To ask how many of you went back to work full time?to

[voscar]

After having your DC and how you feel about the things you've missed with your DC as a result or sacrifices you've had to make?

I am pregnant with our first child at 31 and my partner is 40. We are very fortunate that we can afford for me to go part time after the birth of our baby. I know this isn't an option for everyone so I'm very appreciate of this. We've planned around me being the primary care giver for our baby and DH working full time.

However I'm in quite a niche job in the city and my employers have offered me a significant raise to come back to work full time. Which would mean DH being the one to go part time and essentially switch our roles at home as we are really keen that at least one of us is at home with the baby as much as is reasonably possible. The extra money could mean little change in our financial circumstances whilst also freeing up DH to look after the baby - we'd be able to provide better for him/her.

Am I being unreasonable to consider this? Would I be making too big a sacrifice? I know lots of parents both work full time (mine did) and I know we are lucky to have this option. I guess I'm asking has anyone else been in this position and how did they/ do they feel as a woman being the primary earner at the expense of being at home as much as you'd like?

P.s this is my first time in AIBU and I'm a little bit nervous!

[herethereandeverywhere]

I did it for 6 months then basically had a breakdown . I was getting home to do the bedtime routine sometimes (nursery pickup by 6.30pm) but it was the pressure of juggling a demanding job which has demands over and above 9-5 primarily, rather than the "missing out" element that did it for me. My employers were very good and arranged for me to go 4 days a week but even that was super demanding (I'm on mat. leave at the moment).

It also made the weekends very difficult because I felt DH and I should be devoting all our time to DD and life just doesn't let you do that with all the other things you need to do (shopping, tidying, paperwork, seeing friends, seeing relatives).

That said, I'd still consider full time if the hours were set 9-5 so I could guarantee doing nursery drop off and pick up everyday.

[Emsmaman]

I would say wait and see, presumably they can't make you commit to a decision before you even have the child. You don't know yet how strong the pull of your baby is going to be/how much fun they are/how crazy they drive you I nearly took a great full time job offer when DD was 5 months old and DH convinced me not to and said I would regret it. I'm really glad I didn't as at 6 mo DD started crawling and generally became more interactive and fun. Now she is 11 mo I've started looking for part time and I feel she is much more ready to spend some time apart from me.

[chocolatehobnobs]

I had the same dilemma (professional, long hours, job that I have trained many years to do, up to an hours commuting each way).My baby is now nearly 4 months old. I am loving being a mum and have realised that the bond we have is so special . He is comforted by me when dad or granny fail. I will go back to work full time after a year off but I will be out from 7 15 am to 6 15pm during the week. At least I will have an hour with him each night . I think getting home at 8 pm you would not see your baby during the week and would really miss out. In an ideal world I would work 4 days a week. If you have a pt option take it. Good luck

[waterrat]

I think you should have faith that the full time option would be there again if you change your mind - but choose part time return for now. You aren't giving up your job, those are very long days and as others say you will barely see your child. Life is long - we are all going to work till our 70's nowadays! You are 31, you have got so many years of work ahead of you, you can go back to full time if you want to further down the line - you will never get back the time with your child. It's not a case of work or SAHM is it? You are getting the chance to do both - we all need work life balance and I think that to only see your child at weekends and hardly in the week, when you could afford to spend time at home, is a mistake that you could really regret making.

Enjoy life, enjoy the freedom of the day or two off a week - try to relax and see it as a way of living for a couple of years and you can change later on if you want.

[SarahBumBarer]

Voscar I work for BIG 4 and returned to work full time after having DS1. My Dh changed his job and now works 3 days a week so is the primary carer for DS1 (and DC2 when he/she arrives later this summer). DS1 attends nursery 2 days a week. Initially he attended 3 or 4 but when DH changed his job we were able to reduce this to 2. We could have reduced it further (ie DH could have worked just 2 days) but we genuinely felt that DS enjoyed nursery and benefitted from it and him attending 2 days per week was a genuine choice which we felt good about.

