to be utterly offended and upset at my family.

[MrsTwinks]

My gran has alzhemiers, and this developed when there were a few rifts in the family shall we say.

Basically my father is her next of kin these days, as his only brother ripped her off for loads of money before going awol. NO ONE has seen him in 4 years at least (theres an outstanding police warrant too so i mean no one). gran lives near her sister, but dad lives abroad so she does day to day etc as nana is used to seeing her all the time.

Social services call us when theres anything like consents needed (like for anestetic when she broke her hip) and I ferry calls etc, but on advice from her doctors as she is violent etc (she was sectioned, it took a few police to get her in the ambulance) we dont visit very much. Last time my brother went she had to be sedated after as she was screaming at him that he wasnt him an imposter etc. Last birthday call she was telling my dad to pay them whatever ransom they wanted etc. I know its waffle but its just so you understand we are interested but not local and its all on doctors advice we dont visit etc.

There was a family bust up earlier in the year when sister and her H went in to the home with a priest and got her to sign over her bank accounts, so now dad doesnt deal with them. He doesnt have the money to go for them legally over it unfortunately, and not much we can do without we've been told.

Now, its 10 days until Christmas and sisters H has sent me her funeral arrangements.No care that its a total shock that her funeral has been arranged let alone done without us!! not to mention the arrangements are bollocks. AIBU to be really upset at the first I'm told of this is opening a letter and pulling out a fucking funeral plan!?! and this time of year too! This man is family, his W if my godmother as well as my GAunt and all i get is a slip of paper saying please forward this to your father. They have my number, his number. My cousins also live nearer Gran and have me & dad on FB so all I can assume is either they werent aware of this "plan" or didnt bother tell me or dad either!!

(sorry for any spelling mistakes etc, TBH here on my own and really upset so not best typing conditions)

[kelly2000]

If your grandmother is so ill then someone shoudl have power of attorny for her - who is this? If social services are asking your ftaher for consent it sounds like him. If someone does have power of attorny then she had no legal ability to hand over control of her bank accounts, and if sister and her husband are claiming they are now theirs they have acted fraudently. The priest is not legally allowed to confirm or deny someone is of sound mind. That would be down to an assessor from social services and a doctor. As you gm cannot give consent for medical treatment then she cannot give consent for financial affairs either.

Go back to social services, and demand they tackle this. Also contact her bank to tell them you do not believe they bank accounts were handed over by a person with capacity, and call the police and ask their advice. There is also an office of guradianship or something run by the ministry of justice that deals with abuse of power of attorny. I would also contact help the aged for adivce, and also complain to the church authorities about the priest's involvement as he had no right to go along and take part in the signing over of bank accounts.

[elfyrespect]

Why have they sent you the funeral arrangements? - To discuss? To pay towards?

Getting the basics sorted and paid for isn't such a bad thing you can always add cars etc at the tim at an additional cost.

[OldeChestnut]

you barely visit her and have nothing to do with her

her sister does

it should be down to her sister to have what she thinks is appropriate

[OldeChestnut]

sounds like you cba to visit but want a say in her money affairs

[nursenic]

Go to CAB, AGE UK and/or MIND. You need to apply for Power Of Attorney (I have this for a relative). You can also contact the Diocese Office regarding the Priest to ask for an explanation. The CAB can help you with this.

The Police should be notified if you have any real suspicion or proof of elder abuse/elder financial abuse or fraud. They may not be able to do much but it will put the willies up those relatives...

[MrsTwinks]

oldechestnut we all live a good way away and didnt visit very often when she was well. Her sister lived down the road and visited weekly

She is unaware she will never leave hospital. She is under NO circumstances to be told this. We have been asked to try not to do anything to alter her to the fact its not that its not a complication with her pre-existing conditions keeping her in. As i asid in OP she is violent and agressive when freaked out and last time my brother visited she attacked him and wouldnt let him in because he is an imposter.

