To not encourage DS (2.8) to have sweets at a party.

[larks35]

DS was invited to a party which he and I went to recently. He's never had sweets and we never have them in the house. I don't have a problem if he wants them at other people's houses but I don't want to be the one to introduce sweets to him. DP is more anti-sweets than I am and doesn't allow his mum to give them to DS (my parents wouldn't as my dad was a dentist).

Anyway we were at this party and in the process of a good old-fashioned game of pass the parcel DS gets a lolly, he inspected it then gave it to me and I put in down. A few more goes later and he gets a bag of fizzy things, this time DS gives me the sweets then asks me for a banana, I tell him that maybe he can have something later (no bananas with me). The lovely mum hosting the party came and gave DS some raisons and he was fine.

However, after the games were over, I had several mums come up and ask if DS had allergies or something wrong that meant he couldn't have sweets! I just explained that he had never had them and didn't know what they were. I then felt distinctly uncomfortable with some of these mums, I felt as though they were thinking I was some sort of sanctamonial cow for not giving sweets to my DS. I also felt from some of the comments that they were feeling as though my decision not to give sweets to DS was a judgement on them and it wasn't! Not in the least!

I'm a bit gutted to be honest as I rarely get to meet other mums from my DS's childminder friends and I think they now see me as something I'm not, just cos I didn't unwrap the lolly and stuff it in his mouth!

i dont think not having sweets turns them into 'sweet fiends' my dd is nearly six and she still quite often cant finish a lolly, she'll throw it in the bin halfway through, i was never given sweets and to this day i just dont have a sweet tooth, i dont even have sugar in coffee!

Of course there's no value in them...they're fun!

I'm not saying you should give them to your baby though...just that for it to cause 'several mums' to ask, is just plain odd.

I don't eat sweets either MrsRhett...well very rarely and then it'll be a boiled fruit sweet. I take sugar in coffee but not tea...and I'm not keen on cakes or biscuits.

Crisps and nuts are my downfall!

But it does amuse me sometimes when parents can't understand kids wanting sweets when you read so often about them devouring chocolate so often themselves...with various MNers cheering them on Lol

Oooh you and me both worra - I'll pass by the sweets and choc without a backward glance but will tear your eyes out if you pinch my Pringles or pretzels. I could eat a multipack of crisps in one go

I genuinely didn't know that raisins were full of sugar!!! How stupid of me.

Of course, now I come to think about it, I know that dried fruit has a high sugar content, just didn't really make the connection with raisins as they seemed to be a healthier choice. My 2 DS hardly eat them though.

We are veggie (got no axe to grind, happy for others to eat whatever) and so I don't want them eating things with gelatin, this includes a lot of sweets. That notwithstanding, I wouldn't want them eating sticky, chewy sweets anyway as they are so bad for their teeth.

I don't mind them eating chocolate as a treat (bribe) (don't know how to score out am afraid!) as at least it has milk in it! However, I realse that I can't enforce that all the time so if they are given haribo or whatever, i will let them have a couple as I don't want to make a big issue of it. My boys know why I don't like them eating chewy sweets, they are 3 and 4 but that doesn't stop them wanting them haha!!!

As for being veggie, DH and I still are but as our DC were going through a phase of hardly eating anything (I bought Quorn stuff etc which they were eating quite happily but then just went through an awkward stage, I think.) so my Dh said, just give them whatever to try and get them to eat.

They will eat some things and I don't buy anything which I think is just rubbish. Sorry for going off at a tangent, this isn't me trying to say being a veggie is the be all and end all, just me trying to explain why I changed my principles. Ideally, I'd rather they didn't eat meat as there are so many other meat substitutes available (DH won't eat Quorn stuff cos it tastes like meat) but I based my change of heart on the need for them to eat something, anything!!! (not looking for advice here!!)

Anyway, am rambling and going totallly OT. had 2 large glasses of wine! yes, ideally they wouldn't have anything with sugar in it but quickly learned that unless you as the parent is prepared to go down that road, then don't expect your DC to do the same. If they see you eating a cake, bar of chocolate etc, well, they will want it too. How I wish I could bribe my DC with fruit haha!! And sincere congratulations to those who can, am not being sarky here.

I know lots of Dc who are not allowed sweets/choc etc , they are always pestering/asking other children for some of theirs.

Well done OP for getting to 2.8 years with no sweets, that's an achievement. Your Dc will be wanting them soon enough when he starts school, I'm sure.

Anyway, apologies if I have offended anyone in any way. As I said, it's late, am tired and a bit tipsy!! Goodnight!

i give my kids sweets, but i wouldnt be bothered if someone else didnt, i mean how we parent is up to us, not the general consensus of society right?

I don't think YABU - it's not like you snatched the sweets out of his hand, with a banshee-like wail, is it? He gave them to you, you put them down. He asked for a banana.
Can't see the problem, nor why people chose to criticise... IF that's what they were doing.
In this day and age, so many children do have allergies/intolerances/sensitivities to stuff that parents of peers will ask about it so they know for their own parties.

Where I go to playgroup, there are several children with different food ishoos - it helps us to know who has what so that we don't inadvertently trigger anything.

Is there any chance the other mums were asking with that point in mind, do you think?

I guess it depends how they asked you. I may have asked you if it looked (to me) like he was being selective in what he was or wasn't eating and I would only ask because I would be impressed that one so young knew what he could and couldn't eat (allergies/vegetarian etc). It would not be any kind of judgement, purely curiosity.

I think sometimes we imagine other peoples' 'attitude/vibe/look' when it's not what they were thinking at all ... see how they are next time you see them.