My job is project based (corporate finance related). I try to take Wednesdays off projects permitting and in theory it is accepted that I take holiday every Wednsesday. The reality is that this works about 50% of the year - I do manage to get a half day most Wednesdays to spend with DS/DH. I thought about actually going part time but I don't think that either my work or me would respect the boundary - if a project is on then it needs doing and both work and me would expect that I would do it. At least this way, I get paid for it. To me working part time would just mean part time money with no guarantee of part time hours.

How would your job actually work in practice as a part time job? It strikes me that part of the legal benefit to women on maternity leave is the fact that you do not have to make any decision about whether to return to work until after your materity leave. It is very important that you take this time to assess how being a mother has changed you and your priorities - you honestly will have no idea how you will feel until after the child is born and how you will feel once you have been at home for several months as a SAHM. It is for some people it is not for everyone. The fact that you feel such an obligation to your firm to make a decision now about whether to return to work full or part time etc when doing so is entirely for their benefit not yours suggests to me that, like me, you perhaps struggle not to allow work to cross work/life boundaries and encroach upon your rights and time. Does that ring true?

My job is reasonably flexible when we are not in the thick of a project (of course emerging from recession helps with this occassionally being the case). At such times I can finish early, I can easily take an extra day/half day off (there is no presenteeism), I can work for home so as to eliminate the commute on a number of days. They also respect the fact that due to DH's job I am utterly inflexible on Thursday nights when I have to leave on time (I may have to log in again from home after DS is in bed but I do always get to leave when I need to - part of that is undoubtedly my attitude in that I know I have to make this happen - I don't seem to be able to bring that attitude to Wednesdays because I know DH is flexible and so I subconsciously let work encroach.... How is your job in this respect?

I find that our situation mostly works well. Wednesdays can sometimes be a source of frustration to DH. He is a very good SAHD, very organised (he is not like this in other aspects of his life). DH and DS go swimming together one day a week, soccatots one day a week etc because DH finds he does better at the SAH thing with some structure to his day and could not bear doing playgroupy/sing alog type things. They are almost always out and about doing stuff whenever I call. We also meet up for lunch at least once a week and Sundays are sacred family days. DH works Saturday DS and I have a day just for us which I think actually works too. As I say, for the most part it works well. Some weeks on a Friday I am depserate to get home, some weeks on a Sunday, I am desperate to get back to work Usually DS is confident sunny and wonderful, very occassionally he is a bit clingy or worse resentful, if for example I have worked late two nights in a row so he has literally not seen me all day the day before. This however seemed to be a phase and I think we have passed that now and he just seems happy and content.

Sorry for the length!

[Darleneconnor]

Don't you have to recruit and train someone to cover your mat leave anyway? There is a big difference between going back ft after 6 weeks and after 12 months. If you go back you always have the option of cutting back later but once you're on the 'mommie track' that's your career over ( in that field anyway). Do you intend to have anymore DCs? Ft with 1 is a lot more doable than with 2/3/4.
Also your DP has to be totally on board with the sahp role. There are lots of examples on mn of ft working mums doing a whole second shift once they get home- that will burn you out.

[waterrat]

I really disagree with Darlene - choosing to return part time does not mean you are on the 'mommie track'! and to say your career is over in that field, in your early thirties, because you choose part time work is ridiculous.

I have many friends who have worked part time then their careers have returned to full time hours after a few years - or they have felt that they love working part time - 5 days a week has always seemed to me a crazy way to divide work and play! You could have a brilliant career and work part time....

[BsshBossh]

If returning to work FT (including the long commute) doesn't work out for you then how easy would it be to go PT (realistically)? Would you in reality end up doing FT hours for PT wages? Also, would your DP be able to return to his career should he be required to (or want to)?

[HoneyandHaycorns]

You could have a brilliant career and work part time....

