Why does my husband chose to spend his only day off at football rather than with us?

[stocks81979]

I have struggled with this question every week for the last 4 years. My husband works Mon-Fri gone from 6am - 7pm (as do I when I am not on maternity leave). Its one mad dash on weekdays dinner, bath and bed for the kids and by the time I return he has fallen asleep on the sofa. Fridays are the worst where husbands family visits they can't understand why they cant visit more or why we don't visit the rest of the family - LOL!

Anyway Saturday we are always doing chores (washing, cleaning etc), diy or he is working. So sunday is the only day remaining. Out of football season we go out together as a family me, my 4yr old, 2yr old and 10mth old and we love being with Daddy. But in football season he leaves at 9am and returns between 2pm and 4pm.

I just don't understand he was the one who wanted kids, he was the one who declared he would be there on the weekend when I had sleepless nights (not once!) before our 1st was born he said he would give up football to spend more time with us cause thats his priority.

What happened? Why does he choose to spend so much time at a local league football game? Why didn't his priorities change like he said? like mine did. Why are the kids 100% my responsibility? Why do I have to ask for him to help and say thank you if he does? We have been together 11 years and no matter what happens I have never understood his relationship with sports. Everytime he is in a room he has to listen to the scores of every football team, and take an interest in every sport thats being reported on.

Please help me to understand why he didn't change and I did? How can I bridge this gap when I have no interest in sports.

[OpalMentor]

@FabbyChic

People are allowed some me time, and he clearly enjoys football and deserves after working all week doing something that he enjoys.

He clearly has no me time in the week and Sunday is the only day he can have any.

Women have more of a maternal instinct!

People are allowed some me time, and she clearly enjoys shopping and after working all week deserves doing something that she enjoys.

She clearly has no “me” time in the week and Sunday is the only day she can have any.

Men have more of a paternal instinct!

[A1980]

^ Sorry Sunday afternoon and find me gone.

[A1980]

He'd come back an Saturday afternoon to find me gone. I would start arranging things on Sunday afternoon to do and let him come home to an empty house.

I would also take up yoga, or something and arange classes on a saturday morning. Get up on Saturday, get dressed and leave him to it. Have a coffee, lunch afterwards and come back when you feel like it. He can't really complain.......

[dreamingbohemian]

I agree her DH is selfish but I still think the big problem is that he is not really present or helpful during the rest of the week as well.

My DH loves hiking and honestly if he wanted to start hiking every Sunday morning I would not really have a problem with it, but that's because he's not falling asleep on the sofa at 7 every night and leaving me to do everything. I feel like we have quite a bit of time together actually and household stuff is equally split.

In an ideal world the OP's husband would just stop the Sundays altogether, but it sounds like in reality that might cause some lingering problems. That's why I think instead of making him quit Sundays she should use it as leverage to get more of what she wants during the week, i.e. more time and help.

[cricketballs]

the £20 will more than likely include the pint and chip sandwich cost after the game; what ever sport my dh/ds have been invovled in it is part of the course; play the sport (pay subs/membership etc) then the social hour afterwards with all of the team

[forrestgump]

If he is off on a Sunday morning and has been since you met him, despite the promises this would stop on birth of number 1, you need to find something to do whilst he is out with the kids, and when he gets home from football, you hand the kids over to Him and bugger off out. No matter how much you don't want to, the children and Sunday's are his reponsibility as yours.

My dh used to play his chosen sport professionally, when he retired I was in a position like you, where he thought it would still be ok to carry on, in his weekend league, training mid week, compulsory boys night out etc, on top of working 5 days a week.

I had no idea football carried that expense, is that as part of a league? My son play just plays £2 Subs every week, are refs really paid. How naive I am!! I thought it was all for the love of a game!

We had to draw a compromise, he now has his gym membership, but gym time has to be done around the children and not around him.

[Truckulentre]

I've been 'allowed' to play sport all my adult life.

I've never heard of any club or sport ever charging £20 a week.

It's more like £5 a week.

[Whatmeworry]

Is the football season all year?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Actually, his sullen threat would only be him keeping the promise he made before the children arrived.
"Believe me I have always made it clear that I wasn't having kids on my own and that football sundays were to be a thing of the past if he wanted kids with me because its hard work and you need to be a team. He was keen to have kids and nodded in all the right places just didn't follow through."

[CoraBear]

Netball? Very retro. But still, I think that there has to be compromise. He's the one threatening to quit, she's not asking him to. And before the children came along he did say he would stop playing footy. Seems reasonable.

