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AIBU?

To refuse to help SIL

57 replies

balotelli · 27/10/2012 06:46

Dw's sister is having affair with a married man 20 yrs her senior.

He has decided to leave his wife of 21 yrs next week and move into rented house with SIL and her 9 yr old DD.

SIL lives with MIL in MIL's house and wants help to move her furniture into the rented house.

I do not agree with what they have done and have refused to help hem move on moral grounds.

My EXDW had affair with a friend of mine and destroyed our relationship with devastated me so I have some idea how his DW must be feeling and so cant do anything that could be seen as condoning the situation.

DW is torn as she feels horrified at her sisters actions but its her sister.

I think her DSis is heading for some sort of breakdown as she is failing at her work training, completely ignored DW's birthday this week and totally forgot she had agreed to babysit for us this weekend.

OP posts:

Report

DontmindifIdo · 27/10/2012 10:25

I would put money on his move in with your SIL being 'delayed' for some family crisis, or he will let her pay out a lot of the costs to set up this home, make sure it's all ready and then he'll move out, because heaven forbid a man about to break his DW's heart might have to be even slightly put out.

I'd refuse too, just say you want nothing to do with this relationship, she can get her new man to move it. If he can't, then he can pay for removals, or is he too cheap for that?

Must say, he doesn't seem much of a catch,wonder how long it'll take for their "star crossed lovers" act to drop and she sees she's bagged herself a cheap, unfaithful, unfit, old, fat blob.

Inertia · 27/10/2012 10:49

No, I wouldn't help either. MrUnfaithfulBastard can do it, or pay for professionals to do it, or get a local man-and-van .

I would probably offer your niece a lovely day out with yourself and your wife while the move is going on, so the star-crossed idiots lovers can move without worrying about her, and to give your wife the chance to offer reassurances and a listening ear to your niece.

pumpkinsweetie · 27/10/2012 10:52

YANBU- Her mess, her problem!
Don't get involved.

thebody · 27/10/2012 10:54

Don't help, why should you?

thebody · 27/10/2012 10:57

Waiting, yeuk, blackmailing over the children, how vile of you and your dh.

though agree that you could treat dn while the fat twat and stupid sil move themselves, or pay like anyone else.

LineRunner · 27/10/2012 11:45

I wouldn't help. I wouldn't lift a finger.

Jux · 27/10/2012 11:59

She needs to find out how useless her fat, unfit new man is, and exactly how much help he's going to be in her and her dd's life with him. So, don't help.

Take your niece out for the day instead, and let her know she can always come to you when life gets shitty (which it will, for her, very soon ).

balotelli · 27/10/2012 12:06

He has told his wife.... he was going to leave in the new year but she told him to Feckorf NOW!! They have signed a lease on the house from next thursday so it looks like it may well go ahead.

I give it til Xmas b4 it goes tits up.

She sort of hero worships him (martial arts instructor, though at his size I'd just run..... he'd never cach me) and he thinks she is is some young goddess. ....... she cant keep her own bedroom tidy and is an utterly hopeless cook so I hope he is a domestic superhero.

SIL's DD already has MH problems and sees a counsellor regularly and there have been warnings about low level SS intervention due to SIL's appalling parenting skills (wants to be big sister/best friend rather than mother)
I would love to be a fly on the wall watching it all unravel but feel rather sorry and concerned for DN.

We have said that we are happy to 'adopt' her but this apparently 'will never happen' as SIL thinks she is doing fine.

As my DW said SIL has delusions of adequacy!

I think all I can do is offer support for DN and just be there for DW as MIL uses her to constantly whine to about SIL.

Thanks for all your replies. Glad to know I'm not being an unreasonable git.