I'm all in favour of a good work-life balance, but I think it's only realistic to accept that PT working will limit or damage your career in many sectors. Where I work, it is almost impossible to return to FT working after going PT, and progression opportunities are very limited for PT staff. And this is with a fairly enlightened management which generally supports flexible working arrangements.

That's not to say that people shouldn't go PT if they want to - many do, and never look back because they love the better work-life balance. But I think it's realistic to acknowledge that there is a trade-off for many people.

[jellybeans]

I worked f/t with DD1 and she was in fulltime nursery. I gave up as hated it, she never settled and I felt I missed so much. I quit after DD2 was born and went part time and later a SAHM (DH changed jobs and then we could afford it). Since SAH with my other 4 DC, I have seen what I was missing with all that stress and little time etc. I can also see throuh things more and less materialistic. Although I had to work to pay the bills, I was focused on saving for new car, bigger house, holidays etc but now it doesn't bother me as I realised I can be happy at home with DC. I do study part time (16 hrs) and volunteer and I think part time is a good balance of you have a choice.

[Proudnscary]

I returned to work part time for first few months (3/4 days) after both kids BUT have worked FT since dd was two and ds was four.

I don't remember ever missing any Big Moments. I have never missed an assembly or a parent's afternoon or a school play because I work bloody hard (and also I am the MD of company so no-one questions!!) Our family 'works' extremely well. Dh is SAHD though also runs his own business from home which obviously helps enormously, plus I only have a 30 min commute.

One thing to remember - negotiate any terms that are deal breakers right from the off. My deal breaker with my CEO was I take the kids to school every day. I wanted more holiday but that wasn't approved, so I negotiated working from home twice a month. Which I don't always do but it's nice to have that flexibility.

And yes *honeyandhaycorn's I totally agree, it's no point pretending otherwise.

[waterrat]

there may be a pay off, but I do think people - men and women - can achieve interesting and fulfilling careers without working five days a week. Lots of people do it without children, it's not just a mother issue - I think this should be something everybody considers - I am pregnant with my first, but I have worked part time for about five years and have done so many exciting projects...yes, I probably won't be made a 'manager' - but there are many interesting ways to work without some of the traditional roles that require being on call 24/7....

eg. my dad did a deal with his company so that he gets four months off a year - he says that way they can't encroach on his time as they would if he worked three days a week.

funnily enough as I'm typing this, a man has come on the radio saying that we ALL (not just parents) work far too hard and put in far too many hours - and that we should all cut hours, and perhaps would become more productive...make individual trade offs to a life that suits you...

[GetOrfMoiiLand]

I agree with honey - yes in some careers going PT would have a limited impact on a career, but in lots of fields there is a 'mummy track' where part timers sacrficie their career progression, or at least stall it for a long while. It is quite blinkered to deny that that happens.

[HoneyandHaycorns]

FWIW, there are trade-offs to be made even for those of us who do work FT. I have worked FT throughout my career and am now in a fairly senior position. However, I do not work lots of overtime and I do take time off for school functions etc. I can cope with my current role, but I know that if I moved up to the level at which my boss currently sits, I would have to work much longer hours and sacrifice a lot of my current flexibility. I am not willing to do that right now, so will remain where I am for the time being.

[timetoask]

You'll never get those previous first years with your child, but if you go part time you will still have the option in future to progress on your career.

[NowThenWreck]

Desmond Morris says:
Every baby needs a mother. But that doesn't neccessarily have to be a woman..

If your partner is willing to do the main carer role, and you want to keep your career, then i say-try it!
I think you are very lucky to have the option, and I agree that actually babies need you personally less than older children.
It all depends how you feel about it I suppose, because as long as your DH does what he has said he will, your baby won't suffer.

[Cherriesarelovely]

I literally couldn't imagine anything worse OP. It's not as if you would be working around the corner and doing short hours. That is one demanding job. Yes, of course you will miss out on seeing your baby and being involved in his/her growing up, I'm not saying that in a guilt inducing way just stating a fact, you cannot be in 2 places at once.

