To ask for tips for dealing with nightmare MIL

[bringmesunshine2009]

We are going to stay with MIL for 3 weeks out the country, during which time we will be inside the house quite a lot.

She is an overbearing matriarch for whom it is her way or the high way. I need a strategy.

Some examples of what I am up against:

DH will never back me up over anything his mother does, no matter how dangerous, contrary to reason or plain madness.

• She tried to feed 3 month old DS1 a banana when I caught her.
  
• Dragged a screaming DS1 from my arms when he was sick, because 'she wanted a go'
  
• Thinks car seats are neurotic and secondary to her need to wave us off at the airport rather than home.
  
• DH wants me to cook for the family 'to show [MIL] my skills' so she knows I am looking after him!
  
• That DCs should be dragged round stranger relations past their bedtime, where they are expected to be immaculately behaved or their are catsbum faces at me. If I suggest we should go home and put them into bed DH and MIL accuse me of BU.
  
• MIL gets me to prepare food and clear up the house before her other guests come round.
  
• Told to give DS2 a cup of herbal tea to settle his tummy (EBF and 3 months old)
  
• Giving DS1 yogurt mixed with granulated sugar, because he likes the taste
  
• Buying toys clearly marked as unsuitable for under 3s and gettinghuffy when I won't let DCs play with them
  

I could go on ALL DAY. But am going so may as well make the best of it.

I saw "smile and nod" on another thread... so was wondering, how to mentally prepare for the 'quiet war'.

I have previously tried resistance with a smile. This time was thinking smile and nod.

Coping mechanisms wanted!!!!

[MightyQuim]

My advice would be that you offer your husband an ultimatum that he stops siding with mummy dearest and supporting her poor treatment of you or he can go back and live with her.
But I'm assuming that if you were going to do that you would have by now so onto coping strategies -
Do not leave her alone with your kids then she can't wean them.
It won't do your kids any harm to have the odd late night on holiday but if they are tired and crabby it might be an idea to mention that it's way past their bedtime and it would be nice to see them in the daytime in future when the kids are likely to be in a better mood.
I don't actually think it's unreasonable for you and your dh to help around the house and do a bit of cooking if your mil is putting you up for your stay. But notice I say you AND your dh. So say to your dh something like 'would you prefer to cook or clean the bathroom' making it clear that you aren't doing both!

[skinnymuffin]

Oh well if you like it then I should mention that the main point of the visualisation is that rising above your problems is supposed to enable you to focus on where you are going, not where you are, which does sound like it might work for your particular situation.

Sorry to hear there are worse underlying marital issues though, hope you're ok, I'm worried about you now. Still, if you're strong enough to make a long term plan for yourself and stick to it, then a few weeks with a daft bat of a mil should be a walk in the park...

Sending positive (feathery) vibes :)

[skybluepearl]

it's the bed time thing i would struggle with. can you take them off by yourself and give them a long bath straight after tea, then into PJ's and reading in bed at 7. if anyone questions and wants you to take kids out in the evening say that would have been lovely but sadly XXXX bed time is at XX. stick to your guns but be really really lovely but very firm while you do it. get your DH on side with bed times before hand. tell him you will never visit MIL again if he doesn't stick to this one thing.

[MightyQuim]

Oh and as for the toys. I would choose your battles on this one. Check the toy over yourself and if there's not any blatant safety hazards on it I would let your dc play with them while you supervise.

[GnomeDePlume]

Apart from nodding and smiling, can I recommend the following for your first dinner at your MiLs:

Rocky Mountain oysters
sandwich

Your husband has no use for his so he should be able to provide the major ingredients. Domestic economy, I'm sure his mother will be pleased!

[Popbiscuit]

It's hard having in laws far away, isn't it? You're compelled to do these long, very intense visits. Makes you almost wish they lived around the corner so you could just have "pop-ins" once in a while, instead. My MIL is mostly lovely but we found that after having three DCs it got to be a bit much staying with them for long periods; too many opportunities for disagreement. Is it possible to stay in a hotel nearby or go for a shorter visit? Can you come up with some kind of itinerary of outings to avoid domestic / feeding squabbles?

[Popbiscuit]

...Oh, and do pick your battles. There were so many occasions where I butted heads with MIL over things that in hindsight were me just being a bit PFB (not saying that you are but I cringe now at some of the things I insisted on; like the fact that I didn't want DD1 to sleep in MIL's Pack n' Play because it had been stored in their slightly musty basement )

[bringmesunshine2009]

Gnome shockingly ironic as balls and brains form part of their local 'delicacies' which she gets offended by when I refuse to eat them .

popbiscuit that is it, if she lived nest door I could tolerate her. She saves up all her resentment for us living in another country (DH lived here LONG before I met him, but I still get the blame!) and starts up with the emotional blackmail as soon as we get there. hotel not an option. SIL's IL's tried that and again MIL was insulted and feigned illness so she didn't go to dinner with them. Nice.

Mightyquin Agree re toys, the last one was a train set with a zillion small pieces and sharp edges, thejigsaw on the otherhand, desptie all pieces being lost on the first day, wasn't a hazard as such. Thanks for other tips, DH helps a bit at home and sometimes forgets himself at MILs and starts to do chores. She runs after him aghast telling him to stop and giving me catsbum for letting him!

Skybluepearl I find bedtime hard because I spent so many sleepless nights getting DS into an amazing routine and great habits, which were set back three times by her interference on previous visits. DHhas promised if any setbacks following this trip HE will pick up pieces.

skinnymuffin thanks for the thoughts, a very sweet post. Worry not, reconciled myself to my long term plan and though far from what I dreamt of keeps me and my lovely lovely sons happy. When they are grown up, will re-evaluate without fear of horrific custody battle with international dimension. Agree with visualising the long term, had only thought about how to get there rather thanhow life will be when I do!

