To think that this is not my job?

[twistedknit]

My dsil has just given birth to her first dd. I spent a lot of time with her in the later stages of her pregnancy as she struggled with a house move and really needed some company. When she had the baby, her mother didn't come to visit until a day later - now I know my mum would be in the car as soon as anyone mentioned 'labour' and that's how I'd like it, but I appreciate that not everyone is the same. As a result, I was on high alert throughout the labour in case they needed anything (my bil's mother is no longer with us).

They are now home and adjusting to being first-time parents, sil's parents are staying locally so they can 'help out', but I see very little evidence of helping. I am going round with ready-prepared meals for them, washing up, doing bits of shopping and checking they don't need anything, while granny seems mainly concerned with spending as much time as possible holding her dgd, commenting on the furnishings and instructing grandad to spend sil's money on things they don't need! They rush off to 'have dinner' at 4pm every day and leave the new parents wondering what to eat themselves.

I love being there for them, and would like to think that they would do the same for me, but I know that my mum would be falling over herself to feed and generally look after us, so there would be no need to. As my dh said, 'why does no-one else realise that this is 'helping out?!'. I figure that until the grandparents go home, I should be feeling pretty much redundant.

AIBU to think that grandparents should help out in practical ways after a birth? I am working p/t at the moment, but if I were f/t they would be exhausted and living off soup until they get used to their new schedule!

(on the plus side - at least I know I will get to see lots of my new niece! )

[expatinscotland]

'I am very much looking at this from my point of view, but would like to know myself that if it was a long labour and my Mum wasn't there, that if I needed lunch dropping in, clean clothes etc, someone would at least be there and my dh wouldn't have to leave me.'

Why on Earth do you need someone to do this for you and what's wrong with your spouse leaving you for a wee while?

Fill the freezer with a bunch of frozen stuff. Bung in oven. Job done. Needing lunch dropped in? You can still make a sandwich after having a baby.

Tell DH to put the washing on.

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

OP you sound lovely.

I had a horrendous birth, could hardly walk when I came home, DH was great but we were both shell shocked and sleep deprived. DD wouldn't feed and we ended up having to take her back into hospital because she was losing weight.

Some friends and neighbours dropped casseroles in, took the dog out for walks, brought milk and bread with them just in case when they visited.

We weren't incapable or lazy, just a bit overwhelmed. These little acts of kindness were so much appreciated. Some people on this thread seem to think your SIL and BIL are taking the piss, or are deficient in some way which is weird. I guess that's just the nature of AIBU.

I especially like the 'her baby, her problem' comment.

[blisterpack]

Everyone's normal is different OP. What you say is what is normal and expected in my family and culture too. A friend of mine said that her mother visited her newborn in hospital and then went home leaving her and her husband to muddle through with looking after the baby but that sounded unthinkably formal and unfamily-like to me. Like a visit from a work colleague or something.

I think though that the reason the GPs don't do much is because you're already doing it for them!

[expatinscotland]

'My IL's, for example, are about as much use as a chocolate teapot, and had me waiting on them hand foot and finger 13 days post c section with DC2 and wanting to go on days out all over the shop.'

Why did you do it? I'd have parked my arse on the sofa and pointed them in the direction of the kitchen.

My ILs are similar.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Ah, you are buying credit for when you have your baby.

[Sidge]

You sound very kind and helpful but I think the time comes to back off and leave them to it a little bit.

The only way they'll find their feet as new parents is to get on with it.

I expect your SIL will appreciate you more when her husband goes back to work - that's when she'll need you most!

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

I think taking one meal or something for the first day or two home is one thing, but you do sound a bit over involved.

However her baby, her problem from Startail up there is very mean spirited

[RubyFakeNails]

Ha Welsh has described my mother perfectly.

My Jewish mother, as I said did everything for me when my dc were born, including turning up with our family's ambrosia of pie, mash and liquor and I loved it! She put DH and my Dad to work on certain things that needed doing, did some night feeds, cooked, cleaned, took older dc out, basically waited on me hand and foot.

