to let DD's bedroom out to a homeless person now that she has left for university?

[RebelFromTheWaistDown]

The homeless person is DD's 20yo boyfriend of nearly a year.

When she met him he was 19 and unemployed and living in the local hostel for the homeless. He found a job after he met her which only lasted a few weeks then he was laid off. Then in April this year he found a job that he loves and has remained in. He is only on apprenticeship wage £2.60 an hour until next April when he will move up to min wage. Obviously he cannot afford to move out of the hostel.

I have seen his room in the hostel and it is a very sad and lonely place. Since meeting DD he has spent nearly every day after work at our house eating with us and for the past 3 months we have allowed him to stay over weekends only.

I received a text last night from DD asking if we could rent out her room to him until next April when he is getting a 'decent wage'. I have said yes but DH said no fucking way.

I have argued with DH about it last night and now this morning he says he needs to think it over for a few days. He likes the lad but is suspicious of why this lad can't live with his own family. His parents and younger siblings live in the same town as us but this is not an option for him. He does not get on with them. DH wants to think over the possible pitfalls.

I wonder if MNers could advise on possible pitfalls/benefits to this situation? Anyone had any experience of this?

[Yesterdays]

I think the best thing you can do for this man is to keep your ears open about any evening or weekend jobs that are available . Millions of families and young students have to do this and they do it without complaint , its just part of life .

If he had £50 a week to spend on clothes and transport ( food is provided free of charge ) then he was better off than most and shouldnt have been eating out of your fridge every night . Im tempted to ask if he smokes but wont .

[TotemPole]

I agree with Yesterdays. Just a couple of 4 hour shifts in a pub would make big difference.

[gallicgirl]

OP - he shouldn't have to pay council tax, or at least not all of it. I think he could be disregarded as an apprentice. Also, even though he's working, because he's on a low wage, he can still claim housing benefit. However, if he moved into your house, this wouldn't be the case. Perhaps you could help him speak to his local council about making a new claim?

[leftblank]

AlpinePony - you are very wise. I do believe that is why she acted that way. I think a lot of it was awkwardness.

[Yesterdays]

I think that before you even consider this further you need to do your homework . Does he REALLY have to pay full rent and council tax despite his very low income ? I would check into that , as i thought that housing benefit and council tax were income based . I think you have accepted his story of hardship , ie " only having £50 a week for clothes and transport " as a tale of woe , when i dont think that was the case at all .

Thousands of people on income support , jobseekers allowance , pensioners ect live on a similar amount . Out of that amount they have to pay gas , electric , water , tv liscence , food , clothes , travel , and essential household items . Ive done it , as have many others , and i didnt go and eat at someone elses house every night .

Your daughters boyfreind didnt have those sort of out goings when he was on the dole , his only outgoings were clothes and travel , so why was he eating at your home every night ? Presumably he wasnt travelling much as he wasnt working , and presuming he wasnt buying clothes , thats £50 a week in his pocket , more than enough to buy his own food instead of cadging off your family .

Im afraid op , that rather than feeling sorry for this young man , i would be wary of him . Your daughter obviously feels sorry for him as do you , him telling your daughter that hes been hungry since she went stinks to me of being manipulative and guilt tripping . Time for him to grow up and get a second job .

[MrMan]

If DH doesn't want someone living in your house it doesn't matter if he is the Pope, the answer is no. Turn it around... what if DH had a down-on-his-luck mate you didn't want around? My DW would probably fry me for breakfast if I tried that (and I wouldnt blame her). If you force this on him, he will resent it.

[MrMan]

[RebelFromTheWaistDown]

I wouldn't force it. No way.

[TotemPole]

Does he REALLY have to pay full rent and council tax despite his very low income ? I would check into that , as i thought that housing benefit and council tax were income based

He should still be eligible for top up payments for HB/CTB if his income is low.

[RebelFromTheWaistDown]

Only breakfast is included in the hostel.

[sherbetpips]

Would have to say no, your daughter will probably move on and he will be there, how will you then get him out of the house? There are so many things that could go wrong with this scenario, if you and dh are prepared to deal with them then go for it, if not he is an adult now and must build his own life.

[StillSquiffy]

I'd defer the issue, tell DD something along the lines that you would be happy to have him round for dinner on Mon, Wed, Fri and that if they are still going strong during the Xmas holidays he can perhaps move in when she heads back to Uni after Xmas. that way you will be supporting both your DD and her BF whilst ensuring that you and Dh are only potentially on the hook for 3 months max.

I'd lay down money that your DD will have split up with him by then and if not then they are likely to be together for the long haul, and you will at least get a damn good insight into the type of person he is and can also guide him in how to support your DD long term.

TBH I'd be minded to take it at fair value and assume he really is very desperate - I can't imagine many young men wanting to move into their GF's parents house when they presumably have far more freedom in a hostel - I imagine he probably is very down and missing your DD just as much as you are.

Worst case scenario could be that your DD swaps out of halls into a rented bedsit and tells BF to jack in his job and move in with her at her Uni town.... I imagine your DH would prefer anything to that level of acceleration...

[Yesterdays]

I personally wouldnt have him move in under any circumstances , and i wouldnt have him round to eat regularly either , for all the reasons i mentioned earlier , and because of this -

If it was my daughter , i would want to ensure that he likes her because he just does , not because he gets free food and can stay in a comfortable house each weekend . As horrible as it sounds some people are like this .