Thanks for helping crystalise my thoughts, will C+P the thread for whenI'm there.

[bringmesunshine2009]

Was definitely a little PFB before, but DS2 has kicked that right outta me. MIL wants DS1 to sleep in her room?! What the actual fuck. Will breathe, smile and put him with me.

[notlettingthefearshow]

Terrible that she tries to push you around. Her parenting style just sounds different to yours, not necessarily dreadful - adding sugar to yoghurt is hardly a crime - maybe many of these things are cultural differences? There are already generational differences with parenting but this is an added layer.

It sounds like she is desperate to show off all of you, which is very sweet, but I think you need to lay down the ground rules before your arrival so that she doesn't schedule visitors past bedtime. I would ask your husband to establish these ground rules with her.

[MightyQuim]

You need to start perfecting your own cats bum expression. And look up the translation for 'I realise in your culture women are treated as domestic slaves the ones who do the majority of the chores but where I come from men and women are considered to be equal and both do their fair share'.

[bringmesunshine2009]

notletting I resent the DCs and I being paraded around like performing chimps at their and my expense; DH has specificaly said he doesn't care about bedtime so long as MIL is happy. Ah well, suck it up is only a few weeks.

MightyQuim LOVE it.

[ChitChattingaway]

Coping strategies - Here are some suggestions (some serious, some outrageous )

If you are in a different time zone, you could try to adjust bedtime and wake up time - keep them up later and try and let them sleep in to a certain time. This can work if you can keep their room quiet and dark. Then the DC won't be cranky about the later nights.

Unsuitable toys -when they're not looking, break them!!!

Cleaning up and cooking - complain you are feeling ill. Go to the loo constantly if need be. Lie down with a migraine, do whatever you need to make yourself look 'off colour'. (Rub a teensy bit of dark eyeshadow under the eyes????)

The food for the DC thing - unless you are watching everything, not a lot you can do about it but hold onto the fact that it's temporary and you will try to get the DC out of bad habits when you get home. OR spike some of the offending food items with something that tastes awful - salt, pepper, chilli - taste it and say to MIL 'Wow, something's wrong with this. Have a taste'. Then ditch the whole batch.

If given an unreasonable request - stare at them uncomprehendably and say 'I'm sorry, I just don't understand' while rubbing your temples gently. Repeat if needed, then say you have a headache and need to lie down.

'Hurt' your hand or elbow and get a supportive elastic bandage and pretend you can't do what it is they're asking you to do.

If they ask you to cook, make something and then when it's too late to do anything about it drop it on the floor (because your hurt hand/arm make you lose your grip) spilling the food all over the floor and breaking the pot!

[MollyMurphy]

Ahem. Um.....my issue would be with my DH if he was such jackass frankly. I empathize because my husband wouldn't say pooh to his mum if his mouth was full of it but still - what you describe sounds ridiculous. I would hash it out before you leave first and foremost. Then I would give where possible but be aggressively pushy on anything I thought was a safety issue - period. Be the matriarch of your own family and don't pussy foot around. No drama - just be very straight forward or sounds like you will be treated like a doormat and feel like one too.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"When they are grown up, will re-evaluate without fear of horrific custody battle with international dimension."

Seriously, you are planning another 15 or so years of this?

[MollyMurphy]

Oh I see reading more OP that you already know you have a crap husband but are in a pickle. Sorry to hear you feel you need a long term strategy. I guess my advice would be the same - give on non safety issues but be a right defiant pain in the ass on matters of safety. Doesn't sound like fun for you or a great example for the kids though to watch mum be treated poorly by the inlaws. Hope you are able to work it out.

[Spuddybean]

oh dear, just awful. I have no words of advice. but just wanted to say she sounds like my MIL would be so i am counting my blessings MIL spat the dummy banned me from her home for 'offending her xmas tree' before i had the chance to tell DP i would never go back!

Now i look like the sane nice one.

Good luck tho. er maybe some gin in your bag?

[Spuddybean]

haha i wish! no. both PIL's are a pain and in May last year MIL called DP and said that her and 'daddy' had decided with much regret they didn't want me in the house anymore. When he understandably asked why the lame excuse they could come up with was i hadn't praised her tree enough so therefore had insulted it and them.

There were also other hilarious spurious reasons.

[TheFeministsWife]

If it were me I wouldn't go end of, and he wouldn't be taking the DC without me either! I understand that no one is perfect and we all except certain things in our relationships that would be dealbreakers for others (well I do, as does my DH) I think that's what makes a relationship last (as long as theirs no abuse obviously). But under these circumstances I would point blank refuse to go, no amount of moaning, shouting or arguing would make me. And I would tell him he couldn't leave the country with the DC as it would be kidnapping. (Hide their passports)!

[TheFeministsWife]

there's

[forehead]

I wouldn't go tbh. It's the most practical advice you need.

[MoominsAreScary]

Laughing at spuddy offending the Xmas tree, what else did you upset?

[Spuddybean]

i offended their eggs too. i am pompous and liberal concerned about battery hens and they eat the cheapest eggs they can find.

When offered breakfast i simply said no eggs with mine please. I didn't say why. they badgered 'why spuddy? why no eggs spuddy?' so i said i just dont eat battery eggs as nicely as i could with a smile. But his mum snapped 'well when you've been starving half your life like we have you dont have a choice' (they are minted!)