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AIBU?

to be really worried about this?

50 replies

rumngingerbeer · 19/02/2012 19:54

Long story, apologies.
When I was 17 I had a termination in a local hospital. Five years later I had my dd with the same partner but we split up when she was 9, she's now 18. The only people who know about the abortion are my ex and me. I'm sure you've done the math and worked out this happened over 20 years ago. I met my OH 8 years ago and although we have a great relationship, I never told him about my termination. Now, his brother's wife has always been a bit 'off' with me and recently while drunk at a party she said to me 'oh rum, we've all got skeletons in our closets haven't we?' and since then I haven't been able to stop worrying. The thing is she works as an admin manager in the hospital I had the termination in. I'm worried sick she's been able to access my files? Is this possible? I can't sleep. I don't want the whole of my OH's family knowing this about my past, in my opinion, it doesn't involve them and I can't stop thinking about this. Help?

OP posts:

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WibblyBibble · 19/02/2012 23:00

Er, can I just quickly suggest that it's more likely that the 'skeletons in your closet' nonsense is a reference to you rejecting her on facebook (perfectly reasonably imo) and she's trying to imply that it means you are hiding something from her?

I had to get my medical records at one point, and everything over about 10 years old was scrawled on scraps of paper and barely legible- I doubt anyone would bother going through that kind of mess on the offchance of finding something out about an acquaintance, unless they were really stalkery. No reason not to check with your doctor if you are concerned but it really wouldn't be the first thing I'd think of as a reason for her saying something idiotic.

olgaga · 19/02/2012 22:51

Well, tell him if you want to, but only if you want to, rather than because you feel threatened. As I've said, in my view it is something you are perfectly entitled to keep private. It happened a very long time ago, when you were very young and your life was completely different.

It's not even a "skeleton in your closet" - like a criminal record or something - and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Bingdweller · 19/02/2012 22:34

In that case, it is extremely likely that all paper notes have been archived and not on site. If you have had no further dealings with that hospital then she should not have access to notes. Not sure about computerised records though, if she has accessed these then there will be an audit trail but the only way to know for sure is by contacting your health board directly.

rumngingerbeer · 19/02/2012 22:30

thank you bingdweller, no gp referalls since. Haven't even been in the hospital since.

OP posts:

Bingdweller · 19/02/2012 22:20

How horrible for you. Just a quick question, have you had a GP referral for anything at the hospital in the last few years? The reason I ask is that referral letters usually have a summary of all previous medical conditions/procedures and this could be easily identified. I also work within healthcare in Scotland and I have seen many, many referral letters with medical summaries. Usually terminations are abbreviated but recognisably so.

I think the crux of the matter is that if she mentions this again then you need to challenge her at the time. Alternatively for your own peace of mind, you may wish to write to the hospital concerned to request your notes (admin fee of around £20). HTH.

rumngingerbeer · 19/02/2012 22:10

ah, ok. Thank you.

OP posts:

thenightsky · 19/02/2012 22:08

OP... outpatient

IP... inpatient

rumngingerbeer · 19/02/2012 22:04

thenightsky sorry what is OP and IP episodes?

OP posts:

thenightsky · 19/02/2012 22:01

Med recs normally go for archiving at 7 years old. If she can see anything, it will be on computer and probably just a list of your OP and IP episodes since time began. So your abortion will show as just TOP on that date.

She'd be mad to look and tell you though. Instant dismissal.

(medical secretary in NHS since 1987)

NorthernWreck · 19/02/2012 22:01

I am outraged that anyone would even think to abuse their position at work in order to try and intimidate you over something like this.
Just ignore her. If she ever says anything along those lines just ask her exactly what she means.
If she mentions the abortion tell her that you will be makig an official complaint to her employers about her illegal and morally repugnant behaviour.

She is trying to emotionally blackmail you. You were almost a child at the time, and as someone said upthread, you did nothing wrong.
If that doesn't work, give her a Glasgow kiss.

Don't feel pressured into telling your OH if you don't want to. It's your business.

rumngingerbeer · 19/02/2012 21:07

You have all been very kind and helpful, thank you. The irony is that now I'm worried about this, I'm thinking I might just sit down with OH and tell him anyway just so I can stop this knot in my tummy .
I'm not sure how I would proceed if I did find out she had been snooping. I would like to avoid a big family feud over this.

OP posts:

olgaga · 19/02/2012 21:01

If I were you I would stop worrying about it. As Peppermint says, she may not have been talking about you anyway. However, it may well be accessible to her. I know mine is on my GP's computerised record - and it was in the 1980s.

If she has an ounce of sense she'll be more worried than you if she has been nosing about in your medical records and stupidly blabbed this to you when drunk. Believe me, she'll be hoping you don't ask her about it again.

I'd ignore it completely, apart from preparing to flush her out. If your partner ever did say anything, just deny it and wait for him to incriminate her. Then make a complaint in writing. She'd be out the door before you can say "P45".

Frankly if your partner made an issue out of something that happened to you when you were 17, 12 years before he even met you, then you'd have to consider whether he is worth your attention anyway!

