Why does my husband chose to spend his only day off at football rather than with us?

[stocks81979]

I have struggled with this question every week for the last 4 years. My husband works Mon-Fri gone from 6am - 7pm (as do I when I am not on maternity leave). Its one mad dash on weekdays dinner, bath and bed for the kids and by the time I return he has fallen asleep on the sofa. Fridays are the worst where husbands family visits they can't understand why they cant visit more or why we don't visit the rest of the family - LOL!

Anyway Saturday we are always doing chores (washing, cleaning etc), diy or he is working. So sunday is the only day remaining. Out of football season we go out together as a family me, my 4yr old, 2yr old and 10mth old and we love being with Daddy. But in football season he leaves at 9am and returns between 2pm and 4pm.

I just don't understand he was the one who wanted kids, he was the one who declared he would be there on the weekend when I had sleepless nights (not once!) before our 1st was born he said he would give up football to spend more time with us cause thats his priority.

What happened? Why does he choose to spend so much time at a local league football game? Why didn't his priorities change like he said? like mine did. Why are the kids 100% my responsibility? Why do I have to ask for him to help and say thank you if he does? We have been together 11 years and no matter what happens I have never understood his relationship with sports. Everytime he is in a room he has to listen to the scores of every football team, and take an interest in every sport thats being reported on.

Please help me to understand why he didn't change and I did? How can I bridge this gap when I have no interest in sports.

[cricketballs]

in terms of sport around the house - I had a second sky box installed so at least I could watch something other than sky sports news!

op - I understand that you are feeling like you are holding the lifeboat whilst dh has his me time; however, you have said that out of season he spends time with you. The times I have seen a wife stop a bloke playing Sunday football/cricket etc have ended badly and the marriage fail as resentment builds in.

Why don't you take dc to watch daddy play? You don't have to be there the full match but then your dc can see their daddy enjoy himself, have an active lifestyle etc then leave him for the hour he is in the pub with his team mates.

After 4 years, it is unfair for you to suddenly try to put a stop to it (see my note above) so try to work a way around it

[troisgarcons]

Ah he plays football? you didnt make that clear in your post.

Well, Im going to side with him on this one. You're a long time dead - better he's out playing football than turning into a couch potato and developing heart disease and diabetes.

I don't want him miserable I want him to want us more than football. Its clear I cant have that but why is that? What has football got?

Its 'tribal'. Bloke do that whole 'tribe' thing - its bit like hunting in a pack. They are genetically programmed to want to remain children - I cant think of any women I know that continue to play team sports once they leave school.

You shouldn't see it as coming second though. That isn't the case at all. It won't be long before he's too old to play. I'm afraid I'm all for an individual doing their own thing even when in a relationship.

When we got married I was taken aside by the other wives in our group and told I was 'letting the side down' and not 'controlling him enough' - because I don't mind him buggering off to Spain to play golf. Apparently I was allowing a dangerous precedent. We are the only ones still marrried in that group! You can't stop people having hobbies and interests. You knew he played football before you married him. You knew it was important to him.

However if you are that resentful of time out, then your relationship will be doomed because you will fester on it. You havent posted anything about the club set up - does it have its own club house or are they all down the pub for a swift half or three after the match? if thats the case then the other wives and girlfriends will be there. Why don't you go as well? It can be a social occassion for you too.

[fluffles]

i don't understand why you don't have family time on a saturday - then you can do your chores while he's at football sunday morning and he can do his when he gets back sunday afternoon (while you nip out for a walk or to the gym).

i actually think sport or other activity is really important (playing, NOT watching) to people's long-term physical and mental health.

[sleepevader]

And this is why I will never ever date a football fan again (if it all goes tits up with dp)

Always second best- it's like an addiction they can't break.

[fluffles]

and why the HELL are you doing bedtime alone while he falls asleep????

strikes me that if you sorted out bedtimes and saturdays there'd be plenty time for him to have half a day a week playing sport, staying healthy.

[OneHandFlapping]

"too many women try to change their menfolk into something they aren't. How can you bridge the gap?"

