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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to go for dinner and drinks alone with another woman

67 replies

snarks · 11/08/2011 23:26

Husband works away during the week (stays at a hotel) and I recently found out that he had gone out for dinner and drinks with a female work colleague. He told me, but only when I had specifically quizzed him about who he was out with. I have had my suspicions about him fancying her for a while.
AIBU to be pissed off about this?

OP posts:
cumbria81 · 12/08/2011 09:14

YABU. She's a colleague. They were away on work together - entirely normal in my opinion. Why are you so insecure?

SootySweepandSue · 12/08/2011 09:20

I would keep a very close eye on him. Only say this due to the number of affairs I have witnessed in my office unfortunately. I do hope your DH is not the type but some if the men I used to work with were practically advertising their 'singleness' when they were travelling with business. It was disgusting.

ENormaSnob · 12/08/2011 09:22

Yanbu

after your second post I would say they are more than colleagues. Or are heading that way.

jeckadeck · 12/08/2011 09:25

tricky one: if he were living with you during the week I would say its borderline inappropriate, although not a dealbreaker -- people's standards about what they will and won't accept vary hugely but its the sort of thing one would tend to avoid if one was married. But if he's working away from home, I think its only natural that he will occasionally get drawn into socialising with colleagues. As someone else said, short of depending on room service all the time its hard to see how he can avoid sometimes having to spend time with them. That said, it is a bit odd that she gave him a gift. If your instincts tell you something is up then I'd just keep your radar tuned for a bit, but don't do anything dramatic. It could well be entirely innocent.

PattySimcox · 12/08/2011 09:28

I used to have to travel for work and would prefer to eat with someone I knew rather than sit on my own in a restaurant.

However if he has given you cause to be suspicious then I can understand your concerns

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/08/2011 09:31

I'd be really annoyed with you if I was your husband, OP. I also work away from home and am often in the company of a male colleague in the evenings, it's inevitable - and expected. What do you think your husband and this woman talk about, hmm? I'll tell you, it's shop-talk, it's the thing they both have in common and the reason why they are together.

How many times do you ring your husband when he's away? I read your second post to see if there was a reason for your jealousy and you talk about trust issues... if what you've said is complete then you're being completely unreasonable. I ring my husband once each evening I'm away - if I don't he'll try to call me - if we don't manage to get hold of each other, I'll try the next day. He'd never think I was cheating anymore than I would be.

You need to address your jealousy issues; it's extremely unattractive and diminishes you and also your relationship with your DH. It is your problem and you need to solve it or forego your marriage. I don't see any other way. If your husband had been cheating previously then I could understand it, but I'd feel the same actually.

You're doing your husband's colleague a great disservice too. Hmm

ChildofIsis · 12/08/2011 09:32

My DH is away every week monday to friday.
I trust him totally and have become very good friends with some of his female colleagues.

Having said that I do suffer from the occasional insecure moment and then the green eyed monster surfaces.
When that happens it can be difficult to get back to a normal state of mind.
Unfortunately our minds tend to exaggerate the very things we're scared of.

Try to verify what the truth of the situation is, if you then still have qualms then a frank talk with your dh is necessary.

ENormaSnob · 12/08/2011 09:38

Lying, do you get expensive gifts from your colleagues or hide things/lie about things to your dh?

onehellofaride · 12/08/2011 09:43

it would definately upset me, especially if I didn't know her at all, but I'm not sure whether I would say anything to him as I would feel I was probably overreacting.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/08/2011 09:45

ENormaSnob... No.

Where has OP said that her husband gave/received expensive gifts from his colleague? I didnt see it.

Lying is really bad BUT if the husband isn't doing anything and getting the third degree at home, I can kind of understand lies of omission rather than get into a fight about it.

fedupofnamechanging · 12/08/2011 09:48

The thing is though Lying, is that being married doesn't stop you from being attracted to other people. Yes, it's always a choice to be unfaithful or not, but if you are attracted to a colleague, you are putting yourself in the path of temptation if you have dinner alone with them etc.

The OP said she is not normally a jealous person, but something about this is giving her bad vibes. Quite often in life our senses alert us to possible dangers. sometimes we don't even acknowledge it to ourselves, but the underlying feeling is there.

I'm not saying that her dh is definitely doing something wrong, but there is something in his attitude/actions that are making her pause and consider.

It's not always about sex, it can be that she feels his focus has moved to outside the relationship and he is having more fun with this other person than with her.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/08/2011 09:49

Ah, yes, it's there on the second post, missed it. Apologies to the OP.

There's no reason for expensive gifts - or any gifts really. Certainly accompanied by the lying, that's cause for complaint.

The thing is, if he's cheating then OP needs to decide what to do about it - if and confront him with her suspicions. She certainly has cause for questions.

Whatmeworry · 12/08/2011 09:52

Lying is really bad BUT if the husband isn't doing anything and getting the third degree at home, I can kind of understand lies of omission rather than get into a fight about it

I'd suspect that's more the case here.

niceguy2 · 12/08/2011 09:52

I travel a bit for my work.

Firstly I have to ask. What has raised your suspicions? Have you met this woman? Perhaps she's also married or in a relationship? How much do you actually KNOW?

