to not want to listen to friend going on and on and on about her divorce?

[oopslateagain]

Our local school has a regular Sunday boot sale, me and my mum always have a stall there to sell bits & bobs, and my friend S comes too and has a stall. We do it more for the fun of it as we never make much money! S usually comes to my house on Saturday afternoon and goes home Sunday evening. There is one coming up mid-October.

S is currently going through a divorce, 20 years of marriage and her DH had an affair and is now living with the other woman and her DCs. S and I have been friends since our DCs were little, just over 10 years now. She's a lovely person and a good friend. She is very insecure and wants a lot of reassurance over pretty much everything, she has always been like this but it's got a lot worse since she found out about the affair.

I understand that she wants (and needs) to talk about things, but whenever we meet up, she talks about nothing but herself, her problems, what can she do, is she doing the right thing etc etc. TBH by the time she goes home I am exhausted, though we always have a lovely time.

I've just found out that on the weekend of the Sunday boot sale, there is a smaller boot sale at another local school on the Saturday. Mum wants to do a stall there, but if I tell S, she will want to come on Friday evening and stay till Sunday, and TBH I really don't want her to. I have every sympathy with her situation but she absolutely wears me out. I have said to Mum that we can do the Saturday sale but not to mention it to S; I feel awful doing it but don't want her staying here for two nights.

AIBU to do this? I have a feeling I am.

[MotherOfHobbit]

I've been through a divorce following DHs affair and it's emotionally hell. I've had friends go through it to. Getting to talk things through, even if one person is doing most of the talking is IMO the best way to work through your feelings about it. I know it's emotionally draining on you but if you really are her friend, she could do with your support. It will get easier as time goes on and she works through it.

[iFailedTheTuringTest]

Give the op a break. She wants to be a good friend and admits she is struggling.

[ConstanceNoring]

It doesn't sound like you're going to need your voice OP, just your ears!

I think you know you have to hang in there for her, it's hard when you're going through something like this, you do want to chew it over and over and over... but she's got a great friend in you and soon it will pass and you'll be glad you stuck with it.

Perhaps on the times when you're spending more than one day with her you could say, 'hey how about today we talk about other stuff, no divorce, you must be fed up of chewing it over' and then if she gets on to it try to gently divert her from it.

I know it's wearing to listen it, but hopefully you're on the home stretch now

[Ilovedaintynuts]

YANBU

I assume you are a good friend usually but you are sick of the whinging and self-pity?

Of course we all need to be good friends and listen to people's problems. But, people can get very self-obsessed when bad things happen to them and it can be draining for others to have to constantly listen to.

We all have to give and take in relationships and you can't continue to take, take, take and expect people to keep giving. Friends like this can be draining.

I would continue to be a listening ear but limit yourself to a certain number of occasions.

[oopslateagain]

She texted to say she's ringing tonight... I have had to put her off as have lost my voice! She'll ring tomorrow and I will BAN her from saying the d-word to her date.

[nomoreheels]

Yanbu & I think some posters are being harsh. Boundaries are important & it doesn't mean you're not supportive. Plus you've said that you have some problems of your own that never get discussed, & friendship should be a two way street. I had a big crisis last year & reached out to my friends - & did talk a lot about it at the time. However I tried to be aware & make room in our conversations for their issues too.

[mumblechum1]

Let's hope she doesn't talk to her date about her divorce!

[oopslateagain]

kick in the pants... check...

I have spoken to my mum again today, she agrees that we should stick to the original plan of Saturday-Sunday and not extend it to include Friday. We'll say the boot sale on Saturday morning was a last-minute decision.

She is already 'moving on', in fact she just texted me to say she has a 'hot date' this week! She is making a new life for herself and her DD. I think I do need to push her a bit more to be more secure in herself and not keep ringing me for reassurance, her confidence has taken a bashing but reading your posts has made me realise I'm not doing her a favour by figuratively patting her hand.

[mumblechum1]

I feel your pain! As a divorce lawyer I have this multiplied by 48, but at least I get paid for it.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to limit the time you spend with her at the weekend and agree that you need to tell her that once she's got you up to speed with any developments, you'd prefer if you talked about happier things.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

YANBU... and you have to get tougher with her. Tell her you want to support her but that you don't think letting her rehearse the divorce story over and over and over while you sit there saying 'there there' is healthy. I've been there myself and my best friend actually did get to the point where she said 'enough'.... and made me move the conversation - and my life - on from where it had stagnated. It was absolutely the right thing to say at the time. Sometimes 'support' is a kick in the pants...

[chocolatehobnobs]

I think some people are being a bit harsh. After all you're not suggesting not seeing her, just limiting the amount of time you are together so that you can willingly listen and support without being badtempered. My mum was like this for about 4 years - it just gets a bit much after a while. I think a night out with the subject of her ex banned is a good plan. But not all in one weekend.

[Whatmeworry]

Its not healthy for her to dwell on her woes, you will be doing her a favour by only listening for one night :)

[fatlazymummy]

I also know exactly how the OP feels. I went through it with a friend a few years ago. Our friendship became very one sided and I actually found it very stressful.

[Hullygully]

I think it's fair to have Fri night off and save your energies for Sat/Sun.

I know exactly how you feel..

