To ask for tips for dealing with nightmare MIL

[bringmesunshine2009]

We are going to stay with MIL for 3 weeks out the country, during which time we will be inside the house quite a lot.

She is an overbearing matriarch for whom it is her way or the high way. I need a strategy.

Some examples of what I am up against:

DH will never back me up over anything his mother does, no matter how dangerous, contrary to reason or plain madness.

• She tried to feed 3 month old DS1 a banana when I caught her.
  
• Dragged a screaming DS1 from my arms when he was sick, because 'she wanted a go'
  
• Thinks car seats are neurotic and secondary to her need to wave us off at the airport rather than home.
  
• DH wants me to cook for the family 'to show [MIL] my skills' so she knows I am looking after him!
  
• That DCs should be dragged round stranger relations past their bedtime, where they are expected to be immaculately behaved or their are catsbum faces at me. If I suggest we should go home and put them into bed DH and MIL accuse me of BU.
  
• MIL gets me to prepare food and clear up the house before her other guests come round.
  
• Told to give DS2 a cup of herbal tea to settle his tummy (EBF and 3 months old)
  
• Giving DS1 yogurt mixed with granulated sugar, because he likes the taste
  
• Buying toys clearly marked as unsuitable for under 3s and gettinghuffy when I won't let DCs play with them
  

I could go on ALL DAY. But am going so may as well make the best of it.

I saw "smile and nod" on another thread... so was wondering, how to mentally prepare for the 'quiet war'.

I have previously tried resistance with a smile. This time was thinking smile and nod.

Coping mechanisms wanted!!!!

[Gay40]

Offended their Christmas tree

[Spuddybean]

i also offended her choice of carpet. When DP and i moved into our house we ordered a lovely thick cream carpet with underlay. Before it was delivered she called the carpet co and changed the order to the cheapest charcoal grey with no underlay carpet.

When it was delivered we thought there was a mistake, but nooo. They explained. When we sorted it out and got what we really ordered she sent Dp a long email saying how upset her and "daddy' were that we had insulted them by not having their choice. They were only trying to save us money and we were ungrateful apparently.

we were paying of course by the way

[Spuddybean]

Sorry for hijacking OP, i just have so many!

I just feel glad everyday that i have no dealing with them anymore.

[Gay40]

Spuddy, words have failed me.

[Spuddybean]

yup. they certainly are special! as i said loads more and i am glad i can laugh about it. DP wont disown them, we are both only children so i know why. But as i said. They disowned me first (i was trying to tell DP that i never wanted to see them again when they called) so i am great in his eyes, i put up with shit and they are the bad ones.

He is sad but it never would have worked. much better now that i wave him off once every other month and he spend the weekend with them.

we are ttc and he says he will take the dc's to see them but that will be over my dead body! they are astonishingly racist too - when i said i cooked pasta they called it wog food

[MollyMurphy]

Spuddy.....a big fat for you and a WTF on your behalf.

[bringmesunshine2009]

Spuddy I feel soooo much better now. How does one go about getting disowned by a barking MIL? Food for thought.

The Christmas tree is hysterical. The carpet!!!! Well done you for not going into rage.

[WhereonearthamI]

Spuddy: I see a sitcom in the making!

OP: could you not write your MIL a letter with all these points listed, then contact your local university languages dept and ask for a native speaker to translate it? You don't have to be completely negative, tell her you like spending time with her but that you have problems with how you and your children are treated by her. Give it to her when you arrive so it doesn't get lost in the post.

[WhereonearthamI]

Spuddy: I see a sitcom in the making!

OP: could you not write your MIL a letter with all these points listed, then contact your local university languages dept and ask for a native speaker to translate it? You don't have to be completely negative, tell her you like spending time with her but that you have problems with how you and your children are treated by her. Give it to her when you arrive so it doesn't get lost in the post.

[pigletmania]

spuddy what total nightmares your in laws sound, its up to YOU and your dp what fecking carpet you have, not them.

[pigletmania]

spuddy and ill informed as well, pasta is Italian dish

[Angel786]

Omg, spuddy - your mil makes my old Girl look like a saint [shocked] you handled it all so well. I would be fuming about the carpets!

[QuintessentialShadow]

Ok. I am going against the grain here. (Maybe because it sounds a lot like my polish mil.... And in comparison, what you are up against seems reasonable)

You will see her for three weeks out of 52. She will see her son and grandchildren for 3 weeks of 52. In this time she wants to enjoy them and show them off, and takes them with her to visit relatives. This is your husbands family, we are talking about right, and they dont really get to see him and his children very often.

