Am i being unreasonable

[housewife19]

To be totally p***off at the fact that my DD's boyfriend of 4months turned up at her door less than one week after moving into university.
I felt as it was her first time living away from home we would all give her a little time to settle in. She hadnt even finished her Freshers week and he had arrived.
I feel really annoyed that he hasnt given her space although she probably doesnt see it like that, im skypeing her later and dont want to upset her but ive been awake all night worring that he will be there all the time and she wont make a new circle of friends arghhh bloody blokes.
Come on mums give me some advice please

[NeilsBoar]

DW and I met in a gap year before university and saw each other every weekend when I was in the UK and roughly fortnightly while I was abroad for a year. We commuted to each other alternate weekends.

I don't feel I missed out on any social activities; in fact on the weekends we didn't meet up I found it a bit odd how quiet everything was as most of the socialising seemed to occur during the week (lots of students went home at weekends - not all students went home every week, but a big enough proportion each week to be noticeable).

Plus we went out with groups of friends at each other's universities.

We've now been together for over 10 years, married and with a DS who is 2.5, have 2 undergraduate and 2 postgraduate degrees between us and both have decent jobs. We also both still have close friends from university who we are still in touch with years after graduating.

I think unless you were worried about his behaviour/the relationship before she went to university I really wouldn't worry about them meeting up regularly once she is.

[BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead]

PS, just in case OP, just so you know more of my "warning" signs, in my sisters case her XP didn't go to uni, nor did he work. He clung to her for all of her free time, she didnt socialise at all without him (or without paying for him!), and she wasn't in halls so he dossed in her house when she was in lectures.
The other posters have all said that he will have his own stuff to do, which if he is a normal person he will. Not saying he is definitely an abusive twat if he doesn't work/go to uni either though, just that it might be best to keep an eye on things if this is the case!!
Again, I don't want to scaremonger, just thought it would be fair to share a negative experience :)

[worraliberty]

PMSL @ 'arseboy'

I sometimes wish I wasn't this childish

[waterrat]

blimey, there is a big leap from teenage boyfriend wanting to see his girlfriend - which is, as I remember it, totally normal - to stalker psycho!

teenagers aren't great at waiting for things or seeing too far into the future - they aren't sensible enough to say 'oh I want her to make friends, I won't visit her.' He misses her and wants to see her, that's far more normal!

I had a boyfriend when I started uni, he came to see me during freshers week and met a lot of my friends, came to the freshers ball with me - I don't remember it having any impact at all on meeting people. I had an amazing time at university and met people in that first week who are still my best friends 12 years on.....re. the boyfriend I dumped him a few weeks later because I was having too much fun and couldn't be bothered to keep it going with him! Seriously - I think its very normal that he wants to visit her here - he loves her, wouldn't you want to visit your partner if they moved somewhere new?

In all probability it won't last, but let them make those decisions. Seriously - of course he wants to visit her, she is a grown up now, she will be fine.

[Pagwatch]

It is really hard to tell to be honest.

I can understand your wanting your dd to have space in her new life. Al the 'she's an adult ffs sake" comments are a bit unpleasant really. She is an adult but you don't drop them at uni and stop giving a shit otherwise anyone ever fretting about a dc in terms of their marriage or post natal problem etc would be being unreasonable too.
So I can understand any valid concerns you may have. However that does not mean you are entitled to do anything other than support her. Skype her by all means but only to check she is ok and not to lecture her. You are not entitled to do that based on what sounds like irritation rather than real concerns.

Do you have any reason to believe this visit was anything more sinister than an attempt at a romantic gesture?

[Dirtydishesmakemesad]

when I went to uni my then boyfriend actually found a job in the same city (hundreds of miles away from where we started out) and moved with me the first week. I had a great time at uni and did pretty well out of it. He is now my dh and father of my 5 children . There was no question in our minds even at that age that we would be together for the long term and so him moving with me was the logical step!. Leave her to it, she is an adult now I would not mention it at all when you speak to her.

[AnaisB]

Well, they may be madly in love or he may be a stalker (or somewhere in the middle?). Either way she's an adult now so I think you need to be pretty tactful if you decide to say anything to her.

[BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead]

I know worral like I said, its just something that bothers me cause thinking about it retrospectively, maybe we could have done more to stop it... :(

I did say I didn't want to panic the OP, of course I don't want that, and that it can be normal behaviour to follow your teenage OH like a puppy And I did point out that we hated arseboy all along, which the OP hasn't said so hopefully she likes him (though she didn't say she liked him either)
I tried to make my post (and subsequent) as balanced and non-scaremongery (not that that's a word!) as possible :)

[Peachy]

Look at the reverse side: my sister's BF never went to see her (couldn't afford it really and working all shifts), she only went away to do lasconversion from HND to degree but in teh end they missed each otehr so much, they couldn't get time together ever with clashing shifts and whatnot, so sister pakced her degree in and came back to marry him.

It might work well for her.

[TeenageWildlife]

My DD spent her freshers seeing her new BF who lived miles away. One year on she has just split with him and is going hell for leather into the next freshers drinkfest in a way she didn't do first time around. It's not the end of the world - she has left home and can do whatever she likes. That's the hard bit.

[wigglesmonsterock]

I met my boyfriend at 17, I went away to University in a different country at 18, I was bloody miserable I didn't want to go, miserable wouldn't cover how bad I felt. My boyfriend got a ferry (no mean feat then ) sat on a coach for 10 hours, to tell me that I would be alright and that I didn't have to go to University just because my mum didn't! It was perhaps the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me. We've been together for 20 years.

[GypsyMoth]

Is she in halls? Doubt he would be allowed in.

[Booooooyhoo]

also OP this boy is likely to have work or uni to attend himself so it's unlikely he will be there all the time. now if he relocated to where she is, that would be worrying. this is just a visit though right?

[VampiresWearBlackVelvet]

Och, just a boyfriend wanting to see his girlfriend, and perhaps a controlling mother who wants to be the first to turn up at her door..??

I'm not getting any alarm bells here.

I'm sure this young woman will deal with her boyfriend the way she sees fit.

[worraliberty]

Beyond I'm sorry you've had a bad experience but surely even you must know, you can't really go through life scaring others because of it?

Of course if the OP had said she was worried about the boyfriend being controlling or being a bad person etc...your comments would be very helpful to her.

But really I think it's all about balance when we bring our own experiences to others if that makes sense

[notso]

How do you know your DD didn't invite him to stay?

[BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead]

As I said as well...

BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead Mon 10-Oct-11 11:49:24
"I don't want to scaremonger, I do also accept that they could just be young and in love. I didn't go to uni as I didn't want to leave my XP!!"

[BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead]

Normally I would agree hobnobs and Worral
Normally I am hysterical laughing at the "leave him" brigade etc
Normally I advise that people are being paranoid and silly and well, just generally mumsnetty

Unfortunately I've had to share a real experience that has affected my family :( Should I not bother in future, just because, as I said myself, its unlikely?

[Booooooyhoo]

YABU

at age 18 i was so in love with my BF he would have been there with my on the first night. parents on the other hand could have visited at xmas

[kiki22]

Just because the boy turns up to see her at unio doesn't mean he's some sort of phsyco! I feel sorry for guys these days they can't win if there not there there wankers if they are there controling!!

Maybe he just simply missed her and wanted to see her, i'm sure she was more that happy to see a familiar face. Crazy idea but maybe just maybe they might go out together and make friends together?? or am i crazy to think that you can have a boyfriend and friends! Just because he's there doesn't mean she's not going to go out if anything she might be more likely to go out if she has someone she knows to go with.

[worraliberty]

Oh good lord only on mumsnet could "young man visits his girfriend" turn into "psycho abusive stalker" in less than 20 posts . FFS


My thoughts exactly, it's too funny

[housewife19]

Thank you for all your advice everyone, feel better just reading someone eles's take on things. I will keep calm and carry on i think my problem is im overanxious, over contolling and totally missing my baby .Plus i was a train wreck at her age and i so dont want her to be me .
Sorry about the Bloody Blokes bit "Merrylegs" ive got a DS to and if it was that way round id be saying Bloody Girls xx

[hobnobsaremyfavourite]

No there aren't LOTS there may be a minority but scaremongering like that is just bloody mumsnet bollocks at i's worst.

[vixsatis]

I think it is fine for him to visit from time to time (the odd night or weekend) but any more will drag her focus away from where she should be. This is especially true if she has gone away and he has not. If they're both away at different universities then he'll have a pull to his new life as well.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Psycho abusive stalker is an extreme example but there are lots of insecure, control freaks out there masquerading as love-lorn teens...