to not want to listen to friend going on and on and on about her divorce?

[oopslateagain]

Our local school has a regular Sunday boot sale, me and my mum always have a stall there to sell bits & bobs, and my friend S comes too and has a stall. We do it more for the fun of it as we never make much money! S usually comes to my house on Saturday afternoon and goes home Sunday evening. There is one coming up mid-October.

S is currently going through a divorce, 20 years of marriage and her DH had an affair and is now living with the other woman and her DCs. S and I have been friends since our DCs were little, just over 10 years now. She's a lovely person and a good friend. She is very insecure and wants a lot of reassurance over pretty much everything, she has always been like this but it's got a lot worse since she found out about the affair.

I understand that she wants (and needs) to talk about things, but whenever we meet up, she talks about nothing but herself, her problems, what can she do, is she doing the right thing etc etc. TBH by the time she goes home I am exhausted, though we always have a lovely time.

I've just found out that on the weekend of the Sunday boot sale, there is a smaller boot sale at another local school on the Saturday. Mum wants to do a stall there, but if I tell S, she will want to come on Friday evening and stay till Sunday, and TBH I really don't want her to. I have every sympathy with her situation but she absolutely wears me out. I have said to Mum that we can do the Saturday sale but not to mention it to S; I feel awful doing it but don't want her staying here for two nights.

AIBU to do this? I have a feeling I am.

[mumblechum1]

I feel your pain! As a divorce lawyer I have this multiplied by 48, but at least I get paid for it.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to limit the time you spend with her at the weekend and agree that you need to tell her that once she's got you up to speed with any developments, you'd prefer if you talked about happier things.

[oopslateagain]

kick in the pants... check...

I have spoken to my mum again today, she agrees that we should stick to the original plan of Saturday-Sunday and not extend it to include Friday. We'll say the boot sale on Saturday morning was a last-minute decision.

She is already 'moving on', in fact she just texted me to say she has a 'hot date' this week! She is making a new life for herself and her DD. I think I do need to push her a bit more to be more secure in herself and not keep ringing me for reassurance, her confidence has taken a bashing but reading your posts has made me realise I'm not doing her a favour by figuratively patting her hand.

[mumblechum1]

Let's hope she doesn't talk to her date about her divorce!

[nomoreheels]

Yanbu & I think some posters are being harsh. Boundaries are important & it doesn't mean you're not supportive. Plus you've said that you have some problems of your own that never get discussed, & friendship should be a two way street. I had a big crisis last year & reached out to my friends - & did talk a lot about it at the time. However I tried to be aware & make room in our conversations for their issues too.

[oopslateagain]

She texted to say she's ringing tonight... I have had to put her off as have lost my voice! She'll ring tomorrow and I will BAN her from saying the d-word to her date.

[Ilovedaintynuts]

YANBU

I assume you are a good friend usually but you are sick of the whinging and self-pity?

Of course we all need to be good friends and listen to people's problems. But, people can get very self-obsessed when bad things happen to them and it can be draining for others to have to constantly listen to.

We all have to give and take in relationships and you can't continue to take, take, take and expect people to keep giving. Friends like this can be draining.

I would continue to be a listening ear but limit yourself to a certain number of occasions.

[ConstanceNoring]

It doesn't sound like you're going to need your voice OP, just your ears!

I think you know you have to hang in there for her, it's hard when you're going through something like this, you do want to chew it over and over and over... but she's got a great friend in you and soon it will pass and you'll be glad you stuck with it.

Perhaps on the times when you're spending more than one day with her you could say, 'hey how about today we talk about other stuff, no divorce, you must be fed up of chewing it over' and then if she gets on to it try to gently divert her from it.

I know it's wearing to listen it, but hopefully you're on the home stretch now

[iFailedTheTuringTest]

Give the op a break. She wants to be a good friend and admits she is struggling.

[MotherOfHobbit]

I've been through a divorce following DHs affair and it's emotionally hell. I've had friends go through it to. Getting to talk things through, even if one person is doing most of the talking is IMO the best way to work through your feelings about it. I know it's emotionally draining on you but if you really are her friend, she could do with your support. It will get easier as time goes on and she works through it.