It is holiday, relax, the children are not harmed by being up later now and then.

You seem to resent having to do any housework in his mothers home. She has 4 more people in the home, so it is reasonable that you also participate.

With cultural differences and language difficulties, (and with men not used to standing up to their mothers) there are bound to be difficulties.
I would adopt the Grin it and Bare it attitude, and tell dh that one visit per year is too much, you cant spend every summer holidays like this, and you can manage this, if you only go every second year....

[ShoutyHamster]

Your husband is the problem.

I would refuse to go. And no, he wouldn't be taking them without me - not with passports hidden, children and wife ensconced at friends/family for the duration, and wife refusing to return phonecalls...

He needs to put you first, he needs to step up and stop being a baby. Tell him that.

However...you actually sound fairly amused by the whole situation, so there's another option. How about you make it a nightmare for MIL/husband instead? She doesn't respect you, in this situation neither does your husband, so do your own sweet thing. Just entirely ignore their controlling, annoying wishes and please yourself. So you get sent to the kitchen to clean up? Go to the kitchen - and wander out into the garden ignoring the pots along your way. Your husband is angry and embarrased? Laugh and shrug and say, I'm a guest, I'm on holiday, I don't want to wash up. Literally walk away. Do your own thing with the children - if she tries to take over, literally elbow her out of the way, as she has done to you. Literally take your child forcibly from her arms. Where your children are concerned, become your OWN matriarich - complete with 'Stop that please - GIVE ME MY CHILD!' to MIL. When your husband is 'translating', just start giggling and raising your eyebrows, and walk away. When you are dragged around to relations, take the nappies out of the bag so there are none with you, after the first change, let them run around with none on. Your husband splutters, you shrug. When they are past their bedtimes, and you get the catsbum faces, you point at your husband and say loudly - 'Yes, a bad father eh! They need to be in bed, but he makes them stay out! Poor boys!' Who cares what they think?

When he rages at you for turning into this person, point out that he doesn't respect you as a wife and partner when his mother is around, so you are going to act as if you aren't one. It could even be fun (hmm, joke)

[Gay40]

Love that idea, ShoutyHamster - turning into your own matriarch from hell. She won't be invited back, with any luck.
But yeah - being married to a silly baby. Sad yet common.

[flimflammery]

Sunshine: I don't think that her behaviour is all that bad. Certainly I've heard a lot worse on MN (e.g. Spuddy's MIL!). I live in an Asian country where all the things you list as 'dangerous, contrary to reason or just plain mad' would be considered completely normal. And a lot of them would have been normal in the UK 30 or 40 years ago.

• Feeding 3 month old banana: it was normal to wean babies at 3 or 4 months until quite recently
  
• Wanting to 'have a go' at consoling your DS: it's normal in many cultures for extended family to look after children
  
• No car seats: quite normal in many countries, didn't exist 40 years ago
  
• Showing off your cooking skills to MIL: normal in many cultures, even though I agree is seems like something from the 1950s to us
  
• Keeping DC up late to visit relatives: normal in many cultures (here even young children are up at 9 or 10 o'clock or later, only the weirdo Brits, Aussies, etc put them to bed at 7pm)
  
• Daughter in law helping with housework: expected in many cultures
  
• Herbal tea for baby - friends in England have recommended cooled camomile tea, what's the problem?
  
• Sugar in yoghurt: I remember having this in my childhood!
  
• Toys unsuitable for under-3s: health and safety is not given the same consideration in many countries as it is in the UK. For e.g. here my DC's friends have been given actual laser torches as party bag presents.
  

So the problem is not that what she wants to do is so outrageously bad, more that she seems to be rather domineering and not respecting your wishes as a mother. And of course as others have pointed out, your DH is not standing up for you.

I would suggest you choose which issues are really important to you (e.g. car safety) and which you are prepared to smile sweetly at as you inwardly groan (e.g. letting her share in looking after your DC, with you present of course). Remember that your MIL is only suggesting you do what was normal in her day (and her culture), and you being shocked at it kind of implies that she was a bad mother and you are superior.

[pigletmania]

I totally agree flimflammy it also sounds like a clash of cultures.

[pigletmania]

and generational thing too. Even British elderly parents would do the same thing too.

[itisnearlysummer]

If I were you I'd be laying down ground rules with my DH and telling him that if he didn't back me up we wouldn't be going again, or at least the children and I wouldn't be.

Don't know if this would work for you. But it's what I would do.

I think a lot of men find it difficult to stand up to their mum's for whatever reason, and I'd NEVER expect him to be rude. But I do expect him to support OUR way of doing things with regards to our children.

