Clean house, kids, work full time. Impossible right?

[Greenapples1]

Seems to me that I run around like a headless chicken from work, kids, meals and tidying but the house is still an embarrassment. DH does a bit when asked as do DD's but it's always with a sigh and the bare minimum of effort. Is there an answer to this or am I destined to be a nagging mother. AIBU?

[Sofabitch]

I only work part time 3 days a week with my dp who does loads and I still find it a struggle. Mostly it's because in far too good at procrastinating and can always think of something that is more fun than house work. Beside I don't get the whole make the bed thing? What's the point you are only going to get in it and mess it up again. I'd tater have 5 mins longer snuggling in bed with the dc's.

[GossipWitch]

OP I know how you feel, even though I had no husband to help and only one child, it is very hard to keep on top of things when you working full time, my back garden didnt get mown for 18 months because I just didnt have time! how about showing them how much you do by not doing it for a week, when they start asking for clean uniforms and clothes etc tell them to do it themselves you've had enough of doing it all and being expected to work at the same time, then there is always a rota system stick it on the kitchen door so that they can all see it!!

[Proudnscary]

I work FT - the house would be a shithole if my dh wasn't such a domestic goddess. We both pull our weight and help each other and work blooming hard inside and outside the home.

YANBU if you don't have that support.

[BrandyAlexander]

When working, my dad earned significantly more money than my mum. He ironed his own clothes, cleaned parts of the house (and was very particular about it) and did a fair amount of the cooking. Mum did the gardening with him (including the heavy weeding). My sisters and I have all gone on to marry men who are more than handy with kitchen utensils, cleaning equipment and an iron and are expected to do 50/50 housework/diy. Its fair to say that none of the men started off that way but quickly got the message that equality with the household chores was how they were going to get domestic happiness. Df and Dm didn't bring us up to be anyones domestic slave (and my brother is just like Df) and that's what we're passing on to our children. OP, its not too late to change the balance, both for your sanity and for the messages you teach your children.

[iliketherain]

Please remember that xenia does not have a partner she pays people to do the things she don't want to do cleaning, childcare etc.

Money and power are very important to her, I feel she is lacking something in her homelife.

[norriscoleforpm]

true. I guess we should feel sorry for her rather than the other way round.

[Xenia]

We brought up 5 children toget her over 19 years so it's not really fair to say I have no experience of marriage. I probably have a lot more than most posters many of whom h ave not been married 19 years.

What you see from the posts above though is that some women allow themselves to be treated like servants and seem to accept men do virtually nothing. Others perhaps those who grew up in non sexist homes don't tolerate that ever. So in a sense it is within your own hands to determine how things will be shared at home.

Some women also decide men cannot do XYZ and make a rod for their own backs by reserving some domestic territory to themselves.

I have not done a survey. I was suggesting if you earn 10x your partner whatever your sex it is likely yoru partner is more likely to help out at home than if he earns 10x what you do on average.

[laptopdancer]

I find it very difficult. I have a husband, a young adult child and a child. The first two are in and out in the day and often work out in muddy fields so my kitchen floor always looks a mess. I work out of the home.
If we both worked in "out of the home" jobs, it would be great. The house wouldnt be touched in the day.

[iliketherain]

I do not see what each other earns has anything to do with anything.

My marriage is a partnership, did your husband leave you because you constantly reminded him how much you are earning?

Why is money so important to people if you have enough to get by on that is good enough for me................work all the hours god sends mmmmmmmmmmm no I would rather be with my friends and family having a good time.

[laptopdancer]

It doesnt really depend on the balance of income, but more on what type of jobs each in the house. My partner does very physically demanding work. I dont, mine is brain power. My husband works very odd hours and requires physical stamina and concentration. He can be out at work at 1 am, 3 am, whenever. I have an "office" job.
If he went to an office and did something equivalent to mine, maybe Id expect more from him. And yes, I get paid more than him.

[norriscoleforpm]

I do get irritated when people tell me I'm 'lucky' because DH does a lot more than other husbands/partners perhaps do..for example he always does the food shopping, without exception - he also shops for the children's clothes. I, on the other hand, always hunt for the family holidays. I'm not 'lucky', we've just worked out our strengths and weakness within the partnership

[SinicalSal]

Well I agree with Xenia to an extent, except for the bit that money = power, (shouldn't in a relationship), and being a high earner somehow exempts you from the crappy bits of life that are somehow more suitable for low earners.
But as regards equal division of housework, she's right.

Both partners should get equal amounts leisure time, how on earth can you justify any other arrangements? I would love to see OP's husband try.

Maybe he does loads of DIY and gardening. IME that never makes up for the drudgery and endlessness of housework. I saw on here once someone said 'He mows the lawn? That's just hoovering the grass. Compare him mowing and you hoovering and see is it equal'. Thought it was good.

[laptopdancer]

Its an interesting concept that because I have a large passive income, I should be able to sit on my arse while someone who works very hard, yet earns less, should do the balance of the house work.

[Bonsoir]

"Both partners should get equal amounts leisure time, how on earth can you justify any other arrangements? I would love to see OP's husband try."

Hmm. Not sure about this one. If one partner has a really full-on job and the other one a much calmer one, maybe the partner with a really full-on job needs more down time (at weekends, say) to recover enough in order to fulfil his/her job demands?

[hocuspontas]

You mean the one that does the lion's share of the gruntwork at home presumably bonsoir?

[Bonsoir]

Not necessarily. If one partner is at work in a local office all week and the other is travelling all over the globe, the one with jet lag might need a lot more rest.

[Bonsoir]

I have two close girlfriends who travel massively for work while their partners do much more sedentary jobs and are the ones who fit around the children. Both families have FT live-in nannies, however.

[SinicalSal]

Well I suppose if one is a paediatric neurosurgeon and one a chocolate beer & mattress tester you'd have a point Bonsoir but for most working couples I'd imagine the stress levels are much more in sync. Plus if you don't feel put upon & therefore resentful you'd be much more forgiving of the occasional Exhausting Day from your partner and pick up some slack, specially if it works both ways.

[Bonsoir]

No, I don't think "most working couples" have equivalent levels of stress. In most working couples I know, one half is all guns blazing and has zero domestic responsibilities/all free time when not working because otherwise their job is impossible to manage.

[SinicalSal]

Different worlds bonsoir we could list the circumstances of our social circles all day and it'd prove nothing.

[laptopdancer]

I dont agree most working couples have an equal amount of working stress either. Im not sure how you can conclude that tbh.

[SinicalSal]

Really? Good days and bad days, I wouldv'e thought. Not that easy to quantify where both earners work in average jobs with average levels of responsibilities. Which by definition is the average worker.

[hocuspontas]

Bonsoir - if it was the males with the high-flying jobs would they still have FT nannies?

And even if one has the bed tester job and one has a stressful weekday job (and I don't necessarily include globe-trotting in that), the weekends are equal leisure time. Not stressballl on the golf course and bed tester cooking, cleaning and washing as usual.

[Bonsoir]

How do I know? Yes, probably. Though IME women don't like having the nanny underfoot after a long working day while men much prefer a helping hand!

[Astronaut79]

Cleanish house. Both of us work full time and have 1 ds with another on the way. CHores are split 50/50 and generally done in a half-arsed, speedy way on a saturday morning because we both hate it. Sadly can't afford a cleaner, so we do what we do to get by. I'd rather spend time with DS than have a perfect house - although scheduled visits by older relatives turn me into a cleaning loon!