To feel irritated by friend claiming she is skint

[startofnewterm]

A friend of mine is always moaning that she is skint. She regularly asks for lifts to save her on taxi money for nights out and is always borrowing things.

The thing is, she recently inherited a few hundred thousand and chose to buy property with it that she now rents out. She puts the rent into savings for her children which she intends to use to fund them through university.

It really gets on my nerves that she claims to be skint. She might not have alot of disposable income but thats because she has chosen to put all her rental money into savings. Something most people dont have the luxury of being able to do.

We are going out to dinner in a few weeks with lots of other friends and she has asked me to pick her up to save on taxi fare.

[EightiesChick]

Just refuse to do stuff that subsidises her, then. So with the lift, just say 'sorry, I can't, I'm afraid'. Don't give reasons why as then she can argue back. If she asks why not, just keep it simple and factual 'We won't be passing your place'. The only way to deal with this is just to not play along with it but not feel you have to explain or get defensive. It's your choice, the same as it was her choice to put her money into property (fair enough but then she can't expect others to subsidise her lack of liquidity).

[Whatmeworry]

The thing is, she recently inherited a few hundred thousand and chose to buy property with it that she now rents out. She puts the rent into savings for her children which she intends to use to fund them through university

Sorry, this shouts "user". I find the miniute you say "no" they go away.....

[lesley33]

I don't think you should say to her that she should spend some of her rent income on things like travel. It is up to her how she spends her money.

The point is that you know shes not really skint. So it is perfectly reasonable to say you can give her a lift if she gets to yours. 14 miles extra journey is significant. If she queries this just say you don't have the time to pick her up or that your DH isn't willing to come out and pick her up.

You need to get her out of the habit of thinking she can rely on you for lifts. If she asks you for a lift and you were going to get a taxi, say no you can't give her one as you are going to get a taxi.

It is harder to sound reasonable and say no to her borrowing things. So why don't you start asking if you can borrow things of hers so it is reciprocal. If she says no, then refuse to let her borrow things of yours.

[Purplegirlie]

OP, I think you would find that if you stand up to your friend and refuse to meet her demands, one of two things will happen; she will either drop you as a friend (which I'm thinking perhaps wouldn't be a big loss for you really) or will sort out how she behaves towards you and will respect you more as you stand up to her. I would definitely try to be more assertive towards here though, it's not fair that she makes these demands on you

[LoveInAColdClimate]

Agree with all the people saying to tell her to get herself to yours if she wants a lift. I would never drive 14 miles out of my way to give a friend a lift (other than in an emergency, obviously). That's insane!

[Sandinmyshoes]

I would just send her a text or give her a quick call saying something like "I've checked with DH and all good for the lift, but you'll need to get yourself here and then we'll call you a cab from here on the way back - hope that's ok, looking forward to seeing you!". It's not an unreasonable request given that you're doing her a favour, so just keep it light and breezy.

I did the people pleaser (verging on doormat) thing for years, and it slowly but surely eats away at your confidence and self worth unless you learn to say what you want to say and do what you want to do (within reason!). People will not walk away from you or dislike you just because you don't do everything they ask of you, but they will keep asking you for more if you always say yes.

[iscream]

Tell her to make her own way to your place, then she can get a ride from there. Or say you don't have any gas /petrol and can she throw in towards that?

[Purplegirlie]

I too would start saying No. Don't apologise, don't offer an explanation. Just a text saying "Won't be able to offer you a lift tonight, see you there" should suffice.

[sausagesandmarmelade]

Start saying NO and stop pandering to her ways

[snippywoo2]

just say yeah ok, your a mug she knows your a mug move on. Your the mug friend she can depend on sorted.

[Iamseeingstars]

I wouldnt expect my partner to drive a long way out of his way to pick up people unless it was reciprocated on a regular basis.

My partner would actually travel to the other end of the country to pick someone up if I asked him, but it is the principal.

