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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am i being unreasonable

45 replies

housewife19 · 10/10/2011 11:34

To be totally p***off at the fact that my DD's boyfriend of 4months turned up at her door less than one week after moving into university.
I felt as it was her first time living away from home we would all give her a little time to settle in. She hadnt even finished her Freshers week and he had arrived.
I feel really annoyed that he hasnt given her space although she probably doesnt see it like that, im skypeing her later and dont want to upset her but ive been awake all night worring that he will be there all the time and she wont make a new circle of friends arghhh bloody blokesAngryAngryAngry.
Come on mums give me some advice pleaseSad

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 10/10/2011 11:36

YABU.. she is an adult, she probably wants to see her boyfriend. None of your business anymore.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 10/10/2011 11:36

SHe is an adult now I'm sorry to say you just have to let her make her own choices
(and yes I'm a control freak and I'm sure this sort of thing will wind me up)

Nixea · 10/10/2011 11:37

At no point to you mention how your daughter feels about it! Surely that's far more important than any other factor!! YABU

GandTiceandacauldron · 10/10/2011 11:37

She's an independant adult now.

You'll have to cut the apron strings & let her make her own decisions & mistakes.

slavetofilofax · 10/10/2011 11:37

Let her deal with it herself. She is a big girl now. Let go.

She will either enjoy his presence, in which case it will be a good thing. Or his turning up will irritate her, and she will get rid herself.

Be glad she has a boyfriend that cares about her. There are worse situations for teenagers to be in.

HerScaryness · 10/10/2011 11:38

Does he show any signs of wanting to control her? It's setting a bell off in my head...

IloveJudgeJudy · 10/10/2011 11:39

I do agree with you. My cousin went to university and kept the same boyfriend. It stopped her taking part in a lot of university life. She no longer has the same boyfriend and regrets that she missed out on that time. She would do things differently now.

I think asking him to wait around until the middle of November is reasonable. If he's there in freshers' week she won't have to make friends as you say. I would ask her to give university a chance on her own and to make new friends as the boyfriend surely can't be there all the time for her, but her new friends that she makes, can be.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2011 11:39

YANBU... he sounds like a 'Klingon'. But you'll have to let her work that out for herself. You say anything and she'll do something truly tragic like get married & leave uni just to spite you.

ScaredBear · 10/10/2011 11:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marymaryalittlecontrary · 10/10/2011 11:41

I think I went to visit my boyfriend at his uni after my first week at mine, when I discovered that most people went home at the weekends, so the place was pretty much deserted (very small uni). At no point did I speak to my mother about her thoughts on the matter. I saw it as my life and my choice as to what I did while at uni. As it turned out we split in the second year anyway, and he hadn't stopped me from making friends.

Merrylegs · 10/10/2011 11:41

Well. No advice, but I feel your pain...

DS has just started at a fabby (and expensive!) new 6th form - loads going on, lots of extra-curricular stuff, social activities etc and he is forgoing it all to meet up with his new gf every day after school (she is at a different school).

I want to say to him you can do both! Don't put all your eggs in one basket! etc etc. But there's no telling them.

So YANBU to be frustrated, but YABU to say 'bloody blokes'. It is bloody teens and first love. V irritating that it all coincides with important stuff like Exams and Making Something Of Your Life and Taking Advantage of Every Opportunity.

However, on the plus side, most of the first few weeks of Uni is spent seeing who you can get off with, so at least that is out of the equation and she might just concentrate on the academic stuff.

worraliberty · 10/10/2011 11:41

She's probably missing him as much as he's missing her.

YABU...as other's have said she's an adult now.

squeakytoy · 10/10/2011 11:44

Does he show any signs of wanting to control her? It's setting a bell off in my head...

Oh come on.. they are young and in love.. they have only been together a few months so are still probably besotted with each other... of course they want to see each other!!! Why on earth should that ring any alarm bells... Hmm

SenoritaViva · 10/10/2011 11:45

I think you need to stop being so angry about it, you might be valid in being so (or it could be an overreaction) but remember you have the advantage of life experience!

I think you need to calmly say to DD, how was boyfriend's trip? Hope you had a good time. Say to her gently, 'sorry if you think that I want to interfere but I just want to get this off my chest... just be careful that it doesn't get in the way of you making your own independent life at university, there can be room for both friends and boyfriends, make sure it doesn't get in the way of your studies or making new friends and having a wonderful time.' That, or something along those lines, would be reasonable. Then it's up to her whether she listens to your advice or not.

BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead · 10/10/2011 11:46

"There are worse situations for teenagers to be in."
Dont want to panic you OP, but this is ringing alarm bells for me. My little sisters XP followed her to uni. He was a controlling wanker and abusive to her, the extent of which she wont talk about but is still in therapy for PTSD :( Threatening to kill her and her family if she left him for anything he did.
We didnt know how bad it was, though we did think he was an arse. We didnt say anything to her, thinking she was a teenager and would realise in time what a twat he was (which luckily she did, when she met her lovely now DP), and just rebel if we told her we didnt like him...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2011 11:48

@squeakytoy... don't you remember this story in the papers recently about the young woman that discovered her online stalker was, in fact, the boyfriend she'd left at home when she went to uni? He set himself up as her stalker because he wanted her to run to him for protection. There are some weirdos out there.

BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead · 10/10/2011 11:49

PS, I don't want to scaremonger, I do also accept that they could just be young and in love. I didn't go to uni as I didn't want to leave my XP!! Grin

Just thought it would be irresponsible of me if I didn't mention my sister, even though I hope that's not is what's happening here :)

LaWeasel · 10/10/2011 11:49

I wouldn't worry about it unless he IS actually stopping her from going out and meeting new friends.

I got to know a couple of my hall's gf/bfs really well as they were often around, but just as keen to socialise as everyone else was.

slavetofilofax · 10/10/2011 11:50

FFS! There are always going to horror stories, but there are plenty of teenage boys and girls going to visit eachother at uni. The vast majority will be completely harmless!

OP didn't say anything about disliking the boyfriend, or being at all uneasy about him. She just said she didn't want him visiting. There is a difference.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 10/10/2011 11:50

Oh good lord only on mumsnet could "young man visits his girfriend" turn into "psycho abusive stalker" in less than 20 posts . FFS

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2011 11:52

Psycho abusive stalker is an extreme example but there are lots of insecure, control freaks out there masquerading as love-lorn teens... Wink

vixsatis · 10/10/2011 11:53

I think it is fine for him to visit from time to time (the odd night or weekend) but any more will drag her focus away from where she should be. This is especially true if she has gone away and he has not. If they're both away at different universities then he'll have a pull to his new life as well.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 10/10/2011 11:53

No there aren't LOTS there may be a minority but scaremongering like that is just bloody mumsnet bollocks at i's worst.

Original poster
housewife19 · 10/10/2011 11:56

Thank you for all your advice everyone, feel better just reading someone eles's take on things. I will keep calm and carry on Smile i think my problem is im overanxious, over contolling and totally missing my baby Sad .Plus i was a train wreck at her age and i so dont want her to be me .
Sorry about the Bloody Blokes bit "Merrylegs" ive got a DS to and if it was that way round id be saying Bloody Girls Smile xx

OP posts:
worraliberty · 10/10/2011 11:57

Oh good lord only on mumsnet could "young man visits his girfriend" turn into "psycho abusive stalker" in less than 20 posts . FFS

My thoughts exactly, it's too funny Grin

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