Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3

AIBU?

Aibu to think its not selfish & unfair of me to want to go back to work part time?

63 replies

girlsyearapart · 22/10/2012 18:36

I am a qualified teacher. Dh is a London taxi driver. I went on maternity leave to have dd1 who has just turned 5 and haven't been back to work since as we have had 3 more dcs since then. Youngest now ten months.

I really would like to go back to work part time - probably in September when the eldest two are at school and dd3 in the nursery where you can pay £10 for them to stay all afternoon if you wish.

Asked dh about it and said as his job is flexible I could go back to work two days a week either next September leaving him with ds and school run two days a week or following year once ds in nursery.

He has said no as 'why should I get all the choices?' either I work full time or not at all.

I am being unfair expecting him to work and look after the dc while 'I fanny about doing whatever I like' (going back to teaching!)
So his view is either I don't work at all, work full time (don't want to do that as wouldn't see the kids hardly at all) or if I work two days a week then he also gets two full days a week 'doing what he likes' then works Friday - Sunday therefore giving us no family time.

So am I being unfair? I have stayed at home pretty much being a single parent while he studied to become a London cabbie and still am while he works and is studying to get the next stage.

I was under the impression that things would change wrt family time/time for me to go back to work once he finished (in about 2 more years)

Seems I was wrong...

Is there anyone out there who can give me advice on how they make it work working part time?

Help as he is making me feel like I'm being a spoilt princess about it all and I really don't feel iabu

OP posts:

Report

Iodine · 22/10/2012 21:33

With an attitude like his I would go back to work, encourage him to take 2 days doing what he wanted and happily not see him.

He sounds like a real wanker with an attitude problem. Did you discuss this before having DC? I'm just wondering if he's changed his mind now that you have DC.

girlsyearapart · 23/10/2012 05:31

I have always said when they go to school im going back to work. Don't quite know why it's suddenly become an issue.

He can manage with all four dcs and has just got up with ds and is doing the school run today. But he is doing it today because he has chosen to which I think is his problem - he never wants to book anything in advance or commit to anything.

So if I want to book tickets for something or arrange a specific date to see people he ll say 'well I don't know what I'll be doing that day

This doesn't just include us it goes for everything

OP posts:

poorchurchmouse · 23/10/2012 06:44

Um, so why did he have children? He must have noticed that they involve rather a lot of commitment, and that sometimes they have to be in a particular place at a particular time. Or did he assume little wifey would do all that and he'd just be Fun Dad?

poorchurchmouse · 23/10/2012 06:44

Um, so why did he have children? He must have noticed that they involve rather a lot of commitment, and that sometimes they have to be in a particular place at a particular time. Or did he assume little wifey would do all that and he'd just be Fun Dad?

YouSmegHead · 23/10/2012 07:08

His argument makes so little sense that I don't believe he can actually believe that. He just doesn't want to commit to those two days. If you want to try and work with that could you be a supply teacher and work as and when?

sashh · 23/10/2012 07:22

We get tax credits which we would lose if I went back to work and I would probably earn roughly the same or a bit more.

Maybe this is it?

He has been working annd providing for his faimily, now you want to work and expect him to take time off to do the school run and you won't be any better off financially.

I'm not saying it makes sense, or is reasonable but if you have presented him with a full plan without any consultation, life will be come a tiny bit harder for him, and no extra money I can sort of see his point.

Not sure I'm explaining this, basically I think he wees you working part time as soething you want to do, don't need to do and that it won't make you any richer.

Maybe you could look for some hours in an FE college, a lot will give you a few hours but not full days.

poorchurchmouse · 23/10/2012 07:55

Sorry for earlier double post - on phone. sashh, that may be at the bottom of it, but (a) it's not what he said and (b) it ignores all the longer term advantages of having two people in work.

poorchurchmouse · 23/10/2012 07:55

Sorry for earlier double post - on phone. sashh, that may be at the bottom of it, but (a) it's not what he said and (b) it ignores all the longer term advantages of having two people in work.

girlsyearapart · 23/10/2012 08:06

Yes sassh that's why he is classing those days as 'doing what I want to do' as it will bring us little or no extra money in 'just' to make me happy

OP posts:

justmyview · 23/10/2012 08:11

In that case, I kind of see where he coming from, but it would worry me that he is so dismissive of your ambition / career / desire for some money of your own etc. Doesn't sound very supportive. If you would be better off long term by returning to work now before your skills and qualifications become out of date / irrelevant, then maybe that's the way to play it

justmyview · 23/10/2012 08:13

Also, not being willing to commit to things in advance would annoy me. I had a boyfriend like that. With hindsight I wish I had just booked tickets and gone out with a friend, instead of waiting for him to decide what he wanted to do

marriedinwhite · 23/10/2012 08:18

He has provided so far, your days working will make you no better off financially. He feels he needs a couple of "free" days and would manage things so you could have those days too. Have you sat down and actually talked this through properly with him. He doesn't sound all that unreasonable to me but it sounds as though you both approach life differently and have difference attitudes to behaviour and his may be because for him education wasn't necessarily positive.

