To expect my children to be bathed?

[SacreLao]

Bit of background.

I have been seperated from the father of my two children for 5 years now. They are 9 and 7 years old and spend 3 full days a week at his home, consecutive days so Sunday night - Wed night for example.

The last couple of weeks they have been returned they have been a bit smelly, not really bad just not a clean smell and DD hair has looked a bit greasy. On asking the children when they had a bath I was told they had not had one.

This happened 3 weeks in a row and I thought he must be washing them at least but both children say no.

Sent a quick text to ex saying 'did you bath kids this week as DD has a rash (she is allergic to some bath products so thought it would be a good way to ask without sounding like I was acusing him'.

He replied with 'no, I never bath them. They are not here long enough'

AIBU to think a child NEEDS a bath at least every 3 days and that it is pretty disgusting for them to not be washed or bathed during this time?

Thinking about ringing him and telling him they must be bathed, they will smell at school! The younger child regularly wets the bed and STINKS of urine this week on his return.

Older child is able to run a bath herself and get washed and dried etc. so no reason for him not to allow her to but she said she feels cheeky asking and dad never tells her to go for one.

I have not yet asked but I am also doubtful that the children brush their teeth at his house as they look pretty bad when they return.

WIBU to speak to him about this and insist it changes?

[EricNorthmansMistress]

He has prescription nappies due to this as the doctors have said it is incontinence to a degree but his dad will not use them.

I wouldn't send him overnight TBH if it were me. I just wouldn't. He lets him get covered in urine when he had a medical issue, and never washes it off? I mean :( That's horrendous.

[Birdsgottafly]

I would want to know what the bed was like that he has to sleep in, if he is soiling it and the ex has no concept of hygeine.

This will impact on their self esteem if it doesn't get better.

[MajorBOO]

As an aside, if they (your ex and his partner) are not the type of people to ensure children in their care are clean, do you know that they are cleaning the bedding every night, and cleaning & drying out the mattress?

In my mind that's a much more time consuming job than bathing a child, and if they can't be bothered to do simple-care, do you know they are doing the other stuff, or could your poor DS be sleeping in a urine soaked bed at night as well?

[minimisschief]

well if he has them 3 days and you bath them every three days why does this even matter. just bath them before they go.

at 9 and 7 they should be able to do it themselves surely

[northcountrygirl]

Sacrelao - you are absolutely right. If your daughter is starting to show underarm hair she will (if she isn't already)start to be prone to BO. I have always bathed or showered my kids as part of their night time routine but I would say this has been vital since the age of 8 or so for hygeine reasons. I can tell if my 11 year olds have even missed one day of showering as my daughters hair looks greasy and they both stink of BO.

And the younger one will undoubtedly smell of piss. Even if he has pull ups on he would still need a good wash "down there" in a morning.

At this age (in fact any age really), kids can be cruel and you don't want yours being picked on for being smelly. You absolutely must speak to him about this because it's really nit on. (And I do sympathise cos he sounds like an arse).

[squeakytoy]

At 9 and 7 they are old enough to know to brush their teeth, but as an adult he should be capable of ensuring it is done morning and night.

A daily bath isnt necessary, but daily washing certainly is. They must look like little urchins going to school, and that is unfair on them and close to abuse.

If he isnt able or willing to ensure his children are cared for in the most basic of ways, then he shouldnt have them overnight.

[pigletmania]

footprints the ds as SN so its not that easy. I would say to him unless he allows the children to bathe or shower he cannot have them overnight.

[warthog]

is he changing the wee-ed on bedding?

[pigletmania]

Not allowing the ds to use his nappies despite having a medical condition that warrents prescription nappies . I personally would not allow them overnight, especially ds.

[pigletmania]

and not washing him afterwards is neglect. How is the bedding like I wonder?

[Tryharder]

I agree with others. If your XH and his DP can't be arsed to make sure your DCs are clean then I would be surprised if they bothered to change wet bedding etc.

I don't think your domestic set-up sounds that great. Your XH hasn't got his own house - he's staying with someone else to whom the house belongs. I wouldn't want my children to be living half the week in a house that they didn't feel was theirs. I would be looking to review the arrangements. Perhaps they could stay with him every other weekend?

[northcountrygirl]

To be honest only my 11 year old daughter would have the inclination to keep herself clean. Her twin brother would quite happily never wash and never brush his teeth. This was proved when he went to camp and did not wash himself or clean his teeth for the full 7 days. He had to have a filling when he got back (his only one). And even now he still needs reminding. He doesn't have SN or anything - he's just lazy and grubby.

It needs to be the parent that overseas their hygeine until they get into the habit of doing it for themselves. Don't know when this would be to be honest as I still haven't acheived this with my own grubby child....

[margerykemp]

Your ex is bordering on neglect of the dcs. Does his partner have kids? Do they get bathed. Tbh if the 9yo doesnt feel comfortable bathing there then she she should be there at all. Did the coirt order this amount of contact? As it see+s like a lot.

[SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood]

It only seems a lot because of the situation. If he was a fit parent, surely it would be reasonable?

[TheProvincialLady]

Do you have a court order forcing you to send the children? If not I would refuse to let them go, as their father is quite plainly neglecting them - in particular your poor DS. If you do have a court order I would seek legal advice. This can't go on.

[CardyMow]

Wet bed + no pull-up = Shower in the morning. I had to do that with DD for YEARS. (She also has SN, didn't stop bed-wetting until she was 12y7m).

9yo, NT = Responsible for own self-care. My 9yo has just been upstairs, run his own bath, washed himself, dried his hair with the towel and come downstairs in his dressing gown. He will brush his own teeth just before bed. A 9yo with no SN should be old enough to be responsible for brushing their own teeth twice a day and bathing themselves.

[eurochick]

This is harsh, but your kids are undoubtedly known as the smelly kids at school. They might not know it but I am sure it is being said behind their backs. And they will find out at some point.

They don't deserve it. You really have to tackle your ex on this. And make him put the nappies on your SEN 7 yr old.

Poor kids.

[TheDetective]

YADNBU. I get fucked off with DS's dad for not encouraging him to shower every day!! DS is 9, and its always been routine for him to shower and wash hair every day. He is very active, playing football, running around all day. He needs daily showers. But every time he is at his dads, his dad won't let him use the shower. He also sends him to school in non-ironed visibly creased to hell uniform. I fail to see why I as a parent should be taking the responsibility for his hygiene and appearance when he is with his other fully 'responsible' parent. He is just as capable as me to tell ds to shower, dry his hair, and and iron his clothes!!!

I'm with you on this. His dad sounds like a lazy fucker, and the partner no better.

[northcountrygirl]

My 11yo NT still needs reminding though. I know he SHOULD be able to do it himself but he just doesn't. He always looks surprised when I remind him and says he just forgot.

It's the parents job IMO to remind them.

I think I would also be very very reluctant to send my kids there if it were me. I know he's their Dad but if he can't even cover the basics such as personal hygeine what else is he missing? What about nutrition, education, discipline etc?

[KinkyDorito]

If your DS goes to school smelling of urine he might attract a child protection referral as teachers are told to look out for signs of neglect, and this is one. If it is happening regularly the school might take action.

[SacreLao]

The 7 year has SEN so cannot safely bath himself, has no concept of hygiene etc. it must all be done for him.

The 9 year is quite capable of running her own bath, washing herself etc. and does regularly at my home but she is a quiet timid child and generally if you don't tell her to go and wash then she won't.

Every 3 days for a bath would be fine if they were getting washed in between but they are not and as I mentioned the 7 year old bed wets and the 9 year old is starting to hit puberty meaning a very sweaty and smelly child if she is not washing often enough.

I think based on advice here I will speak to EX about ensuring the younger child who has SEN is bathed as he will smell of urine and will also speak to the 9 year old to tell her she MUST wash and bath and that she is to take responsibility for making sure she is clean.

PS. To those who question his parenting abilities - he has a lot of faults and it has become an issue of 'picking my battles' some things I have to let drop to fight more important issues. It's not ideal the way he is.

He has them 3 days a week as this was agreed when we first seperated and things were a lot better, a lot of this has only become an issue recently but he was living with his parents before this and they would have been ensuring the children were clean etc.

To reduce access or stop overnight's would be punishing the children more than him, especially my DS as he is unable to deal with changes in routine.

[flippinada]

I agree that this is tantamount to neglect, especially WRT your DS.

Urine not being washed off can result in infection and makes the skin sore - it can be really painful. Poor little miite.

It really doesn't sound appropriate for them to be staying that length of time as it doesn't sound like they are looked after properly.

Is there a particular reason why they have to stay that long?

[SacreLao]

No court order for access BTW and yes his partner has 2 children, they seem to be clean but have never got close enough to them to smell really as I don't know them.

It is a very new relationship.

Dad is good with everything else really, we disagree a lot on the care of DS as dad is not quite as interested in the SEN he has and how to deal with it but this is slowly starting to change now that dad see's the issues himself more, if that makes any sense.

He just has poor hygiene and TBH always has, it was a common issue when we were in a relationship.

[SacreLao]

Flip - No reason, it is just what was agreed when we seperated. The children are very close to him and we agreed it was only fair to split custody so I have 4 days and he has 3 days.

This has always worked very well when he was living with his parents and I had no concerns at all about their care other than the disagreements about DS's SEN but since he has been living with his new GF (nearly 2 months) the standard of care seems to be dropping slowly.

I think it is only fair to give him chance to rectify the situation before refusing or reducing access, this would punish the children as well as him and dosn't quite sit right with me. I am very carefull that the children are never used as weapons and threats to reduce / stop access are not used.

[flippinada]

Cross post.

SacreLao . To be a bit blunt, your DS will be suffering if he's not being washed after wetting himself. It's actually painful.

Can you, hand on heart, trust your XP to look after his children properly?

Because based on what you say here, he's not doing that.