To ask how many of you went back to work full time?to

[voscar]

After having your DC and how you feel about the things you've missed with your DC as a result or sacrifices you've had to make?

I am pregnant with our first child at 31 and my partner is 40. We are very fortunate that we can afford for me to go part time after the birth of our baby. I know this isn't an option for everyone so I'm very appreciate of this. We've planned around me being the primary care giver for our baby and DH working full time.

However I'm in quite a niche job in the city and my employers have offered me a significant raise to come back to work full time. Which would mean DH being the one to go part time and essentially switch our roles at home as we are really keen that at least one of us is at home with the baby as much as is reasonably possible. The extra money could mean little change in our financial circumstances whilst also freeing up DH to look after the baby - we'd be able to provide better for him/her.

Am I being unreasonable to consider this? Would I be making too big a sacrifice? I know lots of parents both work full time (mine did) and I know we are lucky to have this option. I guess I'm asking has anyone else been in this position and how did they/ do they feel as a woman being the primary earner at the expense of being at home as much as you'd like?

P.s this is my first time in AIBU and I'm a little bit nervous!

[Peppapigsarse]

Meant to say I work in the eve but I leave work on time or finish on time at home, when kids in bed start working again...... It works for us for now.....

[BackforGood]

Depends on how you feel about work, and about how your dh feels about being PT at work and PT stay at home parent - there is no 'right' and 'wrong'
I also think what you are talking about as FT (being out of the house 7.30am - 8pm+) is actually a lot longer out of the house than a lot of people would consider FT.
I went back FT after dc1, and was working 60 hours a week, but as a teacher, I was able to drop dc at CMs at 8 and collect at 5 and do a lot of that work in the evenings - so I still got him up and put him to bed and saw him twice and spent time with him twice in each day. I was also lucky enough to have considerably more holiday days than most FT workers.

At one point when dh looked like he was going to be out of work (in his field it's all temp contracts) we talked about the idea of him looking after the dcs and me going back to FT (I went PT after 2nd dc) and he just felt he couldn't do it - it wasn't for him - so he said he'd rather get any job, than do that. Fine - his choice, just as I had the choice over my career.

I love my job, but feel the best balance (for me) is PT work. The right combination of 'being Mum' and 'being a professional'. But, different strokes for different folks.

[SydSaid]

I worked full time when the kids were small. I didn't think I was missing anything then, but now they are teenage I really wish I'd been around more. I didn't really have much options (as their dad was a waste of space as far as earning goes) but if I could turn back the clock that is the one thing I would change. Part time rather than full time, definitely.

[breatheslowly]

My DD sleeps from 7pm to 7.30am (and is 18 months old). If your child does the same then you would not see them during the week. I don't know to what extent children can be trained to sleep less at night and more during the day, but for our DD we can't get her to sleep for more than an hour during the day and she therefore is exhausted at 7pm so we couldn't get her to stay up to 8pm. And there is no way I would wake her up early, as I am not a morning person.

I work 4 days per week, but quite locally so I see DD every day, both in the morning and evening as does DH. Both of us find days when we don't see DD sad and I can't imagine not seeing her for 5 days in a row.

I am only posting from personal experience of one child so I can't tell you if my concern that you wouldn't see your child awake in the week is standard or not.

[KenDoddsDadsDog]

I went back to work FT and now, a year and a half down the road I realise that I made the right choice for our family. But I don't really have a commute and tend to bring work home instead of putting in the long hours. I hated it when I first went back, really struggled .
It's your commute that sounds difficult to me. But it would do even if I had no kids.

[echt]

I've worked FT since DD was 7 months old, she's now 16. I'm lucky that I teach and so have the fab holidays. I'm not cut out to be a SAHM, so work suited me fine. I had a fantastic CM and nursery, so all of this made work easier, I felt DD was truly in safe hands.

What I've found is children need you more the older they get. They ignore you, curl their lip, but they want you there.

[sleeplessinsuburbia]

I agree with trois it depends if you think you'll cope. I have done it all, this time with more kids full time work is my constant in life. I love it, I love my job, I take days off for important things- that's clear to everyone so it doesn't create problems and I don't exploit the system!
It will be hard to leave your baby at first regardless how many days you work!

[MrsSchadenfreude]

I couldn't have been a SAHm/housewife. I tried (briefly) and it bored me to tears. It was much better for my sanity and my children's wellbeing that I went back to work (not to mention for our standard of living).

[hairytaleofnewyork]

Yanbu.

Will your DH employers allow him to go p/t?

My dp will become a sahd and I will return to work. Financially it's the only way things will work. Plus I love my work and am fortunate to be well paid in a senior post.

