to let DD's bedroom out to a homeless person now that she has left for university?

[RebelFromTheWaistDown]

The homeless person is DD's 20yo boyfriend of nearly a year.

When she met him he was 19 and unemployed and living in the local hostel for the homeless. He found a job after he met her which only lasted a few weeks then he was laid off. Then in April this year he found a job that he loves and has remained in. He is only on apprenticeship wage £2.60 an hour until next April when he will move up to min wage. Obviously he cannot afford to move out of the hostel.

I have seen his room in the hostel and it is a very sad and lonely place. Since meeting DD he has spent nearly every day after work at our house eating with us and for the past 3 months we have allowed him to stay over weekends only.

I received a text last night from DD asking if we could rent out her room to him until next April when he is getting a 'decent wage'. I have said yes but DH said no fucking way.

I have argued with DH about it last night and now this morning he says he needs to think it over for a few days. He likes the lad but is suspicious of why this lad can't live with his own family. His parents and younger siblings live in the same town as us but this is not an option for him. He does not get on with them. DH wants to think over the possible pitfalls.

I wonder if MNers could advise on possible pitfalls/benefits to this situation? Anyone had any experience of this?

[BlueFergie]

I know why you want to do this and it is a hard thing to say no to but there is a lot to take into consideration, including what would happen if he and DD split up.
For me the biggest thing would be DH's reservations. My DH would never agree to this. He would not have anyone other than me and the kids live in the house. As this is his home you should respect his wishes and not try and brow beat him into accepting something he is clearly not comfortable with. It will lead to rows and resentment between the two of you.
This guy is in a difficult position, but he has a roof over his head and the very real possibility of moving out under his own steam in 6 months. He is not your child so you are not responsible for offering him subsidised accommadation as you would your own children.

[ExpensivePants]

Whatever else, I would be wary because of the difficulty it would put you in if/when they split up. They might not of course, but what would you do if they did?

[Hullygully]

I'd do it if you can think of a solution for what ghappens when dd comes home for the holidays (unless you are all happy that they share), or what happens if they break up, as others have said.

[Whatmeworry]

Bad idea. DH is right.

DD will break up with BF, its the nature of going to Uni, and then you have a self-created Interesting Situation to manage.

[StickyProblem]

Perhaps you could offer him some help with the admin side of getting on the housing list, registering with HAs etc.

If he manages to get out of the hostel into his own place and pay his rent out of his earnings, even if it's a scruffy bedsit, that will be an opportunity for him to take real and justifiable pride in his independence.

If, on the other hand, he comes to yours, as people have already said it will be hard for him to get back on the ladder, and also a bedsit might seem a harsh comedown after being snugly esconced in your DD's room. I also agree it puts their relationship under huge pressure.

You are being really kind to help him out like this, best of luck.

[MagdaMagyarMadam]

I work in the supported housing sector and not all "hostels" as like the OP describes, ours certainly aren't - however some are grim.

I don't know what part of the country you are from so can't make any specific suggestions of more suitable alternatives (feel free to pm me).

Supported lodgings are a different type of provision which offer a young person the chance to live in a family home with support and often linked to education, training and employment. www.communities.gov.uk/publications/housing/makingadifference There are a number of support organisations, including mine, that run such schemes, funded through local authorities. They offer what you are trying to provide for this young man.

I do agree with other posters that there are wider issues here, most importantly around the future of your daughters relationship with him. If it didn't work out the young man would be faced with losing home and friendship as well as close personal relationship in one fell swoop - a lot for anyone to cope with.

Why not try to support him to find more suitable supported accommodation while still providing him with friendship and a warm welcome to your home on a regular basis?

[RebelFromTheWaistDown]

Thanks for the replies. I will take some more time to think things over myself. I will speak to DD tonight.

[ZombiePlan]

I think it's unfair on your DD (even if your DH was on board with the idea). You're basically deciding for her that she should move in with her boyfriend (unless of course you plan to not let her come home for the holidays - you can't realistically house him for half the year and then kick him out for the rest of it). Even if their relationship does last the course (which is statistically unlikely - LOTS of couples split up when one goes to uni) she may well not be ready to cohabit. Would be nice of you to help him find somewhere else to live, though.