We call, we write and we do everything but it is painful emotionally for us to see her like that and its bad for her health for us to upset her by insisting on it. I have cousins/other relatives who live closer who have never visited for this very reason. Its not that we are not interested or cant be arsed. Its on her doctors advice.

elfy they have been sent to us as a done deal. Funeral home, Church, plot, everything done and decided

[diddl]

Seems tactless to me, but it´s your Gran-realistically, what input did you think that you would have?

[MrsTwinks]

me none... but my dad, or infact either of her two children maybe. Instead I'm left to tell my Dad on his behalf of his Aunt that hes not allowed any input.

[MrsTwinks]

as I said, gran has been sectioned. She cannot leave the home so I doubt she had a daytrip down to the co-op to plan her funeral, or given that alot of the time everyone is trying to kill her in her mind, that she was involved. More so as the comment was she will be buried by my grandfather as that is what "he" wanted, not what "she" wanted.

[BettyCash]

... I'm with OldeChesnut. Why is your aunt the only one looking after your gran? Who's paying for her care?

[cantspel]

This aunt is your grans sister. She will have known and loved her longer than any of you and will be in the best position to know what your gran would want She is also the one, for whatever reason is doing the caring.

Unless you have good reason to believe that the aunt is not acting in the best interests of your gran then be grateful that she is shouldering so much of the burden.

[diddl]

If your father is the next of kin, I can´t see how her brother is doing these things or that they are in any way enforceable tbh.

[MrsTwinks]

Betty because she is so aggressive etc and the section its considered the same as institutuionalising a paranoid schizophenic for example, so it is covered under NHS. She lived where she did as my uncle also lived there until he died, his kids leave it up to everyone else and my dad lives abroad. I moved to get married and my DB moved for uni etc so we arent local anymore. Doesn't mean we dont care shes still our gran!

To be brutally frank, we don't give a fuck about her money. Its more that unless social services ring us, which is only ever about her health, its like they have disowned my father on her behalf, and by extension me and my DB. It was only after none of us had got her on the phone for 3 weeks we travelled the 200 miles... spent the day searching hospitals, to discover they knew she had been taken from her and never told us. Its really not that she is the only one to look after her, rather that the home is down the road and shes the most local, so can visit every fortnight or so, same as when she was well, and therefore not freak her out.

[moominliz]

I'm no expert but my grandfather is of sound mind but housebound. He wanted my mum or aunt to be in charge of his finances however, the bank said that unless he went into the branch himself (which isn't possible in his case) the only other way they would accept someone else to have full access to his account was if they had a solicitors letter and preferably a doctors letter as well.
I'm amazed that a bank has accepted the signature of a priest from a lady who has been sectioned.
Also, though it was very tactless the way your family told you about funeral plans I thinks its quite accepted now that people pay for and plan their funerals before they die.

[elfyrespect]

So is the sister actually stopping your dad from paying for extra cars/an individual headstone etc should he wish to contribute?

Apart from informing you of how far she's got with setting up a funeral, I can't see what she's done wrong. It just looks like the family are all very distant generally (is the sister on your xmas card list?) and so you're all lacking in communication.

[sitandnatter]

Sorry op you are not hands on, you are not there for her, not visiting, even for the best of reasons, you're just not taking the responsibility for her care. If you aren't doing that you don't get to have much of a say.

Could you imagine looking after your Dad say, day in day out, week in week out, doing all of the hospital calls, bringing down the pjs, making sure they're cared for then someone who hasn't seen them for years wants to dictate what happens to them.


Put yourself in your relations shoes and lose the anger. If you care about your nanny you should be grateful to them that they have done all of the caring when you and your Dad couldn't.

[elfyrespect]

And SS may have called your dad for consent for hip operation etc but the care home/hospital won't really be able to call him for day to day needs, shopping bits, toiletries etc. The sister probably got fed up of having to front the money all the time and really did need access to your gran's money so that your gran could live her life.