Too many men try to change women into something they're not - namely domestic serfs there to service their needs, and take care of their kids so they don't have to.

Can you even imagine a man asking "how can you bridge the gap?"

I'd be interested to know what hobbies the OP gave up when she had kids!

[sleepevader]

Just summarised this thread to DP- he says he's taking up football- I would love him try and survive til half time!

Seriously OP you need to get a better balance. Can't he play one evening instead non league?

[pink4ever]

I am that there are posters on here telling the op she is bu! Her dh is a selfish arse!! who needs to grow the feck up. The op works full time too-usually-spends her fridays entertaining his family and then has their kids all sunday by herself!

My dh has dropped hints about starting to play football-hell will freeze over! I already give up my sunday-every sunday- to visit his family-saturdays are spent on the kids activities so he would be expecting me to do all that by myself-ha ha ha ha ha.

You cant afford to take your dcs swimning but he can still afford to play football-gosh your really are a selfish moo arent you?.

Next time you have this argument and he offers to quit-call his bluff! smile sweetly at his flabbergasted face and tell him you knew he would see sense in the end.

[RoxyRobin]

Dh is obsessed with sport - particularly football - whereas I have no interest. He goes to home matches, and even the odd away fixture. I found this irritating when DS was little, but reaped the benefit when he was older and DH shepherded him into the football fold. I'd get rid of the pair of them and have some time to myself.

I see how aggrieved you must feel playing second fiddle to what is essentially a trivial pastime, especially given your DH's promise that he would be giving it up to devote himself to family life. And with such young children your life is very hard at the moment.

However, lots of men seem to need an outlet like this to let off steam and dissipate tension - basically, it does them good, and it's a harmless enough pastime. If you pressure him into giving this up he may habour resentment - covert or overt, it may add a sour note to what sounds like a harmonious relationship.

He is being selfish, of course, but you have to decide whether it matters enough to draw up battle lines. Perhaps you can make him more aware that he is very fortunate to have such an understanding wife - many men would be forced to toe the domestic line.

Don't even think about bridging the gap. Partners in a marriage don't have to have identical interests. Take pleasure in your own personal interests -
though I know you have almost no time to do so!

None of this is to say that you are not justified in feeling aggrieved. You most certainly are. It's just the question of how best to handle the situation ...

Finally, this 'Friday is relatives' night' business sounds a real pain. In my experience, Friday evenings are an ideal time for couples to unwind together and have a drink and a cuddle, relaxing in the relief of another hard week over. This is just my opinion, but if I was going to dig my heels in anywhere it would be here - I'd be looking to reduce the frequency of these visits (and if they're anything like my DH's family, to drop them altogether!).

[pink4ever]

I honestly cant believe there are other women on here basically telling the op to put up and shut up over this. I find that . Op is not asking for anything unreasonable at all-merely that she and their dcs come first which they clearly dont.

Op-if you are not prepared to confront him over the football then I agree with previous poster that you have to put your foot down over his family visiting every friday. Once a month is plenty and if they want to see the dcs then he can take them to visit.

[fluffles]

not 'put up and shut up' just don't focus on the football. i am sporty myself, i think carrying sport on as an adult is a healthy and good thing, and good example for children (this guy plays in a local league).

but... if he gets five hours a week playing football then he needs to make up for it by equal bedtime duties, and sorting out saturdays for family time and letting op have some time to herself after he gets back from football.

i don't understand why wives blame it all on the sport. the football is not making her entertain his family every friday, or do all the bedtimes...

[dreamingbohemian]

I don't think people are telling her to shut up -- just asking whether there's a way to rejigger things on other days so she can get her family time and her husband can still have some sport time.

I do think he's being selfish but practically speaking they need to find a compromise.

[MarginallyNarkyPuffin]

'After 4 years, it is unfair for you to suddenly try to put a stop to it'

Er, she's not. She said they discussed it before having children and he said of course he would stop. And he didn't. And whenever she mentions it he throws a strop.

There's a lot of sexism on this thread. The idea that 'boys will be boys' and it's normal for men to bugger off and leave their families for hours to play sport. Read the thread.

