To think that specifying a childs present that costs £14 is too much?

[KatyS36]

HI all,

I am part of a small group of school friends that still exchange birthday and Chrismas gifts. When we started having children we included them too (total now 8). So far so good.

One of the girls now has 4 DC. I dropped her a text asking what one of her children would like for his birthday, looking for general ideas. We all live significant distances apart now so don't see each other than often, especially now we have children. I generally quite like asking for ideas as I like buying a present a child will like.

She has specified an exact item, brand and design, which costs £14. My typical spend for a childs present, excluding immediate family, is £10. I really resent being asked to spend this much, particularly as she has 4 children who I buy gifts for. I know they are reasonably tight for money, so its not like this to her is a cheap gift. My DD tends to get quite cheap presents from her, so its not like she is an 'always buy an expensive gift' person.

We are comfortably off, although since having DD and working part time there is never any money left in my account at the end of the month. If this continues for each child, and she has a tendeny to do this, its a yearly spend of £56 just on her DCs birthday presents - let alone her birthday or Christmas presents!

So AIBU to resent being asked to spend this much? What started as a gift for one friend has now spiralled not only into gifts for 5 but reasonaly expensive gifts for 5.

Thanks

Katy

[LittlePandaBear]

Maybe you could knock the extra £4 off the family Xmas present so that you're not spending more overall?

I bet if you told us what the item is, we could find it on a website with an offer code so you could find it cheaper .

[LittlePandaBear]

sorry for the double post!

[Floggingmolly]

If she has more children than any of you, then yes she is being cheeky.
If I was in her position, I would actually make my gifts to the rest of you larger; mindful of how much more overall my family was costing the others.

[OhTheConfusion]

I asked the same question to a friend last christmas... her reply, 'DD would love X backpack from cath kidson and it would be cute if you got her DSis one too! Oh and just a bottle of fizz for DH and I' Both bags would have came to £40 (25+15) alone.

We exchanged gifts on Dec 23rd and her DD's opened their gifts straight away, friend announced oh I thought you were getting bags?!?... we gave them pj's and a book for each of the girls and a gingerbread house, bottle of wine and candle for everyone (around £50 in total)

We got... asda value star biscuits re-packaged and tied with ribbon, DS(9) got a sticker book, DD(7) got a fairy wand and Dbaby got a bib.

I realise we have 3 dc's and they only have 2dc's but to ask for an expensive gift and give a cheap piece of poudland tat is just rude!

[dysfunctionalme]

I don't think you should feel resentful when she only answered your question. Just buy something cheaper! She is hardly going to complain.

I ask parents too but only buy what I can afford.

[dysfunctionalme]

OhTheConfusion - presumably you are not still friends with those people!

[BlueSkySinking]

Work out how much you want to spend on the family. Divide it by 4 and there you have your answer. Spend that amount on a voucher for the little girl - it can be a contribution towards the named gift.

[BlueSkySinking]

If I am asked what my kids would like, i will name the book/toy etc. But Iwill ask what the budget is. Maybe you could state your budget next time?

[MidniteScribbler]

We had this issue with a group of friends. It was getting silly. So we discussed it and what we do now is one family day out per year (theme park, zoo or a show type of thing). Everyone pays for themselves and their own DC. We call it the birthday present to everyone, but ultimately it's just a day out together. Saves me a fortune too because I have one DC and the others all have 3, 4 or 5!

[Sirzy]

If it is £14 then I bet there will be vouchers or other discounts around that bring the price to around £10 before Christmas anyway

[Leena49]

I think you have made a rod for your own back as the saying goes. Silly practice to start. Silly to ask specifically what she wanted and then be upset it doesn't match your price range. It's now causing resentment because it was not thought through.

[ErikNorseman]

She's not unreasonable to ask for something costing £4 over what you normally spend. I would never answer a question like that with a specific thing because I wouldn't like to presume on a budget- but she already has an idea of yours.
Look, I do buy presents for friends' DCs but I'll be honest and say I'll spend £10 on the only dd of one friend but only £2 each on the 7 DCs and sdcs of another friend. That's just how it happens. Maybe you need to set a budget for the whole thing and work round that.

Mcphee, a few years ago I emailed my adult friends and just laid it on the line (it was when DS was tiny and I was on mat leave) and just said I could only do DCs presents from now on and didn't expect any for me from them. Nobody took it badly, I think we'd all rather spend money on the DCs anyway!

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Wow, OhThe, that is monumentally cheeky.

[gettingeasier]

I have initiated a couple of shall we stop this swapping presents thing, its awkward for about 3 seconds and then you arent lumbered with it any longer !

[captainmummy]

God - I dont buy presents for anyone other than my DP, DC, and my mum. My dsis 's dc get £10 each on birthdays, that's it.

That's plenty, believe me.

[OhTheConfusion]

DYS, funnily enough no but it was after quite a few other things too.

Lantern, that really is taking the !

[scootle]

I think it is hard to give people suggestions sometimes. I asked SIL for something that was actually £30 - she just said 'I didn't get xx because it was £30; I got xx instead'. That was fine of course - she knows I would not have expected her to spend £30.

So do the voucher, which is a lovely gift. And sometime after why don't you suggest that you stop doing gifts for kids because it is getting too pricey. I did this with another friend from school - it was fine.

[DeWe]

I would go one of two ways.

1. Text back saying "that's a little over what I expect to pay, is there anything else or can I put money towards it"
   
2. See if there's someone else in your group that wants to buy it with you 50/50 on price.
   

She may not have been thinking about cost at that point, just that their dc would love it.

[PiedWagtail]

Agree with deWe above - good ideas! Am a bit at your friend - that is v cheeky!! YANBU!

[mrsscoob]

Maybe she has seen it elsewhere cheaper.

[LittleprincessinGOLDrocks]

I stopped gifts between my DC and my sisters DC, as every year she stippulated what we bought for her DC. They were always expensive and very specific items. Yet she bought as cheaply as possible. She had a heck of a lot more disposable income, and claimed she spent the same as we had, but she bought lots of little bits which broke easily. I sucked it up because DD is greatful for every thing she is given.
The year that really got to me was when she rang me in October to say she had bought the gift her DD wanted from me and I owed her £20!! I said right well DD really wants a Magna doodle type toy. (I had seen the ELC version at £15, Argos had similar for £19 etc, this was the only time I asked for a specific toy!)

Christmas day comes and DN was happy with her gift (though a bit disappointing as she knew what it was). DD opened hers and was thrilled, but it was a cheap version that broke on Boxing day! So I replaced it with the ELC one and suggested we stop exchanging gifts!

My lovely SIL and I stopped exchanging when I said we were struggling after DH and I lost our jobs. She said lets just do birthdays from now on. So we do, and it is perfect for all concerned!