I will ask to go from 5 to 4 days but it may not be granted

[MotherPanda]

Heya, i have a longish commute to the city, however i work on flexitime which means most days i can leave the house at 6.30am and be back for 5.30pm. We gradually altered dds sleep time to 8-8 so that i got to see her for a couple of hours each evening.

I've been back to my ft job two weeks now, dd is 7months. I'm loving it, dh is a sahd so i'm really happy that she is ok.

Long term, this is best for our family - i'm offering comfort and security, and i don't feel like i'm making sacrifices- i had 7 months with dd, now its dh's turn. I am still breastfeeding and expressing twice a day at work.

Do what's best for you - i would give it a go, you can always hand in your notice/ put in a flexible work request if you are not happy.

[Showmethemhappyfeet]

I work 2 jobs, one FT one PT. I was lucky that I juggles my hours to get a couple of hours each afternoon with DD. at the mo DP is at home full time as he just lost his job. yes I miss my baby, but it's worth it not to struggle with bills etc, and it makes the time we spend together v special, prob more so than when I was on mat leave

[MishiMoshi]

Why not? I know of a few couples who have switched the traditional gender roles like this. And I think it has worked brilliantly.

One thing to consider is that while it's fab babies get a parent around lots (of course it is!) children need it more IMO! For me it would have been so much easier working FT than it would be now as mine need so much ferrying around and crave parental presence at matches, concerts, plays, etc.
Yes, we've had aupairs, etc who we've used to help with the ferrying and care, but yesterday, for example, my eldest had a netball tournament. Today, there's an open afternoon at the little one's school with a concert and the bigger one has made the first swim team and wants to beat the school record for front crawl and would like a paternal whoooop from the spectator gallery.

If I were you, I'd look at it not just now but the very long term. You may well have the arrangement where your DH goes PT at first, and then switch in a few years? What are your long term career intentions?

[MrsKitty]

I work full time, but like TryHarder I work shifts, so get to spend more time at home during the DC's waking hours am also tired & grumpy though. I also take advantage of the unpaid Parental Leave am entitled to (13 wks total up to the childs 5th birthday, max 4 weeks per year, taken in 1 week blocks)

You don't say how long you plan to take for maternity leave? I took the full year entitlement both times (plus some annual leave, and some unpaid parental leave) which made me more comfortable about going back to work FT - I really would have struggled with it any sooner than that.

If your work are so keen to keep you as FT would they perhaps be open to more flexible working hours? Would starting and finishing earlier or starting and finishing later make your commute any shorter and/or less stressful by missing rush hour?

[nooka]

You are certainly not unreasonable to consider full time work as an option. Personally I don't think that babies care very much who is looking after them so long as they have their needs fulfilled. If you are going to do long hours I think better when they are very small than later when they care very much indeed.

But I would explore options with your work as those are very long hours (presumably partly because of your long commute - further down the line is there a possibility of changing that?)

I went back to work full time when my children were 6 and 3 months and I've never regretted it. dh has chopped and changed, full time, part time and SAHD and I don't thin he's regretted his choices either. My children are 11 and 12 and we are very close (I'd not say they were closer to their dad even though he is the one around the most, we each have our own relationships).

But it is all very personal. I think that most people do have a fairly good idea as to what they would be comfortable with, I certainly never thought of not going back to work except for a brief period of madness when I imagined I'd turn into some sort of earth mother!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Have always worked full-time, partly due to necessity (sole parent) and partly because I know I'm not a homebody and I'd have got bored playing house. I've obviously spent less time with my DS than if I'd stayed home but, by being apart for some of the day, the time we have spent together has been special, making more of an effort to 'do things'. If there's been any sacrifice it's been my career which I freely admit I've back-pedalled on rather than give it 100%. Nevertheless we have a comfortable standard of living, an extremely good relationship and he is a pretty good, well-adjusted kid. No-one was harmed in the the making of this lifestyle... Regrets are for the birds.

[mypersonalfavourite]

If you'd be happy with it, go for it. Men do it all the time with no ill effects.

I think you should be prepared for having a very different relationship with your child though. DH has been home for a month for the first time since paternity leave and has noticed how much his relationship with the children is changing already. You (probably) won't be the one to comfort your child when she falls over, hear about the exciting things she does everyday etc. If you can handle that, then she'll be fine as she'll have DH there for her.

Personally, I'd go back part-time. Being a SAHM is hard work mentally and it sounds like your career is too good to take a back seat for a few years. Lots of people on here say they worked full-time but I doubt many of them did the hours you'll be doing. Realistically you'll see your child for two days a week and that would kill me.

