister, in any family feud, any time.

You and your sister have choices - your mum buys a day-bed and sis leaves the furniture where it is for a quiet life, or your mum has to move, into sheltered accommodation/warden assisted flat/nursing home/ in with you; or into a smaller, single-storey place.

Sis will have to move her stuff out sooner-or-later, and sell it/charity it or dump it.

[BerylStreep]

I am hoping that Mum won't have to move into assisted living - hopefully once she has this procedure in 3 or 4 months time, she will be a bit better.

Ha, I like the suggestion of saying the rooms need cleared to allow people to stay! When my other sis & her family come to visit, they have to stay with me because there is no room at Mum's! Not that I mind, it is great to have them staying.

All the siblings except Barbara are going out tonight. I suspect it will be raised then, but BlueberryHill is right, Mum won't want to use it anyway if she thinks it hasn't been loaned freely.

[ValentineWiggins]

See if there is anything stored in her boxes that could accidentally leak all over the sofa?

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

Family meal sounds like a good time to decide on a united front to present to Barbara. She can't continue to take up valuable space at your mum's without allowing the stuff to be used when needed. I feel genuinely annoyed on your behalf especially at a time when you and your other siblings are under such pressure.

[SaggyOldClothCatPuss]

I'm sorry, but I'd be sabotaging that sofa!
What's so special about it anyway? Did she lose her virginity on it? Give birth to her first child on it?
She needs to move her shit, so that when your mum has her procedure, people can stay and look after her.