[spiderpig8]

Don't do it.
A 20yr old homeless unemployed boyfriend was not exactly a catch was he?
After a term at Uni the chances are she will have outgrown him.Let the room out to someone else

[ImperialBlether]

I wouldn't put your mum in that position, either.

You don't know why he doesn't live with his family, do you? What if there were reasons that he hasn't shared with you?

I agree, too, about it accelerating his relationship with your daughter. In all likelihood their relationship won't last - what would happen then? What about if she came home from university for a weekend or Christmas - would she have to share a room with him? What if she needed to study or wanted to have her friends to stay over?

Is he unable to claim housing benefit or other benefits when he's on such a low wage? It seems very unfair that he shouldn't be able to do this.

[Sleepyspaniel]

Don't do it. My mum was similar minded about a young relative (girl). The girl moved in and within weeks they fell out about untidyness, coming in late, having friends around, room a tip etc. Once the girl relaxed she reverted into a bit of stroppy teenager, which is a sign she felt comfortable which was flattering, but was bloody annoying for Mum & Dad who had not signed up to be her parents.

Also my dad was never keen in the first place and it got worse not better for him. Little things like he felt he couldn't wander around his own house, enjoy a shit in his own toilet in peace. My mum felt she couldn't watch Miss Marple and Morse as the girl didn't like those things being a lot younger. My mum had imagined cosy mealtimes but the girl changed her mind on things like being in for dinner, so there was wastage which pissed both my parents off too. It just didn't work basically.

I would continue to support this young man but to have another young and possibly troubled male in the house on a long standing and every day basis is taking on quite a bit. All kinds of resentments can come out as my parents found with the girl - she took out her annoyance/anger on them that she'd not had this cosy family set up with her own family, so she just didn't cope/couldn't accept it like they thought she would.

[Sleepyspaniel]

Also... your daughter may well move on as young people do especially when they go to Uni. If it works out well with this lad you might find your loyalties split between your daughter and him and I can tell you from personal experience being the daughter of a mum who is a sucker for a sob story, your daughter will be super pissed off if she has cooled off from him but you haven't. Don't risk pissing your DD off for this lad by doing something as drastic as moving him into your home like he's family, because the moment she's fed up with him she will want him OUT at some point whereas you might not. I'm still miffed over things my mum did to support various waifs and strays, at my expense in lots of ways.

[FabbyChic]

I think it is a fantastic idea, but it would be better if he rented a room at your mums. Remember though that he earns little and might not be able to contribute much.

[Nanny0gg]

I had a friend of my DD lodge for a little while and in the end I hated it (I'm not the world's most sociable person) and it was my idea!
It just felt intrusive.
So if your DH doesn't want it, it's not fair to do it.
And as previous posters have said, you don't know why he can't live at home and it might not be his parents' fault.

What would you do if your DD and the boy split up? Very awkward situation possible there.

[Sleepyspaniel]

I missed the bit about how you might ask your mum.

How old is your mum? Does she live alone? Do you know the lad's friends? What if he has them back to your mums, do you think she would be ok with that? Why are you roping in your mum?!

I think you should consider why you are going to such lengths for this lad. Maybe it's to fill something in you rather than just doing something for him.

[SansaLannister]

I'm with your DH.

[KenDoddsDadsDog]

It's a lovely idea and you sound really kind. But don't do it, especially not to your mam.

[leftblank]

My brother's girlfriend lived with us for years. Paid about £50pm. She was rude and aloof. He is now married to someone amazing. My parents don't even think about that period of time but I do, and admire them for letting someone have a much nicer quality of life. I bet it made all the difference to her.

I'm soft as shite though.

[Sandalwood]

No. I agree with allday too.
It puts pressure on your DD.
Don't ask your mum either.

[RebelFromTheWaistDown]

I spoke to DD last night. It seems the system is against this lad getting on in life from what she told me. When she first met him he got dole of £50ish a week. Additionally HB and CTB covered the most of the rent and council tax. He only had to pay £4 from his dole towards his digs. So he had around £50 per week for food, clothes and transport.

He lost his benefits when he started working and now has to pay full rent and CT for a single person and after paying for his monthly bus pass to get to work he has no money for luxuries such as FOOD and has survived because he came to our house nearly every day. DH did nickname the lad the lodger as a joke!