My DH had to stand up to his mum a few years ago over something and it worked. She accepted it (somewhat reluctantly) and that particular issue hasn't arisen again.

Good luck!

[Jacksmania]

I love ShoutyHamsters ideas :o

Also love ShoutyHamster's posting name :o

[MightyQuim]

Quint I got the impression that the OP resents the fact that she has to do ALL the housework rather than any at all. When me and dh stay at the ILS we do stuff like cooking and washing dishes (cleaning the bathroom is a bit much imo) but we BOTH do it. The MIL may come from a culture that expects women to do all the household chores but the OP, crucially, doesn't and this should be respected.
The staying up late thing really depends on the child. DD (age 3) happily stays up til midnight when we are on holiday having fun and falls asleep over lunch the next day - not a prob. But If I had child who was distressed and overtired I wouldn't be impressed with a family member insisting they be kept up and I don't think it would be fair of them to expect that.

[Hardgoing]

I would bet my bottom dollar this is a Mediterranean or Eastern European MIL. If so, you are fighting a lost cause. All you can do is find the one or two things you absolutely have to have happen (in my case, I don't take the children out in the evening after 8, if they are under 5, just never ever) and stick to that one thing. They will think you are odd, tell all their friends you are odd and try to convince you otherwise, but if you stick to one or two key things it's a lot easier than trying to fight all this stuff. Car seats is my other, we just don't go without them, even if every one of her friend's families don't use them, they don't fit, can't we just put a towel in etc.

And personally I don't think putting sugar in yoghurt is a terrible thing, most yoghurts and desserts have tonnes of sugar in. Pick your battles.

I would also tell your husband what stuff you care about and be very blunt that you are the family unit and you expect his support over these two things. The rest of it you may have to let go if you want to stay sane.

[MightyQuim]

Flim - unless the MIL has just escaped captivity I really don't think the fact that they did things differently in her day is any excuse.
I'm not going to insist that my gc (if I have any) be weaned at 6 months because that's what I did if the guidelines then state that it should be 8 months for example. And if I was unsure I would ask one of their parents - not secretly do it when they're not in the room (which heavily suggests the mil knew the Op woudn't approve and did it anyway). Equally I wouldn't insist on them being driven in car seats from 2011 when technology will have undoubtedly improved.
Later bedtimes may well be the norm in some countries but it isn't in the best interest of kids used to a 7 o'clock bedtime to keep them up when they are overtired, cranky and need to sleep. Fine if the child can cope with a later bedtime but bloody selfish if you are causing them to be distressed for your own convenience.

[bringmesunshine2009]

Thanks ladies. It is a shock because my own mother is totally hands off, she will ask what she should do as she has forgotten and knows things have changed research etc.

The examples are individually little (with the exception of car seats which IS outrageously bad and is indefesible) but cumulatively it adds up to feeling like a hired womb, which really really hurts. Being undermined in front of my own children by MIL and DH is hurtful and counterproductive to trying to discipline them when the need arises. I am not recognised as being their mother by MIL and treated like a nanny with ideas above her station. EG she asked if we had a lot of children I could send a 'couple over for her to bring up' she was serious.

An honestly have no problem with housework, I have packed jaunty J cloths, Fairy liquid (the Ajax she uses chaps my hands when washing up 5 times a day for a month), marigolds etc. I do much more there than I do in my own house. I resent the expectation, the fact everyone else is resting whilst I am running around doing chores, not actually doing it. ILs sit playing with DSs' whilst I run around cleaning up after everyone and they bring them to me when they cry or have pooed.

The misdemeanors above are all exacerbated by the fact I have bankrolled 3 trips in the last 12 months because she is lonely (with her husband and other son) which we cannot really afford. Even when heavily pregnant she expected DH to come and keep her company leaving me to struggle with DS1 alone, when DH stood up to her and said no, she got herself admitted to a private hospital with 'a tummy ache and stress' a direct quote. Stress from having not seen DH (he had visited 2 months prior). He goes four times a year. We go as a family twice to three times for 14 days plus. I have used all my annual leave and unpaid leave going their for the past 3 years. I resent it. Esp to go and spend all my holiday being made to feel like crap and staying in and doing housework. She refuses to come here which would be SO much simpler.

Anyho, easy to say 'stay and that's it hide the passports' but just picture the scene if you actually did do that. So yes, I need to suck it up, and yes attitude adjustment necessary, so thanks for the tips, will let you know how I get on. Will try to gently address DH.

Definitely need to forget the above confessional, paste on my cheery smile and focus on long game. Thanks one and all!