I had this many years ago and I got that I stopped going to the events (my loss) until she finally got the message and realised she needed to make other arrangements.

You will have to be firm and stop lending stuff, keep stuff out of view so she cant see it to borrow it (you will know her trends and likes).

You dont have to fund her lifestyle and if she wants to socialise it is up to her to sort herself out. Your kindnes is now getting the better of you

[ImperialBlether]

If she has bought property worth half a million, she must have inherited a million, mustn't she?

If she has no mortgage on the properties, she must be bringing in quite a bit of rent. Is she really saving all of it for her children's university fees?

[theincredibequeenofwands]

So who is paying for her meal and drinks??

If she were proper skint she wouldn' be going.

[minxofmancunia]

YANBU, skint is struggling to keep a roof over your head, and worrying about bills and food. People who have loads of savings aren't skint. They're choosing to live their life on limited means and v v lucky to be able to save/afford so much.

[skybluepearl]

text her and say 'can you drive to mine and then I'll drive us in'. don't give an explination but if pushed you could say that it makes more sense and will save you the drive.

[TragicallyHip]

If you are struggling to say no just tell her you are short on time that night and if she wants a lift she will have to make her own way to yours.

She is taking the piss tbh and I wouldn't let her get away with it!

[ImperialBlether]

Someone is going to pay for her journey, either you or her. Think about it.

Say your husband won't be free until going-out time. If she asks you to drive to pick her up, say you'll be getting ready. If she says anything else, say, "Oh for christ's sake, just get a fucking taxi!"

[fatlazymummy]

This woman isn't skint. She is earning rent on properties worth huindreds of thousands. I know in my area that would be thousands of pounds er month and I don't live in a particularly classy area. She should set aside a little for day to day expenses. Personally I would call her on it.
They do say that many rich people are tight and that's how they stay rich.

[rogersmellyonthetelly]

Sorry but she is saving her money and effectively spending yours for you. It's not fair. Why should you fork out extra money driving to pick her up when she won't spend her own? If shes that skint she can stay in.

[monkeypuzzeltree]

Sorry I wasn't suggesting that you make out you have plenty, just that if she is always saying how skint she is and you don't say anything and then offer the lifts, etc. she is just being given the green light to take and not think about how it might impact you. What does she do for you?

[TheGhostNotMe]

The thing is, its different people's conceptions of "skint". If she is used to lots of money, not having cash there and then might make her think she really is skint.

Take an ex colleague for example. She was moaning the other day about how hard up she was, could only afford £1500 cash for a 10 day holdau where her friends had double that. She honestly thinks she is skint, as she has a big lifestyle. I could hardly bite my lip - skint to me is crossing my fingers I havent used the emergency on the key meter yet so I have enough electric to get me through the week. Counting out every pound and penny on the kitchen worktop every week to ensure we pay everything. But equally because I am good at budgetting (and bargain hunting!) every now and then we get treats too - so other people think we are better off than "skint".

But, YANBU to be pissed off being her taxi service!!

[suburbophobe]

She sounds awful.....

Personally, I wouldn't be spending too much time with people like this. They just use you.

Why should you be her personal taxi service? Don't let her walk all over you.

Will she be around for you when times are tough, no thought not.

[Tchootnika]

Glad to be of assistance, start.
If this is a regualr sort of thing with this friend (or others) then it probably is worth thinking about.
Also, if you're someone who who feels obliged to do favours for other people unless you're actually incapable of doing them (and which they don't really need), then I think you should look at this, because you're perhaps not being fair on yourself.

(My mother was very much like this and effectively taught me to be like this too. I used to assume that I should do anything and everything for friends, even if really they were clearly taking the piss didn't need me to drive them around/put them up for the night/lend them clothes,money, etc...
Life's improved a lot since I've learnt that I can just say no if I want to.)

As for this time, why don't you just say, 'Yeah, maybe, if it's convenient...' and leave it at that?