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AIBU?

to think "not suffering fools" isn't necessarily a positive attribute to have?

31 replies

Moulesfrites · 20/09/2011 19:06

I find myself caught in the middle of a dispute between my sister and my mum atm, because my mum has decided to tel my sister that she thinks her boyfriend is rude and miserable. My sister is devastated and I really feel for her and she has been in tears talking to me about it, but at the smae time, I actually totally agree with my mum. He is rude and I have bitten my tongue on so many occasions when he has been around.

My dsis and her bf live in London and usually stay at my parents when they come up to visit but have also stayed with dh and I. They are made very welcome. They don't have a lot of money so my parents ensure they don't have to pay for anything when they are there. But the bf makes continuous disparaging remarks about the area of the country where we live (North East) and how it isn't as good as London. My mum thinks it is a bit off to come and stay at her house, eat all her food and slag off her area.

This weekend he took part in the Great North Run but was completely miserable the day before and after the run. Afterwards we went back to my parents house and he lay on the sofa, with his trainers on, said that he was entitled to watch hat he wanted all afternoon as he has just done a half marathon, so put the football on and played with my dad's ipad as if it was his own. He is 26 years old . His disparaging comments just kept on coming and eventually my mum told my sister (not him) exactly what she thought of him. I agree with her, but am not sure it was the right thing to say something to my sister as she loves him and clearly he makes her happy.

My sister has spoken to me about it and says that we just need to understand that her bf is "sarcastic, cynical and doesn't suffer fools" which I was a bit at as it seemed to imply that he thinks my family are stupid. Surely even if he did think we were foolish he should just keep quiet seeing as he is taking advantage of our hospitality? AS it is he is very argumentative and contrary, always looking for a debate so that he can demean the rest of us.

Any tips on how to move on from this or how to deal with him in future?

OP posts:

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BagofHolly · 20/09/2011 19:13

God what a catch. I'd be inclined to ask your sister why she feels the best she is worth is a man who disrespects and demeans her family.

And I'd make the point that by your sister tolerating his frankly awful behaviour she is tacitly approving of it.

What's the attraction? Is he a billionaire with a bad chest?!

HardCheese · 20/09/2011 19:15

I think your sister is misunderstanding, or at least misusing, the expression 'doesn't suffer fools gladly'. Someone who doesn't suffer fools gladly is openly intolerant of stupidity in others or won't let their behaviour go unchallenged. But it makes very little sense to use it of the situation you describe, in which a visitor is being well treated by the family of the woman he (presumably) loves and is responding with rude, selfish and entitled behaviour.

He sounds like a boor, but for your own sanity, I would keep out of the situation. Only your sister can work out whether she's really happy to tolerate her boyfriend being a terrible houseguest and openly disdainful of her family and place of origin. And your mother is at liberty to stop inviting him, or at least to stop treating him like a prince when he deigns to visit...

AKMD · 20/09/2011 19:17

YANBU, it is an excuse used by arrogant people who think far too much of themselves to be as rude as they like and get away with it.

Your sister's bf though does not have this 'attribute'. He is simply a rude oaf who she would be better off without.

ImperialBlether · 20/09/2011 19:21

Tell your sister to come on here and post the situation. You could get this thread deleted and let her start her own. Say you think she needs some advice from other women.

He sounds absolutely awful. It's such a shame for her to be spending her youth with an idiot like that.

troisgarcons · 20/09/2011 19:36

TBH, he's just plain ignorant of any form of manners.

The 'fools' in this instance are your parents for not picking him up by his belt and collar and slinging him out the front door!

Tips to deal with him?
1.. avoid like the plague
2... in seriousness, I've yet to meet a 'Northerner' who didn't have their own brand of scathing put down when the need arises.

babynamesgrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 20/09/2011 19:39

What an absolute wanker. And why does your sister get all weepy when someone talks about her wanker boyfriend when she doesn't mind him being a prick to her family

MrsSchadenfreude · 20/09/2011 19:40

Mmm, he sounds lovely

He is a mannerless oaf and should be shown the door.