I know lots of people on jobseekers or some other benefit , i would not have them eating at my home every night , and most familys wouldnt put up with it , and certainly not for a year . You sound like a kind generous family , but really , it sounds like this guy has been taking advantage of your kind nature .

[purplewednesday]

If he is in a hostel then he will have a key worker whose job it is to find him accommodation. People can't stay in hostels indefinately - they aren't designed for that. If you take him in then he loses his homeless/ vulnerable housed status. How does he get away with staying at your place every weekend without being kicked out of the hostel?

I work with a lot of patients who live in hostels, and most people who live there have some kind of substance misuse and /or criminal record. Folk who have a hostel bed but don't use it are abusing the system and taking away a place from someone even more vulnerable than they are, so hostel staff take a very dim view of people who don't actually sleep there (causes problems for the "working girls" who are out at night "working").

I know this is hard but don't get drawn into a sob story. He needs to make his own way in life. If he loses his job or the relationship ends it will put him and you in a worse position. He will have a paid professional whose job it is to find him suitable accomodation. If he hasn't told you that then you need to consider why.

[ImperialBlether]

I've gone through Entitled To and put in that he earned £100 and paid £50 rent in shared accommodation. With those figures, he'd get £23 back in housing benefit.

I can't believe, though, that the hostel hasn't sorted out his benefits.

It does seem wrong that he'd be better off on the dole - he even has to pay poll tax now on such a low income where he doesn't on the dole.

If you let him stay over the Christmas period, he will lose his place in the hostel.

Without more information about why he's in the position he's in, it's hard to say what to do. I wouldn't have him live with me though if I were you - your husband has a right to say who lives there and if the relationship ends, your daughter will have forgotten all her pleas to let him live with you.

[ivykaty44]

DH wants to think over the possible pitfalls.

Your dd is making a new life at uni and if they split up this will be difficult

Why isn't he working with his own family - they possibly didn't get on? Living with someone full time is different from them visiting

What if he gets a new g/f?

What if you find out he has nasty habits after he has moved in it will put a srain on your relationship with your dd if they do stay together

[buzzskillington]

The chances are very high that your DD will outgrow this boyfriend while she's at uni, and then you have a real problem. By all means, be kind and help him out, but don't have him move into your house.

[Whatmeworry]

I also think you shouldn't make DH have to "be the bastard" and make the heartless decision here.

[TotemPole]

It does seem wrong that he'd be better off on the dole - he even has to pay poll tax now on such a low income where he doesn't on the dole.

Over all if he's working his income will be higher. If he's in a flat share the council tax will only work out a few £ a week. I'm not sure about lodging in family home.

I think the problem is if the work expenses such as travel are proportionally high then working can lead to being worse off.

I don't see how his only options are the hostel or lodging with the OP. There must be some help he can get with finding lodgings elsewhere.

[AllGoodNamesGone]

Also, what if he finishes his apprenticeship and the company realise they cannot afford to take him on full time at minimum wage? Noone knows what's around the corner in this climate. I really hope it does work out for him and that, come April, he is able to afford to rent a bedsit or whatever, but if he can't...

[GingerLa]

Heya,

If his apprentiship is considered full time education which I know a few are he will not be allowed HB, income support is for ppl with children or 25's n over althou Im sure he should get help with Council Tax benefit...

Although I understand some of the other comments here, I would open my house to him if I had the space! (provided OH agrees) Obviously a contract would be needed and discussions about what happens If something unexpected occurs (break up, loss of job) and a serious meeting about house rules n wats expected (and not expected) of him... I moved away young and struggled beyond belief only making it because of some truely wonderful ppl...

I believe you take out what you give in life and charity really does start at home... just make sure your fully protected first!!

[ImperialBlether]

TotemPole, did you not see he's only on £2 something an hour?

[ImperialBlether]

Ginger, so he moves in and your daughter says she's met a new bloke at university. What do you do then? She wants to come and visit - wants to bring the new man - what happens then? The boy then gets a new girlfriend and wants her to stay the night (in your daughter's room), which he has the right to do as he lives there. What happens then?

[BoastingByStealth]

I haven't read all the responses yet, just the first page....I can see everyone has a reason to be against this. I agree really. It would be lovely of you to do it, to help this boy out and bring him to the bosom of a warm loving family, and I can fully understand your reasons for wanting to. You sound lovely. DD has only JUST gone, you really need to give it some time before letting him jump into her empty bed. She may be home from uni more often than you thought, esp if it's not too far away, and he could "practically" live at yours when she's home. Your DH says "NO FUCKING WAY" which sounds pretty final to me, but now he says he'll mull over it. Perhaps to keep you happy and stop him being the bad guy to you, DD and partner.

Someone mentioned the amount of time they'd be together on holidays, but surely he could go to spend some time living at her uni place for some weekends, if the residence is year round and not just term time?


Whatever you do, do nothing YET. It's far too soon. (You may be suffering from "empty nest syndrome!" :)

I'd just offer him his tea a couple of nights a week, take it easy before jumping straight in. I value my space and having my home as my own, having a relative stranger (excuse the pun) moove in would be a massive shock.

The room at your mum's sounds like an option, if your mum is ok with this and she has a spare room and an equally warm, loving, calm environment for him to move into. How would the rest of the family react to your mum giving shelter to this lad?

He doesn't have to lose his place in the housing list, he can be at yours/mum's "care of" and still be classed as homeless.

[Meteorite]

Be as supportive as possible - you can give him meals often and have him to stay. But he needs to be residing in the hostel so he can then be on the list for better accommodation and more steps to independence.