You can imagine the other side of this story. "I work away Mon-Fri working hard to provide for my family. I hate being away. It sounds glamorous but isn't. It's just night after night sat on my own eating room service in a hotel room or table for one at the restaurant. Last week a team of us were there and I decided to stay for a couple of drinks in the hotel bar with a female colleague for some adult company since the rest of the team were tired. Now my wife is accusing me of having an affair. AIBU to expect my wife to trust me a little and not think I'm going to jump into bed with colleagues when I work away"

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/08/2011 09:55

karmabeliever... I do understand what you mean. If people are going to cheat though, they're going to cheat. It doesn't mean that the OP's husband is, but the behaviour of the colleague in giving an expensive gift is inappropriate.

I think that OP's problem is that she's at home, sees the same four walls and is on her own most of the week - whilst her husband gets to go out and meet other people, socialise, etc. I really think that the 'trust issues' need to be hammered out and some kind of agreement reached on responsibility for looking after the children whilst giving OP some time to herself.

It is tricky... the only person who KNOWS what's going on is the husband and he has ample time to build a cover story if he's so inclined. For now, it seems to be one-sided, the colleague giving the gift. Dinner and drinks between work colleagues though is normal.

niceguy2 · 12/08/2011 09:56

"Oh no, she'd never do that - she's far too professional", which did not exactly reassure me!!

Sorry I missed this post.

Actually I think the fact he said this is good. Whilst it obviously isn't the most reassuring answer, I think you can take comfort from the fact it isn't. If he was having an affair, he'd probably have taken time out to prepare for any questions you have and the inevitable denial.

The fact your question seemed to have caught him on the hoof seems to me like he isn't.

fedupofnamechanging · 12/08/2011 09:58

It is hard to say,because there's nothing tangible - only a feeling.

Catslikehats · 12/08/2011 09:58

Lying I think you're being a bit unfair - in the dim and distant past I spent a lot of nights working away from home with predominantly male colleagues and I witnessed many inappropriate relationships: a lot of drinking and a lot of flirting combined with me being a bit bored and knowing that the wife is never going to find out seems to be an irresistable combination for many men.

Snarks I think you should go with your gut instinct if you are concerned that he fancies her then he probably does and you need to make it clear what he stands to lose if he crosses the line.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/08/2011 10:03

I'm thinking about my shopping habits (which are fearsome) and my propensity for stashing bags with new clothes in them, behind the wardrobe, under the bed... you get the drift. It's daft, it's my own money and I don't need to explain myself but.... I remember lovingly holding up a new bag, crooning to it and sighing over it's wondrous detail.... and my husband walked in and asked me what I was doing because I sounded like a loon. I immediately leapt to a lie - the bag was an old one and was in sale anyway (both lies). What's that all about?

Anyway, the point I'm making is that OP's husband might have bought the 'gift' for himself and, feeling guilty over spending the money, said it was a gift from the colleague without thinking of the ramification of that. It could happen - if he's innocent, female/male colleague would mean the same.

I'd say to the OP actually that if he WERE cheating, he would be very unliekly to confess to a gift received from this colleague.

oranges · 12/08/2011 10:04

It is tricky and I think its really tough if one of you has a job that takes you away in the week like this. SOme men have affairs and some don't. And some use the opportunity of being away from home, and others have affairs under their wives noces. but I think you just have to decide to trust him, and make clear that there are consequences if you betray that trust. You can't live your life brooding on this - its not fair on you.

oranges · 12/08/2011 10:05

if HE betrays that trust. And noses, not noces. Sorry.

springydaffs · 12/08/2011 10:05

I think your husband is being thick. How would he like it if you worked away all week while he was at home washing the nappies and you had dinner with a male work colleague, who gave you an expensive gift and you weren't available to take your customary call? like, duh. He wouldn't like it.

don't let him (or anyone) put this on you OP. ime of offices you have to behave with the utmost discretion at all times - and that was without being away sans spouse. Of course colleagues end up eating/drinking together when they are away but you make sure you're in a group if at all possible. He needs to reassure you with evidence of impeccable behaviour, not fudge things and leave you to get details out of him. He's not being fair.

fedupofnamechanging · 12/08/2011 10:08

Not saying this about the OP's dh, because it does sound like he was caught on the hop, but sometimes accomplished liars and naturally deceitful people stick as close to the truth as possible, because it makes the lie more believable.

Or I could be a totally mistrustful person who always sees the bad, I don't know.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/08/2011 10:11

QueenofDenial... I said that if people are going to cheat, they will cheat. They don't need a hotel for that and the inappropriate behaviour that you witnessed is what some people will do anywhere. I could apply the same logic - my husband would never find out - but I would know and I'm not interested anyway.

I think that if OP is really eaten up with that question, then she's going to have to ask it.

elastamum · 12/08/2011 10:23

If you are worried there probably is a reason for this. The gift thing is a big red flag for me. Very unusual for a colleague.

I was married to a serial cheater who worked away from home all the time. He always had an innocent explanation for every suspicious meeting / dinner etc. That is until I found the airline ticket to NY he had bought for his OW.

Hence he is now my ex Shock