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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

would this xwife stunt irritate you?

29 replies

bakeyouhappy · 23/08/2011 05:26

Dh owns his own business. We have been married for 6 years. Xwife calls today and says she has applied for a job (previously unemployed) and she has put him down as a reference. She wrote that she has been a manager at his company for the last ten years and her reason for leaving is that they are recently divorced. She wants him to lie. My head is spinning. This surely is not ok. Or aibu because I just hate her?

OP posts:
catsmother · 23/08/2011 05:36

Of course it's not okay. DH can't be expected to lie for her - it's ridiculous, and, if found out, she'd be sacked from her new job anyway. Not sure what the legal implications for him would be for producing a false reference but I sure as hell wouldn't want to risk any trouble. If the new company does ever contact him, he needs to reply that they are mistaken and that Ms X has never worked for him. Tough if she then loses out - that's what comes of lying.

MrsVidic · 23/08/2011 05:38

She may have had a part in his company I.e perhaps he regularly asked her for advice/ help etc. Did she make decisions when he couldn't? If not then she is being cheeky and he should refuse, of she did then he should give her a true reference reflecting that. Did his career prevent her from working?

Original poster
bakeyouhappy · 23/08/2011 05:55

She had worked with him in the past, before they divorced, but he started this company after they went their separate ways. She likes to blame him for everything, and this in not unusual behavior for her. I really feel like I might be off sometimes because I get so irritated.

OP posts:
Shanghaidiva · 23/08/2011 05:59

You are not being unreasonable, she is. I would not lie for her.

DuelingFanjo · 23/08/2011 06:22

Is he going to do it?

gailpottertilsleyplatt · 23/08/2011 06:36

Plenty of people fib on their CV.

Not me obviously Blush

gailpottertilsleyplatt · 23/08/2011 06:37

Meant to add, I think your DH could be on dodgy legal ground if he provides a dishonest reference for her.

Original poster
bakeyouhappy · 23/08/2011 16:30

I didn't think about the legal aspect... Good point. Afaik dh is going to lie, just because he doesn't want to deal with her reaction if he says no.

OP posts:
HopeEternal · 23/08/2011 16:38

bakeyouhappy, you might want to repost this in the Employment section and ask about the potential legal liability of providing a false reference.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/employment_issues

picnicbasketcase · 23/08/2011 16:43

It would do more than irritate me - I would be mad as hell. She's trying to involve him in deeply underhand and possibly illegal activity - he needs to tell her to go and whistle up a lamp post.

Original poster
bakeyouhappy · 23/08/2011 16:45

Thanks hope, I am in the US but I will warn dh of the possibility of legal liability. I was just on to have a rant.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 23/08/2011 16:45

If it would mean his kids are able to benefit from their mother getting a wage, then it really wouldnt bother me.

Original poster
bakeyouhappy · 23/08/2011 16:48

Thank you picnic! That's what I needed to hear!

OP posts:
Original poster
bakeyouhappy · 23/08/2011 16:48

Thank you picnic! That's what I needed to hear!

OP posts:
HeifferunderConstruction · 23/08/2011 16:48

Shes asking him to lie so even if you didnt 'hate her' it would still be innapropriate.

isn't it innapropriate to have an ex partner as a reference??

MyRealName · 23/08/2011 16:50

He shouldn't lie for her. You say it's not unusual behaviour for her, by which I take it to mean she takes advantage of him and he lets her, for a quiet life? I think it's a bit rude to put someone down as a reference, apply for the job and THEN tell them about it, let alone the fact that she is lying on her application. She is obviously used to him pandering to her, and is confident he will not drop her in it. He really shoud tell her that he will not lie for her and give her a chance to amend her CV.

On the other hand, if you hate her and she enjoys taking the piss, try not to get too involved. It will only wind you up, and she sounds like she will probably enjoy it.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 23/08/2011 16:51

Is he happy to possibly be sued for shedloads of money? Cos that's what he is leaving himself open to if he provides a false reference.

CustardCake · 23/08/2011 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snowgirl1 · 23/08/2011 17:01

If a misleading, careless or FALSE reference is provided and the xwife's new employer gives her the job on the basis of the reference and as a result new employer suffers a loss (ie. if xwife is crap at new job and results in her employer losing money), her new employer would be entitled to take action against the person who wrote the reference for providing a fraudulent or negligent misstatement. Obviously, xwife's new employer would have to find out that a false reference had been given - but sometimes these things do come to light, even years later.

Different circumstances, but in this case, the person got found out 6 years later: menmedia.co.uk/manchestereveningnews/news/s/1405946_council_care_worker_used_a_false_reference_to_land_her_job_

LadyBeagleEyes · 23/08/2011 17:13

If she had worked with hin before the divorce then can't he just write her a reference for that time?

DogsBestFriend · 23/08/2011 17:44

It wouldn't irritate me in the least. Why should it? How does it affect you? Confused

Whether I'd privately sympathise with what she's doing or not depends on whether she's purely seeking self-advancement or whether she needs the job because she has children to feed, frankly. However, I'd consider it none of my business on the grounds that the request would impact upon my life not a jot.

DogsBestFriend · 23/08/2011 17:45

God, that's a lot of "whethers"! Sorry! Blush

SouthernFriedTofu · 23/08/2011 17:46

no no no nonon nononononononn nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Please convince him that risking his reputatoin would be fucking stupid. And that most companies rely on outside companies to check their resume. SO they will send info directly to his bank's HR de[t and then your husband will be truly fucked because he lied.

CustardCake · 23/08/2011 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DogsBestFriend · 23/08/2011 17:59

Fair comment, didn't think of that or flick through other responses. Blush Apologies for that.

In which case I still wouldn't be irritated, it's not the sort of thing to bug me (in my case also I'm not the sort of woman to have property in anyone's name but my own or be dependent on a DHs income so personal risk wouldn't be a consideration I suppose).

As I said, I'd be sympathetic if the ex DW has children to provide for and that is her reason for wanting this job. I would do a mental risk assessment as to the likelihood of her fucking up/being caught before I came down on one side of the fence or another.