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AIBU?

to be really worried about this?

50 replies

rumngingerbeer · 19/02/2012 19:54

Long story, apologies.
When I was 17 I had a termination in a local hospital. Five years later I had my dd with the same partner but we split up when she was 9, she's now 18. The only people who know about the abortion are my ex and me. I'm sure you've done the math and worked out this happened over 20 years ago. I met my OH 8 years ago and although we have a great relationship, I never told him about my termination. Now, his brother's wife has always been a bit 'off' with me and recently while drunk at a party she said to me 'oh rum, we've all got skeletons in our closets haven't we?' and since then I haven't been able to stop worrying. The thing is she works as an admin manager in the hospital I had the termination in. I'm worried sick she's been able to access my files? Is this possible? I can't sleep. I don't want the whole of my OH's family knowing this about my past, in my opinion, it doesn't involve them and I can't stop thinking about this. Help?

OP posts:

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worzelswife · 19/02/2012 19:58

I'm sure she knows nothing. She's trying to rattle you because she's jealous, but that's probably all it is. I don't know if she actually would have access to your files but it's very unlikely she's seen anything about you, and if it was 20 years ago it's even more unlikely..

And please don't feel guilty about the termination. So many women have them. I know it's probably easier said than done, but you aren't a bad person for having had one and you don't need to take any judgement from anyone. It's your own business and that's that, and you don't have to explain it anyone either.

SootySweepandSue · 19/02/2012 19:58

I would call her on it next time I see her. Be bold and ask exactly what she meant. It does seem like a coincidence but I wouldn't put it past some people. I thunk snooping on people has become normalised with FB and Google. Nasty to do this though and sackable.

MrsKittyFane · 19/02/2012 20:03

Well, if she does know and/ or ever says anything she would be in breech of contract.
Privacy and all that.
Whatever your reasons for the termination it is none of her business.
Don't let it unsettle you. If your DH hears it from her, tackle it then. Your SiL sounds dreadful.

Birdsgottafly · 19/02/2012 20:03

Although she isn't supposed to have been able to access your records,it is possible.

However if she has it would be a sackable offence. I would challenge her if she says that again, obviously at a later date when she isn't drunk.

There isn't really any need to have told your partner, given how long ago was. Do you think that thy will judge you if they find out?

Tbh you will just have to front it out. It would be nasty and judgemental of them to hold this against you.

It might show her up as the bitch that she is, if this is what she means,though.

MrsKittyFane · 19/02/2012 20:04

Agree about feeling guilty. Don't, just don't.

JADS · 19/02/2012 20:05

If she has been snooping, she can be dismissed from her post and she doesn't have a leg to stand on (Data Protection Act)

I wouldn't worry too much though. Your appointment from 20 years ago wouldn't show up on the computer. She would have had to access your paper notes which seems like a massive hassle. Plus if she can read the docs scrawl and abbreviations from years ago, I would be very impressed.The paper notes also get moved off site if they haven't been used for a certain number of years depending on the NHS Trust.

hwjm1945 · 19/02/2012 20:06

I think you may need soeme counselling to deal with this guilt which you are carrying. Abortion is legal. It is a legal medical procedure. You have done nothing wrong. If she does know, then your OH if he gets to know about it will have to accept it - it was a long time ago - the past is another country.

GrahamTribe · 19/02/2012 20:06

Call her on it, if necessary call her bluff then call her boss. If she admits to knowing anything the first thing you do is make light of it, saying that it's hardly a "skeleton" and expressing surprise that she might think so. Make her think that everyone else knows anyway and she's just the last to do so, that way she has no power to weild.

When you've finished making her look small call the hospital and put in a formal complaint about her breaching confidentiality legislations.

Hassled · 19/02/2012 20:07

Why can't you tell your OH? It's a big secret to keep for 8 years - and it's not a shameful secret. The longer you leave it, the harder it will be - is he really likely to judge you for something you did 20+ years ago? And the advantage of telling him is that your bitch of a SIL will have no ammunition whatsoever and can go swivel. It doesn't mean you have to confirm or deny the abortion to the SIL - it just means you'll know she has no power.

