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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that sexless marriages

64 replies

JustBinIt · 06/10/2011 23:19

Are very sad and those who claim to be happy in them are in denial?

OP posts:

Ifancyashandy · 06/10/2011 23:47

Do you think single people who are not having sex are also sad?

solidgoldbrass · 06/10/2011 23:54

If one person in the marriage is asexual and honest about it, the other person has the options of leaving the marriage, agreeing to seek other sexual partners under mutually acceptable rules (eg not in the marital home, not anyone the asexual partner knows or has to see on a regular basis, whatever) or deciding that s/he is happy to live an asexual life as well. Of course there is also the option of having other sexual partners and not telling the asexual partner, but this tends not to be sustainable for very long.
People can be happy in sexless marriages as long as both partners have fairly low libidos and a great deal of respect and liking for one another. Level of libido is on the same sort of sliding scale as hetero/homosexuality, most people are somewhere in between the extremes and may shift one way or the other if influenced by a partner.

PootlePosyPerkin · 06/10/2011 23:55

Well, with a combination of a miscarriage followed by an 8 month pregnancy where I was sick every single day & in hospital for much of the time and then a birth which is taking a while to physically recover from (without giving TMI & making you all feel queasy), I have had a pretty much sex free marriage over the past year. Quite a miracle we managed to conceive DD really . Doesn't mean we have an unhappy or unloving marriage though. What you seem to be suggesting is a rather sweeping generalisation IMHO.

BertieBotts · 06/10/2011 23:58

The other might be as well?

Point is, if they are happy then it's none of your business whether they have sex or not, but if you're trying to understand "happy sexless marriages" without wishing to offend a particular friend who is in one, then fair enough. But I don't think that was the point of your OP.

If you think they are lying then what does posting here achieve anyway? I think it's a bit sad to assume that you can only have a full and happy life if you're having regular sex, TBH. It's a bit all or nothing for me. I'd rather not have sex again unless it's always going to be fantastic. Lucky for me DP is either fantastic or uninterested

Original poster

JustBinIt · 07/10/2011 00:06

Ifancyashaddy no, i don't. That's different.

OP posts:

Shakey1500 · 07/10/2011 00:11

What's so difficult in accepting that, if a couple are in a sexless marriage and say they are happy, that they mean they're lying?

Just because YOU believe them to be lying doesn't necessarily mean they ARE.

Shakey1500 · 07/10/2011 00:12

Sorry that should read "what's so difficult.........that they are telling the truth"

Shakey1500 · 07/10/2011 00:13

GAH! You know what I mean!

YankNCock · 07/10/2011 00:13

I think a sexless marriage can be happy, provided that is what both partners want. It's when one partner decides they don't want to have sex any more and then declares that the other partner must follow suit--that IS a recipe for unhappiness.

Pixel · 07/10/2011 00:19

Or just maybe one of them has a medical condition but the other is mature enough to know that sex isn't the only thing that makes a good marriage and a happy family? Some people do mean it when they say "in sickness and in health" you know. But no, it has to be denial, or being 'a bit sad', obviously.

GeneralDisarray · 07/10/2011 00:24

very intelligent comment solidgoldbrass

solidgoldbrass · 07/10/2011 01:10

Pixel: That's all very well if the non-ill partner has a moderately low libido. If the non-ill partner has a high libido there is going to be a limit on the time s/he can live without having sex, without the hope of having sex, before s/he becomes very unhappy. Single people with high libidos are free to seek sex, the high-libido person in a relationship with someone whos libido has dwindled is not free to move on without being condemned by society unless both partners are strong, brave and open-minded.

rshipstuff · 07/10/2011 02:51

Does once a month count as sexless?

KellyKettle · 07/10/2011 03:27

DH & I didn't have sex for about a year, for similar reasons to Pootle.

It was hard because he thought it meant I didn't love him really and I felt so disgusted at my post-baby/3rd degree tear/repaired vagina that I couldn't ever imagine wanting sex again.

We were both unhappy with our sexlife but happy with our marriage - which is why we're still together (& expecting DC2). Counselling helped.

Although sex is a big part of our relationship (well, not currently as I'm 37+1) it wasn't the whole basis of our relationship so I conclude YABU OP.

sunhat · 07/10/2011 03:44

Here Here Pootle and Kelly Kettle.

And what about if you have a bout of cancer or something.

I mean jee whizz OP.

ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 07/10/2011 03:50

Well, tbh, if both people in the marriage / relationship are happy, why does it matter what anyone else thinks? Or, OP, did someone make you the Grand Authority on whether couples are sad / cheating / in denial? FWIW, when I was anorexic, DP and I didn't have sex for well over a year. I hated myself, you see, so couldn't bring myself to be naked around anyone, even DP. Plus I was way too hungry and weak to muster up any enthusiasm for sex.

After my first MC, DP couldn't have sex with me for several months. Traumatised, confused, distraught, frightened of having sex and the same awfulness happening again. Now we have what is considered a normal sexual relationship. Finally.

Sorry, am rambling. Essentially, OP, it is not for you to judge other people's sexual relationships. At all.

nooka · 07/10/2011 04:44

My parents have been 'chaste' for some time now. I don't know what my father feels about it to be honest, but they do appear to have a very happy marriage (just celebrated 50 years together). My mother's arthritis is now so painful that I think full on sex would probably be pretty much impossible now, but I don't think she has ever found sex very enjoyable. Which is sad., but I don't think there has ever been a shortage of love between them.

KittyFane · 07/10/2011 07:08

OP. Do you feel this way because your DP doesn't want sex with you anymore?

If the decision not to want sex is one sided, I can see why you would start this thread as I suppose it can be hurtful.

A mutually sexless relationship is a different matter, I can't see why it bothers you personally though.

Are you always this interested in other's sex lives?

pigletmania · 07/10/2011 07:38

justbinit thats a very broad and sweeping statement. Just because sex is important in your marriage does not mean that it is important in other marriages. There is a problem if one person wants sex and the other dosen't and this persists. But if both parties are happy with it, whats the problem?

pigletmania · 07/10/2011 07:40

For some sex is not important, they do other things which bring them physically and emotionally closer, sex is not the be all and end all you know!

pigletmania · 07/10/2011 07:48

some people don't like the sex act, they just don't find it pleasant is that a problem to you! Sex is more than just penetration, its about physical and emotional closeness. Some people just prefer foreplay. Its horses for courses, and its not up to you to decide whats right and wrong.

ScaredBear · 07/10/2011 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cheekeymonkey · 07/10/2011 09:37

I think kittyfane might have hit the nail on the head there.
It is much easier to make a sweeping statement than say "my husband doesn't want to have sex with me".
It's a very damaging and lonely feeling.

Jelly15 · 07/10/2011 09:41

There have been long periods in our twenty five year marriage where we have not has sex and other times where we have it often, but we have always been loving and happy.

aldiwhore · 07/10/2011 09:43

If both ARE happy, then I don't see the issue. If there are reasons why one can't/won't and the other supports them but would rather have sex, then I don't find that 'sad' I find that something to respect. If one is 'with holding' or playing games, that's mean.

The worst thing is to judge. When someone says they're happy, you don't have to believe them but don't see your own opinion as fact.

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