[MrsTwinks]

we were a very close family until my uncle died a few years back. It was horrible and gran reacted very badly (in hindsight it was the start, she was aggressive/abusive to his widow etc) hence not being that close during her diagnosis. Before that we would have seen her every few months or so, she usually stayed with dad for a week or two a few times a year at least, and yet now we don't exist.

Other issues like money etc aside, it's really about a bit of courtesy. All I would like is for my dad and his family to be treated like part of hers. We still try to envolve them but we've been cut out. To say not seen her in years is an exaggeration. I'm talking months between visits, never longer than 3 or 4.

Fair enough if you have a problem with my parent but treat me like a human being who cares about her gran. I mean FFS the note I got in with the details from co-op this morning only had a passing "I hope this finds you well" was signed yours faithfullly x. surname. Hardly what you send your great neice (and goddaughter) at Christmastime is it.

[sitandnatter]

Mrs Twinks, they've probably exhaused doing all of the caring on their own. I think you need to stop being so precious and you havent' been the one there for her neither has your Dad, for very good reasons, but nevertheless you haven't been able to be there.

I am my mothers main carer, have been for years, I know better than anyone what she wants on her death as we've discussed it over the years. Be grateful to your family for their care they have given to her and let go of your misplaced anger is my advice.

[elfyrespect]

But they are keeping you involved by letting you know. She's still alive, so this funeral isn't happening yet. This is yours, and your dad's, opportunity to discuss contributions you'd like to make.

[BlueFergie]

I would contact the bank. They are under an obligation to ensure that vulnerable clients are not been taken advantage of. They can freeze access to account if they believe this to be happening. My father was a bank manager and he has done this. Even with the elderly lady sitting in front of him with her daughter saying she wanted to sign over the money to her, he refused. They have a duty of care. If you contact them and inform them of your grandmothers state and your belief that she was not capable of signing over her accounts they can investigate.

[mynewpassion]

Word of caution -- before you go flying to the bank or accusing your Great-Aunt of fraud, talk to the care workers, facility, priest, and doctor first to see if they suspect her of anything untoward.

If they feel everything that your Great-Aunt is doing is above board, then your family needs to reel it in or step up to the plate more.

If not, then contact the bank and social services and the such.

In regards to funeral arrangements: you must have some idea of her finances and her upkeep costs. If she didn't have much money in the past, small funeral might be the way to go if the family isn't going to shell out the money.

So do some background work first before you start accusing or contacting the government authorities.

[Xales]

Her sister is daily looking after someone who is so aggressive you needed police to get her into an ambulance! It makes total sense to me for them to have access to her bank account to be able to make her life easier.

Do you honestly think they are doing an unrewarding, exhausting and emotionally draining thing like this just to screw her over financially (unless she has mega buck tucked away)? That in my opinion would be the brother who has already screwed her over and done a runner not the ones sticking around and helping look after and support her. The sister can't be a spring chicken herself and is watching the slow and nasty deterioration of the sister she has known all her life and probably loves her as much as you.

How would you feel if you were dealing with this day in, day out at the dirty end of the mine while family who drop in every few months or longer if your father saying we want to be consulted. That is not always practical or realistic on a daily basis.

Maybe they have not gone about the funeral stuff in the best way however you could use this as a chance to talk to them, open up communication and see what you or your father could do to help someone in the nasty position of watching a loved one deteriorate and having to think about these things.

There may not be enough money for more than one car unless you or your father want to pay and considering he has thought of 'going for them legally over it' and he 'doesn't deal with them' why the hell would they contact him?

You want them to run around daily after your gran and consult with you/your father over everything when he doesn't deal with them?

I think you are being very unreasonable.

[MrsTwinks]

Zales, as I stated she is in a home, they visit once a week at best. Thats hardly daily looking her daily. They visit her in a place where professionals look after her. And my Dad doesn't deal with them anymore as last time he tried and rang up they hung up and told him never to call again. Only reason he tried legally is he was worried about Gran. Maybe I am BU but your points are way off base.