This is someone who wanted children and said he'd give up the football when he had them. Who works Mon-Fri so might see his children for a few minutes in the evening, but never does the bedtime routine, then sleeps on the sofa. Who often works Saturdays, and takes more than half of Sunday not just to play but to socialise. Who is resentful that he's given up Friday night training for his family visiting. Who stopped the family going swimming together over money but spends more to play football.

He's acting like a teenager. That is the behaviour of a single man. It's an insult to say that is typical male behaviour. I thought we'd moved on from the days where childcare was seen as 'women's work' and men didn't have anything to do with their DCs.

[RoxyRobin]

Oh dear. Have just noticed your post about not being able to afford the £15 for the swimming trips. I didn't realise money also played a part.

He is being inconsiderate depriving you and the children of a fun and healthy outing, and the onus should be on him to ensure that the £15 is made available if he is prepared to spend money on his own fun and healthy pursuit.

He should perhaps be looking at the money he spends on drink on his lads' nights out.

[pink4ever]

margianlly-good post and I completely agree. Now militant feminism is really not my thing but god I wish dittany could have read this thread!-what a pile of shite to suggest that dh is perfectly entitled to carry on behaving like a selfish twunt as he is doing a sport and "it is good for you". Plenty of ways of taking exercise which include all the family-oh yes thats right they had one-swimning! but cant afford it due to dh footie!

I really hope the op finds the strength to tell this man child to grow the fuck up.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Well there's really nothing to add to MarginallyNarkyPuffin 's post. She's got it in a nutshell.

OP, sorry to say but you are facilitating him a bit. For example, he can'yt bugger off on a Sunday and leave the children on their own, so you have to beat him out the door. Be fair, tell him in advance so he can let his teammates know in advance - or not, as he's not been fair to you for 4 years.

And why is he not doing his share at bedtime/bathtime? Not only would it make it less frantic for you, it would mean he could spend time with HIS children.

Oh, and " If I pursue it he declares he is quitting football if I am going to be like that." Absolutely fine, sounds like a plan to me.

[IloveJudgeJudy]

Why can't your DH play 5 a side on a weekday evening rather than on a Sunday? that would be much less disruptive, plus it would only cost £5 per evening.

[GetAwayFromHerYouBitch]

I'm marginally more sympathetic that he is playing, not watching, butt no, it's not fair on you. More time together in the evenings, and you need to leave him to it sometimes.

[GetAwayFromHerYouBitch]

BTW, by DH has given up cricket, and golf - both of which are very time-consuming, because he outs us first.

[GetAwayFromHerYouBitch]

puts us first not outs

[microfight]

YANBU
But I would just go out on the Sunday early and leave him with the kids. It's totally ridiculous.

[troisgarcons]

Why can't your DH play 5 a side on a weekday evening rather than on a Sunday?

My guess is he plays in a team with his mates. it's a social thing as much as anything.


I'll shove my t'upporth into this. My husband was very sporty, out all the time (it didn't actually bother me) football, golf, 5-aside, cricket, club season ticket holder, gold holidays with his mates..... you know what? 20 years down the line he's got chronic diabetes, and had several heart attacks. Open ulcers on his leg that we know in time will mean he will have to have that leg amputated.

But at least he'll be able to look back at what fun he had and thank fuck he didn't have a moany wife, always whinging. I knew what he was like when I married him, that was part of who he was ~ I was never going to change him nor try to. And he never stopped me doing anything either.

[scuzy]

at least he leaves the house... dp is on couch watchin football and i'd rather he'd watch it some place else cos looking at him thrown on couch while i mind ds make dinner tidy up iron clothes is making me want to the get the iron ... and well you can imagine the rest ...

[GetAwayFromHerYouBitch]

God troisgarcons. How awful.

[ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld]

OP if you can find £20 for your DH to play football then you can find £15 for you and the DC to go swimming. I also think you should have some me time, a Friday evening sounds perfect to me. The next time he tries to emotionally blackmail you by stropping and saying he will give football up then take him up on his offer.

YANBU He is being a selfish, childish wanker who needs to grow up.