To think you don't tell kids you are buying them a big ticket item for Christmas

[HopingItllBeOK]

for their sole use if they have been telling you excitedly for months that the whole family are saving up for it as a family present and now have enough money for it. Or to think that if you were planning on getting this particular gift, given that it is a big, expensive thing, you would run it by one of the adults in their household before going to the kids? Or at the very least if you must get the item in question, give it to the children early and thus paint yourself as a hero, you should get the actual thing the children have been going on and on about, not a substandard version of it which is going to need a crap-tonne of add ons to match up to what was originally saved for, and is second hand and therefore not under warranty and likely to break within a year anyway?

AIBU to be pissed off and mentally composing a refusal of the 'offer' and am I being a killjoy and looking a gift horse in the mouth?

[HeadlessForHalloween]

Just get it, and tell ex that you've already bought a new package. Tell him by email, sound very polite and reasonable, but to the point, then save the email for your records in case he uses this to get at you.

You have a valid reason to ask him not to get it.

[HopingItllBeOK]

I actually get on really well with my MIL, cornflower. The current one anyway, the exes mother is a different matter but since she isn't in our lives in any way, it isn't an issue.

Well done MissPants, you beat me on the lazy ex front. At least mine bothered to pay a private investigator to find out my address. I'm sure those 2 minutes typing a status were really hard for your ex though. The poor lamb

[cornflowers]

And there I was assuming the op was about a MIL
YANBU at all.

[MissPants]

Thank you Lolloping, that's truly lovely of you to say

I don't think I could have borne seeing DS disappointed and hurt. Fear of that outweighed my annoyance at having to cover for ExP's mess once again.
He was another who launched a desperate search for his children the moment he heard I had moved in with now DH. By desperate I mean a Facebook status appealing for information on my whereabouts

[financialwizard]

My exh promised my son a PS3 when they first came out. When they eventually saw each other the PS3 had been out a while and exh took DS11 to Game and bought a second hand one. Fast forward a month. DS is playing the PS3 at home (in a different country) and it dies. Completely dead. Sent it back at great expense to exh and he blamed me for it dying (it was an electrical fault). Due to the fact that the post was delayed he couldn't get a refund and DS11 was very very upset. So we have (18 mths later) bought him one for Christmas.

[Cahoots]

Ok, this is a little bit different a viewpoint but I think it would be great to have 2 consules. It is easy to monitor screen time as you can use the parental restrictions to set up exactly when and for how long it is used.
Also, your DC's are just getting to the age where it is nice for them (and for you) to have a bit of personal space. It is particularly useful if they have friends round. It's much better than having to keep unplugging and plugging in the playstation to move it around the house.
If my teens have a lot of friends over they often link together two game systems. I think they use XBoxes but I think you can do the same with playstations.

[Anonymumous]

I'd refuse it. It's really sweet that you've all been saving for it together, and it's not fair of anyone else to spoil the culmination of all that hard work. It's just mean-spirited.

[MyLastDuchess]

YANBU. To be honest I'm aghast at some of these stories. My parents split when I was very young but always presented a united front ... on everything to be honest. Trying to score points like this always backfires on people in the long run, because as the kids get older they realise what was going on and lose respect for the game-playing parent.

[HopingItllBeOK]

Ah the never materialising handheld console. Yes we had one of those as well. Promised and promised them a DS each, despite being told they were too young for them. One went missing in the post, refused to replace or send the postage receipt claiming it was lost so I could replace it and claim it back. 4 days before Xmas on the year DSs were the must have toy so cost me a sodding fortune on eBay. Find out a month later a claim has been made with royal mail. I never saw the money. He still asks them both if they use the DSs he bought them both.

I don't think I will ever understand the mentality of someone who could screw up their own child's christmas out of spite

[LollopingLil]

MissPants, you are totally awesome. What an amazing mum.

OP, YANBU. Not at all.

[MissPants]

Yanbu. I hate when people use gifts for point scoring.
Another one here who had to deal with a feckless Disney dad (thankfully he lost interest some time ago) who promised DS1 a game boy for months and months. A week before Christmas there was neither hide nor hair of it and when asked he evasively made it obvious that it wasn't forthcoming. Cue me sending the DC for a week long 'holiday' to my mothers so I could spend the week subsisting on cup a soups and toast in order to buy the damned thing. DS still to this day doesn't know it didn't come from his dad

[MadamFolly]

What a twat, I agree he is doing it to undermine your family setup.

[YourHandInMyHand]

Yes at their ages they're not daft! Get the new console bought and set up. They could ask him for some games for it and like I said if he does disregard you already having one just trade it in for more games.

Even with all his bluster he may end up NOT getting them it anyway.

