To think that this is not my job?

[twistedknit]

My dsil has just given birth to her first dd. I spent a lot of time with her in the later stages of her pregnancy as she struggled with a house move and really needed some company. When she had the baby, her mother didn't come to visit until a day later - now I know my mum would be in the car as soon as anyone mentioned 'labour' and that's how I'd like it, but I appreciate that not everyone is the same. As a result, I was on high alert throughout the labour in case they needed anything (my bil's mother is no longer with us).

They are now home and adjusting to being first-time parents, sil's parents are staying locally so they can 'help out', but I see very little evidence of helping. I am going round with ready-prepared meals for them, washing up, doing bits of shopping and checking they don't need anything, while granny seems mainly concerned with spending as much time as possible holding her dgd, commenting on the furnishings and instructing grandad to spend sil's money on things they don't need! They rush off to 'have dinner' at 4pm every day and leave the new parents wondering what to eat themselves.

I love being there for them, and would like to think that they would do the same for me, but I know that my mum would be falling over herself to feed and generally look after us, so there would be no need to. As my dh said, 'why does no-one else realise that this is 'helping out?!'. I figure that until the grandparents go home, I should be feeling pretty much redundant.

AIBU to think that grandparents should help out in practical ways after a birth? I am working p/t at the moment, but if I were f/t they would be exhausted and living off soup until they get used to their new schedule!

(on the plus side - at least I know I will get to see lots of my new niece! )

[squeakytoy]

"but on nights when I haven't gone round they have ended up getting takeaway, sil was super careful about her diet when pg, so I know it wouldn't be her first choice"

sorry, but you do sound a bit over-bearing and interfering.. did she actually tell you that she didnt want a takeaway???

[Inneedofbrandy]

My DM filled my fridge and freezer and cupboards with easy to cook and eat food, cakes, broiches, fruit, milk tea and coffee. They also helped with washing up, hoovering while I was asleep and general tidying. I had friends and family visting for at least a fortnight after both times to. Would feel it's strange not to help. Whatever people on this thread say childbirth is not easy and to just get over especially with a baby waking every couple of hours after. OP you sound lovely.

[WorraLiberty]

OP why do you keep avoiding the question about why the Dad isn't cooking?

[tara0202]

Oh.and yanbu,.its the new parents job to be doing these things.

[tara0202]

Oh and yanbu, it's the new parents job to be doing these things.

[BonaDea]

I think you sound lovely and supportive... but I don't really think the parents are doing anything wrong unless your BIL and SIL are obviously struggling / asking for help they are not getting.

I would HATE it if my mum or DH's mum descended on us and started fussing round. I really like my home and my own space and although i fully expect her to visit it would be more stressful to me if she was suddenly taking over my house / kitchen / life.

Each to their own I guess.

[monkeysbignuts]

twistedknit I want to adopt you lol.
if your happy helping them out then good for you, I personally don't think you are over the top just very caring and can see what needs doing.

[cestlavielife]

nothing wrong with living off soup of they want to.
it is up to them really.

presumably your BIl can get on internet and do online shopping?

how did they manage to look after themselves before baby?

it is very nice of you but you need to let them get on with it unless both are disabled .

[pointybird]

Inneedofbrandy Hoovering while you were asleep?

[FuckityFuckFuck]

Wow, you are doing so much!

You say that the new father is not the most capable, well, he needs to learn how to be capable and quickly!

[twistedknit]

Mooq; I didn't sit on the phone to them! lol!

I am very much looking at this from my point of view, but would like to know myself that if it was a long labour and my Mum wasn't there, that if I needed lunch dropping in, clean clothes etc, someone would at least be there and my dh wouldn't have to leave me.

Oh. Am slowly realising that I am a feeder!!!

Wow slopes off to make a lasagne

Thanks for the input - Think I am going to ease off a bit, and not use my family as a benchmark for normal behaviour.

[MadBanners]

They are just going to become reliant on you!

Why are you doing all this?, I never expected anyone to be doing this for me and dh when we had children. I expected ppl to come round, coo over baby, while dh made us all a lovely cuppa, and then quite frankly to piss off and leave us alone.

Life goes on even when adjusting to having a new baby, so why they are left "wondering" what to have for dinner at 4pm is beyond me, I am sure they managed before they can manage now.

Have they asked you to do this, or have you just taken it upon yourself as you think someone should be? it would have driven me mad tbh.

[eurochick]

You sounds well-meaning but would drive me crazy! I would much prefer to be left to get on with it, with people visiting from time to time.

The grandparents probably "rush off to have dinner at 4pm every day" to give the new parents a bit of space...

[Inneedofbrandy]

pointybird Yes, your point?

[notanaxemurderer]

I think it's nice of you to be concerned but I would just let them get on with it.

Mine and DP's parents both live overseas and came to visit a few weeks after DD was born. We managed perfectly on our own and really enjoyed the first few weeks, despite neither of us having ever so much as held a baby before DD. I'm sure this couple will be fine.

[amothersplaceisinthewrong]

Blimey

Why can't these two manage without all this help? When mine were born I had no help either time as both sets of grandparents worked full time - mine were teachers, therefore could not even take holiday. My DH took about three days off and then went back to work as we were broke and he was a contractor at the time and I just got on with it - managed to shop, cook and clean and put make up on!

[pointybird]

Inneedofbrandy If I was trying to sleep I wouldn't really want anyone hoovering

[elliejjtiny]

You sound like a great sil. I'm a bit jealous though, PIL's brought round a chinese takeaway the day after dc's were born but other than that I can count the number of meals made for me on one hand with all 3 dc's. My mum didn't come round for a few days each time. My DN is over a week old and I haven't been to visit yet, I thought that was all fairly normal.

[WelshMaenad]

You sound like a poppet. I'd have loved some home cooked meals when the babies were new. DH can do meals with mince, that's about it. Gets tedious!

Not everyone is helpful. My IL's, for example, are about as much use as a chocolate teapot, and had me waiting on them hand foot and finger 13 days post c section with DC2 and wanting to go on days out all over the shop.

I tend to go into Jewish mother mode when someone's having a tough time and turn up with meals and cakes and whatnot, it's never occurred to me that people would mind. How odd.

[MordecaiAndTheRigbys]

No offense op but even I felt smothered just reading your post. I am disabled and had a section and had to fend for myself because dp had to go back to work. It happens, people cope. Leave them be will you, you are not their mother. Let them contact you if they need help..

[Inneedofbrandy]

pointybird The hoover wasn't on in my bedroom. Maybe you are a light sleeper unlike me. People are allowed to be different

[Startailoforangeandgold]

Sisters helping, GPs helping, why??

Mine live to far away, DHs live even further away.

Her baby, her problem.

[panicnotanymore]

I think you are being very kind, but perhaps a little misguided. They need some space - private couple time. Sometimes people want to drop the front and just have a good sob after birth. I'd be screaming inside if a relatives kept turning up and taking over.

You are lovely btw, but you've done your bit now.

[pointybird]

You do sound lovely OP, and I'll have that lasagne if they don't want it

[porcamiseria]

"They rush off to 'have dinner' at 4pm every day and leave the new parents wondering what to eat themselves.


hahah! erm you can still cook after having a baby you know!