To not want my husband to go for dinner and drinks alone with another woman

[snarks]

Husband works away during the week (stays at a hotel) and I recently found out that he had gone out for dinner and drinks with a female work colleague. He told me, but only when I had specifically quizzed him about who he was out with. I have had my suspicions about him fancying her for a while.
AIBU to be pissed off about this?

[SparkleSecret]

OP-first of all I'm sorry you're feeling like this-it's a crap feeling isn't it?
But mainly please can you tell how/why you think your DH fancies her?
Have you met her?What is she like in terms of personality and looks?(I know looks shouldn't matter btw but wonder if she's gorgeous and you're threatened maybe?)

[Moobee]

I travel a lot with work and when you're with colleagues, in my environment you pretty much always meet up for dinner - it would be considered rude otherwise. The only exception is if you're not feeling great and prefer to get room service but this is very dull and you can often miss out on things which come up in meetings later.

I don't always phone home, but my husband and I will often text (we'll send a text to say goodnight for example). The present thing is a bit odd, I would be surprised if a colleague gave me an expensive present. I guess if you usually phone every night and things change then I would be more wary, but barring the present, the situation you describe sounds normal to me.

[Oblomov]

My dh does not stay over in hotels, often. But he does have lots of peole come over from US and Canada and he takes them out for lunch or evening meal. Male and female. This bothers me not one bit. And he always tells me who, what they ate, everything.
Op thought her dh fancied this woman before. Then he didn't tell her, until pushed, didn't answer phone and has an expensive gift.
I think she has grounds to be concerned. Totally understandable.

[evenlessnarkypuffin]

If you were getting paranoid about your DH having dinner with a female colleague then Y would BU. Unless he had a record for cheating. You're not though, and you haven't been jealous in the past and he's worked away for years.

You're reacting to changes in his behaviour - the night he didn't call- the way he talks about this woman and the appearance of an expensive gift. At the best it sounds like he has a little bit of a crush on this woman - being asked if he's having an affair with her and him responding that she's 'too professional' . The gift would definitely worry me, because I've seen that before with a friend's husband. What was the gift BTW? Was it something personal eg cufflinks or a tie?

[CloudC]

I work in professional services and travel a lot for work. If travelling with a colleague, whether male or female, I would feel rude not inviting / accepting an invite to meet for dinner in the evenings. This is a normal part of team building and also makes it less of a drag being away from your family.

Having said that, you know your husband best, and as you've been questioning him on who he has dinner with, sounds like you may have other reasons to be unconfortable with this?

[ZillionChocolate]

No, he should sit in his room alone in the dark eating a pot noodle

[Maiavan]

YANBU I hope it all turns out ok. I do personally wish woman would trust their gut more.

[fedupofnamechanging]

I don't read this as the OP having a problem with her dh socialising with female colleagues. I read this as the OP getting a funny feeling about her husbands interaction with this particular colleague.

[GrendelsMum]

DH works away 1 week in 4, which includes a weekend. Most of his colleagues are female, so he has a choice of going out with them, or sitting alone in a hotel room eating room service yet again. I would honestly far rather that he went out and had dinner with a female colleague than sat in on his own.

I work in a team where the overwhelming majority of my colleagues were male (it was great excitement when I got a female colleague who I could go out to lunch with), so I was very used to eating with them when we went away for work. I've never found it sexy - just (usually) less dull than eating on your own.

[wicketkeeper]

If we really, truly, want equality in the workplace, then we are going to have to get our heads around the idea that our men will be working with women. One of your DH's colleagues is a woman. Get over it.

[PeterSpanswick]

Yes, hope it does turn out to be nothing for you to worry about. Having doubts is horrible.

[looner]

no YANBU
and I have no ideas on what you can do about it :(
fingers crossed that everything's ok though

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

That's a good point, Percy.

[PercyFilth]

There's no reason for expensive gifts - or any gifts really.

It wasn't bought specifically as a gift, though, was it? It was something the giver had no further use for. I have both given and been given things in just the same circumstances. Unless you are a hoarder, you either give these things away or sell them on ebay or similar. Not everybody can be bothered with ebay, and some people are just generous by nature.

