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AIBU?

to think in-laws are being a little cheeky

38 replies

scarborough1980 · 19/12/2011 17:27

We have historically always spent Xmas Day with MIL as she only has dh and 1 other son.
We tend to host every 2nd year. Last year we hosted for my family and MIL. BIL was with his inlaws.
This year MIL or BIl would normally host. However, they have decided that it would be nice to eat out this year. Great for MIL as we and BIL are paying for her. Not bad for BIL as they are a family of 2.
However, as a family of 5 we are having to spend best part of £160 for 1 meal.
I did point out to dh that it was alot of money to spend especially as dc are unlikely to eat £60 worth of food between them. However, as usual dh goes along with it.
Realise I am probably not thinimg reasonably as this is 1st Christmas without my mum who was always the perfect host.

OP posts:

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Nancy66 · 20/12/2011 11:14

We went to a posh restaurant for christmas lunch once - hated it.

Staff just wanted to go home - after two hours they were virtually tipping our seats up....

Ticklemonster2 · 20/12/2011 11:03

Split the bill. It is the least your BIL can do.
Sorry about your mum. This is my third Christmas without mine, so I know how you feel.
£160 is a lot of money for one meal!

TestAnswers · 20/12/2011 09:51

YANBU to be miffed about this. As you say, it isn't about changing it at this point - you can't really without coming across as the bad guy. It is a good opportunity to really think about what you want next year though and manage the situation.

MIL/FIL managed to steamroller us into hosting alternate years. I found the assumption very odd as it was coupled with the assumption that they never host (one year with us/one year with SIL and her family) - they are both fit and well in their sixties. DH, I and the DC have started going out to local restaurants on our 'off year' (The atmosphere/the walk there and back etc and we have been very lucky with the food). It isn't like I wouldn't have glady hosted and invited them over - it was the assumption that I found really rude.

We had xmas dinner at home with the ILs last year though as, again, it was assumed that we would be paying for their meal if we went out (whilst they aren't rich they are certainly confortable - buy new cars, go on several holidays a year). It isn't just Christmas though - I used to invite them over to our house a lot in the early years but stopped a few years back due to the lack of reciprocal invites.

We were in the midst of building work one year and it was 'our' turn - they never offered so DH suggested that they host if we paid for all the food. MIL - cats bum face, she did it though (she is a perfectly capable cook but it was pretty grim, even DH said so - I think she did that on purpose!).

scarborough1980 · 20/12/2011 09:47

Presents already brought. TBF I don't think she even knows that her son's have paid. So maybe It's dh and BIL I should be cross with.

OP posts:

scarborough1980 · 20/12/2011 09:44

TBF it was BIL who decided that eating out would be good as he did it last year with his wifes family.

OP posts:

PopcornMouseInAReindeerJumper · 20/12/2011 09:44

PopcornMouseInAReindeerJumper · 20/12/2011 09:43

Can you call the "treat" her xmas present, if you're strapped for cash?

scarborough1980 · 20/12/2011 09:42

rebecca it was another poster with 2 siblings. He just has a brother. Maybe a change would be for the best this year. However, I guess I am just cross we are paying for mil as we are now unable to treat my own mum.
Tbh I didn't want to host this year as I really don't feel up to it. Heart not in it etc.

OP posts:

OddBaubles · 20/12/2011 08:52

Sorry for your loss, Christmas must be hard without your mum.

It does sound cheeky for your MIL to go free when it sounds like her choice and it's her year to host but I don't know all your finances.

With only a few days to go try to just get through this year and enjoy it as much as you can but us it as a time to take stock and think about what you want to do next year (and beyond).

GrendelsMum · 20/12/2011 08:43

I think that Abbierhodes is right - going out for a totally different Christmas in a hotel might be the best way to get through this difficult first Christmas, which would make £160 well worth spending. I think it would be pretty tough to be at home without your DM.

Sorry about your loss, OP.

2rebecca · 20/12/2011 08:27

So your husband is one of 3 siblings. he really should talk to his siblings about taking their turn with their parents, although it sounds as though his brother does take turns. No-one can make you feel guilty. My husband is only 1 of 2 but if we had his parents 1 year and the next they moaned about not coming to us I'd tell them they have 2 other children and I have a family too.
This meal sounds as though you could have got out of it a month ago by telling your husband you weren't going out for Christmas dinner with young kids and if his mum and brother wanted to go out for lunch then you'd do your own thing and see them later.
Is your husband a bit of a mummy's boy? You sound as though you are a passive participant in the Christmas arrangements and I wonder if that is the main problem.

abbierhodes · 19/12/2011 22:55

Some of you are very harsh! The OP is clearly upset about her mum most of all, I think.
YANBU OP, they aren't 'hosting' and I can understand that feels unfair if you have been taking turns.

