to think first years too young to date?

[happyhalloweeneveryone]

my sons at high school and 2 of his friends from primary have a girlfriend at their new school. Im sure it is innocent but I personally think 12 is too young for that. i wouldnt allow it if my son comes home announcing a girlfriend, i think id break in to a panic! Aibu and is it a common thing?

[aldiwhore]

It's too young for anything but a kiss, cuddle and walking around holding hands... but you have to start somewhere!

They are starting the journey from boy to man, it will get a lot worse. I know most of my peers were fumbling by 13/14, still quite innocent, a grab of boob or a touch of knob OVER clothes. Some went further.

If they're being respectful I wouldn't be concerned.

[LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops]

DH lost his virginity at 12. To a 15 year old his babysitter. Just saying...

[halloweeneyqueeney]

yes I do know quite a few people who lost their virginity at around 12/13, but they were ALL ones who were dating behind their parents back, and it was often to older partners too. The ones who were allowed a boyfriend/girlfriend really didn't do much at all, there was no urgency to pack as much experience as possible into any opportunity IYKWIM, we could walk around the village holding hands so that was all we did

[LisaMed]

My nearly six year old is in a long term relationship with a girl he met in nursery. Both sets of parents are equally baffled, but they are good pals and we just go with the flow. Sometimes they meet up at soft play.

OH's auntie and uncle started dating at @ age 7. They were nearly fifty years married before he passed away.

A harmless friendship learning the emotional ropes isn't always a bad thing.

[thebody]

Your cousins dd will do whatever she wants but just lie about it op.

To 'ban' boyfriends till 16 is laughable, she probably has had kisses and cuddles and just lied to her mom. I would have.

Dd is 13 and has had a bf for a year, they hold hands, are best mates and no dough have the odd cuddle and kiss.

She knows all about sex and I have explained that till at least 15 it's under the jumper stuff and no lower.

We will discuss contraception when she is 15 and see how life is then.

To bury head in the sand is dangerous I think.

Me and dh were at it like rabbits at 15 and been married for 25 years!

[CailinDana]

I agree with the body that the parents with the ones with their heads in the sand are deluding themselves that their children aren't up to anything. If you're open with your children you can at least hope to know what's going on in their lives and be there to help if they have problems, but if you "ban" things (which is just a pointless gesture that says "I don't trust you") then all the child will do is hide things and possibly engage in dangerous behaviour by way of rebellion.

[thebody]

Totally agree cailindana..

[crazygracieuk]

My son had girlfriends in t4.
He is currently y7 and a lot of his friends have girlfriends. He has pecked her on the cheek a few times, carried her bag to and from school and sat together at lunch sometimes. All v innocent.
He said some of it is linked to establishing an identity at secondary. Out of his year group of 250, only 10 or so come from his primary.

[cory]

I think SirBoob makes a good point: absolutely no harm in children having a time to explore the concept of girlfriend/boyfriend gently before they reach an age where it is likely to come with the expectations of sex. Hopefully it helps them to realise that you don't have to rush into sex the moment you fall in love with someone, that it is ok to take things slowly.

Or as LisaMed put it, 'learning the emotional ropes'.

Just because some early teens aren't interested in the opposite sex doesn't mean there is something wrong with those who are. My best friend had her first serious boyfriend aged 14. I did not have any boyfriends until I was grown up. There was nothing wrong with either of us! Nor with our choice of boyfriends for that matter: she is happily married to her first love and I to the man I met after my first year at uni.

[mycatlikestwiglets]

My, you're an innocent lot! I, and all my friends, were dating boys well before the age of 12 and snogging was commonplace in the final year of primary school. Some of the girls even let boys put their hands up their tops (not me though, I was well brought up ). I think it's a little naive to think that children aren't interested in that sort of think at the age of 12, although of course there are always exceptions.

[Mrsjay]

DD has the same boyfriend from 2nd to 4th year I dont think you can stop them tbh I know a few of dd2s friends are not 'allowed' boyfriends and they just sneak about and meet them ,

[notjustastateofmind]

I personally think its too young.

