To expect my children to be bathed?

[SacreLao]

Bit of background.

I have been seperated from the father of my two children for 5 years now. They are 9 and 7 years old and spend 3 full days a week at his home, consecutive days so Sunday night - Wed night for example.

The last couple of weeks they have been returned they have been a bit smelly, not really bad just not a clean smell and DD hair has looked a bit greasy. On asking the children when they had a bath I was told they had not had one.

This happened 3 weeks in a row and I thought he must be washing them at least but both children say no.

Sent a quick text to ex saying 'did you bath kids this week as DD has a rash (she is allergic to some bath products so thought it would be a good way to ask without sounding like I was acusing him'.

He replied with 'no, I never bath them. They are not here long enough'

AIBU to think a child NEEDS a bath at least every 3 days and that it is pretty disgusting for them to not be washed or bathed during this time?

Thinking about ringing him and telling him they must be bathed, they will smell at school! The younger child regularly wets the bed and STINKS of urine this week on his return.

Older child is able to run a bath herself and get washed and dried etc. so no reason for him not to allow her to but she said she feels cheeky asking and dad never tells her to go for one.

I have not yet asked but I am also doubtful that the children brush their teeth at his house as they look pretty bad when they return.

WIBU to speak to him about this and insist it changes?

[Dexifehatz]

Sorry,let me get this right your ex partner lets your son stink of piss because he hasn't got the time to bathe him? What a cunt.No wonder you got rid.

[SacreLao]

Fabby - No I don't send them with a wash bag as they have their own things at their dad's house. With have a mutual agreement where he does not pay any child support and I give him half the child benefit I claim and we split the cost of the children etc.

Means he buys school uniform for use on his days, I buy for my days etc.

Anyway spoke to dad this morning, not seen him mum yet but I usually bump into her at school pick up so will look out then.

Dad seemed rather embarased about the fact that I was bringing up their hygiene and said that he had not noticed them smelling etc. He did go on to say that DS's bedroom stinks due to the wetting and that may be causing the smell but that they have just replaced the mattress.

I used the chance to push the nappy issue again but he is still against it (thinks it will make him worse) but he has at least agreed to get a decent waterproof sheet to prevent soaked in smells and to wash him in the mornings.

He was trying to change the conversation so think he knew he was wrong and hopefully I managed to get the message across, now time to see how it goes.

I have told DD to make sure she has a wash and brush her teeth every morning and night and she is going to start doing this.

I will give it a week or two and see if the situation improves.

[mrskeithlemon]

YANBU.

I am having these issues with ds's dad at present, and as such he is now only allowed to have him overnight on a saturday and he has to be home by sunday tea time so I can bath him and get him ready for school, otherwise he goes in un ironed uniform and unwashed

[halcyondays]

Yanbu, if they were young children it would be fine for them to go 3 days with just a wash instead of a bath but if one is bed wetting and the other starting puberty then they should be having a bath or shower at their dad's. I can't understand why he won't let your ds wear his nappies to bed, that's silly and unfair to your poor ds.

And if your dd feels it's cheeky to ask for a shower, it doesn't sound as if she's very comfortable there, it's such a basic thing to ask for.

[flippinada]

Sounds like you have some good ideas for getting it sorted SacreLao and looks like speaking to your XP's mum is a good bet if she's receptive and supportive.

Your ex sounds like a bit of a numpty to be honest... not 'believing' he had SEN sounds very . I'm guessing he has form for this sort of behaviour.

I would make sure you keep a sharp eye on this.

If it doesn't get sorted in the long run, it may be best to reduce his access.

[wellwisher]

YANBU. Do you have any relationship with your ex's new partner? Could you talk to her about this? It's odd that she isn't doing anything about it, especially as she's a mum herself. Also odd that she's apparently territorial about her house but doesn't mind your DS "soaking" his bed there several times a week...

[northcountrygirl]

Fabby - why do you say "surely she would" send her daughter with a wash bag? She lives there half the time. Are you saying it in that manner just to make the OP feel bad?

[ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern]

I would actually speak to his Mum (as you get on so well) and say that you don't want to cause bad feeling over it but that DS isn't bathed or being put in his essential night nappies when he's there and he's getting teased at school (ahem - slightly proactive comment there!) and that DD would shower but doesn't feel she can ask... and ask her if there's anything she can do to help so that you don't have to cause an arguement...

Give DD a bag of toiletries to take and leave there (if she has somewhere to call her own there?!) and tell her that she's a big girl now and needs to be responsible for her own cleanliness - explain that at her age she will smell if she's not showering daily and it's not nice for her friends/teachers for her to go to school like that. Likewise with teeth cleaning.

[SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood]

They live half time at the fathers'. Presumably they have their own stuff there.

[FabbyChic]

Can you not send your daughter with a wash bag? With deodorant? Surely you would.

[wotestreetwilly]

I wouldn't think it was punishing the children not letting them see him. He sounds like a skanky piece of work. Kids aren't stupid.