[Catslikehats]

I don't disagree that in many cases if people are going to cheat they will cheat. I also think that being away, drinking and socialising and not having to go home and immediately face your partner makes it a lot easier for many people to get carried away when they might otherwise not.


Nights away also provide an opportunity for relationships to easily progress from professional to more without obvious lines being crossed because of course it is acceptable to have dinner and drinks with a colleague whilst you are away in a way that possibly wouldn't be acceptable if you were at home.

[CoffeeOne]

I'm going out for dinner and drinks tonight with a male friend (I'm actually very excited as I'm telling him I'm 12 weeks pregnant!). My partner is aware of the plans, knows where we're going and has no problems whatsoever. I have a couple of close male friends and wouldn't think twice about spending an evening alone with them. On the flip side I would have no problems with DP spending an evening alone with one of his female friends or colleages. What I would have a problem is however, is him keeping it from me, or only telling me it happened under duress. Part of me wants to advise you to relax, the other part wants to tell you to trust your instincts .

[elastamum]

If you are worried there probably is a reason for this. The gift thing is a big red flag for me. Very unusual for a colleague.

I was married to a serial cheater who worked away from home all the time. He always had an innocent explanation for every suspicious meeting / dinner etc. That is until I found the airline ticket to NY he had bought for his OW.

Hence he is now my ex

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

QueenofDenial... I said that if people are going to cheat, they will cheat. They don't need a hotel for that and the inappropriate behaviour that you witnessed is what some people will do anywhere. I could apply the same logic - my husband would never find out - but I would know and I'm not interested anyway.

I think that if OP is really eaten up with that question, then she's going to have to ask it.

[fedupofnamechanging]

Not saying this about the OP's dh, because it does sound like he was caught on the hop, but sometimes accomplished liars and naturally deceitful people stick as close to the truth as possible, because it makes the lie more believable.

Or I could be a totally mistrustful person who always sees the bad, I don't know.

[springydaffs]

I think your husband is being thick. How would he like it if you worked away all week while he was at home washing the nappies and you had dinner with a male work colleague, who gave you an expensive gift and you weren't available to take your customary call? like, duh. He wouldn't like it.

don't let him (or anyone) put this on you OP. ime of offices you have to behave with the utmost discretion at all times - and that was without being away sans spouse. Of course colleagues end up eating/drinking together when they are away but you make sure you're in a group if at all possible. He needs to reassure you with evidence of impeccable behaviour, not fudge things and leave you to get details out of him. He's not being fair.

[oranges]

if HE betrays that trust. And noses, not noces. Sorry.

[oranges]

It is tricky and I think its really tough if one of you has a job that takes you away in the week like this. SOme men have affairs and some don't. And some use the opportunity of being away from home, and others have affairs under their wives noces. but I think you just have to decide to trust him, and make clear that there are consequences if you betray that trust. You can't live your life brooding on this - its not fair on you.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I'm thinking about my shopping habits (which are fearsome) and my propensity for stashing bags with new clothes in them, behind the wardrobe, under the bed... you get the drift. It's daft, it's my own money and I don't need to explain myself but.... I remember lovingly holding up a new bag, crooning to it and sighing over it's wondrous detail.... and my husband walked in and asked me what I was doing because I sounded like a loon. I immediately leapt to a lie - the bag was an old one and was in sale anyway (both lies). What's that all about?

Anyway, the point I'm making is that OP's husband might have bought the 'gift' for himself and, feeling guilty over spending the money, said it was a gift from the colleague without thinking of the ramification of that. It could happen - if he's innocent, female/male colleague would mean the same.

I'd say to the OP actually that if he WERE cheating, he would be very unliekly to confess to a gift received from this colleague.

[Catslikehats]

Lying I think you're being a bit unfair - in the dim and distant past I spent a lot of nights working away from home with predominantly male colleagues and I witnessed many inappropriate relationships: a lot of drinking and a lot of flirting combined with me being a bit bored and knowing that the wife is never going to find out seems to be an irresistable combination for many men.

Snarks I think you should go with your gut instinct if you are concerned that he fancies her then he probably does and you need to make it clear what he stands to lose if he crosses the line.