To ditch friends that didn't stick up for me

[ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse]

I went out on a girls' night out last weekend. One friend, who has been nasty to me previously by making nasty comments (very insecure, and passive aggressive), clearly had an agenda and was horrible to be for the whole evening, slagging me off to friends, dragging away anyone who sat near me or talked to me, and getting aggressive with me at the end of the evening. My other friends didnt join in as such, but didn't stick up for me. I went home in the end and the nasty woman apologised via text, and because I have told her I want nothing more to do with her my friends are all saying I am nasty and have shown my true colours. One "friend" helpfully said I need to make more of an effort to get along with everyone and she doesn't want to see me losing anymore friends.

I have other friends outside of this group. AIBU to ditch the lot of them? I did try and tell them throughout the night that I was upset about how this woman was being but they said "I'm not getting involved", but then were happy to listen to her slagging me off.

[ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse]

Sorry BluddyMoFo I thought what you said was by SwingingBetty, I'd forgotten whose username was who's. SwingingBetty was replying from a totally different viewpoint to you.

Didn't mean to offend you at all, I certainly didn't want to be sworn at, so will bow out of this thread now, I feel really bad.

[Miggsie]

You need to find some friends who actually like you.

I'd also put money on the fact that now you have left the group the bitchy woman will pick on someone else and do the same thing to her. That type has to be a bully to someone and make like she's the dominant one in the group.

[ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse]

Hence my post was titled AIBU to ditch them

[ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse]

I don't want to continue the friendships BluddyMoFo

[ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse]

SwingingBetty, how have I not been sensible? I really am intrigued as to what you think I have done that is so bad? I went for a night out, someone was nasty, I ignored her, tried to have a good time, and went home. Oh and told her not to contact me again when she half-heartedly tried to apologise. How is that not sensible? I genuinely would like to know.

[ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse]

Mordechai, yes I agree, people just want to avoid a scene, and I guess my so-called friends thought that if they tackled her or said anything then it would cause a scene so if there was going to be one they'd rather I was involved in it than them.

Mrs Voltar, i am the same, wondering if its me, but yes I think I am the same as you, perhaps at times I make too many friends and then end up weeding through them once we've developed a friendship, when perhaps in future I will find it more useful to weed through before I become good friends with someone. In fact that's a very good life lesson to teach myself.

[HowAboutAHotCupOfShutTheHellUp]

YADNBU. Ditch, ditch, ditch. Life is too short for disloyal friends. I would always stick up for my mates. That's what friends do! The group of 'friends' sound v bitchy and actually rather toxic, pretty much like (some) teenage girls behave.

[SwingingBetty]

Squeezeme, I like to think I wasnt behaving like a teenager;

no, they would be much more sensible

[MrsVoltar]

It has also made me really 'wobble' at times, is it me? Am I the one with the problem? But mostly I just accept that I am sometimes not great at choosing friends, I like to think the best of people (assume people will be nice & kind underneath), so therefore sometimes make friends with the 'wrong' people.

By 'wrong' people I mean, people who won't stick up for their friends, people who don't want the best for their friends, people who aren't keen to help out friends when they can.

Rant over (!)

I have made very good friends, always on a one-to one basis, and they assure me its not me and that I am a good friend.

[MordechaiVanunu]

People hate a scene.

They just want everyone to chat nicely about kids parties and the teachers at the school and not venture into anything controversial.

This has been my experience of much (not all) socializing with women anyway.

[ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse]

Basically I think what the other friends wanted me to do was just accept this woman's apology, never mention it again and just play happy friends again, which of course I'm not prepared to do. Because the bully woman is very loud and a queen bee, I guess none of them want to be her next victim, so they'd rather just let her get away with it all.

[ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse]

MrsVoltar, I do too; I find group situations quite intimidating and prefer to see friends on a one to one basis. I guess with this particular group of friends, we were all thrown together by one thing in common but we probably don't all have much else in common.

BluddyMoFo, I have other friends totally unconnected with this group, none of which have ever acted like this, I'm pretty certain that they don't all think I'm nasty too. I'm not nasty, BTW

[MrsVoltar]

I totally sympathise, I have had this, really not nice. Thought they were 'friends' then one started to pick, pick, pick at me, then another...grrr

YANBU, I would ditch them. I don't think you've behaved like a silly schoolgirl at all, they have. Read the helpful posts, say 'whatever' to the unhelpful ones. Some folks are obviosly lucky enough to not have probelms making friends.

Yes, you can probably be 'aquaintances', chat in passing, with those who were not actively nasty but who 'didn't want to get involved' but thats all they will be, IMO.

I hate 'group' friendships.

[crystalglasses]

I'm sorry I didn't read your post properly. THEY are behaving like silly school girls and if it happens again, maybe you should tell them they are?

[AllGoodNamesGone]

Sounds like THEY are behaving like schoolgirls even down to the part about sucking up to the one causing the agro so they don't find themselves as her next victim.

Thankfully you don't have to continue seeing them at school every day so can drop the lot of them.

[ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse]

crystalglasses, I'm actually quite upset that you've said that. I don't feel I did anything at all to behave like a silly schoolgirl, but instead held my head high and didn't retaliate by being bitchy or aggressive. In what way have I behaved like a schoolgirl?

[MordechaiVanunu]

Yes, with one friend we had a big heart to heart later about how let down I felt and how devastated and ashamed she was she didn't say anything at the time, and actually in the end this has made us closer.

Everyone else just wanted to pretend it had never happened, as it was all a little awkward or embarrassing, so they just continued with chit chat when they saw me like it had never happened.

This defined our 'friendship'.

I think there are many people who want a quiet life, to be friendly with everyone and never stick their neck out. This is fine but ultimately only makes for superficial relationships.

[crystalglasses]

Sorry but you all sound like a bunch of silly schoolgirls.

[Whatmeworry]

It's hard because you probably feel that its a reflection on your (in)ability to choose friends, but I'd just drop them.

[ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse]

Mordechai, I totally agree, there is a big difference between proper friends and people you're friendly with.

I think in some situations I could stay friends with the "I'm not getting involved" women but in this one I don't feel like I want to. One friend has got in touch and apologised profusely and has given her reasons for not sticking up for me, so I am going to move forward with that friendship, but the rest definitely not.

[MordechaiVanunu]

I've had a totally different situation, but similar in as far as I badly needed some support and most 'friends' took the 'i'm staying neutral line', and I felt very isolated and let down.

Plus side was it made me reakisebthere is a BIG difference between people who you are friendly with and socialise with, and people who are real friends who will stick their necks out for you when needed or go that extra a mile.

I've realised I have lots of acquaintances but only a few true deep friendships, and it's made me cherish those even more as Ive realised they are quite rare.

This was quite a painful discovery for me, but good for me in the end.

I'm still friendly with the 'not getting involved' women but more distant and I know the limits of any friendship that there is.

[ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse]

Ditto here, squeezeme, I'd rather have no friends too than be treated like that. Thanks for the replies everyone, like I said I sort of knew I wasn't being unreasonable but it's been great to vent about it! :-)