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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my ex was bang out of order...

35 replies

stayforthekids1 · 20/09/2011 11:33

to ask me if I have been taking cocaine?!?!

His reasoning...I had a very long shift at my work on saturday. I work in a bar and it was closed for a refit, this day was its launch. Closed at 3am, after all the cleaning blah blah was 5am and then (he has the kids at the weekend) I stayed and had a few drinks with my work collegues, a bit of our own celebration of the new bar etc.

He said the next day I seemed spaced out (actually just totally shattered!) and then asked me if I was taking cocaine!! I hate drugs of all kinds, particularly cocaine because it played a part in the death of my brother. I was seriously offended and think he was bang out of order which I told him. He states he has a right to ask me such things, because he 'doesnt know me anymore'. I said he had no right to ask me any such things and he knows I have always hated drugs and always will. What bothers me too is that he has probably gone and told his mum and sister he suspects I am using drugs, all from a very late night at work!

OP posts:

F5 · 20/09/2011 11:34

Just ignore him.

TakeThisOneHereForAStart · 20/09/2011 11:34

He probably asked it because he knows how much it would get to you.

And if that is the case, YANBU to think as you do.

aldiwhore · 20/09/2011 11:35

He was out of order, however, if you saw him and he was spaced out and you were concerned would you ask him the same? I think probably you'd be more tactful and less insulting!

Ignore him.

worraliberty · 20/09/2011 11:36

If you suspected he was taking drugs and looking after the kids, would you ask him the same question?

ObiWan · 20/09/2011 11:36

He just knows which buttons to press. Don't rise to it.

Original poster

stayforthekids1 · 20/09/2011 11:36

I would F5, but he is round here every day seeing the kids and always making jibes of all sorts. Obviously its unfounded, I have never touched anything other than cannabis once or twice when I was a teenager (before my brother died) but I still dont want him running around telling folk he thinks I am on drugs! That one is a bit hard to ignore :( I have already had to ignore him telling everyone I am a slag after he got on my Fb one night (i forgot to log out) and he found out through reading my messages that I had started seeing someone.

OP posts:

Caffeinefiend · 20/09/2011 11:36

Sorry to be blunt but IMO he's a twat. If he knows what happened to your brother, it's downright mean of him to ask that...YANBU.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/09/2011 11:36

Well, he's your ex, isn't he? He's that for a reason. Ignore, dismiss and move on... he has contact iwth your children, not with you, don't let his comments get to you anymore, you can ignore them, what he thinks doesn't matter a whit.

Springyknickersohnovicars · 20/09/2011 11:37

He's just being a complete and utter shit, he knows your brother died from drug use and he's just pushing the button that hurts you most.

Let's say he actually believed you were drugged up, why on earth would he pass the children onto you. If I thought my ex was drunk or drugged, I'd tell him to come back when he was sober and not let the kids go with him.

SO he is either a feckless father or a bastard.

Either way IMO he's a shit.

SwingingBetty · 20/09/2011 11:37

i dont think he is out of order, he saw some signs and didnt go sneaking around behind your back snooping, he asked you straight out

you are out of order

TLD2 · 20/09/2011 11:38

You know he's talking bollocks to wind you up. Just tell him to grow up and ignore him.

Original poster

stayforthekids1 · 20/09/2011 11:38

I wasnt looking after the kids, they were with him that weekend, it was the monday morning when he dropped them back. But even so, I wouldnt automatically make the jump from him seeming a bit spaced out = drugs. I have been ill for about 2 months now, with one thing after another and I look after 4 dc under the age of 6 and work two nights at the weekend. If I was looking at it from his perspective, I would simply presume I was tired and unwell not on drugs!

OP posts:

booyhoo · 20/09/2011 11:39

i dont think he was out of order at all. if i suspected anyone who was going to be looking after my dcs had taken cocaine i would bloody well ask them and risk them being offended.

Springyknickersohnovicars · 20/09/2011 11:40

swinging some exes are game players, you wouldn't pass your children to someone you believe is off their heads. You'd shut the door and tell them to come back when they're straight.

He's a button pusher from the admittedly little we know.

LadySybil · 20/09/2011 11:42

i think you are the one out of order. If I was handing my kids over to someone, i would need to confirm that they were capable of looking after them. He has every right to ask you this, and quite frankly, to refuse to hand them over too. In his situation, i wouldnt have given my babies over.

squeakytoy · 20/09/2011 11:42

According to quite a lot of posters on here on a thread recently, it is apparently impossible for anyone to stay up all night without using drugs.. .. so maybe he has been reading mumsnet..

Maybe he was just making a throwaway comment because he knew you had been up late, and (as you say yourself) you were totally knackered and looked it.

Its possible he just said it without thinking, but then he is an ex for a reason, so just take no notice of him.

Springyknickersohnovicars · 20/09/2011 11:44

What did he think the answer would be even is she was on cocaine "Yes, I'm stoned off my face but thank you for asking". It was not a genuine concern. If he was genuine he'd have refused to hand the children over, got himself into court requesting a residency hearing. IMO anyway.

Original poster

stayforthekids1 · 20/09/2011 11:48

I am out of order? For being tired? Seriously?!

As it happens if you check my previous posts you will see that i recently posted a thread after coming home from work one night catching him stoned out of his head when responsible for my 4dc who were upstairs asleep and was refusing to allow him any over night access because of that. He then asked for another chance, said that he wouldnt do it around them again and I have told him that if I so much as catch a whiff of the stuff around my kids again I will go for residency and for a stop to overnight access.

I think this is why I am so furious. Okay so fair enough he wasnt out of order to ask me if he genuinely suspected it to be so. But I cant see how he could even make that assumption based on one late night at work and me being tired with a head cold so being a bit 'spaced out' as he put it. He was only there all of twenty minutes before he went off for work!

OP posts:

booyhoo · 20/09/2011 11:49

springyknickers if you know someone (like an ex) you can usually tell when they are lying. even if OP had said no she wasn't on cocaine (but really was) the EX would probably have been able to tell it was a lie and make his decision not to leave the kids with her.

when my son told me that he had fallen off the backseat of his dad's car because his booster sea was broken i knew his dad would never say "oh yeah that did happen" but i knew i would be ale to tellby his behaviour whether he was lying or not.

Original poster

stayforthekids1 · 20/09/2011 11:51

I dont touch drugs. Simple as. But judging from the a few of the replies on this thread I think I am right to be concerned that he is going around suggesting that I do. I think I will be going to get some professional advice on this.

OP posts:

booyhoo · 20/09/2011 11:52

you say he uses cannabis OP? what is the no1 side effect of cannabis use? paranoia. could it be his assumption about your 'drug use' was a result of his own paranoia?

Original poster

stayforthekids1 · 20/09/2011 11:52

my brother committed suicide when he was 24. It was believed his use of drugs played a big part in it. He was diagnosed with social paranoia and other mental health issues shortly before he died. He did a lot of cannabis and cocaine. Even without his death, I always was against drugs.

OP posts:

booyhoo · 20/09/2011 11:55

suspecting someone of drung use, asking them and believing their answer does not automatically mean he is telling people you are using drugs!!

why on earth do you base that assumption on the replies given here? i know if i believed you weren't doingdrugs thatwould be an end to it. i certainlywuldn't be 'going round' (what does that even mean-drivng aboutlooking for people to tell?) telling people youwere using.

TLD2 · 20/09/2011 11:56

stay, I think, personally, that his question was purely to wind you up and get a reaction.

Which he has done.

booyhoo · 20/09/2011 11:56

you weren't always against drugs though OP. you said you used cannabis as a teen.

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