I wouldn't stay at my dads house until it was all decorated, (he bought a cheap pit and did it up) but I'm a bit fussy and neurotic .

[SacreLao]

Kinky - Yes my DS is Autistic, he also has Global Development Delay, Sensory Processing Delay, ADHD and is almost non-verbal. Hence he really does need someone to deal with his personal care as he is unable to. I do strongly suspect that my EX is on the spectrum somewhere.

Amazing - My DD is quite timid so often says she feels uncomfortable / cheeky etc. She is quite shy around her dad's new partner. I am sure this will pass with time.

Flip - My DS has dealt with the new partner VERY badly, hence why I said earlier that dad is becoming more suportive of the SEN now he can see it. He did not believe a lot of the behaviour previously but now he is getting all the issue's at his house. I am on very good terms with his mum so it may be worth a mention as she is very pro-active and seems to be the only person EX actually listens to.

Thank you for the great advice everyone. I will broach the subject with EX and see how I get on. I will also be speaking to DD about ensuring she has a wash etc.

I have been meaning to find an excuse to drop over to his new home as I wanted to have a nosy at the general cleanliness of the home so this is a good opportunity.

I am not an obsessive cleaner by any standard and do not think that having an untidy home makes you a bad parent etc. but a certain standard of hygiene needs to upheld with young children (his partner's children are much younger than mine) and my DS needs a lot of baby proofing in the home due to his lack of understanding.

Will update how I get on tomorrow!

[TheBestWitch]

I would be more pissed off that he won't use the nappies tbh. Why does her prefer for him to lie in a soaked bed until he wakes - must be really uncomfortable for him. And demoralising to wet the bed night after night. As for not cleaning him after - I'm speechless.

[AmazingBouncingFerret]

It's not on. I also find it sad that your DD would find it "cheeky" to ask for a bath in her own dad's house, surely it is just as much her home as his, considering she stays so often.

[Sirzy]

Can you send your DD with wipes so she can at least wash herself down in her room when getting dressed? Not ideal but better than nothing!

[SardineJam]

Just a thought re your son wetting the bed every night and smelling really bad, does your ex bother to change the bed sheets on a nightly basis because if his hygiene is already questionable and cant be bothered to ensure your children are washed and clean, what's a bet the bedsheets are clean? Oh and you certainly are NBU!

[TheProvincialLady]

It concerns me quite a lot that your daughter thinks it would be cheeky to ask for a shower. That whole situation is unhealthy. I think you are probably right to give your ex the chance to rectify the situation but I would set a very tight deadline and ensure he keeps it up. Your children will be bullied and it is the sort of thing that will travel with them long after the hygeine issue is sorted - if allowed to continue now.

[flippinada]

In the third sentence, I meant your DS - sorry if that wasn't clear.

[flippinada]

Another X Post!

I understand what you mean about not wanting to punish the children by reducing access.

But I would have real concerns as it does sound this is bordering on neglect, esp as your son has SN. And it's not like your XP just isn't aware - he is but sounds like he doesn't care.

You mention he doesn't like change in routine but clearly he had one when his Dad moved in with his new girlfriend. How did he cope with that?

A thought: if you are on good terms with his family, might they be able to speak to him about this?

[Sirzy]

Normally I would say 3 days is ok as long as they are having proper washes in that time. However, given the circumstances with both children then its not fair on the children to make them go that long without washing.

TBH if your DD feels so uncomfy there that she can't ask her father to have a wash I would be looking at reassessing the arrangement as it doesn't seem fair on the children.

[KinkyDorito]

What is your DS's SEN? The reason is because I wondered if it was autism as my DD is Asperger's and her hygiene is awful. Left her own devices she would do nothing. But, also, if your DS is on the spectrum, his dad might be too? Sorry if it isn't this - the bed wetting and poor hygiene are very familiar territory for me.

[flippinada]

Cross post.

SacreLao . To be a bit blunt, your DS will be suffering if he's not being washed after wetting himself. It's actually painful.

Can you, hand on heart, trust your XP to look after his children properly?

Because based on what you say here, he's not doing that.

[SacreLao]

Flip - No reason, it is just what was agreed when we seperated. The children are very close to him and we agreed it was only fair to split custody so I have 4 days and he has 3 days.

This has always worked very well when he was living with his parents and I had no concerns at all about their care other than the disagreements about DS's SEN but since he has been living with his new GF (nearly 2 months) the standard of care seems to be dropping slowly.

I think it is only fair to give him chance to rectify the situation before refusing or reducing access, this would punish the children as well as him and dosn't quite sit right with me. I am very carefull that the children are never used as weapons and threats to reduce / stop access are not used.

[SacreLao]

No court order for access BTW and yes his partner has 2 children, they seem to be clean but have never got close enough to them to smell really as I don't know them.

It is a very new relationship.

Dad is good with everything else really, we disagree a lot on the care of DS as dad is not quite as interested in the SEN he has and how to deal with it but this is slowly starting to change now that dad see's the issues himself more, if that makes any sense.

He just has poor hygiene and TBH always has, it was a common issue when we were in a relationship.