OP posts:

mutny · 27/10/2012 12:57

Still won't surprise me if he goes back to his wife.
There is no way its a breakdown. She is just selfish

oh and waiting what a heart warming story of a man using his kids to blackmail his parents.

simplesusan · 27/10/2012 13:15

Op- do not help her move. YANBU.
Can you arrange a day out for yourself and dw possibly taking dn with you?
Either way do not allow yourself to be drawn into this mess.

lisaro · 27/10/2012 13:36

So she's too immoral for your help but not too immoral to babysit for you? Get over yourself.

lisaro · 27/10/2012 13:38

I'm not commenting in your decision not to help by telling you to get over yourself, I'm commenting on your hypocrisy.

MrsRhettButler · 27/10/2012 13:45

Waiting never said her dh left his xw for her! Lots of assumptions there. This may have happened before she came along.

alpinefresh · 27/10/2012 13:48

spot on lisaro

DontmindifIdo · 27/10/2012 14:14

A martial arts instructor who isn't fit enough to shift a few boxes???

Lisaro - where does he say she babysits for him? I see that he says they babysit for her as they have DN over a lot...

lisaro · 27/10/2012 14:20

Last paragraph - he was actually expecting her to and was put out she forgot.

DontmindifIdo · 27/10/2012 14:24

I see, OP - was this a favour babysitting that she could reasonably expect a favour back of helping you move or was that paid babysitting or was she 'paying back' you babysitting DN?

Mind you, if she let you down when you asked her for a favour, then ignoring the moral side of her relationship, you'd also be reasonable to say if she can't help you out you won't help her out....

MagicHouse · 27/10/2012 14:30

When I first read your post I immediately agreed with you that I wouldn't want to help either. However, thinking about it, I agree with some posters who mentioned your niece, who will possibly be feeling disorientated and uncertain about the move. I would be wanting to support her. I think you can agree to help her, but say that you don't agree with what she is doing, that you worry about her future with this man and that you will be there for her if she needs it. Also, if your gut feeling is that she's heading for a breakdown, then now isn't the time to be walking out on her and your niece's life.

WaitingForMe · 27/10/2012 14:31

No he didn't leave for me and he didn't blackmail his family. But his mum and sister were focused on their own hurt for a while rather than realising it wasn't a decision he was making lightly.

He and his ex amicably shared access so he had them a fair amount of the time. He strangely wasn't keen on being given grief for a hard decision so they needed to give him a break or he was going to keep to himself while he rebuilt his life.

My point was that the niece wasn't involved in her mum's decisions and it'd be sad if she was adversely affected by the situation.

EMS23 · 27/10/2012 14:56

What lisaro said. I think you're very judgy but you have every right to refuse to help.

diddl · 27/10/2012 15:21

OP is very judgy to disagree with his SIl for having an affair??

I don´t think you should help her move if you don´t want to-but be there for your niece & let your wife help if she wants.

It´s a difficult one.

re the babysitting for example-should all contact with her be cut, then?

Jux · 27/10/2012 16:16

I think not helping is the right thing, as I said above. Not from the morality/judgy pov, but for the simple reason that she and her bloke are adults and if they can't sort out a small move by themselves then they probably aren't capable of a lot of other things too. If the bf is incapable of helping to lift a few boxes and bits of furniture, I suspect there are going to be a lot of other things he apparently 'can't' do too, and the sister needs to know what she's going to be dealing with.

You don't have to adopt your niece you know, that's a bit drastic and no wonder your sister refused point blank. You could just invite her round after school, at half term and in the holidays for a few days or so. If you keep it regular then it'll help her a lot.

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EMS23 · 27/10/2012 19:11

Not cut contact but its a bit rich asking her for favours when he won't do her one. I think it's hypocritical.

diddl · 27/10/2012 19:56

Maybe OP & his wife have done favours in the past.

I don´t think that you have to do everything that a family member asks you to.

EMS23 · 27/10/2012 20:57

In his OP he said he was "refusing to help on moral grounds"

IMHO, in that case, he shouldn't be asking her to look after his kids. If you're going to take the moral high ground you should be 100% about it and whiter than white yourself.

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