I know that some people have to do this (I was a single parent when I had DD and went back to work 3 days a week when she was 6 mths old) and indeed I love my job, really enjoy seeing my colleagues and now, 9 years later am really happy that I "kept my hand in". However, I could not bear the thought that I might have missed out on those early years entirely. Especially as she turned out to be my only one.

I am not judging at all, I know a couple of women who have gone back full time and some are fine with it and some find it very difficult so it really is entirely up to you. As some have said before me, it is really hard for you to comit to doing this before you have had the baby though. What a very difficult decision. I hope it all goes well for you.

[MainlyMaynie]

It's a totally personal decision. I changed my mind about my plans after DS was born. A big factor for me would be whether you would get to see your DC at all during the week with those hours. My DS is v happy sleeping approx 9.30 to 9.30, so would the later sleeping pattern work with your husband's part-time hours?

[desperatenotstupid]

I think it really depends on how you look at it.

Firstly, your child isn't going to suffer in any way if you go back to full time work, you also say your DH will go part-time so thats brilliant.

BUT you WILL miss out on things, thats inevitable, and for some a sacrafice that has to be made, or is weighed up and they feel the benefits outweigh the sacrifice, and lets be clear, the sacrifice is yours, not your childs.

I would however, in your position be very wary of not going back to work as you sound quite specialised, i didn't go back to work, for several reasons, partly because i had just finished my PhD so didnt have a job to go back to. I found that once i was at home with DD i didn't feel i could then go back to work until she started school, I deeply regret this as I am now, two years into her being at school, unable to find a job because my stupidly specialised field has moved on and im over qualified and under experienced for anything is.

I would say that if your company are willing to have you back part time then fine, but if they only want you full time you have some serious weighing up to do.

I hope it all works out xxx

[chandellina]

I would accept the full time job and reassess once you have baby.

[bigkidsdidit]

we do a version of this - DH works 4 days and I do four shorter and one long. However, I am full time, just lots of evening work - I roughly do 45 hours a week.

The key I think is the commute. On my shorter days I work 8.15-3.45 with no lunch break and DS is at the CM 8-4 and we're in the house together at 4.05 (then I can pick up work 7-9.30 ish when he's asleep). Having a long commute would make that impossible, obviously. In fact we chose our house because it was near the amazing CM! (we rent).

Working from home one day a week also makes things amazingly easier to cope with - having lunch with DS then back off to work can be lovely.

I think as long as they have consistent, loving care it doesn't need to be you - DH loves his daddy day (lots of structured activities that aren't too 'mummy' e.g. tumbletots, as another poster said). It works really well for us. Ideally we'd do four each and three days with teh CM but I got turned down for compressed hours and we need the money. WOrked out well though!

[desperatenotstupid]

I am just wondering though at people warning about the "mommie track" does that mean that the DH will be on the "daddy track" and face the same issues if he goes back part-time? Genuine question, one i suspect i may not like the answers too :(

OP - you do what is right for you, oh and congratulations xxx

[HoneyandHaycorns]

I am just wondering though at people warning about the "mommie track" does that mean that the DH will be on the "daddy track" and face the same issues if he goes back part-time? Genuine question, one i suspect i may not like the answers too

Actually, this is exactly what has happened to my DH. :(

[bigkidsdidit]

Oh - and I have missed big moments, but not because of work. I missed him crawling when I was making a cup of tea and his first word I was in the loo . At least I saw the first steps!

[voscar]

Thank you everyone for taking time out to respond. I really appreciate you sharing your own situations with me.

On reflection, with the help of reading other people thoughts My DH and i have decided I'm not going to go back full time. I'm hoping that being part time I get the best of both worlds and can be as hands on at home as possible without completely giving up my career.

Going full time would be an option later on but I'm not convinced at this stage I could cope with the long days away from the baby 5 days a week.

Thanks again. It's really helped.