GrahamTribe · 19/02/2012 20:08

Good points JADS. It looks like you've nothing to worry about OP and, as others have said, you've done nothing wrong and have no reason whatsoever to feel guilty.

HoneyandHaycorns · 19/02/2012 20:08

She may or may not know, but telling anyone else would be a sacking offence, and I'm sure she knows this.

And for all she knows, you may have told your DH already. It's really none of her business.

rumngingerbeer · 19/02/2012 20:08

Thank you all. I'm not gulity about the termination, maybe a bit guilty about not telling my OH but it just wasn't an issue until now.
When I was introduced to this woman (I can't call her SIL because I have a SIL who is a gem) my heart lurched when I was told where she worked. We only see each other at parties etc and when she tried to add me on FB I declined. Now I can't stop thinking that she's been looking at my business and she sort of passive aggressively used it against me a few nights ago. I really need some concrete evidence that she can actually see my medical records. I'm really anxious.

OP posts:

jollyoldstnickschick · 19/02/2012 20:10

It happened before you knew your Dp,before your life had really begun- you made that decision with the best info you had at that time,at that time that was what right for you- some people have abortions for medical reasons,some for otther reasons.

I would ask her directly what she meant and clearly say there are NO skeletons in your closet but if shed like to enlighten you then this is her chance.

She sounds like a right nasty cow who cant handle her drink.

DaisyAndConfused · 19/02/2012 20:10

What JADS said.

My mum works in medical records and (a) people get the sack for snooping and (b) it was so long ago it's unlikely to be easily accessible.

You do have the right to request your medical records from your GP if you want to see what they contain.

Sorry that this woman is making you feel this way, you have done nothing wrong. Hope it works out.

rumngingerbeer · 19/02/2012 20:10

oh sorry x post with lots of you, thank you JADS that is a comforting post.

OP posts:

MrsKittyFane · 19/02/2012 20:11

Good point JADS paper notes from hospital are stored off site after about 7 years arn't they? Nothing will be on the system I expect.
If you want peace of mind you can request a copy of all notes held by the hospital in your name and you can see for yourself. You would have to pay. :(

elinorbellowed · 19/02/2012 20:11

Please stop worrying. If she does know and she's being very unpleasant then she has a lot more to worry about than you if it gets out. You have done nothing wrong, whereas she will have committed gross misconduct.
I like GrahamTribe's advice.
Ultimately, if your DP does find out, he will understand if he is a good man, so stop worrying.

MrsKittyFane · 19/02/2012 20:12

XPost :)

HoneyandHaycorns · 19/02/2012 20:12

OP, there are probably lots of things you have never told your DP about your past life, presumably because they weren't relevant. I am assuming that the question never really came up?

campariandlemonade · 19/02/2012 20:13

I agree with JADS
Awful that you should have to have this worry though OP.

winnybella · 19/02/2012 20:14

You weren't under any obligation to tell your OH all the intimate details of your life before you've met him so you shouldn't feel guilty for not telling him, imo.

Icelollycraving · 19/02/2012 20:14

Poor you,what a worry!
I very much doubt she knows anything but I would throw into conversation with her about someone you know called something very generic & how they were sacked from their position with the trust after checking someone's noted.Steely stare. Job done.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 19/02/2012 20:14

Are you sure she meant it in a bitchy way? Perhaps she has skeletons she'd like to get out of her own cupboard, at least when drunk.

Birdsgottafly · 19/02/2012 20:17

Sometimes terminations can come on to notes in other ways. "How many pregnancies have you had?" is a common question when any medical investigations are being carried out, so past events carry over onto new records.

As i said although in theory she shouldn't be able to get access, but i have known it possible to access archived information, off record.

semtexinmypocket · 19/02/2012 20:19

Fucking hell, if anyone should be sick with worry it's HER. She should NOT be looking up your records and certainly not hinting about this kind of thing.

She sounds very odd though. I don't mean to be flippant about it, because I know abortion can be a very difficult thing, but I can't imagine batting an eyelid at someone having a termination as a 17 year old. Is she religous or something?

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