You obviously don't want to tell him, or you would have by now. I think this is something you are entitled to keep private.

For now, put it out of your mind.

PeppermintCreams · 19/02/2012 20:56

Maybe she was implying that your OH has some skeletons?

desperatenotstupid · 19/02/2012 20:55

Fair enough, you are perfectly entitled to have whoever you wish on FB, im much the same FB is for old friends from uni and close family and friends who i actually talk to. Some people add all and sundry and perhaps she has taken offence because you haven't added her. Her problem not yours.

I am backtracking now though - i don't think you shld tell your OH, it gives it too much importance. Its passed, not something im sure you have wanted to give much headspace, you put it out of your mind and that is why you haven't told him. Not because you were hiding it from him. IF she is mad enough to ever say anything, im sure your OH will understand, like you say, he isn't relegious and even if he is, it doesn't mean he will judge you about it. I am catholic and i certainly wouldnt judge you on it. I hope that came across in my post as i was trying to say that, despite my views on it, i woudlnt judge another woman for it.

rumngingerbeer · 19/02/2012 20:46

I declined her FB request because I rarely use FB and only have very close friends and family on there. I've met this woman maybe 9 or 10 times, I don't really consider her close in any way, she's just married to my OH's brother.

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desperatenotstupid · 19/02/2012 20:42

I am a catholic, and as such, pro-life. But that is MY belief, for me, what you do or have done is none of my concern and i would never ever judge you for it, you will have had your reasons and done what you needed to do at the time. I would tell your OH and say that you have never mentioned it before because it is not relevant to now, you didnt want to upset him and had put it behind you - why would you need to tell him? But just say to him that you are concerned that your SIL has found out and you didn't want him to hear it from her. Leave it at that, and then if she does say anything she is going to look like a total twat.

Can i just ask why you declined her FB request? is there bad feeling between you both already? You know the old saying, keep your friends close, but your enimies closer!

MeconiumHappens · 19/02/2012 20:37

To be honest, i doubt she knows anything about it. It was probably a random off the cuff comment which you have associated with your own theory. Dont give it any more thought, its of no significance anyway.

MrsKittyFane · 19/02/2012 20:31

jam so not a quick thing to do? Is it likely this SIL would have the time to look in detail? (I'm thinking not OP )

rumngingerbeer · 19/02/2012 20:29

Ok, a bit more background info is required here I think.We live in Scotland and my OH's family are Irish Catholics, although he is not practising and hasn't been to church for years! Myself and dd are athiests. I must stress this hasn't created any problems, but OH's brother's wife is a catholic and I expect therefore likely to be pro life. Is this making me more paranoid? She has no kids yet but has expressed a desire to have a 'big family' as is the Irish Catholic way in the part of Scotland where I live.

OP posts:

MrsKittyFane · 19/02/2012 20:28

Well if that's the case Etti she would be very stupid to say anything if she has looked.
(and an utter bitch who will be seen for who she is if she does start opening her mouth)

jamdonut · 19/02/2012 20:27

Paper notes are usually microfilmed after 10 years,if they haven't been used in that time,however it is not unheard of to have an old set of notes,or, several folders which are bound together if you have had a lot of hospital visits in the last 20 years,however she would have had to go through a lot of filed paperwork to find something that far back, as notes (i.e. letters between consultants and GP's) are usually filed with the newest episode at the top. The clinical handwritten notes are filed like reading a book, and it specialty order, after the letters... . Microfilmed notes are usually only copied and put in a new folder if there is something of note that a GP would have mentioned in a referral letter to a consultant, and the consultant needed to see what happened at the time.
Anyway, it's none of her business and if she has seen something you would be within your rights to complain to her hospital if she ever brought it up again. She is very,very wrong if she has has done this!

DaisySteiner · 19/02/2012 20:24

Why not tell your OH and then she has no hold over you? I know that's easier said than done, but you've got nothing to be ashamed over. Why are you so worried about him finding out?

Ettiketti · 19/02/2012 20:21

She almost certainly CAN access your records. I know because I've worked in nhs for 14 years and I can. However, if its your computer record, its tracked and sackable offence. If its paper, in some hospitals, the same applies, but not all track paper records so closely (ie in our hospital until recently you could note the patient number, go read the notes without withdrawing from medical records library and thus no tracking).

catsareevil · 19/02/2012 20:21

If you havent been seen at that hospital since your notes have most likely benn destroyed. The data protection act means that there are limits (I think 7 years) on how long information can be stored for.

If by some chance your brothers wife has seen your notes, read them in enough detail to see that you had a termination, and repeats this to anyone she will lose her job. Why would an admin manager need to see anyones notes?

Why dont you ask her what she meant? It sounds more like she maybe thinks she has skeletons in her closet? Maybe she likes you and wants to be your friend?

LaurieFairyCake · 19/02/2012 20:20

All the records at my doctors surgery have been computerised and my termination 19 years ago is definitely now on the computer as I can see the screen when I visit.

Yes, she could know and if she's stupid enough to say something to you complain to the hospital.

There are all sorts of things some idiot could infer from my medical records but really you have nothing to be ashamed of.

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