To expect our friend to bring a bottle of wine when he comes to us each week?

[pingu2209]

Nearly a year ago my dh oldest friend moved from one end of the country to the other to live in the village we live in. It wasn't to be near us, it was just fluke that a new job was in the nearest town and he liked the village we live in. He knew/knows nobody and lives alone with no girlfriend etc.

We have him over for dinner every week on a Thursday. He drinks a lot and when he is with us drinks well over a bottle of wine to himself. We always drink 2 bottles of wine. My dh doesn't drink and I have 1 or 2 glasses max., the rest is drunk by our friend.

At first he brought a bottle of wine along each time he came. However, after a few weeks I told him not to worry as he will be with us so regularly that he shouldn't worry. My perspective was that a weekly mid week meal with us is quite low key, nothing grand and I wasn't expecting to drink alcohol each week. However, I didn't realise how much he 'liked a drink' and he will ask for a glass of wine.

He is a maths wizz and since this September has come to our house earlier than normal every fortnight or so and works with one of our children on their maths. The lesson lasts about half an hour. He then joins my dh and I for an evening meal - with 2 bottles of wine.

This Sunday we invited him and a couple of other friends for a roast. We don't normally see him at the weekends as we are busy with our 3 children's activities etc. I made a big effort and the beef alone was over £23! The other friends came with wine and chocolates, he turned up empty handed.

I am in mixed minds over whether I am unreasonable to expect a bottle of wine. I have spoken to my dh and he agrees with me that it was quite rude to turn up with nothing.

However, firstly, he is a very old friend. Secondly, I did specifically say not to bring wine along each week. Thirdly, he is working with one of our children on their maths on a regular basis (although not weekly as he isn't able to come to us early enough).

I have tried offering him tea and coffee when he comes on a Thursday but he responds with a smile (I think he thinks I am joking) and says he'd rather a glass of wine.

However, 2 bottles of wine a week is ending up quite expensive! I belong to a wine club and get a crate of wine each quarter; it doesn't last!

[pigletmania]

Yabu you told him not to worry about it. He works with your ds each week, kind of offsets the cost of wine. Anyway if you had to pay for Maths tuition it would cost far more than some wine. It's not worth falling out for

[squeakytoy]

blimey, there are times when I drink too much.. but I dont have a drink problem.. and it doesnt really sound like this bloke has one either..

the array of solutions are so simple..

buy a cheap bottle of wine
dont invite him round
dont allow him to give your child free maths tuition

[zlist]

I agree - buy cheap (er) wine.
The maths tutoring is worth £15-£20 for the half-hour. With 'mates rates' I think a home-cooked meal and 1 bottle of wine is reasonable.
Maybe don't drink yourself for a week or two and make a point of only opening one bottle of wine.
I presume that you enjoy his company as I would find it a bit much to entertain every Thursday!
I think it was a bit thoughtless of him not to bring wine on the Sunday, especially as it looks like he isn't likely to invite you over for a roast any time soon. However, he probably just thinks the 'don't bother with wine' thing applies there as well - I know quite a few people who would also think that way (my DH included!).

[OhTheConfusion]

DH's former Sil and her new husband (so weird I know!) stay with us once every two months because FSil attends a meeting in our area and her DH comes along for the ride!

They both drink quite heavily and it really started to grate on me that they turn up with nothing and then drink 4 bottles of wine between them over dinner!

When I was pregnant I obviously wasn't drinking and DH had to drive at 6am the next day so we were not drinking... we purpously 'forgot' to pick up wine for dinner and thought that would be that... oh no, they just drank spirits instead!

Just buy the cheap wine!

[DreamingOfTheMaldives]

Why don't you send him a text one afternoon, an hour or so before he is due to arrive, telling him you've run out of wine and would he mind buying a bottle on his way over. He might take the hint then that turning up empty handed and guzzling everything in sight is a bit mean.

Otherwise, I would just put the one bottle of wine on the table, not have any of it if you're really not that bothered anyway and then hope he doesn't have the cheek to ask for a second bottle. Or as someone else suggested, buy some cheaper wine.

Actually, buy some absolutely dreadful wine that tastes like vinegar and then hope he buys different wine in future because he can't stand to drink the stuff you keep buying.

[Marzipanface]

I think dinner and a bottle of wine is sufficient payment for tutoring. Only offer one bottle of wine. If he says anything just say 'Only one bottle available in these austere times'! He'll get the message.

[RichTeas]

You can't find fault with him for not bringing wine if you specifically told him not too, especially when he tutors your daughter.

However, you want to find a polite way reduce the amount of wine you provide. The trick here is to be inconsistent with the number of bottles available: sometimes two, often one, occasionally none. If DF is a keen drinker, he'll be sure not to be caught short by bringing a bottle over again.

[Ephiny]

YABU if you specifically asked him not to bring wine!

Just don't serve wine with the meal if you don't want to. I wouldn't unless it was a very formal occasion.

[blanksquit]

I think he's taken it literally that you don't want him to bring wine round.

He probably hasn't understood what was behind your thinking at all. Maybe he thinks the tutoring is a trade off? Tutoring is quite expensive. Or maybe he thought you didn't like the type of wine he was buying. Or that he's such a good friend it's not necessary for him to bring gifts every time. Some people are just not very socially adept and get it wrong.