He has been hungry since DD left for uni! He would be able to survive if he quit work an went on the dole but he is convinced that there is a future in this job and does not want to jeopardise this opportunity. He does not want to end up like the rest of them in the hostel. He doesn't see himself as desperate as the other guys and does not want to 'fit in'. Having seen this place, I understand what he means.

I told DD what DH said and that I will speak to my mum today. My mum is in her 50s and lives with my younger sister. She has plenty of room and they are out of the house a lot.

[Birdsgottafly]

When i read your title i was going to initially suggest that if you have a spare romm, to contact a charity that houses teenagers, then i saw that it is a teenager you want to house.

In most areas of the country there are big gaps in the system and provision, for adequately providing for teens, living on their own, through no fault of their own.

Weigh up the pros and cons, have very honest conversations between you all and go through 'what if' senarios, don't be afraid to say what you think and remember that everyone in the process is entitled to an opinion and to say how they feel.

[Yesterdays]

Hes on £2.60 an hour but has to pay full rent and council tax ? Is that right if he is living in a hostel ? Is there not any help available with bus fares ect if you are a aprentice ?

I wouldnt do it , and i wouldnt set it up for him to go to your mums either . I do not accept that things are so tight he cannot afford to buy himself food , and i would be concerned about your daughters feeling of responsibility towards him , coupled with the fact he says hes been hungry since shes gone . I dont like the sound of that .

Hes 20 , hes a grown up . If , as he claims he is literally starving , he needs to quit the aprentice ship and get a proper job , or he needs to find some evening work , ie bar work or something . It isnt ok to for him to have been eating at your house every night or bleating to your daughter about being hungry . Lots of young people have to get shit evening jobs to make ends meet , why cant he ?

[Yesterdays]

You also need to think about the cost of having him there Op .

Youve said that since meeting your daughter he has eaten at your house nearly every night . You also say that when he was not working he had around £50 a week for clothes , food , and transport .

Seeing as he wasnt buying any food because he was eating at yours every night , that left him £50 a week for clothes and transport .He wasnt going very far because he wasnt working . Did he ever contribute towards the food he was consuming at your place , or pick up any bits of shopping ? If not , why not ?

I do not have £50 a week for clothes and transport and if i did , i would not be eating out of other peoples fridges every day .

[AlpinePony]

leftblank I'm sure she appreciated it more than you'll ever know - although perhaps you'll run in to her one day and she'll be able to tell you. I was totally "lost" at that age and didn't know how to express gratitude/warmth/love/whatever when someone showed me kindness. I was often called aloof - I didn't mean to be - I was crippled with embarrassment. How could it be that "strangers" could show me such kindness when my own family couldn't? How can you articulate that? It's not easy trying to comprehend why your own kin have rejected you.

rebel I am so happy to read that you are still considering the options - and, I believe he's being on the level with you. Realistically, as a British single male with no children he doesn't stand a snowball's chance in hell of getting his own council flat - even if he were to, the basic utility bills and council tax would leave him no better off than he currently is. :( I really do hope that you can come to a happy solution because he must have some very good qualities for your daughter to be in love with him, for you to want to help him (rather than just saying "good riddance to bad rubbish") and he sounds as though he does want a better life - whether it be with your daughter or in time, another woman.

I'm saddened that so many have expressed the opinion that he should "rot". I am all for helping people when I genuinely can. OP could donate 20 quite a month to Oxfam if she wanted to - but this is real charity from the heart.

[AllGoodNamesGone]

OP, you are clearly a lovely, kind person, but please consider really carefully what you could be potentially letting yourself/your mum in for here.

I would not do this in a million years!

If your mum does take him in, will he be paying her the going rate for board and lodgings or are you expecting her to subsidise him?

Perhaps, as you seem to feel he is doing his best in difficult circumstances, you could offer to have him round for dinner a couple of times a week or buy his bus pass for him until April. Help him out in a way that won't lose him his place on the council waiting list and won't leave you/your mum with a lodger you desperately want rid of (do you really think his relationship with your DD will last till Christmas?!) but are stuck with because he's lost his place in the hostel.