I don't think going back to work is just about the money actually. I think it's also about gradually updating yourself, getting back into the swing of things, building up some service again and some pensionable service and making yourself much more employable in a few years time and making the transition back to full time work much easier. I think you need to persuade it is a good thing on that basis. It may also benefit the children because if you are up to date about what they are doing you will be reinforcing that with them at home.

Scarynuff · 23/10/2012 08:24

You have a right to work if that's what you want.

He only needs to do the school run, not watch them all day, so he could go into work after that couldn't he? Is cabbie work flexible at all?

I don't think you'll get anywhere in a reasonable discussion because he's not telling you his real reasons, just making up nonsense and you can't argue with that.

How about talking it through with a counsellor? An impartial view would soon make him realise how unreasonable he is being. And they could help you both negotiate a partnership that works and fits in everyone's needs.

If he refuses to go then you will need to have a good think about whether this is the sort of arse man you want to spend the rest of your life tied to.

linoleum · 23/10/2012 08:24

But you will be making more money even if you lose your tax credits, because you will be paying into a

linoleum · 23/10/2012 08:26

OOPS... you will be paying into a pension. He is being a controlling twat and incredibly short sighted. Plus the sooner you go back the better for your job prospects, and you may then be able to increase your hours when your DCs are all at school. This attitude that he'll get a couple of days to do what he likes, then punish you by working all weekend just makes me think he doesn't want to be responsible for any of the childcare on a committed basis, he wants to just swan around and do as he likes.

IDontDoIroning · 23/10/2012 08:30

Marriedinwhite beat me to it.
I agree that returning sooner than later p/t will hopefully get you a foot in the door, get you on some updating courses CPD etc,. This will help get your CV up to date and get in some recent experience. The longer you leave it the less up to date you will be this making it more difficult to walk into your his dream full time job.

Also it will get you pensionable service which mightn't sound much now but will make a difference in future.

I don't know what sector you are in but I'm sure you could try to get daily supply or maybe PPA cover.

MrsHoarder · 23/10/2012 08:36

Also presumably as a cabbie he's self employed? There's a real benefit to a family of a salaried income should you want a (new) mortgage or even if he has a slow month for trade because you will have the same amount coming in each month.

NichyNoo · 23/10/2012 08:51

Just tell him to fuck off. Seriously......you don't need to ask his permission to go to work.

blackeyedsusan · 23/10/2012 10:50

poorchurchmouse... just give in now...

girlsyearapart · 23/10/2012 10:51

scary yes I did suggest about the counsellor thing and he said I can pick someone eg my sister to come and discuss it with us and hear both our points of view. Seeing as she's 100% on my side I don't quite know what he's expecting..!

I have said his job is flexible so he doesn't actually need to say exactly which hours and days he works so yes on the days he does the school run he can still go to work or go to the gym or do whatever he likes.

nichy that is what I feel like too but unfortunately it doesn't get the kids looked after

OP posts:

Scarynuff · 23/10/2012 19:58

No. He wants you to ask your sister because he can control the situation.

Insist. Tell him at the very least, you are going to go to a counsellor on your own and discuss it with them. If he won't come as well, then so be it, but you are going to seek proper impartial advice.

And then do it.

In fact, counselling on your own might actually be a better idea, at least initially, because I get the feeling that this is just scratching the surface. Your dh is controlling, that much is clear, but he might also be emotionally abusive. A counsellor would be able to help you unravel it all and see more clearly why he behaves the way he does.

justmyview · 23/10/2012 19:59

I think if your sister is part of the conversation, then your DH will either (a) accept her advice if she agrees with him or else (b) disregard her as biased if she doesn't

No substitute for an independent view

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

getagoldtoof · 23/10/2012 20:10

He probably feels under a lot of pressure, with a huge amount of studying and working too. He is BU taking this frustration out on you. He is being childish, for sure you could do, is explain the long term benefits of you being in work career-wise, and also let him know that it is quite likely the tax credits system is going to be made even less supportive for families and so it cannot be relied upon in the future.

girlsyearapart · 24/10/2012 06:49

The reason he suggested my sister is because he said pick someone who is on your side- he is convinced he is right so even if someone 'on my side' will agree with him. (she won't)

I guess if you say to someone my wife has a really hard job and we don't need her to go back to work financially and I have offered to take time off work every week for her to have a break from the kids and she still wants to go and work then people may think I am being a bit weird about wanting to work..

OP posts:

Scarynuff · 24/10/2012 08:18

That's not the reason, OP. He's making you think that's the reason but the real reason is that if she agrees with you, he can dismiss it as her being 'on your side'. If an impartial, trained counsellor agrees with you, he can't can he.

if you say to someone my wife has a really hard job and we don't need her to go back to work financially and I have offered to take time off work every week for her to have a break from the kids and she still wants to go and work then people may think I am being a bit weird about wanting to work

I guarantee you they wont. Or at least not people of your own generation. Older people, housewives from the 50s may think that because that's how the were raised. The woman's place was in the home.

Now, things are different. It is your right. Even the Human Rights Act states that every person has a right to work. They key part of your statement is this "and she still wants to go and work" - it's what you want to do that matters. No what he wants you to do.

Also, why would he be saying "my wife has a really hard job" if he thinks it's just a couple of days to yourself?

You should be looking at this as an equal partnership, with both your needs being met as much as is practically possible. Why does he not want to do the school run for two days?

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.