[omaoma]

if the wife was playing netball for 5 hours on the one day the family had together, spending the money the family needed to go swimming on her own hobby, we would be saying EXACTLY the same thing, troisgarcons. Find me a thread where that's the story... haven't seen one yet.

[LoveInAColdClimate]

Gosh, I had no idea that it it would be so expensive to play football! So £80 and sometimes £100 a month, depending on the number of weekends that fall in the month? Bloody hell, no wonder people are put off playing sport. Whoever runs this racket must be raking it in - 11 people a team = about a grand a month just for providing a bit of grass, a man with a whistle and a washing machine?

[troisgarcons]

but I don't understand why it costs £20 to play football

Pitch fees, refs fees, probably kit washing fees.

If he threatens to quit football, call him on it,

I can just imagin the outcry here if it was reversed and a bloke wanted his wife to stop playing netball.

[LoveInAColdClimate]

YANBU. He is being an arse.

Apologies if this has been explained, but I don't understand why it costs £20 to play football (rather than watch it), though?

[CoraBear]

OP I feel your pain. Up until recently my DP worked 6 days a week and I held Sunday as sacred family time. It's really hard to feel like you are doing everything yourself and don't have any support. I made the mistake of letting him do nothing around the house because I felt he worked so hard and he should spend time with our son when he had time off. The resentment grew and grew.

You HAVE to tell your DP what your expectations are. Yes, it would be lovely to have things that stay the same after kids come along but for the first few years that's rarely the case. You are not being unreasonable by making him grow the hell up and cop on. Sometimes men just need to be told. If he threatens to quit football, call him on it, if he wants to act like a brat, treat him like one.

[notmyproblem]

Next time he threatens to quit, say "sure, sounds good". Call his bluff. He's got you wrapped around his finger and as long as the two of you continue to dance this elaborate passive-aggressive number around each other, nothing will change.

Put your foot down and insist. If he's going to be so unhappy not playing football that he'll leave you over it and not work out a solution together, then good riddance. Sounds like he's not really contributing much to your family at this point anyway.

Hopefully he will start to see you as an equal again and you can come to a solution. But not while you continue to let him manipulate you and use you as his doormat so he can selfishly pursue his own interests at you and your DCs expense (both time and money!)

[Dozer]

And to those who think the answer is for the OP to have her own "me time" at different times to her husband, how can that be OK, either for the marriage or the kids? Parents spending no time at all together, with or without the kids, both parents putting themselves before the kids. Nice.

[Dozer]

Hear hear marginally and pink.

at the sexist shite being said by those who think the OP is being unreasonable.

Men need me-time, he works hard, you should go out too, go to watch him /do own thing, you'll get divorced if you don't let him be him, nagging harridan controlling woman blah blah.

Ffs!

[ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld]

OP if you can find £20 for your DH to play football then you can find £15 for you and the DC to go swimming. I also think you should have some me time, a Friday evening sounds perfect to me. The next time he tries to emotionally blackmail you by stropping and saying he will give football up then take him up on his offer.

YANBU He is being a selfish, childish wanker who needs to grow up.

[GetAwayFromHerYouBitch]

God troisgarcons. How awful.

[scuzy]

at least he leaves the house... dp is on couch watchin football and i'd rather he'd watch it some place else cos looking at him thrown on couch while i mind ds make dinner tidy up iron clothes is making me want to the get the iron ... and well you can imagine the rest ...

[troisgarcons]

Why can't your DH play 5 a side on a weekday evening rather than on a Sunday?

My guess is he plays in a team with his mates. it's a social thing as much as anything.


I'll shove my t'upporth into this. My husband was very sporty, out all the time (it didn't actually bother me) football, golf, 5-aside, cricket, club season ticket holder, gold holidays with his mates..... you know what? 20 years down the line he's got chronic diabetes, and had several heart attacks. Open ulcers on his leg that we know in time will mean he will have to have that leg amputated.

But at least he'll be able to look back at what fun he had and thank fuck he didn't have a moany wife, always whinging. I knew what he was like when I married him, that was part of who he was ~ I was never going to change him nor try to. And he never stopped me doing anything either.

[microfight]

YANBU
But I would just go out on the Sunday early and leave him with the kids. It's totally ridiculous.

[GetAwayFromHerYouBitch]

puts us first not outs

[GetAwayFromHerYouBitch]

BTW, by DH has given up cricket, and golf - both of which are very time-consuming, because he outs us first.