[cupcakeandtea]

I went back to work full time after having my DS three years ago. It was awful. The guilt I felt was dreadful and even with my DH being part-time, the stress ended up making me ill and I resigned.
Since then I have worked for the NHS in mainly contract jobs and have never worked more than a four day week.
Having said that, I am on mat leave at the moment and know 100% that being a SAHM is not for me. I am bored to tears, the days drag by and tbh, I'll be relieved to get back into the world of work later on this year.
I don't think there's a right way or wrong way really. You'll find a solution somehow that suits your family.

[Mummy2FE]

This is a completely individual decision- everybody will say different. I work part time and enjoy the balance it gives me to be at home but also spend time away from my family and do a job I enjoy. I also like the social aspect of my job and I think I would pull my hair out without some adult conversation during the week!

I do have friends however who resent going to work even part time as they miss being with their Dc. Similarly I have friends who were part time but increased their hours to full as they felt more fulfilled that way.

Unless your employers are pressing you for an answer right now, I would be inclined to see how you feel when you have had the baby.

[ILoveSanta]

It's a very personal thing. I had 2yrs off after I had DS, but boy was I glad to get back to full time work.

Sometimes I feel sad that I miss events that are going on, I get to as many as I can though, but realistically, I know that going to work has kept me sane, and given my family extra cash to do the things we really want to with my son.

I was glad to have the two years off with him, and I did enjoy seeing him change, but if I have any more, I won't take more than 12 months because I like being able to afford all the little extras we couldn't and for me it's worth it to see my DS enjoying days out with us etc.

I do make the most of every holiday and weekend though, and I think that being at work makes you really appreciate the time you have with them, so you really do take everyopportunity to enjoy it. and as a result I am very precious about my weekends!

Whatever you decide has to be right for you and your family, it's different for everyone.

Just a thought, but have you thought about trying to negotiate extra annual leave, that way you would have more time off overtheyearto enjoy the baby, or working from home for a day or two a week? My sil did both when she went back to work in the city, working similar hours to you,and it helped her hugely.

Xxx

[stabiliser15]

I work FT and have done since DD was 5.5 months old. It's both because I need to and I want to - I told my employer I'd have six months off and be back full time, and having the baby didnt change my intentions and I did precisely what I said I would.

I mostly love my job and am far happier back at work than I was on maternity leave. DH works part time and is a part time SAHD, but works shifts so packs in a lot of hours as he works around me. He loves it and is very happy being a very hands on Dad. We always knew that this would be the arrangement for us, and we're lucky we're all as happy with it as we had hoped. DD goes to nursery 2 days a week and loves it there.

I have changed my hours slightly since I came back to work so I start earlier and finish earlier (where possible) so most days I get home in time to play with DD and then do dinner, bath and bed. But I think that is for me really, DD doesnt bat an eyelid when I dont make it home on time.

The reason it works for us is because we are all happy with our family arrangement, and I think that is key. I definitely believe that happy parents mean a happy baby.

You've got to do what works for the three of you so you are all happy with the situation. To a certain extent, what anyone else does is irrelevant - how do you and your DH feel about the roles you are proposing?

[porcamiseria]

BTW, I dont understand why people cant adjust sleep times so they see their kids.

My DS go to bed at nine, and I am home 630pm, so even though I work full time I see them every day. they wake later obvously, but as not at school yet its not an issue

[MrsMuddyPuddles]

"Unfortunately I don't really have until after maternity to decide as I'm in a senior role in a relatively small firm so am responsible for hiring a replacement for me if I do decide to go part time - a replacement I'd have to train before I left for maternity leave."

What's going on with your job while you are on maternity leave- surely you'd have to hire and train a replacement for that time, anyway?

IF your husband/a sitter is home, could you work from home part-time, or is your job one where you HAVE to be in the office?

I was able to set up a 4 day a week situation for myself when i first went back, and it was ideal. I miss having fridays off and wish we could afford for me to work 3-4 days a week, but between the economy and the non-necessities that we'd like to keep (eating nice food, being able to travel to visit my family, and saving for a home in a good school catchment as opposed to the ex-council flat we're currently in) it's not a finantial sacrifice I'm willing to make

That said, I really enjoy my job, and was much happier (as in, PND went away) when I had a date to return to work. You may be the same, or you may find that being a SAHM is more important than ANYTHING.

[lambethlil]

It's certainly an option.
Could you move nearer work, it's the commute that sounds like the killer in this case.

[lottielou39]

with those long hours you'll only see and interact with your baby at the weekend. For the poster who said she'd done similar and had 'made no sacrifices', I don't know how that works. Denial? Because whichever way you choose to look at it, that's a huge sacrifice to make.

[treadwarily]

I did and I regretted it. Lasted 18months then quit. They wouldn't allow part-time so I left. I felt guilty and I missed her and I had lost interest in work. Leaving was fantastic.

With 2nd child I have worked part time on a gradually-increasing basis and it works well.

So I would say it's hard to know until you do it and find out how it goes for you.