In this day and age, so many children do have allergies/intolerances/sensitivities to stuff

When i was growing up (60s/70s) food ishoos were just about unknown. Do you all think this is genuinely worse now (and if so, why), or is diagnosis just better, or are parents more into finding ishoos?

Raisins are quite possibly worse for teeth than sweets as they stick and have a more prolonged impact on mouth acidity

I believe that the other mums were interested and you have some deep guilt or concern that you are doing the wrong thing by your child as other parents don't seem to care as much. Nobody said anything to you and yet you imagine that what they are thinking is negative

Don't get this - maybe they were all thinking oh I wish my child wouldn't, maybe they're just interested in a child who doesn't gobble down sweets and why and how you got to that stage - maybe they are in awe? but no you went straight for the negative

In the main other parents don't care quite so much about what you do with your children as people seem to think - unless your child is hurting / insulting their child or being loud / tantruming in a public place

If I saw this at a party I would ask but not out of judgement. I'd be filing it at the back of my mind so when I threw a party I wouldn't put your DS in an awkward situation of giving him something he couldn't have.

It could possibly look a bit pfb as I think at parties most parents let their kids have sweets and by 2 and a half mine knew what sweets were, but its still up to you what you do.

I chose to use a sling for the first few months, glad I did but it certainly got an odd reaction from one post-natal group!

It all seems a fuss about nothing!
I don't believe in keeping sweets from DCs, it is a sure way to make them crave them and labelling food 'good' or 'bad' is counterproductive. It is much better to relax and have everything in moderation.

HOWEVER this is a DC who is little more than a baby, he handed them to his mother,not in the least bothered about them.
He sounds perplexed about the whole thing-I often think that pass the parcel is for the parents-the under 3 yr olds are generally bemused by the whole thing! If you watch them, the majority have very little idea of what is happening-they have to be encouraged to keep it moving, urged to open it, restrained from not opening the whole thing and then be urged to pass it on again. Quite bizarre from their point of view!

While he isn't bothered you might as well make the most of it-especially with the sticky ones. I can't see why anyone else is bothered-or even noticed.

I'd be filing it at the back of my mind so when I threw a party I wouldn't put your DS in an awkward situation of giving him something he couldn't have.

This is a bit extreme! Of course he could have them! She didn't take them off him-he handed them to her. He wasn't in an awkward situation. When he is a bit older he will know what they are and may or may not hand them to her.

I don't see the problem, could understand their questioning if you'd had to fight to get the sweets off him

He would be in an awkward situation if he had pass the parcel and either couldn't have a go or had to have something different.
(people are manufacturing difficulties where there aren't any!)

I'd be thinking "oh gosh*, now even a kids game like pass the parcel has become a battleground for competitive parenting - can't kids just play the bluddy games?"

What I'd say is " how interesting that he won't eat sweets but will eat raisins - does your child have allergies dear?"

Just saying..... :o

Yanbu. Neither of my boys eat sweets and I don't see the point in actively introducing them to them. (5 and 2) For those saying raisins have sugar too - fruit sugar and refined sugar in sweets are very different and are processed differently by the body. It's not always teeth that people are thinking about when they avoid sweets. Aside from the sugar issue, I wouldn't give chewy sweets anyway because of the gelatine.

Whatmeworry - I don't know the answer, and I don't think anyone really does!

I do know that asthma rates now are way higher than when I was at school in the 70s and 80s; eczema seems much higher and more severe; more children have need for an epipen (of course they didn't have those when I was at school) etc.

I have my own theories (based around environmental pollution of the food sources, pesticide overuse etc.) but I tend to keep those to myself in general. However, I have a friend at one playgroup whose child is one big mass of eczema and he has several anaphylactic level food allergies as well who also thinks environment must play a part as there is no history of it in her family (not that it's a castiron case, you understand, just a thought).

I don't believe it's just better diagnosis. I don't think there was anythign wrong with people's ability to diagnose asthma and eczema back when I was a child, there genuinely was less of it about, I am sure.

Also, immunology itself is a relatively young science and really we don't understand the immune system entirely at all. I did a Masters degree in it in the early 90s and a good percentage of what I was taught has now been found to be not quite correct, with advancing mechanisms of study and research. It may be some time yet before we really "get" it!

A 5 yr old and a 2 yr old are very different. A 5 yr old would understand pass the parcel and unless they never go out they will have come across sweets and the mother will have had to have been very controlling to keep them away from them.

My youngest will only drink water - no squash, fizzy drinks, fruit juice, rarely milk.

Won't eat sweets. Is a fiend for chocolate and will sniff it out from anywhere.

Will always ask for fruit when out and about.

Clears his plate at dinner time, including any vegetables that may be put on it.

Makes me look like a saint, and is always commented on when goes to anyone's house, the parents are in awe of my parenting skills.

Then they see my eldest - who just demolishes everything and anything in their path, any drink will have, and food etc.

Both have incredibly slim figures and very good teeth.

Absolutely nothing to do with my parenting skills

If I was you OP, I would respond with, 'oh he doesn't like them' and leave it as that.

I agree it is nothing to do with parenting skills, mine used to ask for milk or water at parties until he was about 7yrs-he just didn't like fizzy. It was nothing to do with me. His younger brother happily drank fizzy.

Exotic - not sure why you think I would need to be very controlling. We don't buy them and he doesn't ask for them. He knows where gelatine comes from so he wouldnt eat jelly sweets. He eats chocolate occasionally and loves it but knows it's not something we eat all the time. It's not a big deal.

Is a parent considered controlling if they don't allow their child to eat snacks before meals or won't buy chocolate covered breakfast cereal? We all have different boundaries.

Therefore he has been introduced to sweets and he knows what they are bumblymummy-that isn't what you said.