You might find that you have a lovely time, though. My family has suffered bereavements and Christmas has been difficult at times. We found that doing something totally different helped a lot, actually, as we weren't constantly reminded of the missing person.

Your mum would have wanted you to have a wonderful Christmas, I'm sure.

pigletmania · 19/12/2011 21:17

Ok its too late now, but next year tell them in good time that you will be having a family Christmas at home as you cannot afford it.

ddubsgirl · 19/12/2011 18:12

2rebecca its isnt that simple tho,dh has 1 bro & 1 sis yet every year we have mil & fil neither of them ever offer to have them,we have asked before and told no,so we host them,last year we didnt and was made to feel very guilty,bil his wife & 2 dds come to us boxing day but means dh has to go pick them up and take them home.

ViviPrudolf · 19/12/2011 18:06

Lydia I guess its that time of year where we have the most to get off our chests, but also feel the most pressure to brave things out so everything's getting vented on here.

I've just got home from the yearly yuletide sentence visitation with the PiLs, and I could start about a million threads about grievances which could have been avoided had I stood by what I say every year on my return, that being "never again". But its my own fault that I still subject myself to it every year.

scarborough1980 · 19/12/2011 18:03

Tbh I don't want to rock the boat and change anything. I just wanted to reassure myself that it's ok to feel a bit miffed about being steamrollered into doing something I am not over keen on.
However, I ,may be back in January saying we had as nice as time as is possible in circumstances.

OP posts:

EssentialFattyAcid · 19/12/2011 18:03

The host should pay. If they choose not to then it's fine to say you will stay at home instead.

scarborough1980 · 19/12/2011 18:00

I too am worried that dc will be bored. Going to go armed with ds's, activity books etc.

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LydiaWickham · 19/12/2011 18:00

Vivi - yep, there's a lot of people on here today complaining about situations they aren't happy with, being told to do something about it, then them explaining why they can't do anything about it. They will then come on and complain about it in the new year, and act like the whole thing happened to them rather than accepting they have any control over their own lives.

OP - you can choose to go to the restaurant or not, don't pretend you don't have a choice. If you don't want to go, don't, you can still cancel and do your own Christmas.

ViviPrudolf · 19/12/2011 17:59

That's what it's for OP

lollystix · 19/12/2011 17:59

I would love to ear out for Xmas lunch but I don't think it would be fair to inflict my small kids on the other diners who are probably trying to have a civilised meal out (at great expense)

scarborough1980 · 19/12/2011 17:58

I think I probably would have sucked it up and not whinged in normal circumstances. But there is going to be nothing normal about this Christmas. Plus cross with dh over deciding to pay for his mum without dsscussing it with me. However, again can't really complain as she did lend us money this year.
I suppose I am using MN as an outlet to vent.

OP posts:

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LadyClariceCannockMonty · 19/12/2011 17:57

I also don't get why you have to pay for MIL. It's their turn to host, so IMO they either host at home or they take everyone out to Christmas lunch. I'd say do the Christmas you want to, whatever that involves; if it means being at home, and MIL and/or BIL complain, you can tell them they're welcome to come over to yours (unless they're not, in which case you could explain that you'd prefer a family Christmas to a restaurant one, you can't justify the cost, the kids will be better off at home, etc etc.

So sorry about your mum. It will be a hard Christmas, so go easy on yourself and good luck!

ViviPrudolf · 19/12/2011 17:52

This thread is going to go....

MNetters: That's too expensive, don't go.
OP: Its too late, its booked and I can't get out of it

On and on ad infinitum. What were you hoping for when posting? YANBU to think they're cheeky, but that's about all you can hope for really. YABU for accepting it then going on to have a whinge up. But then we all do that.

Sorry to hear about your Mum, must be a hard Christmas for you.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 19/12/2011 17:48

Sorry to hear about your Mum :(

This Christmas will be hard no matter where you spend it.

I think it's rude to decide to eat out when it's your turn to host, unless you are paying.

Split the entire bil with your BIL - it's the least he can do.l

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