You're now in an awkward situation. I would perhaps say something like, oh we've got no wine in, do you want to pop down to the shop and get some.

[Mrsjay]

juts bring out 1 bottle every week hide the rest you did say not to bring any wine and he is now tutoring your child , a bottle of wine between 2 people on a thursday should be enough , put water on the table or soft drinks ,

[expatinscotland]

Buy cheaper wine! Tell him you're not a member of the wine club anymore. As long as he's not driving, his drinking habits aren't really your business (he lives alone, has no kids).

[Sokmonsta]

Definitely start buying cheaper wine for when your friend comes round, and not so much of it so once it's gone, it's gone.

Whilst this may seem odd to many, we have friends with whom we have cheap wine, and friends we share much better wine with. The reason for this is I'm not much of a wine drinker but have found several bottles of wine which are to my taste, that I could cheerfully have a glass or two and be satisfied. I have some like me, and other friends who will neck whatever wine is on the table purely because it is a drink and with no real appreciation for it. I know they would a) enjoy and b) expect the good stuff every time if I started bringing it out. At £13 a bottle, not a chance! Unless they were prepared to reciprocate with wine I liked. But I know they think its great that they can get 3 bottles or whatever for a tenner and are happy with that.

With regards to the tutoring, you are still feeding him and giving him company. As the tutoring appears to be on a casual basis, no need to pay him or think that you owe him more than dinner and company.

If it feels too one-sided on your part, the theory dh and I have is we all put into this basket of generosity, helping friends out etc. there will be times when we need to take from the basket, and its not necessarily the friend we've helped the most up to that point who gives to us. But it all balances out in the end.

[pingu2209]

I'm not going to offer to pay him for tutoring because he would still drink the wine. Dh says that he drinks with us and then goes home and has more alcohol when he goes home at 9ish. He kind of hangs around the kitchen with me rather than go into the lounge with dh, until he gets a glass of wine.

The alcoholism thing is a red herring. He has admitted he has a drink problem and drinks too much. But he hasn't said that he wants help and not to drink with us. I would offer him wine until he says that.

However, I think I will buy cheaper wine and have only 1 bottle out when he gets here. I will say "help yourself" and then not watch what / how much he drinks so if the bottle runs out after half an hour, then he will have to go without.

[Pourquoimoi]

Also agree that if you don't drink very week it'll be rather awkward for him to drink more than a bottle.

[Pourquoimoi]

The other question is I presume he's not driving home??

Otherwise ordinarily I'd expect someone to being something BUT you told him not to and I'm sure he sees tutoring your son as him repaying your hospitality. I think it does so YABU.

The Sunday meal though was out of his pattern so I would have hoped he'd have realised that and brought a bottle.

[FellatioNelson]

sorry, that wasn't a textspeak u, I just didn't hit the keys hard enough on the y and the o!

[FellatioNelson]

u could announce that you are trying to make a concerted effort to give up during the week and will no longer be buying it, for your own benefit, so if he would like some he must bring his own. Of course then you'd have to be really good and not have any of his, but it's a solution without making things awkward, at least.

[calypso2008]

I think YABU as you told him NOT to bring wine! He clearly really feels at home in your house and this is a massive compliment as you must be a lovely host. He is also tutoring your child, plus once a week, lovely to have a meal with a good friend and have some drinks. I would not say anything about this to him.

However, I definitely think he should have bought wine for Sunday lunch. That was rude of him not to.

[HellothisisJoanie]

i think oyu are getting beyond yourself. Your bottle of wine or lack of it wont cure alcoholism.

leave that to H or to the bloke himself.
have one bottle only of cheap plonk OR offer to pay him for tutoring.

[FellatioNelson]

Hmmm. This is tricky - on the one hand you did tell him not to bring wine any longer, and he might be one of those slightly emotionally unintelligent men who takes things a bit too literally, but he does sort of tutor your children as a way of returning your hospitality, but on the other hand you'd have to be pretty thick skinned and selfish to not notice that the arrangement was somewhat one-sided after a while. I think he should start thinking for himself and doing what seems right, irrespective of what you said to him, and bring the wine anyway.

VU of him to not bring any when it was a dinner party with other guests present as well though, and not just your usual casual arrangement.

[pingu2209]

when he came round.

[pingu2209]

I said that he 'liked to drink' but he and dh have spoken ages ago and he has a drink problem. My dh says that we shouldn't be having wine when he has a drink problem. He isn't a recovering alcoholic, he isn't tee total. He drinks alone each evening and I am not sure he would be able to get through the evening with us without a drink, so I can't not have any alcohol in the house.

Of course, if he said to us that he wanted to do something about his admitted drink problem, I would hide all alcohol when

[lottiegarbanzo]

Yes, surely if you don't drink at all, he'd have to be quite gauche to ask you to open a second bottle (slightly contradicting my previous post but really, there are reasonable limits).

[ErikNorseman]

You are not obliged to drink with him, just serve yourself juice/water and buy in some cheaper bottles for Thursdays. I'm not sure why you told him not to bring wine! But the tutoring seems a fair exchange in monetary terms, if you want to look at it like that.
However he was rude to turn up to Sunday lunch empty handed.

[lisad123]

Just put one bottle out and leave it at that. Maths tutors here are £25 a hour so I think your getting good deal, plus you told him not to.