There are a lot of assumptions on here about how 'innocent' it all is at that age. When me and my friends had a boyfriends in year 7 it wasn't very innocent at all; (sorry for TMI) we were regularly getting fingered and attempting to give BJs. Most of us went no further but a friend of mine ended up pregnant at 12 when she did take it further.

This was years ago, I fear that with the proliferation of internet porn, 12 year old boys may actually be much less innocent now than they were back then.

[Mrsjay]

DD2 has never had a boyfriend she is interested in boys though

[KellyElly]

You sound a bit controlling. Surely its not up to you if your son has a girlfriend or not. He's aloud to have independent thought, no? The majority of 12 year olds relationships are very innocent - bit of snogging at the most, if that.

[CailinDana]

Thing is though, notjust, is that if you "ban" it then the child will just hide it from you, there's plenty of opportunity to do that in secondary school. If you're open with them, and are aware of what's going on, you can at least help if things go wrong or if they're unsure about something.

[KellyElly]

There are a lot of assumptions on here about how 'innocent' it all is at that age. When me and my friends had a boyfriends in year 7 it wasn't very innocent at all; (sorry for TMI) we were regularly getting fingered and attempting to give BJs I'm sorry but I don't think that your experience represents the norm at that age. He's in the first year at senior school, so he's just 12. Not 12 going on 13.

[cory]

I don't think anyone who has had a different experience is necessarily innocent- more that what goes on may differ from place to place.

[zeeboo]

Notjustastatwofmind, sorry but your experience is very far from normal!!! My ds2 has had 'girlfriends' since year 5 and would be terrified of any physicality! It's a label they use to feel grown up. My eldest son went through it and lost his virginity to a long time girlfriend when he was 17. All perfectly normal.

[LisaMed]

notjust I didn't figure it out, nor did I get involved in anything moist until I was @ 18 or 19. Some people don't.

I think if you 'allow' your kids to date openly then you have a better chance of giving information about safe sex and emotional safety before all the raging hormones hit. DS gets chased by his girlfriend in the playground (normal at age 5 or 6) and I once asked him what would happen if he let her catch him. He gave me the 'FFS mother' look. But he can already learn the lessons of being nice on her birthday, getting presents that suit her, making an effort to look nice when they meet etc. tbh I am doing that with all his pals, as he is otherwise very much a boy who plays only with boys, but I want to be able to look any future DIL in the face when he remembers birthdays etc.

The thing is, it is going to be me that teaches DS that he has to treat any partner with respect. It is much easier to do when the 'relationship' is in the open, known of by both parents and before the urge to start the squelching stuff really hits - though in my case I had hoped for a few more year's grace.

[cory]

Considering dd's upfront honesty about other issues (e.g. the accessibility of alcohol at parties she attends etc) I have no reason to believe that her account of early teen sexuality are unreliable. And it seems to run more or less like this in her school:

Yr 5- going out means you say you go out, but actually do not approach each other or have physical contact

Yr 6- you may hold hands

Yr 7- kissing behind the lockers

Yr 8- increasingly passionate kissing behind the lockers and possibly time spent together out of school

Yr 9- more practice behind the lockers and time spent together out of school

Yr10/11 - some teens are now having sex but not all and it is not considered odd not to do so

[LisaMed]

cory - that is so spot on. I remember that tangle without any fondness, I wouldn't be that age again for all the money in the world!

[GhostofMammaTJ]

My DS has a GF and he is in year 1, year one of the first school that is. It is very serious and they are properly in love. They are determined they are getting married.

I do think that you will have to learn to pick your battles. An innocent hand holding romance at this age is going to be the least of it over the coming years.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

I went to a Girls school,so it's a bit unknown for me - son in y7. It's reassuring to read about it on here.

[MamaBear17]

I am a teacher and you wouldn't believe the amount of issues I have to deal with regarding pre-teen relationships. Nothing particularly scary, just the general teasing that takes place from other kids about the couple being 'in lurveeee', the vast and uncontrollable sobs when one dumps the other (despite the fact that 9 times out of 10 they have not so much as held hands or had a proper conversation), and the teasing from other pupils regarding who dumped who. It is usually innocent at that age, but it can be emotionally draining too!