help! I married (well, I haven't yet. I'm sposed to be. But I may tell him to poke it) a REPTILE

[SpringHeeledJack]

My partner is a quite nice lad as a rule, but he is a reptile. He does not feel what I consider to be normal human emotions eg love, guilt, empathy etc- just a general sort of crossness (no frozen mice in fridge) happiness (fridge full of frozen mice) and so on

As a result, I have to cover for his reptileness for his family. This includes- gently prodding him to visit, phone, buying lavish gorgeous well chosen socks presents for them for which he takes full credit, etc etc

bear with me, please...

this week, more than usually, have been prodding him a bit frequently. His elderly mum is ill, his niece has had a baby (awwww, , it's a cute baby, too. Much cuter than normal babies), his sister (dn's mum) is feeling it a bit, iykwim

as a result have spent all week wondering when I can schedule baby present buying, where to go, what to get, when to visit. Honestly. I have put things out on Twitter and everyfing. I've asked him how much cash we can spare, nudged card buying. And looked at lots of websites. No, really, it's been vair, vair hard.

Yesterday d(reptile)p texts me to suggest we send dn some flowers instead. I have texted back to say no, no, not flowers, she's only young and in a little flat, won't have vases and stuff- let's send her some money for now and she can get a chinese and fizzy booze, then we can get her a Proper Present.

Last night he's on the phone to SIL (as a result of me poking, again) and I overhear him say "I wanted to get dn some flowers, but Jack says don't bother because she's only 22 and they're too expensive"



Thank you to anyone who's read this far

Now. AIBU to turn his fucking heat lamp off and kick him in the scaly face???

AM I???

[TheControversialJessie]

Close family shouldn't get flowers for new mothers.

Flowers should be (and were) appreciated as a kind gesture from disant family/kind friends. Basically, those who cannot be reasonably expected to know what would be more useful to buy, or indeed expected to spend money on one at all.

Close family, like uncles and fathers, should invest the money more appropriately.

[KouklaMoo]

Jack, I'm afraid to say that complete 'non-responsiveness' to any family situation (eg sister's birthday) is typical to withdrawal of wifely curbing natural lizard behaviour.

If anyone has any tips on how to get lizards to phone their own father once in a blue moon, I would be glad to hear them.

[MrsChemist]

His family probably know of his Lizardy-ness, and know that you make him do stuff. They are just keeping quiet because they enjoy him making an effort.

If you stop, they probably won't even blink an eye because reptiles can't blink

[Salmotrutta]

[KouklaMoo]

I've given up interfering now tbh, my dh comes from a family of reptiles [hgrin]

[KouklaMoo]

I think you should go with the chopping off the tail suggestion...

[SpringHeeledJack]

thanks for all the support here



and Koukla I think there is a bit of reptile in the family

still, I can talk. My family are mostly rhinos

[Salmotrutta]

Is it not perhaps amphibians that can regenerate tails?

Although lizard tails can break off as a defence against predators catching them -

Someone will google in a minute (I can't be a*d)

[Salmotrutta]

[TheControversialJessie]

Turn off his heat lamp!

[Salmotrutta]

Look, go and get him a handful of live crickets and say you are sorry ...

[TheControversialJessie]

I know this is supposed to be a funny thread, and your writing is funny. But...

Seriously, he shifted the blame for his own laziness and procrastination to you, and claimed you'd said his niece wasn't worth the expense of flowers. That's nasty, cowardly, backstabbing behaviour.

[Blueberties]

well salmon

I'm thinking of a gekko

I don't know what that is

[SpringHeeledJack]

he said his sister "would know that I meant we'd get a proper present later, and that you meant it for sensible/practical reasons" waffle waffle

how she would intuit this from the material given to her I have no clue, Jessie

[cureall]

Ha! Ha! Just saying cheers for most vair amusing post; he does sound a bit reptiley so treat him as such, keep him fed and watered etc.

But remember you can't change a reptile's natural behaviour and you are building a massive rod for your own back if you try. It sounds like you love him, so accept him, offer guidance in terms of cards, presents etc but let him go his own way or he will feel trapped and possibly become dangerous.

[SpringHeeledJack]

I am thinking less lizard/snake/crocodile etc

more turtle/tortoise

so rather than bag am considering making him into an ashtray

[SpringHeeledJack]

let him go his own way or he will feel trapped and possibly become dangerous

[toddlerama]

I'm married to a reptile too. His family now don't like me because I don't make him call them/send cards etc.

[SpringHeeledJack]

this is a sort of a tradfam, too, toddlerama, iykwim

if any of the reptile men slip up, their laydeez would get the

[TheVermiciousKnid]

LTR!

[TheControversialJessie]

Basically, he's good at coming up with an excuse on the spot, then?

[cureall]

OOH NOOO!!! Please don't cry! I just meant reptiles are reptiles and recognizing them as such is the most important step! Seriously your SIL will know you well enough (I expect?) to see through what he's told her and you can put her straight next time you see her anyway...
I've known reptiley men however and any attempt to 'micro manage' them as someone else put it, has never been successful for me. Being a reptile is like being a smoker - he has to recognise he has a problem and ask for help, you can't browbeat him into being a docile and receptive reptile. Not unless you hit him very, very hard anyway.

[SpringHeeledJack]

cureall I was laughingcrying



Jessie he said he really wasn't trying to make me look crap

he genuinely couldn't see what on earth I was cross about

[NorfolkBroad]

OP you write really well!!! I know you are fed up and frustrated but your post was so comical!

Anyway, I would also find this really difficult to cope with. I am gay myself so can't comment in depth on what it is like to be with a bloke in a relationship but my friends do say similar things about their DPs!!! In my own family it is definitely the women who do the present purchasing etc. Is he lovely in lots of other ways or might you need to get a new, different sort of pet?!

[Salmotrutta]

Ok, Ok I gave in and Googled:

lizards don't do it properly

It's interesting - we were both right.