[Sassybeast]

So in your OP, she wants reassurance about her exs affair, but when criticised, you turn it into her focusing on paperwork?
The paperwork, the lawyers, the uncertainty and the grieving are all part of what makes the divorce process so stressful. Friendship is not conditional. If she had been bereaved or lost her home, would you place a time limit of offering her support? She obviously feels that she CAN talk to you and would probably be pretty devastated to know what you really think.

[oopslateagain]

dickie you sound like you've been there, done that. You've got it spot on.

She is a great friend, and I hope that I have been a great friend to her. I haven't been 'pretending' to feel her pain, as someone suggested in an earlier post. I really did feel her pain, and I've cried with her and spent nights holding her and talking about what went wrong. We've got through that, and have come out the other side.

Ruby I love that! Hippopotomus is a bit of a mouthful on several 's though, isn't it?

[dickiedavisthunderthighs]

Ruby, that's brilliant :)

I think a lot of posters here are being very unfair, and I'd like to see them spend a Saturday afternoon to Sunday night discussing one topic that has no resolution, not to mention being very emotionally draining.

As someone who was once on the receiving end of six months of relentless conversation, including anything from one to four hour phone calls, nights in pubs and restaurants, all about a relationship breakdown I have a lot of sympathy with OP. Even the best friendship has its limits.

OP, why not say "S, I really want to hear everything that's happening with the divorce and how things are progressing and how you're feeling. Let's have a good chat about that, and then how about we spend tonight having fun and not talking bad times and sad things; it's time to look to the future." And then if she starts slipping then you can good naturedly say "Come on S, we're not being maudlin/sad/talking about that tonight." and move the conversation to better things.

[Mumwithadragontattoo]

Friendship has to be a balance. It sounds as if you've been a good friend so far and I can understand you not wanting to always hear the minutiae of the divorce proceedings. YANBU to not mention the extra fair since you're already seeing your friend on the Sunday. I also think a code word is a great idea.

My mum has a tendency towards getting a bee in her bonnet about something (used to be the holiday rota at work before she retired) and then is impossible to get off the subject! Some gentle guidance is a good idea.

[BarbarianMum]

Sorry but I think you are being U. Friendships need to be equal (in terms of listening etc) over the long-term but in the short-term sometimes it is just your turn to listen. This is one of those times, I think.

[jeckadeck]

This is very tricky. Bottom line is that people going through these situations can become very self-obsessed and dull as a result of the depression and stress that the life change brings on. I'm always unsure as to where one needs to draw the line. As a good friend I think one should be prepared to listen and indulge a bit of navel gazing to help someone come to terms with their situation. On the other hand I don't think you are doing the other person any favours if you indulge them too much. If they want to get back into the world of dating and rebuild their life they are going to have to learn or maybe relearn social skills and that means not endlessly talking about themselves and wallowing in negativity. If this person was in the first throes of a divorce I would think that one should clear the decks to listen to it ad nauseam for a bit. But if its been going on for a year then I think gently suggesting that she make space for some other discussion topics/interests isn't unreasonable. As someone mentioned further up maybe set aside some time that you won't discuss the divorce and you will let your hair down a bit (probably the Saturday night) and let her let rip on the Sunday. That was you won't feel so drained, she will start to learn that she's got to move on but can still get things off her chest.

[RedRubyBlue]

My friend did this during her divorce and we told her and she issued us with the code word 'Hippopotomus'.

When she was going on too much about it we had to shout it at her

It worked very nicely.

[shineynewthings]

YABveryUnreasonable and horrid, sorry.

Divorce is sited as the N0.1 most stressful situation to go through bar death of a child or loved one.

It was a twenty year marriage! She probably lost her entire identity like many women mistakenly do during that time and now she has been cruelly dumped and cast to the side and looking at life as a Single Parent in her middle years.

I would be insecure as hell if something like that happened to me. And I'd hope that my friends wouldn't be pretending to feel my pain and then secretly posting how fed up they are on Mumsnet!

You know so many unhappy people don't talk about their problems because they think they can't keep repeating themselves over and over again and people will get bored. Or expect them to be over it by now. Or pretend to be happy.

As for it was a Year ago. That's no time to get over twenty years of marriage. And the divorce isn't even finalised. She's not had time to move on with her life.

Sorry to be so hard, but honestly I think you need to consider how you might feel if things were reversed. Best thing you can do is tell your friend to get counselling via her doctor so she'll have someone who won't think she talks about her problems too often.

[jumpyjan]

OP just saw your latest post .... hmmmm that does change things a bit. I thought it had just happened.

[jumpyjan]

OP I can sympathise that it must be a bit draining if it is talked about all the time but she obviously really needs and wants to talk about it and needs your support.

Her world has been turned upside down and she needs her friends. Imagine how she would feel if she found out. She is already feeling vulnerable.

You could try and steer the conversation to more positive things - the future etc. Though it sounds like she is not qyite there yet.

Invite her along. you will only feel guilty if you dont.

[oopslateagain]

Um, can I just point out - the divorce has been going on for over a year now, it should be finalized in the next month or so. She has got over the 'devastated' feelings, she is dating again and keeps ringing me up asking advice about whoever she's planning on dating next!

She talks about the nitty-gritty of the divorce itself, the lawyers, the paperwork. She's not wanting or needing a shoulder to cry on at this point.

Sorry if that wasn't clear at the start.