NinkyNonker · 20/09/2011 19:46

I would say that actually it is your mother who doesn't suffer fools gladly, and well done her.

I think you need to stand up for your mum here and as nicely as you can tell hr that while you appreciate that she loves her BF his 'difficult' personality means that not everyone OS going to share that feeling. And that he needs to learn to show respect for others otherwise how is he going to treat her?

Meteorite · 20/09/2011 19:51

YANBU

RedRubyBlue · 20/09/2011 19:52

Ahh the classic 'Doesn't suffer fools gladly' and 'Can I be honest' and 'To be frank with you' and 'I don't mean to be rude but....'

usually masks a horrible comment that they utter under the guise of 'honesty'.

He is rude and you suffer him.

Your sister will wisen up. Least said and soonest mended and hopefully he will soon be part of the relationship history that you can tease you sister about.

ENormaSnob · 20/09/2011 19:52

Your mother doesn't suffer fools.

Your sisters dp is an obnoxious, rude prick.

MangoMonster · 20/09/2011 19:53

He sounds like an immature twat. Doesn't suffer fools?? Was that directed at your parents? You need to let her know you don't find his behaviour acceptable, but is her decision and she will have to sort it out herself. If I was your parents I would not have him in the house again. It's their perogative. Hope she sees how rude he is soon. Best not to let her feel like she can't confide in you in case she needs you. If he's rude to her parents, what is he like to her?

Moulesfrites · 20/09/2011 19:56

I know, I have always felt uneasy about him but they have been together for about 5 years now and my sister adores him.

I remember feeling really uneasy when we first went and stayed with them in London. They had not long moved in together and he kept going on about how he had graduated he couldn't go on all nighters any more and had to get a job and life was so mundane and dull . And I was quietly thinking, you have just set up home with my sister (who is beautiful and lovely), this is the most exciting part of your life!

But she really loves him

OP posts:

Sanesometimes1 · 20/09/2011 19:58

If your sister can't see how rude he has been to your parents then quie frankly I'd say it's a match made in heaven, keep a low profile and don't invite them to stay in your home, if they want to come and visit suggest a nearby hotel, might get them thinking !

MangoMonster · 20/09/2011 19:59

5 years is a long time and you haven't said she's unhappy...what a difficult situation. Can she not see how rude he is and tell him to rein it in as your mum finds it offensive?

Moulesfrites · 20/09/2011 20:15

My dh says we should just point it out to him every time he says something insulting eg "That's very rude" and then maybe they will both realise how often he does it?

OP posts:

MangoMonster · 20/09/2011 20:17

Agree with your dh. Btw, love your nickname, makes me hungry!

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/09/2011 20:47

I also think your DH's plan sounds the best idea. Perhaps with the added stalwart of "Did you mean it to?" to fully put the ball back in his court and force an answer (or at the very least some reflection).

Moulesfrites · 20/09/2011 20:54

oh, good addition WYLI will try that.

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 20/09/2011 20:57

Don't forget the other classic "I say it as I see it"
Means "I completely lack tact and somehow think this is endearing"

Sidge · 20/09/2011 21:01

Sometimes with people like him you just have to call them on it.

Next time he's so obnoxious say directly "well dsis refers to you as sarcastic and cynical but we just find you rude, obnoxious and disrespectful. And if it persists then I don't think we'll be spending any more time with you."

I appreciate your sister will be upset but maybe it would push him into facing the fact that he's a most unpleasant house guest.

BatsUpMeNightie · 20/09/2011 21:06

When he's being an arse in your company just say - calmly -

"You do realise you're saying that out loud don't you"

Might make him think? Worth a try anyway!

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redwineformethanks · 20/09/2011 21:41

And also remember that "I speak as I find - People either love me or hate me" usually means "Most people hate me"

Moulesfrites · 21/09/2011 19:21

oh dear god, have found out today he is coming up with dsis at Christmas which we have offered to host

OP posts:

VFVF · 21/09/2011 19:24

Oh dear, I hate that excuse for just basically not caring about other people's feelings! Is this the same boyfriend who is living off your sister or am I thinking of another poster OP?

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