But I do recognise that its not for everyone. Don't think OP should feel bad for helping out, just accept that not everyone feels the same way as her which is fine.

[twistedknit]

Send some pie my way! Any variety is good...

Mmmm, I love pie...

[WelshMaenad]

I'll make you a casserole twisted! Or maybe a beef pie. At least six people this year so far who gave had a crisis have been in receipt of a beef pie. Broken wrist in bike accident? Pie. Bereavement? Pie. I'll? Have a pie. Husband having chemo? Have a pie AND some cake.

Pie rocks.

[CailinDana]

Desperately, the only people who can't cook are those who are too lazy to do so. Cooking doesn't have to go any further than sticking on some oven chips and frying some fish fingers. It's not rocket science and any capable adult who claims not to be able to cook is a bit of a joke IMO.

[WelshMaenad]

BonaDea I KNOW. He makes a cracking shepherd's pie, chilli or spag Bol. Give the man a chicken breast and he has a meltdown. He reckons the boys in his student house just lived on mince due to cheapness!

[twistedknit]

Mooq - He can cook a basic meal - I was just under the impression that with a newborn and hardly any sleep, it would be nice to be looked after for the first few days. Apparently I was wrong.

I was simply doing to others as I would like others to do to me blah blah as I know my family would rally round to let us bond with the baby... Everyone's family is different.

The OP was not about the Dad's cooking ability - but about whether IWBU about gps not helping out. Turns out, I was possibly being a bit unreasonable, but it was with all good intentions.

Still hope for a meals on wheels service when I have my first in a few months time...

[CailinDana]

When my parents came over from Ireland after DS was born, they stayed in a hotel and just visited every day. We cooked them dinner, they helped around the place a little bit but the main thing they did was hold DS and buy stuff we needed. They sound much like your SIL's parents, and the level of help they gave was just perfect - not too much and not too little. I wouldn't have felt right to have them hoovering or doing a wash, it's my house and I don't want other people interfering. I appreciate I'm territorial on this though!

As long as you don't have a difficult birth, having a baby doesn't render you incapable - we were all in Nandos having a lovely meal when DS was about 5 days old. Plus DH was perfectly able to tidy and cook while I chatted to my parents, had a bath or fed DS. It would have annoyed me to have someone dropping around food every evening to be honest, as I don't like not being able to choose what I eat.

[GoSakuramachi]

They can't put a piece of battered fish and some oven chips on a tray in the oven? My five year old can do that!
Everyone can "cook" well enough to rustle up something

[BonaDea]

Welsh - what is it with men and their mince?!

[Mooq]

They're in charge of a baby and they can't cook a basic meal? I doubt it, somehow.

[DesperatelySeekingPomBears]

FGS does it really matter why her BIL can't cook? Some people just can't, you know. No, not even with the assistance of cookery books.

[Mooq]

OP, for the umpteenth time - why is the DH so incapable? Why can't he cook a basic meal?

[Mollydoggerson]

I went to the ocal supermarket with ds2 when he was four days old.

There is aso onine shopping, I think they will be able to manage.

I think you abu and a little overly dramatic.

[Ephiny]

It's a reasonable point that if they're there all day anyway, they could offer to help, but you seemed to be saying they were wrong to go home at 4pm and should be staying for the evening as well?

It won't do them any harm to have a takeaway occasionally, and surely your BIL can cook/heat up something simple?

[twistedknit]

WelshMaenad Never occurred to me either! Today has been an eye opener for both of us!

like Inneedofbrandy said -

People are allowed to be different

[porcamiseria]

"They rush off to 'have dinner' at 4pm every day and leave the new parents wondering what to eat themselves.


hahah! erm you can still cook after having a baby you know!

[pointybird]

You do sound lovely OP, and I'll have that lasagne if they don't want it

[panicnotanymore]

I think you are being very kind, but perhaps a little misguided. They need some space - private couple time. Sometimes people want to drop the front and just have a good sob after birth. I'd be screaming inside if a relatives kept turning up and taking over.

You are lovely btw, but you've done your bit now.