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AIBU?

To ditch friends that didn't stick up for me

44 replies

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 21/09/2011 11:33

I went out on a girls' night out last weekend. One friend, who has been nasty to me previously by making nasty comments (very insecure, and passive aggressive), clearly had an agenda and was horrible to be for the whole evening, slagging me off to friends, dragging away anyone who sat near me or talked to me, and getting aggressive with me at the end of the evening. My other friends didnt join in as such, but didn't stick up for me. I went home in the end and the nasty woman apologised via text, and because I have told her I want nothing more to do with her my friends are all saying I am nasty and have shown my true colours. One "friend" helpfully said I need to make more of an effort to get along with everyone and she doesn't want to see me losing anymore friends.

I have other friends outside of this group. AIBU to ditch the lot of them? I did try and tell them throughout the night that I was upset about how this woman was being but they said "I'm not getting involved", but then were happy to listen to her slagging me off.

OP posts:

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ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 21/09/2011 11:34

Actually reading that back I know IANBU, but need to vent really...

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squeakytoy · 21/09/2011 11:35

Good god, how old are you all? 12?

thederkinsdame · 21/09/2011 11:35

How old is she? 12? I would ditch them all personally.

AliceWyrld · 21/09/2011 11:36

Sad tale ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse. They don't sound like great friends to me. YANBU

purplepidjinawoollytangle · 21/09/2011 11:36

YANBU, hang out with the people that make you feel good!

AKMD · 21/09/2011 11:36

I don't think YABU. I had 'friends' like this at high school and they really damaged my self-esteem. I think them saying that you are'nasty and have shown [your] colours' is particularly horrible. Ditch them and spend more time with people who actually value your friendship.

ViviPru · 21/09/2011 11:37

Do YOU think you're nasty and think you need to make more effort? If not, ditch the lot if that's what they think. You say you have other friends. What do you need this grief for?

Urgh female friendships can be so problematic. Over the years I haven't thought twice about ditching friends who make life difficult, and now find myself surrounded but an handpicked assortment of easygoing, fun pals.

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 21/09/2011 11:37

I've decided not to have anything to do with any of them anymore. I'd rather have no friends than friends who are disloyal and condone bullying.

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squeezemebakingpowder · 21/09/2011 11:37

How old are you all? You sound like teenagers to me!

Yes you should definitely get rid of any person in your life who is anything but nice and supportive of you! I never understand people who have 'friends' who do nothing but make them depressed! That isn't friendship as far as I'm concerned!

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 21/09/2011 11:38

Vivipru, no I know I'm not nasty and that I need to make anymore effort. You're right, I definitely don't need that grief

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squeezemebakingpowder · 21/09/2011 11:38

x posts!

aldiwhore · 21/09/2011 11:39

Get rid of the lot of them.

Whilst its not always the best course of action to dive in and defend friends (because it often makes everything a whole lot worse, especially if beer is involved) a GOOD friend would have stuck by you and not allowed herself to be 'dragged' off by the one who was being nasty.

They sound like a bunch of twats to be honest.

You will be better off without them. I speak from experience. Last year I was treated badly by a couple of people and the whole group (about 15 of them) basically ignored me for 8 months, not because they'd fallen out with me but because 'they didn't want to take sides' so whilst I didn't want them to get involved in my battles, it would have been nice if they'd stayed in touch.

Strangely, once I was no longer a target, some of the others were treated in the same way... during that time I was very depressed (looking back I gave them all too much emotional energy) but in the end, I got new friends, reconnected with others who'd I'd let slide and got over it. Most have come crawling back, but only two have been forgiven....

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 21/09/2011 11:39

Squeezeme, I like to think I wasnt behaving like a teenager; it was only the one friend I'd had a problem with before, she is a "toxic friend" so I'd been keeping my distance from her but of course she was on the group night out. I tried to chat and have a good time, and didn't want to get involved in any aggro but she just created it endlessly, hence I went home.

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ViviPru · 21/09/2011 11:39

good for you :)

Proudnscary · 21/09/2011 11:40

Vicky Pollard is that you?

ballstoit · 21/09/2011 11:40

Wow, what a horrible night out. I'm shocked that any adults behave like this, and definitely would not be rushing to repeat the experience.

steamedtreaclesponge · 21/09/2011 11:41

Get rid. Life's too short. Spend time with your friends who act like grown-ups rather than teenagers.

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 21/09/2011 11:42

Aldiwhore (great name BTW!!), you've hit the nail on the head about the "taking sides" thing. Like you say, I didn't expect anyone to dive in and defend me but I'd have expected them to say "I'm not interested in hearing this" or something similar to the woman that was causing trouble. And like you say, allowing themselves to be dragged off etc just isn't nice. I am thinking that the same thing may happen in that group that happened in yours, in that someone else will be targetted and treated badly.

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squeezemebakingpowder · 21/09/2011 11:44

Well it sounds like you definitely did the grown up thing then, the rest all sound pretty dire to me. You're better off out of it!

I'd actually rather have no friend than ones who treated me like yours have. Anyway you say you have other friends so stick with the ones who care about you!

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 21/09/2011 11:45

Ditto here, squeezeme, I'd rather have no friends too than be treated like that. Thanks for the replies everyone, like I said I sort of knew I wasn't being unreasonable but it's been great to vent about it! :-)

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MordechaiVanunu · 21/09/2011 11:49

I've had a totally different situation, but similar in as far as I badly needed some support and most 'friends' took the 'i'm staying neutral line', and I felt very isolated and let down.

Plus side was it made me reakisebthere is a BIG difference between people who you are friendly with and socialise with, and people who are real friends who will stick their necks out for you when needed or go that extra a mile.

I've realised I have lots of acquaintances but only a few true deep friendships, and it's made me cherish those even more as Ive realised they are quite rare.

This was quite a painful discovery for me, but good for me in the end.

I'm still friendly with the 'not getting involved' women but more distant and I know the limits of any friendship that there is.

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 21/09/2011 12:00

Mordechai, I totally agree, there is a big difference between proper friends and people you're friendly with.

I think in some situations I could stay friends with the "I'm not getting involved" women but in this one I don't feel like I want to. One friend has got in touch and apologised profusely and has given her reasons for not sticking up for me, so I am going to move forward with that friendship, but the rest definitely not.

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Whatmeworry · 21/09/2011 12:03

It's hard because you probably feel that its a reflection on your (in)ability to choose friends, but I'd just drop them.

crystalglasses · 21/09/2011 12:06

Sorry but you all sound like a bunch of silly schoolgirls.

MordechaiVanunu · 21/09/2011 12:07

Yes, with one friend we had a big heart to heart later about how let down I felt and how devastated and ashamed she was she didn't say anything at the time, and actually in the end this has made us closer.

Everyone else just wanted to pretend it had never happened, as it was all a little awkward or embarrassing, so they just continued with chit chat when they saw me like it had never happened.

This defined our 'friendship'.

I think there are many people who want a quiet life, to be friendly with everyone and never stick their neck out. This is fine but ultimately only makes for superficial relationships.

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