[HopingItllBeOK]

We are buying it as soon as we find the best deal going (currently playing a couple of places off in a price match battle) and will be set up as soon as it arrives, on the understanding that it is everyone's main Xmas present and we are just getting it early. The DC are 12 & 13, so well past the age of having to wait for Santa ;)

They are old enough that when they have had time to think about it, they will realise that the shiny new console is the better option and get to thinking of alternative suggestions. They are also old enough to be a bit mercenary and when it was sprung on them last night, their first thought was 'whoo! Now we can use what we had saved for more games!' and they were straight onto amazon to check out game prices. Given the lack of contact until recently they aren't very confident disagreeing with their dad either and all the court stuff so far has been tailored to what suits him and they are expected to fit in with that, so despite my efforts they seem to be getting the message that what dad wants, dad gets and they aren't allowed to say no. I'm counting on the mercenary nature of pre-teens to override that and help them find their voice though

[YourHandInMyHand]

Are the kids not old enough to say no thanks dad, we already have the money to go get one but we'd love x,y or z for xmas?

It does sound like he's doing it on purpose TBH going on his previous behaviour.

Where you buying it for xmas, or just for whenever when you had all saved up enough?

[HopingItllBeOK]

We (me, the 2DC and my partner) have all been saving for it. The idea was that we all chip in for it and it belongs to everyone. He was told this several times during phone contact, as DC1 mentioned that is what some of his birthday money was going towards, then that we nearly had enough, then we had the money and were looking for the best possible deal. So he knew that we were all buying it together as something to share.

In my more ungracious moments I do suspect that that is why he has suggested it, because it will be a family item and includes DP and not him. In rather the same way that he didn't bother to see them for years until he found out we moved in with DP, then couldn't file court papers fast enough that is why I asked in a generic way if IWBU first of all though, because I am not entirely sure how much is him BU and how much is me lumping it in with all the past behaviour and assuming maliciousness where it might be me over reacting.

I probably am over thinking it tbh. I will just tell him not to buy the old model and leave it to the DC to make alternative suggestions. It's up to him what he does then.

[YourHandInMyHand]

Who originally said they would buy it? Who has been saving up for one?

If you had said I've been saving up, that's what I'm getting the kids, and then he does that, then he is being unreasonable.

If the kids were nattering for one and he has said he will get them one, then fair enough.

I wouldn't make a big deal of it. I would tell him you are buying them an up to date bundle and leave it at that.

If he still goes and buys them an old useless console (not useless per se but useless for your family's needs) then leave it be, then a few weeks down the line point out to the kids it's silly to have 2 and that you could trade one for more games and accessories. ?

[HopingItllBeOK]

Sending it back to have at his house isn't an option. He lives hundreds of miles away and due to several issues only has supervised daytime contact so they wouldn't get any use of it there. I suspect that his response would be that they have the bells and whistles one in the living room (where all our consoles are) and his one in their bedroom, which seems a bit pointless to me, especially as he knows we have a rule about no consoles in the bedroom to keep track of screen time.

Tbh whatever I do, it is likely to be used as an example of me being difficult or grabby in court (see above mention of issues) so I was wanting to get an outside opinion on whether it was reasonable to say "no, don't get it. If you do we will sell it and put the money towards something useful." so I know whether to worry about it being brought up or if it will just make him look a bit short sighted and daft.

[CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz]

Been there, done that. Tell him they won't play the older one when their new bells and whistles one with kinect and all the other bits turn up, your deposit is non refundable, it's up to him if he wants to waste his money on something that won't get played with once your one turns up.

Then at him.

If he still goes ahead and buys it then he's a twat then either offer it back to him when your one turns up, for his house, or sell it!

[BattlingFanjos]

My son's father (really stuggle to use that word) promised him a bike from Santa. Talked about it for weeks and weeks. The week before christmas came, no contact and a crappy poundshop jigsaw in a package arrived through my door. I was FUMING!! Not to mention skint when I then had to go and buy the bike! I agree with other posters, say thanks but no thanks. He should have just spoken to you and chipped in for the new one. Bizarre!

[HopingItllBeOK]

Cowthy, close but no cigar. It is a limited edition Xbox with kinnect we have been saving for. It's a proper bells and whistles bundle, whereas the offered one from Dad is an old (hopefully post 2007 to avoid the ring of death) xbox elite which has significantly less memory, overheating issues, is bigger and more unsightly, doesn't have wifi and would just be the console, not the kinnect and accompanying games which would need to be bought separately at not far off the cost of the bells and whistles bundle.

Pebbles, unfortunately asking him to chip in for the bundle wouldn't go down well, nor would suggesting something else. It would be taken as me demanding something I want for myself

KKP I did think I was probably a bit obvious to anyone who has had a similar issue, but hopefully vague enough to everyone else to get a general overview without the relationships involved clouding the issue. Sorry you have to deal with a feckless Disney dad type as well.

[PebblePots]

Or what couthy said, suggest something else they would love that dad can get them if you/he don't want to do a joint present

[Sirzy]

Tell him you have already got them a new one, but if he wants the second hand one for them at his house that's fine

[PebblePots]

Blokes not booked